Thanksgiving

A year ago at this time, my family and friends were still reeling from the news that I was diagnosed with cancer and was to undergo an experimental surgical procedure. To be honest, we really had no idea what 2012 was going to hold, what my health status would look like, and whether or not I would survive the surgery. We went into the holidays softly, expressing gratitude that I had the original surgery, that I was being treated, and praying that God's will (whatever that was) be what occurred.

This year, the scary surgery was considered a success. While I will not likely ever be given a clean bill of health again, and cancer will always be a part of my life, I do not have to have trepidation about my future. I have recently been surrounded by others who's futures are not as optimistic. My aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer after going to the doctor saying she hadn't been feeling well. She passed away four weeks later. Someone I met online after my diagnosis, who was diagnosed shortly before I was and had the same surgery I did, was told recently that his cancer is terminal and he is fighting the fight again while at the same time preparing for the birth of their firstborn. For myself, honestly, I know that I have no control over my future in relationship to the cancer. What I do know is that I do not intend to allow it to control my life. I am grateful that I can trust my God. I can trust that He is in charge and His ultimate plan is what will be successful. I am incredibly grateful that God is the one who makes the final decisions. I'm grateful that He alone will decide my future. I am so thankful that He allowed me to survive this past year to continue on this journey called life.

As we begin to approach this holiday season, I find it no surprise that the holidays begin with gratitude. I have so many other things that also deserve my thanks. If you don't mind, I'd like to list some of them.

• I am grateful to have children whom I love more than life itself. My son has arrived into adulthood, not without aches and pains, but he is moving forward and making a life of his own with a young lady who we have all learned to enjoy having in our family. My daughter is approaching adulthood and moving so much quicker than I ever imagined. She is struggling to figure out her career goals and what she wants out of life. So much fun to be able to witness.

• I am grateful that my parents had a safe trip across the country this summer, with no more than a nervous few moments when Dad was hospitalized with pneumonia. My parents are not perfect, but they, like the rest of us, do what they can with what they have.

• I have brothers with whom I have shared much of my life. We all are not super close, as we live in three different states with our various families. I am grateful that we all still pretty much like one another. Two of them have married women who I am proud to call my sister-in-laws. I am grateful that one of my brothers and his family live only a few hours away. My family has been blessed by several nieces and a nephew who I sure wish I could have closer relationships with. I love it when I get to see them, however I can only pray that they know how much I love each and every one of them. 

• I am grateful for my very best friend. She stands beside me through thick and thin. I never have to wonder if she will be there. If I am having a tough day, she's there. She celebrates with me. She fights for me. She has helped me raise my children. I am blessed with her friendship more than I can ever express. She has stood by me this past year, and even before. Her family has adopted my children and I into their family, making it so nice to have local "family members."

• I am grateful for my adopted sister. She returned to school this year. I am grateful that she received the necessary funding to begin this scholarly journey. I hope I will be able to be there to witness her travel this path and see where God takes her. We have been so close for so many years. I can not imagine life without her as part of it.

• I am grateful for the myriad of friends God has placed in my life. Some I can only see on occasion and others I get to see and communicate with more regularly. They all hold such a special place in my heart. You see, I don't love my friends lightly. I thank God for them and can usually be found trying to stay in touch, trying to arrange a gathering, or feeling sad if we have to go too long without touching base.

• I am thankful for technology such as the internet and text messages that can keep family members and friends in communication even if we are all over the country. It makes not living nearby more tolerable than it would if we were completely out of touch.

• I am thankful for my job and my career that has been cemented more and more, the longer I get to do it. I have the privilege of working with some wonderful people that I will miss tremendously when it is time for me to move on.

• I am thankful for my church family. I have grown to love them and feel they are indeed family. It is amazing to have leaders who I can trust and respect. The longer I am part of our church family, the more I cherish them.

• I am grateful for an ex-husband and father to my children who has chosen to be supportive to our children and to me. While we were not a successful married couple, we do pretty well at working together as we are there for our children and one another.

• I am thankful for medical technology and medical providers who take care of their patients, for researchers who come up with surgeries such as the HIPEC surgery to give people like me a chance to live longer, and have a productive life at that.

I guess the bottom line for me this year is that, no matter what time or types of energy others send my way, or whatever the future holds, I will be thankful. We never know how much time we have left on this earth. I do not want my life to be decided upon by the way others feel about me or what situations are thrown my way. I want to choose to be thankful for the numerous awesome blessings God has given me. I intend to be grateful and try to focus on the positives, not dwell on the hurt, the negatives, and the challenges. 

