Sunday, October 28, 2012

Judgement or Compassion?

I am a believer and follower of Christ Jesus. He is my Lord and my Savior. I believe that God the Father and Creator of the universe sent His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. Christ lived His life as an example for us, was sacrificed as the Ultimate Redeemer, resurrected and returned to sit at God's right hand. After Christ's return to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit to us as a Counselor. 

Why did God create a world that He, in His all knowing, perfect self, would let Him down and be the sinful souls that we are? I am unable to answer that. What I do know is that He loves us beyond all understanding. The fact that, throughout history, as recorded in Scripture, God has always displayed His amazing love for us, given us more chances than any of us could have ever dreamed, and gifted us with mercy and compassion that we can never quite grasp. Outside of Jesus, no one in history has ever lived a sin-free life. Our lives are so sinful that the only way we are able to become pure enough to even consider approaching heaven's throne is that God (the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) was so incredibly compassionate to make the ultimate, most awesome sacrifice. Yet, we all still continue to sin. We all still mess up. We still 100% depend on God's grace and mercy to even live day by day.

I was raised in a judgemental environment. I was taught that we should judge good and evil as a way to assure I was living a life worthy of being considered a Christian. I guess you could say I was raised in a "works" and "earn your way to heaven" mindset. Through the years, I found myself being judgemental. Doing my own version of separating the sheep from the goats. I was never good enough, while at the same time, as long as I did the right things and made the right decisions, I might be able to squeeze my way in. As I became an adult and my relationship with God developed, I began to realize that all the best behavior possible would not allow my entrance into heaven. It is through God's grace and His grace alone. I also realized that not everyone believes the same as I do. Not everyone behaves the same as I do. I also learned that....guess what? I don't have all of the right answers.

I never thought I would make many decisions that I made. I surely would not have been divorced. I would surely never be accused of being an immoral person because I would not live my life in such a way. What I had not taken into account is that others may not know what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone, including myself, does not always have all of the answers. I don't always know the message and direction given by God to other people. What I DO know is that I am instructed not to judge, but to LOVE and FORGIVE. If I feel called to judge, I should judge the same way that I want God to judge me. God alone is judge. God's example over and over again is that HE will deal with things that need to be dealt with.

In the past several years, I have both experienced and witnessed judgement, gossip, and slander. Unfortunately the primary aggressors have been other people who declare themselves as believers. People who study the same Scripture and follow the same God whom I do. I have to say that "friendly fire" hurts unlike any other hurt. More recently someone I love very dearly has been on a journey that has involved numerous injuries sustained by "friendly fire." Words like "you are living in sin."  "I love you, but I can't support you in this." People who she loved dearly and cherished have placed her in a position they denied they would ever do. Like myself, she trusted these people who "sling the mud." Prayed for illnesses, stood by them during trials, cooked for them, opened our homes for them. These people have proceeded to talk to other people, gossiping, slandering publicly. I am sure that this behavior both causes tears to God's eyes and goes against the behavior He instructed for His children. Are we to judge? Are we to have compassion and love?  What happens to the children of the people we are judging? What example are we showing to others who look to Christ followers as examples of God's love? Do we know the entire story? Do we know the communication between others and God? Do we know what He is instructing the other person to do? We are to come beside, nurture, love, provide loving warnings if necessary, and hold tenderly in our arms.

How do you intend to live your life? For myself, I intend to follow God's leading by His words and His example. LOVE and FORGIVENESS. COMPASSION and MERCY. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

OCTOBER 19th


Today marks a year since I received news that I will never forget. News that permanently changed my life and the lives of those closest to me. This time last year, I was heading into surgery to remove a mass that was discovered in my abdomen. All of the labwork had previously reported that there was minimal chance the mass was cancerous. On October 19, 2011, I underwent surgery where it was discovered I had an extremely rare form of appendix cancer. If you have read much of my blog, you have read about the struggle my family and I have gone through to process this information and learn more than we ever imagined we would learn about this mysterious illness. Six months later, I underwent the only available treatment for this cancer, an experimental procedure to hopefully kill any remaining cancer. We have no idea how effective the procedure was and understand that it may show up at any time in my future. For the rest of my life, I will be considered to have cancer. While the diagnosis does not define me, it certainly impacts my future. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have been informed of the return of the cancer to someone else who appears to be walking a parallel journey, as I noted in my last post. My family also found out recently that one of my aunts was diagnosed with terminal cancer that has spread throughout her body. The doctors believe that any possible treatments would only prolong her life for a couple of months so she is opting to not have any treatments and just wait it out. Ever since my diagnosis, I have come to terms with the fact that cancer has chosen to invade my body and I can either allow it to run my life, or live life to the full. I have chosen to expect that I will be here on earth as long as God has planned and not engage in fearful thoughts. I guess you could say more examples of ACCEPTance. While I have no intention of owning fear, the recent news from Nick, from my aunt, and several others in my life has shaken me. It shed a light on the idea that the cancer may indeed show it's ugly head in my body again. 

A friend asked me earlier this week if I feel this year has gone fast or slow. That caused me to ponder the past year. In all honesty, I don't see this past year as a year at all. I see it in chunks of time, from surgery to surgery, situation to situation, life changes to life changes. In the past year, I learned to accept love and support from friends. I learned how it feels to have people step up and help me, show me how much I mean to them. A couple of examples that caught me completely off guard were a) the number of people who came to visit me in the hospital to see for themselves that I was actually going to be okay and b) the cards, gifts, donated leave, visits, etc from my co-workers. I have been absolutely in awe so many times this past year.

