In recent weeks, I have been pondering my journey over the past few years. Evaluating my struggle with feeling that I am not good enough, struggle with relationships, and how to view myself through the lens of the Most Holy One. Being a clinical social worker by profession, I work with clients on a daily basis who struggle with low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. As well as self-image issues, there are frequently relationship conflicts and expressions of feeling unloved and unappreciated. Part of therapy includes researching the "whys" and "hows" of feeling unloved and one of the things I discovered a long time ago is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. If you have never heard about the 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend taking a look. Here are brief descriptions of each of the languages that Dr. Chapman provides:
Words of Affirmation - "Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited
compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, 'I love you,' are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward.
Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten."
Quality Time - "In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says 'I love you' like full, undivided attention. Being there for
this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV
off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes
your significant other feel truly special and loved.
Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful."
Receiving Gifts - "Don't mistake this love language for
materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness,
and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect
gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are
prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed
birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be
disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures."
Acts of Service - "Can vacuuming the floors really be an
expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an Acts of Service person will
speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear are, 'Let me
do that for you.' Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work
for them, tell those with this language their feelings don’t
matter."
Physical Touch - "This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not
surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and
thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways
to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and
accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and
destructive."
As a therapist, I have the opportunity to spend a great deal of time thinking on mental health and relationships. Yes, most of my time is spent with clients in my office and/or my patients in the emergency room, yet the situations that my clients/patients struggle with often cause me to reflect on my worldview and how I might respond in similar scenarios. Many people have heard about the 5 Love Languages, however I've discovered that many don't realize that, as Dr. Chapman points out, the language in which one can feel most loved can also be used to cause significant harm if used in a neglectful, critical, or thoughtless manner.
Most people who have known me very long or very well, know that my primary language is Words of Affirmation. After affirming words, physical touch and quality time seem to run fairly close in the next position. In my self-exploration, I have spent time considering the situations in which I have felt hurt in various relationships. The pain has been caused by criticism, insults, belittling, condescension, neglect, avoidance, or simple apathy. I realized that the times I feel most loved, appreciated, and valued are when people take the time to acknowledge me, recognize the effort I have put into something, offer constructive criticism (wherein someone offers positive words as well as ideas of how to improve, rather than "that doesn't measure up" or "that's not right"), choose to follow through with plans to spend time with me, or just flat out offer heartfelt words of appreciation, etc.
Being raised in a home and in a culture that did not value women (unless they are of the Southern Belle variety, perhaps), I was not often provided with affirming words. This lead to the lack of self-worth, feelings of inferiority, and horrible self-image. I was always referred to as overweight (even when I weighed a whopping 120lbs at 18 yrs old) and was limited on my abilities, never good enough to measure up to anyone's standards. Most people did not encourage deep, self-reflection. Relationships either were or weren't. Conversations were rarely deep, as people became uncomfortable whenever someone attempted to address issues in which one might think differently from the flock. Religion and politics were pretty black and white. Either you stood on one side or the other and you were right and the other side was wrong. Zero gray existed in that area at that time. The idea of love languages did not exist. People who became suicidal were "sick." People who engaged in self-reflection or self-exploration were self-centered.
As I entered adulthood and moved to a whole new world (Southern East Coast to the Pacific Northwest), self-reflection was encouraged and everyone appeared to have such an amazing understanding of themselves. This left me to trying to fit in. A woman who became a very dear friend, who I had the privilege of working with when I first moved to Washington (my first friend here, to be honest), reflected back that I appeared to be "fresh off the boat." My naivety and simple-mindedness was different to people here. Reflecting on the poor souls that had to interact with me when I moved across the country, my sympathies go out to them, for sure. I had a lot of learnin' to do to catch up. So there I was, a young woman who did not fit in down south and certainly did not fit in upon arrival in the Pacific Northwest. I was learning about how to become an independent woman from my dear friend, how to dress in a professional manner, to develop my own views, and so many other ways that one grows into an adult in a new culture. I began to be recognized as a "people pleaser" by those around me. As someone with the love language that requires affirming words, I did whatever I could do to please those around me so as not to receive the condemning or critical words.
In the past few years, in counseling sessions, I found some of the words I have given to my clients to ring true to myself. Encouragement to evaluate situations to determine why we respond the way we do to different interactions. Why do we get hurt when we feel ignored? Why does it mean so much to have someone randomly call you just to say hi? For someone who thrives on constructive criticism, why does it hurt so much when someone is critical by nature? I began to take a hard look at myself and how I respond to the people around me and realized that I have come to a precipice. Do I acknowledge that I am worth people wanting to spend time with me and/or accept positive, affirming words or do I continue living in a world of self-condemnation? A world that allows myself to feel like people are doing me a favor to want to be my friends and that any kind words are stretching the truth because I'll never be as good as they are? How does a therapist provide counseling to people suffering from depression and self-image struggles if I don't practice my own words?
Since the cancer diagnosis a few years ago, since becoming confident in the career in which I can see investing the rest of my life, since becoming physically healthy by dropping some much needed weight and eating incredibly healthier than before, and since allowing God to draw me ever so much closer to Him, I feel like a light is turning on. I am realizing that I do have something to offer others. I am a good friend. I am loyal. My opinions do matter. The way that others treated me does say more about them than it does about me. If people want to take the time to invest in a healthy relationship with me, then they are welcomed in. If they want me to be dependent on them for my self-worth, then I choose to respond with a polite "No, thank you." I am learning to refuse to accept someone else's finger pointing of blame in my direction when I did nothing wrong. I am allowed to express my feelings. It is no longer my job to please everyone around me, especially to the detriment of my value. If someone misunderstands something that I say, then it is up to that person to speak to me about it so I am able to clarify. My character is able to speak for itself. Do words still hurt? Absolutely. If someone wants me to chase them to be their friend, then I will wait patiently until they decide they want to choose someone who is loyal, committed, an advocate, and will always take the time to put into the relationship, while respecting both sets of boundaries. Respect goes both ways and I no longer accept the darts that people have tried to send my way.
Will I struggle with this newfound view? I have no doubt that I will have many times. I guess I will just have to keep recalling a few Scripture verses that remind me of how much my Father loves me. Try to keep the lens cleaner handy, I suppose. I will let you know how it goes.
"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outwards appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7b
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." ~Joshua 1:9
all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis
Your child is hurting, Father. Your child is struggling. Your child is wandering. Please touch your child's heart. Your child is sick. Your child is seeking love from wrong sources. Please help your child feel Your love. Please let Your child know that your love is a love like no other and has no strings attached. Please allow Your child to know that no amount of wandering is too far for You to reach. Please shine Your light into the dark pit that has Your child scared and feeling alone. Please help Your child to feel Your presence and help Your child to find the way out of the darkness.