Thank you dear readers for taking the time to read my thoughts this Thanksgiving. I hope you take the time to be grateful and appreciate the good in your life.

Birthdays - To Celebrate or Not To Celebrate

I've been thinking a lot about birthdays today. Birthdays appear to bring about mixed emotions for some people and I guess you could say I am one of them. When I think about birthdays, I typically remember the birthday parties we held for my children or surprise birthday parties we held for friends or family. These parties have typically involved lots of plans, inviting friends and family, buying just the right card and gift, ordering a cake, fun and yummy food, and socializing. Sounds like fun, right? They sure were. I have some friends who even plan their own birthday parties to assure their birthday is celebrated the way they want. 

When I was growing up, my birthday always involved inviting a few friends over for a sleepover. I  would choose my special birthday dinner that Mom would make, including what kind of cake I wanted her to make. My "party" would involve my friends who were going to sleep over and the family members who may be local at the time. I never knew any different. That was always enjoyable and I knew it was me who was being celebrated. My day. My parents would regularly spend a lot of time planning surprise parties for other friends or family. It was always fun to see how surprised the special person was. It was also a ton of fun to plan these celebrations.

When I got married, it seemed that my birthday began to be celebrated less and less. Eventually it was frequently not celebrated because I was born early in the month and our budget was unable to justify any additional costs. My ex-husband's birthday was the last day of the month, just after Christmas, and was always celebrated by parties, gifts, or whatever he wanted it to be. Through the years, I never knew if my birthday was going to be celebrated or not. I eventually just chose to ignore it. When they were little, my children never knew what day my birthday was on or considered that I even had one.

Eventually, I began to feel that, if the leader of my home, my husband, did not celebrate my day, then it should not be celebrated by others. Many years my parents would call and sometimes they wouldn't. They always sent me a card, either the day of my birthday, a few days prior, or sometimes one to two weeks after. My brothers occasionally called if they remembered. I remember one year my adopted sister decided to show up at our home with balloons, a card, and a gift. She wanted to express her love for me, while at the same time try to show my husband that my birthday was important to celebrate. I was surprised and felt special, while at the same time, felt bad that my husband had forgotten. It was most assuredly a mixed feeling kind of day. She regularly attempted to make it a special day for me, but she does have her own life, as do others.

My best friend discovered eventually that my children had no idea when my birthday actually was and took it upon herself to change that. She respected how I felt, however became quite upset that she was unable to celebrate the day that her best friend was born. She began to make it her mission to teach my children to remember the day their mother was born. She began to do what she could to make it special for me. I will say that I have not been an easy student. When I learn a lesson, I learn it well. The more that time had gone on, the more I realized that I am different. Celebrating my birthday is not a luxury I have. She even tried to plan a surprise lunch for me several years ago, inviting some good friends. We arrived at the restaurant with my children, and my sister w/ her children. No one else arrived. This person who my best friend was convinced was so special, was obviously not as special to others.

Eventually, my children did learn when my birthday was. Sometimes they choose to celebrate it and other years they don't. My best friend never forgets, but she is only one who remembers it every year. It is fascinating that I can remember everyone else's birthday, call, plan parties, etc yet mine is regularly passed over. This year, my best buddy was more excited about my birthday than normal. She said it was because of how traumatic the last year had been. My last birthday had been just after my surgery in which I was diagnosed with appendix cancer. She said she wanted to celebrate that I was still alive.

The reason this has been on my mind today is that today is my birthday. My daughter and my best friend remember the date, though I have little doubt that it is mostly because my daughter was reminded by my best friend earlier this week. My best friend wrote on my Facebook wall and tagged me in a post, informing everyone that today was my birthday. It was after that posting that, eventually people began to notice and wish me a happy birthday. Until that posting, it appeared that it was going to be yet another year when my birthday was just another day to others. I guess I am an all or nothing person. Either consider me important enough to remember the day I was born, or lets just not celebrate it at all. Is that a selfish view? Should I just accept that I am important to a few and not to most others? Is it that big of a deal to not celebrate it? At a work lunch last week, we were discussing the fact that we rarely celebrate my birthday. I was informed that it is time for that to change, that I should begin to celebrate my birthday. I have no idea how or even where to start with that.

I guess I just thought I would share my annual birthday self ramblings.Thank you for taking the time to read my pondering.... Honestly? Sometimes I just wish this day would just go away and then I would not have to struggle with it.