I have also learned to not allow myself to be stuck in the rut of life, to try harder not to allow my past and the mean and ugly words from others to dictate my decisions. I guess you can say that I am trying to push the stop button on the negative inner tape recorder and attempting to embrace more positives. It has not been easy, but I feel it is important to live the life I have left without wasting the gifts God has given me. If my life lasts another 10 years or 50 years, I have a job to do. I can sit on the sidelines and allow the judgements or criticisms of others to decide my actions or decisions or I can step into the race and run as best I can. So, sorry satan. What you may have meant for evil, God meant for good and my Lord promises that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. God promised me that and I believe Him. Sometimes I feel a bit excited about what my future holds, no matter how long or short it is, while at the same time I sure hope I don't have to hear the doctor say that the cancer is back. 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

STILL LEARNING TO ACCEPT

It is absolutely amazing to me how God has continually focused me this year on learning to ACCEPT....It appears so often that when I find myself in a struggle or a challenge, that pesky word pops up....Would acceptance help me find my path here? Would acceptance relieve some of the anxiety that I would normally feel in this situation? Would accepting certain things help ease the self doubt and negativity?

In a previous post, I wrote about feeling that God has been making me aware of a hole in my heart and moving me in a specific direction. I have been wondering what is supposed to fill this hole and which direction God is leading me. A few pretty significant things have occurred since then. 

During this summer, a very sweet and encouraging man took time out of his schedule to work with me on a near weekly basis to help build up my diaphragmatic support and dig in the pit to help re-build my self confidence in my singing ability. I am now scheduled to sing on the worship team in a few weeks. How will I do? I have no idea. It's been a very long time since I sang in front of a microphone. I'm pretty nervous, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Also this summer, a friend let me know about a job that would soon be opening in the agency where she works. She felt that I would completely enjoy this job. This comes at a time when I have been pondering leaving my current agency. I have felt that I was nearing the end of the work I've had to do there. I have always felt I would be there temporarily, though I love what I do and the team that I have been privileged to work with for the past five years. It sounded like a great possibility so I waited until the job was advertised and then applied for it. The application process took a couple of weeks, driving me nuts. Let me just say that this job would involve a great deal of bureaucracy, which I knew prior to beginning the application process. During the two months after the job was posted, I found myself struggling with patience, attempting to not become distracted, and trying to present myself as the most appropriate person for the job so they would be interested in hiring me. When I would begin to become anxious, I realized that there was a part of me attempting to take control over something when I should learn to be still and wait. I have to accept God's timing is not always my timing.

When I was diagnosed with Appendix cancer nearly a year ago, God blessed me with the ability to connect with a wonderful young couple whose lives were turned upside down with the same diagnosis. Nick and his wife, Alyssa, have been an amazing support to me on this cancer journey. Nick underwent the same HIPEC surgery that I did, about five months prior to me, so they were able to give me wonderful advice and words of wisdom. We were both healing quite well and moving on with our lives. This week I found out that Nick's cancer has returned. Here is their journey and health update. Hearing that this couple's lives are turned upside down yet again after holding onto the hope that he was healed from the surgery really hit me hard. If Nick's cancer can return full force, so can mine.

Working with people in all walks of life, I hear stories about lives lived and decisions made that are different than I would ever make. Family and friends make choices that either I wouldn't make or I feel like are mistakes. Does that mean that I know the "right" path for everyone? No. Does it mean that I know what I believe would be "right" for myself? I think so. Part of being a social worker is honoring a set of core values. One of these values is respecting the inherent dignity and worth of every person. One of the greatest commands given to Christ followers is to love others as we love ourselves. To me, that means unconditional love and acceptance of everyone. As a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a co-worker, a mental health professional. In all aspects of my life, I am called to accept others as they are and love unconditionally. 
"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~ Matthew 7:2
So, to summarize my ponderings and my journey to acceptance. It appears that music is being returned into my life. Where it's going, I have no idea. I just have to take it step by step. Terrified of falling flat on my face? Yep, but I am going to do everything I can to accept it and reclaim this as one of my outlets. As far as the job, I did complete the application process and participated in an interview last week. I have no idea whether I will be offered the job or not. What I do know is that I followed where I believe I was led and did the best I could do. I may not hear anything for  a couple of weeks. If I am offered the position, it will be an amazing career move. If I'm not, then God obviously has other plans. Strangely, I have a peace about the career part. Not a peace that the job is for me, however a peace that I am walking the correct path and it will resolve the way God wants it to resolve. Appendix cancer? Well, there is really not much I can do about it. My surgeon does not want to see me again until April. All I can do is pay attention to my body until then and trust that God is in charge. I had to accept the diagnosis a year ago. I had to accept that this will impact my life forever. Others will be diagnosed and re-diagnosed. That does not mean that the cancer will return in my body. I have to accept that there is nothing more I can do and worrying will not help at all.

The next part of my journey as summer has led us into fall is what may be the most difficult. Accepting others and their decisions and maybe even more so, accepting myself. I believe that accepting others is much easier than accepting myself. Am I talented enough to sing on stage? Am I skilled enough to earn such a wonderful career move? Can I go through life not being judgemental and accepting others as who they are? What will happen if I'm told that the cancer has returned? 

When I compare where I am to where I was five years ago or even one year ago, I think I have grown. I think I have learned how to start forgiving my weaknesses. I do wonder where I will be on this path of acceptance by the end of the year. I am so grateful that God will continue leading me on this journey.