My Year of learning to ACCEPT

At the beginning of 2012, I happened upon a site that encouraged us to seek a word to focus on during the year. As the year progressed, we were to note how the word made changes in our lives, how we based our decisions on learning to live out the word, and what lessons we learned. As 2012 comes to a close, taking a mental inventory is a common occurrence, though for purposes of this post, the inventory will review how learning to accept played a role in the year.

If you have read my blog much in the past year, you'll notice that my word was ACCEPT. I have been working on learning how to accept myself, accept others, accept situations, and challenges. It certainly did not help matters that I was given a diagnosis of cancer just over a year ago. I have had to learn to accept that cancer is now a part of my daily life, as are CT scans, doctor's visits, and body awareness.

For a long time, I have struggled with acceptance. Acceptance of myself and feeling accepted by others has been a battle for most of my life. God and I have increasingly been working on this struggle for a few years now, though much of it culminated this year with one simple word of instruction, ACCEPT. I had to take a risk and learn to accept myself. I had to risk allowing others to accept me and show me their love. Throughout the year, the word accept has taken shape in various forms. Often it involved me taking the risk and stepping out when I normally would have shied back, fearing failure. To me, self confidence frequently translated into arrogance and being over-confident, ready to fall flat on my face. That scenario would only serve to prove that I was a failure as I had suspected anyway. Being instructed to learn how to accept has meant allowing for risks and not owning the fear. One thing that I did learn from having a cancer diagnosis, is that I need to live the life I am called to live for the time I have here. Is cancer going to kill me? I have no idea. No one knows how much time we have left on this earth. It could be days, weeks, months, or many years.

One of my jobs is to show others love and empathy. I get to do that in my job. I have always been pretty concerned that my career is moving so super quickly and I am not ready for what I am heading into. Though I am told by my clients and colleagues that I am naturally talented and skilled at what I do, I have always waited for the other shoe to drop. This year I have begun to listen to others. Not necessarily owning everything that is positive and disputing the negative. Just giving them equal credence. Self assessing my work, both skills and challenges, has not been easy, however looking at both parts has been helpful. Accepting that I can have skills as well as challenges continues to be a work in progress. I think I am getting a handle on it. I could go more into detail, but I believe I would lead myself down the road of challenges and that would defeat the purpose of this post, eh? Plus the sweet stuff just might make for good blogs in the future. 

Another area that I have been evaluating have been my looks and my weight. Getting in shape would be a wonderful goal and it is a goal that may be on my list one of these days. Accepting that I will never be thin or drop dead beautiful was made easier when I discovered that so much weight had dropped off in the first surgery. My priority now is to become physically and emotionally healthy. When that becomes stable, I will hopefully be able to focus on the additional bonus of shape building. My first job? Accept WHO I am in all shapes and sizes and then move on from there.

Something else I have blogged about has been my struggle with music and singing. While this remains an area of uncertainty for me, apparently it continues to move forward. I accepted the challenge and was given an offer by a sweet man who was willing to provide me with some help and encouragement.  Again, there are numerous questions in my head and fear of falling flat on my face, however he and several others have instructed that I am NOT to stop singing ever again. As I type this, I am awaiting a notification for my assignment to a worship team and soon hopefully being linked with the drama team. While this may be what is slated to fill the hole in my heart that I spoke about in an earlier post, my plan is to ride the wave. Accept the time and see what God does with this. Lord willing, He will allow me to be a part of leading others into His presence in worship. 

These are just a few areas in my life in which the word ACCEPT has played a role in my life in 2012. I wonder what the word will be for 2013. For now, I think that learning to accept so many things will continue to circumvent my journey and help me become the woman God has created me to be.

Thanksgiving

A year ago at this time, my family and friends were still reeling from the news that I was diagnosed with cancer and was to undergo an experimental surgical procedure. To be honest, we really had no idea what 2012 was going to hold, what my health status would look like, and whether or not I would survive the surgery. We went into the holidays softly, expressing gratitude that I had the original surgery, that I was being treated, and praying that God's will (whatever that was) be what occurred.

