It has been a while since my last post and I have to say that, for someone who's word for the year is "REST," my life has been what a friend has referred to as "crazy busy." Between being a mom to my teenage daughter, building my career, and church involvement, life has moved pretty well non-stop. While life has been so "crazy busy," I have to admit that I love that. As I noted in my most recent post, I am a full blown extravert and was raised to keep myself busy. In the past few years, I found myself being surrounded by so many introverts, that life became less involved and I began struggling in many ways. While I have been happy in general, deciphering areas in which God wanted me to focus on growth gradually became apparent. During the past few weeks, I started experiencing this inner peace with myself. I guess you could say there was some feeling of acceptance brewing deep inside.
For those of you who have read even a few of my blog posts, it likely did not take long to realize that this woman has some fairly deep seated struggles with self-acceptance. Between spending most of my life feeling that I was not good enough, being involved in numerous unhealthy relationships, and being a "divorcee," I have wondered how in the world God could not be disappointed with His creation. No wonder God has taken so long to gently take me by my heart and spend some serious time challenging these thoughts.
I have heard through the years that I have such a bright smile, a "healing smile" a dear friend recently informed me. I heard from others that it's a big smile, that I have big gums. For my high school senior photo, the photographer told me not to smile so big, then my dad expressed dislike for the picture because it didn't look like me. For someone who has a love language of words, these varying descriptions were quite confusing. Then there are people who feel the need to judge a person by their weight, the obsession our society has with the scale and our body mass index. I have a genetic predisposition to being overweight. I have a solid body structure, making me weigh more than I look, I am told. Fat people are not attractive. Doctors label us obese. One could go on and on. I am an extrovert, which makes me a blabber mouth. A person who talks all the time, right? I have psoriatic arthritis that makes itself known all over my body by disfiguring my swollen, painful joints and causing ugly, red patches on my skin. Appearance is everything, right?
For many years, these are some of the words I have been holding onto. I have found it amazing ever since my family began attending our church nearly ten years ago that our pastor and I are regularly on the same path, only for varying reasons. Last weekend, he spoke about Paul's writing to the church in Philippi. How is it possible that Paul is able to speak so much about having joy in all things while he is chained to a guard 24/7?
"The results of Paul's chains are that people are coming to know Christ and people are being encouraged....Paul's chains are evident. You can see the chains......We need to look beyond the circumstances to see what God wants to do through you and I. We need to look beyond personalities and see priorities. " ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong
God has returned music into my life in the form of the choir, the worship team, and interpreting for our Deaf ministry. My career is making some intensive changes, moving forward in ways that I would have never foreseen a year ago. As I sat in church last weekend, a wave of peace and acceptance came over me, nearly drawing me to tears. I am learning to realize that, though I am overweight, have dysfunctional joints and skin, have significant scars from various surgeries, and am not talented enough to be a professional performer, God can and does use me to achieve His purposes for my life. Family members or friends may not feel time with me is worthwhile. They may not see the need for positive affirmations, spewing apathy or negative words instead. That is okay. These people did not create me and should not take up space in my head, though they are deep in my heart.
"Keep the important thing, the important thing. When people want to come in and tear down what you are doing, think on the important stuff. Think on the things that matter." ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong
"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ......I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you." Philippians 1:27-28As I said, the past few months have been busy, yet energizing in a way I have not experienced in such a long time. I am grateful that our Lord directed me to learn acceptance last year so this year I am able to rest in the knowledge that He does indeed have a plan and I am exactly where He wants me to be to accomplish His purpose. I don't want to spend my life carrying the anxiety and icky words. I would much prefer to touch the hearts and lives of those God places in front of me, resting in His plan and being obedient to His will without resistance.
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God." ~ Philippians 1:9-11
