Monday, June 4, 2012

Learning to ACCEPT who I am

When I entered into the field of social work, ultimately becoming a mental health professional and therapist, I was informed by many that this was a great fit for me. I have heard multiple times that "you're finally trained now to do something that you've always done. You've always been drawn to the people who are hurting. If there's someone in a room who is upset, you always seem to find yourself sitting with them as they pour their heart out." 


I guess I have to admit that these people are right. I have never been shy. During my entire life, I have heard my parents tell others that I have "never met a stranger." Put together my natural, outgoing nature with my heart for people who are hurting and....there you go. 


It seems I've been on a life-long mission to discover more about myself and how to better communicate with those in my life. I've studied the 5 Love Languages and learned that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation. I've studied various Learning Styles as taught by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias and discovered that I am Concrete Sequential. My friends and I recently began exploring personality tests. We found particular interest in the Myer's & Briggs Personality Types. I had taken this test during my senior year of my undergraduate program, then took it again with my friends. In college, I tested as an ESTJ. Recently, I tested as an ESFJ. The difference between the T (Thinking) and the F (Feeling) appears to be quite minimal, actually. I believe that I tested higher in the Thinking area while in school because I had been using more of the intellectual portion of myself. Regardless, I began researching the various personality types to see how accurate the results are.


According to the Myer's and Briggs Foundation, they describe the ESFJ (Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judging - Please follow the link to the website for descriptions of the various types.) as:  
"Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-by-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute."
Fascinated, I continued to search for more information and discovered the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. They further break down the various personality types of the Myer's & Briggs by grouping the types into 4 groups and breaking them down from there. Their description of the ESFJ is as a Guardian Provider
"Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.
Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.
         Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that 
         they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and 
         will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic 
         that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their 
         conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions
         are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In 
         addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and 
         neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or 
         church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.
Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others." 
Wow. That was pretty interesting. I researched this personality type on various other websites and increasingly discovered that this type describes me pretty well. To further confirm it, my friends and my daughter nodded each of their heads while listening to the descriptions. I have heard it said that I am quite verbal and outgoing, a team player, compassionate/empathetic, and overly sensitive to criticism. I have been called a busybody. "Why do you need to know everyone's business?" The ironic thing is that the same people who say this to me are the ones who look to me when they need to know what's going on around them. 


"Why do you care so much what they think?" "What that person says doesn't matter." Do I like being sensitive to the words of others? Do I wish that I didn't care so much? Of course I don't always like being "too sensitive." Who would like to have their heart hurt every time someone says something mean? Pondering these questions, I am reminded of what Scripture tells us about words. 
"The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit." ~ Proverbs 15:4
"The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." ~ Proverbs 12:18 
"For the ear test words as the tongue tastes food." ~ Job 34:3
"Before a word is on my tongue, you Lord, know it completely." ~ Psalm 139:4 
That means that God created me to be sensitive to the words of others. He created me with the ability to appreciate words of others. He created me to listen to the words of others. It's pretty easy to accept the "good" parts of our personalities. The parts that we like and that are liked by others, we deem as acceptable. The parts that are difficult, we feel are less acceptable. Being a team player, compassionate, empathetic, having a good memory for special occasions are all good things. Admirable qualities some may say. Being an extrovert in a world full of introverts is not easy. Using my five senses and being concrete in the way I take in information can make it difficult to relate to those who are more abstract and intuitive. 


During the past 8 weeks since my surgery, I've had a lot of time to heal and think. Probably too much time to think, but....it's what I do when I have so much free time on my own and away from other people for extended periods of time. My word for this year is ACCEPT. Well, one of the things I should probably learn to accept is myself and to accept myself, maybe learning who I am is a good place to start. Maybe then I'll be able to figure out what God is placing inside that hole that He is creating inside of me. Will I learn what talents I have buried inside? Will I be able to figure out talents that I don't realize are talents? Will I find an outlet that I had not grasped previously? What I do know right now is that God created me and has plans for me. I am grateful to have professionals that study personality traits, learning styles, love languages, and temperaments to help people like me learn about ourselves. Studying these has provided validation for me. I am who God created me to be. Next step? What do I do with that knowledge and validation?