This year, the scary surgery was considered a success. While I will not likely ever be given a clean bill of health again, and cancer will always be a part of my life, I do not have to have trepidation about my future. I have recently been surrounded by others who's futures are not as optimistic. My aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer after going to the doctor saying she hadn't been feeling well. She passed away four weeks later. Someone I met online after my diagnosis, who was diagnosed shortly before I was and had the same surgery I did, was told recently that his cancer is terminal and he is fighting the fight again while at the same time preparing for the birth of their firstborn. For myself, honestly, I know that I have no control over my future in relationship to the cancer. What I do know is that I do not intend to allow it to control my life. I am grateful that I can trust my God. I can trust that He is in charge and His ultimate plan is what will be successful. I am incredibly grateful that God is the one who makes the final decisions. I'm grateful that He alone will decide my future. I am so thankful that He allowed me to survive this past year to continue on this journey called life.

As we begin to approach this holiday season, I find it no surprise that the holidays begin with gratitude. I have so many other things that also deserve my thanks. If you don't mind, I'd like to list some of them.

• I am grateful to have children whom I love more than life itself. My son has arrived into adulthood, not without aches and pains, but he is moving forward and making a life of his own with a young lady who we have all learned to enjoy having in our family. My daughter is approaching adulthood and moving so much quicker than I ever imagined. She is struggling to figure out her career goals and what she wants out of life. So much fun to be able to witness.

• I am grateful that my parents had a safe trip across the country this summer, with no more than a nervous few moments when Dad was hospitalized with pneumonia. My parents are not perfect, but they, like the rest of us, do what they can with what they have.

• I have brothers with whom I have shared much of my life. We all are not super close, as we live in three different states with our various families. I am grateful that we all still pretty much like one another. Two of them have married women who I am proud to call my sister-in-laws. I am grateful that one of my brothers and his family live only a few hours away. My family has been blessed by several nieces and a nephew who I sure wish I could have closer relationships with. I love it when I get to see them, however I can only pray that they know how much I love each and every one of them. 

• I am grateful for my very best friend. She stands beside me through thick and thin. I never have to wonder if she will be there. If I am having a tough day, she's there. She celebrates with me. She fights for me. She has helped me raise my children. I am blessed with her friendship more than I can ever express. She has stood by me this past year, and even before. Her family has adopted my children and I into their family, making it so nice to have local "family members."

• I am grateful for my adopted sister. She returned to school this year. I am grateful that she received the necessary funding to begin this scholarly journey. I hope I will be able to be there to witness her travel this path and see where God takes her. We have been so close for so many years. I can not imagine life without her as part of it.

• I am grateful for the myriad of friends God has placed in my life. Some I can only see on occasion and others I get to see and communicate with more regularly. They all hold such a special place in my heart. You see, I don't love my friends lightly. I thank God for them and can usually be found trying to stay in touch, trying to arrange a gathering, or feeling sad if we have to go too long without touching base.

• I am thankful for technology such as the internet and text messages that can keep family members and friends in communication even if we are all over the country. It makes not living nearby more tolerable than it would if we were completely out of touch.

• I am thankful for my job and my career that has been cemented more and more, the longer I get to do it. I have the privilege of working with some wonderful people that I will miss tremendously when it is time for me to move on.

• I am thankful for my church family. I have grown to love them and feel they are indeed family. It is amazing to have leaders who I can trust and respect. The longer I am part of our church family, the more I cherish them.

• I am grateful for an ex-husband and father to my children who has chosen to be supportive to our children and to me. While we were not a successful married couple, we do pretty well at working together as we are there for our children and one another.

• I am thankful for medical technology and medical providers who take care of their patients, for researchers who come up with surgeries such as the HIPEC surgery to give people like me a chance to live longer, and have a productive life at that.

I guess the bottom line for me this year is that, no matter what time or types of energy others send my way, or whatever the future holds, I will be thankful. We never know how much time we have left on this earth. I do not want my life to be decided upon by the way others feel about me or what situations are thrown my way. I want to choose to be thankful for the numerous awesome blessings God has given me. I intend to be grateful and try to focus on the positives, not dwell on the hurt, the negatives, and the challenges. 

Thank you dear readers for taking the time to read my thoughts this Thanksgiving. I hope you take the time to be grateful and appreciate the good in your life.

Birthdays - To Celebrate or Not To Celebrate

I've been thinking a lot about birthdays today. Birthdays appear to bring about mixed emotions for some people and I guess you could say I am one of them. When I think about birthdays, I typically remember the birthday parties we held for my children or surprise birthday parties we held for friends or family. These parties have typically involved lots of plans, inviting friends and family, buying just the right card and gift, ordering a cake, fun and yummy food, and socializing. Sounds like fun, right? They sure were. I have some friends who even plan their own birthday parties to assure their birthday is celebrated the way they want. 

When I was growing up, my birthday always involved inviting a few friends over for a sleepover. I  would choose my special birthday dinner that Mom would make, including what kind of cake I wanted her to make. My "party" would involve my friends who were going to sleep over and the family members who may be local at the time. I never knew any different. That was always enjoyable and I knew it was me who was being celebrated. My day. My parents would regularly spend a lot of time planning surprise parties for other friends or family. It was always fun to see how surprised the special person was. It was also a ton of fun to plan these celebrations.

When I got married, it seemed that my birthday began to be celebrated less and less. Eventually it was frequently not celebrated because I was born early in the month and our budget was unable to justify any additional costs. My ex-husband's birthday was the last day of the month, just after Christmas, and was always celebrated by parties, gifts, or whatever he wanted it to be. Through the years, I never knew if my birthday was going to be celebrated or not. I eventually just chose to ignore it. When they were little, my children never knew what day my birthday was on or considered that I even had one.

Eventually, I began to feel that, if the leader of my home, my husband, did not celebrate my day, then it should not be celebrated by others. Many years my parents would call and sometimes they wouldn't. They always sent me a card, either the day of my birthday, a few days prior, or sometimes one to two weeks after. My brothers occasionally called if they remembered. I remember one year my adopted sister decided to show up at our home with balloons, a card, and a gift. She wanted to express her love for me, while at the same time try to show my husband that my birthday was important to celebrate. I was surprised and felt special, while at the same time, felt bad that my husband had forgotten. It was most assuredly a mixed feeling kind of day. She regularly attempted to make it a special day for me, but she does have her own life, as do others.

My best friend discovered eventually that my children had no idea when my birthday actually was and took it upon herself to change that. She respected how I felt, however became quite upset that she was unable to celebrate the day that her best friend was born. She began to make it her mission to teach my children to remember the day their mother was born. She began to do what she could to make it special for me. I will say that I have not been an easy student. When I learn a lesson, I learn it well. The more that time had gone on, the more I realized that I am different. Celebrating my birthday is not a luxury I have. She even tried to plan a surprise lunch for me several years ago, inviting some good friends. We arrived at the restaurant with my children, and my sister w/ her children. No one else arrived. This person who my best friend was convinced was so special, was obviously not as special to others.

Eventually, my children did learn when my birthday was. Sometimes they choose to celebrate it and other years they don't. My best friend never forgets, but she is only one who remembers it every year. It is fascinating that I can remember everyone else's birthday, call, plan parties, etc yet mine is regularly passed over. This year, my best buddy was more excited about my birthday than normal. She said it was because of how traumatic the last year had been. My last birthday had been just after my surgery in which I was diagnosed with appendix cancer. She said she wanted to celebrate that I was still alive.

The reason this has been on my mind today is that today is my birthday. My daughter and my best friend remember the date, though I have little doubt that it is mostly because my daughter was reminded by my best friend earlier this week. My best friend wrote on my Facebook wall and tagged me in a post, informing everyone that today was my birthday. It was after that posting that, eventually people began to notice and wish me a happy birthday. Until that posting, it appeared that it was going to be yet another year when my birthday was just another day to others. I guess I am an all or nothing person. Either consider me important enough to remember the day I was born, or lets just not celebrate it at all. Is that a selfish view? Should I just accept that I am important to a few and not to most others? Is it that big of a deal to not celebrate it? At a work lunch last week, we were discussing the fact that we rarely celebrate my birthday. I was informed that it is time for that to change, that I should begin to celebrate my birthday. I have no idea how or even where to start with that.

I guess I just thought I would share my annual birthday self ramblings.Thank you for taking the time to read my pondering.... Honestly? Sometimes I just wish this day would just go away and then I would not have to struggle with it. 

Judgement or Compassion?

I am a believer and follower of Christ Jesus. He is my Lord and my Savior. I believe that God the Father and Creator of the universe sent His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. Christ lived His life as an example for us, was sacrificed as the Ultimate Redeemer, resurrected and returned to sit at God's right hand. After Christ's return to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit to us as a Counselor. 

Why did God create a world that He, in His all knowing, perfect self, would let Him down and be the sinful souls that we are? I am unable to answer that. What I do know is that He loves us beyond all understanding. The fact that, throughout history, as recorded in Scripture, God has always displayed His amazing love for us, given us more chances than any of us could have ever dreamed, and gifted us with mercy and compassion that we can never quite grasp. Outside of Jesus, no one in history has ever lived a sin-free life. Our lives are so sinful that the only way we are able to become pure enough to even consider approaching heaven's throne is that God (the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) was so incredibly compassionate to make the ultimate, most awesome sacrifice. Yet, we all still continue to sin. We all still mess up. We still 100% depend on God's grace and mercy to even live day by day.

I was raised in a judgemental environment. I was taught that we should judge good and evil as a way to assure I was living a life worthy of being considered a Christian. I guess you could say I was raised in a "works" and "earn your way to heaven" mindset. Through the years, I found myself being judgemental. Doing my own version of separating the sheep from the goats. I was never good enough, while at the same time, as long as I did the right things and made the right decisions, I might be able to squeeze my way in. As I became an adult and my relationship with God developed, I began to realize that all the best behavior possible would not allow my entrance into heaven. It is through God's grace and His grace alone. I also realized that not everyone believes the same as I do. Not everyone behaves the same as I do. I also learned that....guess what? I don't have all of the right answers.

I never thought I would make many decisions that I made. I surely would not have been divorced. I would surely never be accused of being an immoral person because I would not live my life in such a way. What I had not taken into account is that others may not know what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone, including myself, does not always have all of the answers. I don't always know the message and direction given by God to other people. What I DO know is that I am instructed not to judge, but to LOVE and FORGIVE. If I feel called to judge, I should judge the same way that I want God to judge me. God alone is judge. God's example over and over again is that HE will deal with things that need to be dealt with.

In the past several years, I have both experienced and witnessed judgement, gossip, and slander. Unfortunately the primary aggressors have been other people who declare themselves as believers. People who study the same Scripture and follow the same God whom I do. I have to say that "friendly fire" hurts unlike any other hurt. More recently someone I love very dearly has been on a journey that has involved numerous injuries sustained by "friendly fire." Words like "you are living in sin."  "I love you, but I can't support you in this." People who she loved dearly and cherished have placed her in a position they denied they would ever do. Like myself, she trusted these people who "sling the mud." Prayed for illnesses, stood by them during trials, cooked for them, opened our homes for them. These people have proceeded to talk to other people, gossiping, slandering publicly. I am sure that this behavior both causes tears to God's eyes and goes against the behavior He instructed for His children. Are we to judge? Are we to have compassion and love?  What happens to the children of the people we are judging? What example are we showing to others who look to Christ followers as examples of God's love? Do we know the entire story? Do we know the communication between others and God? Do we know what He is instructing the other person to do? We are to come beside, nurture, love, provide loving warnings if necessary, and hold tenderly in our arms.

How do you intend to live your life? For myself, I intend to follow God's leading by His words and His example. LOVE and FORGIVENESS. COMPASSION and MERCY. 

OCTOBER 19th

Today marks a year since I received news that I will never forget. News that permanently changed my life and the lives of those closest to me. This time last year, I was heading into surgery to remove a mass that was discovered in my abdomen. All of the labwork had previously reported that there was minimal chance the mass was cancerous. On October 19, 2011, I underwent surgery where it was discovered I had an extremely rare form of appendix cancer. If you have read much of my blog, you have read about the struggle my family and I have gone through to process this information and learn more than we ever imagined we would learn about this mysterious illness. Six months later, I underwent the only available treatment for this cancer, an experimental procedure to hopefully kill any remaining cancer. We have no idea how effective the procedure was and understand that it may show up at any time in my future. For the rest of my life, I will be considered to have cancer. While the diagnosis does not define me, it certainly impacts my future. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have been informed of the return of the cancer to someone else who appears to be walking a parallel journey, as I noted in my last post. My family also found out recently that one of my aunts was diagnosed with terminal cancer that has spread throughout her body. The doctors believe that any possible treatments would only prolong her life for a couple of months so she is opting to not have any treatments and just wait it out. Ever since my diagnosis, I have come to terms with the fact that cancer has chosen to invade my body and I can either allow it to run my life, or live life to the full. I have chosen to expect that I will be here on earth as long as God has planned and not engage in fearful thoughts. I guess you could say more examples of ACCEPTance. While I have no intention of owning fear, the recent news from Nick, from my aunt, and several others in my life has shaken me. It shed a light on the idea that the cancer may indeed show it's ugly head in my body again. 

A friend asked me earlier this week if I feel this year has gone fast or slow. That caused me to ponder the past year. In all honesty, I don't see this past year as a year at all. I see it in chunks of time, from surgery to surgery, situation to situation, life changes to life changes. In the past year, I learned to accept love and support from friends. I learned how it feels to have people step up and help me, show me how much I mean to them. A couple of examples that caught me completely off guard were a) the number of people who came to visit me in the hospital to see for themselves that I was actually going to be okay and b) the cards, gifts, donated leave, visits, etc from my co-workers. I have been absolutely in awe so many times this past year.

I have also learned to not allow myself to be stuck in the rut of life, to try harder not to allow my past and the mean and ugly words from others to dictate my decisions. I guess you can say that I am trying to push the stop button on the negative inner tape recorder and attempting to embrace more positives. It has not been easy, but I feel it is important to live the life I have left without wasting the gifts God has given me. If my life lasts another 10 years or 50 years, I have a job to do. I can sit on the sidelines and allow the judgements or criticisms of others to decide my actions or decisions or I can step into the race and run as best I can. So, sorry satan. What you may have meant for evil, God meant for good and my Lord promises that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. God promised me that and I believe Him. Sometimes I feel a bit excited about what my future holds, no matter how long or short it is, while at the same time I sure hope I don't have to hear the doctor say that the cancer is back. 

STILL LEARNING TO ACCEPT

It is absolutely amazing to me how God has continually focused me this year on learning to ACCEPT....It appears so often that when I find myself in a struggle or a challenge, that pesky word pops up....Would acceptance help me find my path here? Would acceptance relieve some of the anxiety that I would normally feel in this situation? Would accepting certain things help ease the self doubt and negativity?

In a previous post, I wrote about feeling that God has been making me aware of a hole in my heart and moving me in a specific direction. I have been wondering what is supposed to fill this hole and which direction God is leading me. A few pretty significant things have occurred since then. 

During this summer, a very sweet and encouraging man took time out of his schedule to work with me on a near weekly basis to help build up my diaphragmatic support and dig in the pit to help re-build my self confidence in my singing ability. I am now scheduled to sing on the worship team in a few weeks. How will I do? I have no idea. It's been a very long time since I sang in front of a microphone. I'm pretty nervous, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Also this summer, a friend let me know about a job that would soon be opening in the agency where she works. She felt that I would completely enjoy this job. This comes at a time when I have been pondering leaving my current agency. I have felt that I was nearing the end of the work I've had to do there. I have always felt I would be there temporarily, though I love what I do and the team that I have been privileged to work with for the past five years. It sounded like a great possibility so I waited until the job was advertised and then applied for it. The application process took a couple of weeks, driving me nuts. Let me just say that this job would involve a great deal of bureaucracy, which I knew prior to beginning the application process. During the two months after the job was posted, I found myself struggling with patience, attempting to not become distracted, and trying to present myself as the most appropriate person for the job so they would be interested in hiring me. When I would begin to become anxious, I realized that there was a part of me attempting to take control over something when I should learn to be still and wait. I have to accept God's timing is not always my timing.

When I was diagnosed with Appendix cancer nearly a year ago, God blessed me with the ability to connect with a wonderful young couple whose lives were turned upside down with the same diagnosis. Nick and his wife, Alyssa, have been an amazing support to me on this cancer journey. Nick underwent the same HIPEC surgery that I did, about five months prior to me, so they were able to give me wonderful advice and words of wisdom. We were both healing quite well and moving on with our lives. This week I found out that Nick's cancer has returned. Here is their journey and health update. Hearing that this couple's lives are turned upside down yet again after holding onto the hope that he was healed from the surgery really hit me hard. If Nick's cancer can return full force, so can mine.

Working with people in all walks of life, I hear stories about lives lived and decisions made that are different than I would ever make. Family and friends make choices that either I wouldn't make or I feel like are mistakes. Does that mean that I know the "right" path for everyone? No. Does it mean that I know what I believe would be "right" for myself? I think so. Part of being a social worker is honoring a set of core values. One of these values is respecting the inherent dignity and worth of every person. One of the greatest commands given to Christ followers is to love others as we love ourselves. To me, that means unconditional love and acceptance of everyone. As a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a co-worker, a mental health professional. In all aspects of my life, I am called to accept others as they are and love unconditionally. 

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~ Matthew 7:2

So, to summarize my ponderings and my journey to acceptance. It appears that music is being returned into my life. Where it's going, I have no idea. I just have to take it step by step. Terrified of falling flat on my face? Yep, but I am going to do everything I can to accept it and reclaim this as one of my outlets. As far as the job, I did complete the application process and participated in an interview last week. I have no idea whether I will be offered the job or not. What I do know is that I followed where I believe I was led and did the best I could do. I may not hear anything for  a couple of weeks. If I am offered the position, it will be an amazing career move. If I'm not, then God obviously has other plans. Strangely, I have a peace about the career part. Not a peace that the job is for me, however a peace that I am walking the correct path and it will resolve the way God wants it to resolve. Appendix cancer? Well, there is really not much I can do about it. My surgeon does not want to see me again until April. All I can do is pay attention to my body until then and trust that God is in charge. I had to accept the diagnosis a year ago. I had to accept that this will impact my life forever. Others will be diagnosed and re-diagnosed. That does not mean that the cancer will return in my body. I have to accept that there is nothing more I can do and worrying will not help at all.

The next part of my journey as summer has led us into fall is what may be the most difficult. Accepting others and their decisions and maybe even more so, accepting myself. I believe that accepting others is much easier than accepting myself. Am I talented enough to sing on stage? Am I skilled enough to earn such a wonderful career move? Can I go through life not being judgemental and accepting others as who they are? What will happen if I'm told that the cancer has returned? 

When I compare where I am to where I was five years ago or even one year ago, I think I have grown. I think I have learned how to start forgiving my weaknesses. I do wonder where I will be on this path of acceptance by the end of the year. I am so grateful that God will continue leading me on this journey.

Relationships

I've been thinking quite a bit recently about relationships. When you hear the word "relationship," what is the first thing you think of? I found this link about relationships in researching the topic online. Very interesting information that I think I will be taking a longer look at. 

"However successful you are, there is no substitute for a close relationship. We all need them." ~ Francesca Annis

I have found that many people, when they hear "relationship," allow their brains to immediately go to the intimate partnership relationship. As a celibate, divorced woman who's primary intimate relationships are not of a sexual nature, but are rather with my friends and family, I go a different direction. I do think of relationships as being between husband/wife and boyfriend/girlfriend partnerships, as well as best friends, acquaintances, parents/children, siblings, and many more combinations. I would go so far as believing that any time someone interacts with another person, a relationship is formed and communication occurs. We have the opportunity to touch the heart of someone whenever we make eye contact, speak words to them, lay our hand on their shoulder OR avoid making eye contact, avoid verbal or physical contact. Something is always communicated with that person. 

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." ~ William James

When we touch the heart of another, are we communicating that we care, that we are willing to share in their life, that we are invested? When we choose to not interact with someone, a message is also conveyed. What is that message? The message could be one of self focus, of avoidance for fear of being hurt, of being empty and having nothing left to give. What message is being conveyed? That the person is not worthy? That you are judging them? That you dislike them? That you don't have the time for them? What are they perceiving from this interaction?

"A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship."~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I have heard it said from people who have suffered from serious illnesses or the unexpected loss of a loved one that support can come from many places, often support that was not anticipated. Those who are suffering are often overwhelmed by the love and support provided. Then, before they know it, life has gone back to normal. I have heard it said that the message they have received is one of "the time is up and you have to get moving again" or "we've supported you and are now going back to our lives. We can't hold your hand forever." Evidently there is a time limit on suffering, mourning, grieving, questioning. Conditional love and support is so incredibly hurtful.

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up ....." ~1Thessalonians 5:11

What happens when you have people you feel are close friends who are there for crises, though not on a regular basis? Life takes over and they are only able to fit you in when their schedule allows for it. You realize that you are the only one to instigate activities, phone calls, text messages, Facebook communication, emails. These friends have time for one another, but not for you. If you need that person for something specific, they are there without a doubt, but not for daily life. What does that say about this relationship? You want to be there with and for them, but all of a sudden you feel it goes one sided. You know you've all had a wonderful time when you are together, but all of a sudden you wonder if you are the only one invested in this relationship. So you decide to test it out. See if they will miss you. You stop trying to communicate and see what happens. Isolate to a degree. What happens? Do they even notice?

"And let us consider how we may spur one another toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching." ~ Hebrews 10:24-25

What defines a relationship? Are we called to give and give and not expect it given in return? Am I a bad person for feeling left out? You notice that they communicate with others, however not you. Do they just always assume you will be there? Of course you will always be there, but you want to be there for more than crisis alone. If you allow the relationship to be one of crisis only, will you call out to them if such a time transpires? I would lose count if I attempted to count the number of clients I have had who, when asked who is their support system respond, "no one. They have their own lives. I don't want to add to their stuff." "Sure they'll be there if I ask them, but I don't want to burden them." Again I ask, what message are we giving out?

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." ~ John 15:12-13

I really don't have an answer for this as I'm still pondering. Relationships are tough to pin down. There is no right or wrong, but they are certainly worth more than silver or gold. What kind of friend am I? When people think of me, what message did I convey to them? Do they want me there for good times as well as hard or am I one for crisis only? What about the people in my life? Do they love and accept me on a daily basis or are they "call me when you need me" kinds of friends?

"The sweet smell of incense can make you feel good, but true friendship is better still." ~ Proverbs 27:9 

 

 

For my dear friends.....Thank you!!

I've been so amazingly blessed by people in my life who have touched my heart. You are amazing and I love you!! Thank you for standing by me, praying, supporting, and making me the person I am today. I cherish each and every one of you. God has blessed me with you in my life. Many of us have had strife and struggles. We may have even struggled in our friendship, but we stand there nonetheless. This song makes me think of you and reminds me of how blessed I am. So much of my life is better because of you.

"...ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God's people,I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. " ~ Ephesians 1:15-19

Legacy

The past 12 months have shown themselves to be full of questions and personal pain. I really have no idea what God's plans are, however I know I have to trust Him. I know that the cancer diagnosis was not only a huge surprise to me, but to my family and my friends. I have spent the year not asking why is this happening to me, but what am I supposed to do with what God is giving me. I know for a fact that God's plans are always good and, in Deuteronomy, He assures me that He will never leave me or forsake me. I continue to trust that and accept God's will for my life.

People often ask where my faith and acceptance comes from. I'd have to say that a large portion of my faith has been passed down through generations. This has become painfully clear during the past few months. On April 10th, the day before my big surgery, God took my maternal grandmother home to live with him. My grandmother was 85yrs old and had been suffering from various physical health issues for a while. She was a super sweet lady who took a great deal of pride in her six children, sixteen grandchildren, and thirteen great-grandchildren. I will never see a crossword puzzle or word search puzzle without thinking about my grandmother. She had puzzle books all over the place and did them as long as I can remember. It's funny the things that we look back so fondly on. Puzzle books, game shows, and pride in her large family are a few that I will always associate with my grandma.

I spoke to my mom yesterday. One of my aunts has been care provider for my grandparents for about the past four years. My mom went there recently to give my aunt a break for a couple of weeks. I inquired as to how my grandfather was doing and my mom told me he wasn't doing well. He was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, has had super thick blood for a long time, and other health problems. The long and the short of it is that his children have decided, unanimously, to discontinue CT scans, cancer treatments, and other invasive procedures. He's not getting better and the thought is to just keep him as comfortable as possible. He's 87yrs old and not in good health. Mom said he's sleeping a lot more and not eating much at all. Of course, since I'm a therapist, I'm fully aware that he just lost his wife of 66yrs. His fatigue and loss of appetite is likely due to depression as well as poor health. To think that my grandfather is feeling depressed is such a hard feeling to grasp. To think that he will not likely be around much longer is incredibly difficult.

You see, my grandpa has always been a man I have admired and adored. I never witnessed him display any cruelty towards anyone. He loved and accepted everyone. He has always been a wonderful example of showing God's love to his neighbors. My grandparents raised their six children as Bible believing and Christ following members of society. I was raised in Georgia and my grandparents made their home in Indiana so we were able to visit when they came to us or we came to them. I will never forget visiting them during summers. A common activity was to attend their church. My grandparents introduced each of us to their church family. As time marched on, church members would automatically walk up to us and just know that we belonged to my grandparents. 

My grandfather would never think twice about giving to others. This man has probably the largest heart of anyone I've ever met in my life. A simple man with a heart as big as Texas. His children and grandchildren have always adored him. I have so many memories of him, but it's still not enough. I wish I had more. I wish I could soak up more of his stories, of his love, and of the sparkle in his eye. It was with my grandfather that I learned to read the Bible. I remember sitting on his lap reading my brand new Bible when I was in early elementary school. He loved listening to us read. My grandpa has always been a self taught man and loved learning all kinds of things.

You see, my grandparents have left a legacy that we are blessed to receive. I can only hope to create a legacy even close to this one. The recent diagnosis of cancer has made me ponder quite a bit about what legacy I would like to leave when God decides it's time to take me home. Will I leave behind a love for my Father, for my family, and for my community the way my grandfather has done? Will I always be available for a hug? Will my home always have an open door and acceptance policy? When my grandchildren remember me, will they remember that their grandmother loved God with all of her heart, mind, soul, and strength? My grandparents showed that to me. I miss knowing that my grandma will be there next time I go to Indiana to visit. It's simply heartbreaking to know that my grandpa will likely be called home before I go back as well. I am so grateful to have been left such a wonderful legacy and for the privilege to say it is from their line I have come.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." ~ Deuteronomy 6:5-9

An interesting tidbit of information....My grandfather's name is Prince and my grandmother's name was Saralee. She was such a sweetie and he is a prince among men in my eyes. Talk about living up to your name..... 

He'll Do it Again

A few years ago, I was at a Christian Women's Retreat. My ex-husband and I had separated nearly a year before and I was really struggling with the idea of divorce. When we married, I married until death do us part. The thought that it was over was incredibly difficult to grasp, as was the thought that I would soon be a divorced woman. I had been a stay-at-home mother for 12yrs, putting my life on hold, supporting my husband, raising our children, and focusing on what I felt I was supposed to focus on. I had no idea what my future would hold. I had no idea what this break-up would mean for my walk with Christ, with my Christian friends, with my family, for my children. What would my life look like as a divorced woman starting over? How would I support my children? Having been raised in a controlling home and being in an abusive marriage for 17yrs, would I have any idea how to live life alone?

At the retreat, the guest speaker was an amazing woman who had also survived an abusive marriage. She had been raised in the church and struggled with what God would think of her  ending the marriage. She knew the struggle that I was facing as I was dealing with conflict in my congregation due to the break-up of my marriage. She took the time to talk to me and give me the hard words as well as the encouragement to accept my future as a gift from God. During the weekend, she dedicated this song to me. I'll never forget her words. I purchased her CD and this song touches me every time I hear it.

Fast forward 5yrs from that retreat. God had called me back to school. I had graduated with a BA degree, followed by a Master's degree. To celebrate and to provide a gift to my family, we took a trip to Hawaii. The pictures in this video are from that trip. A frequent reminder of God taking care of things and moving my life forward. A reminder that, to accept the call to travel the journey he takes us on, often leads to a life unlike what we ever would have imagined. I can not imagine where my life would be at this point had I not followed His call. As I continue learning to accept His direction, I need to be reminded that all will work out according to God's plan.....and that's the only way to go. I hope this song touches you as it touched me.

Thank you Tammie Kay Arnim for your words and for using your talent.

Mid-Way Through Learning to Accept

  
So, those of us who are participating in the One Word challenge have been asked to do a mid-year update on how we're doing. My word this year has been ACCEPT and it has certainly been quite the challenge. Between dealing with the whole appendix cancer diagnosis and two abdominal surgeries within six months, learning to accept help and support from others, and figuring out some changes that need to happen in my thinking this year has been interesting to say the least.

Something that I had not considered when I agreed to the challenge was how often I reminded myself of the need to accept the changes in my life. Accepting the idea that cancer had chosen to lay claim to my abdomen was actually the simplest of the things I have had to accept. During my medical leave, when others offered to help and/or stay at the hospital, reminding myself that they were there because they wanted to be with me was a bit easier when I remembered that I was learning to accept help from others. I had to remember that allowing them to stand with me was no different than me standing with others. I do it because I care. Why shouldn't they be able to show me that they care about me the same way? How dare I prevent them from expressing their love and concern for me?


Learning to accept how much I am respected at work is proving to be slightly more difficult. I have not been in the social work field for very long so how is it possible that  I am as equally skilled as those whom I have the privilege of working beside? A very dear friend made a book for me to take the hospital. It was a guest book for those who visited to sign with messages so I would be able to remember who had been there. Not only did she make this beautiful book, she arranged for many of my colleagues and friends to send me messages in the book. The love and support this team has shown to me this past year has been more incredible than I could ever have imagined. Remembering the word I was working towards this year has helped remind me to accept this love and support as well as accept their opinions of my social work skills. Maybe I actually am a skilled social worker. Maybe God has provided me with what I need to do this job. 


Probably even more challenging for me has been learning to accept abilities that could possibly be talents given to me by God. For so long I have struggled with the concept of talents and consistently compared myself to others, of course always weighing in as not good enough. I'm continuing down this journey of attempting to find and accept these pieces of myself. Not sure yet how this journey will play out, however my job right now is to learn the acceptance of what may or may not be talents for me. A goal of learning to accept my abilities without comparing them to others is a good place to start. I'll have to let you know how that one goes as time goes on.

The most difficult part of this journey is learning to accept love from God. As someone who has been raised in church and has the full knowledge that God loves me, accepting that love is frequently more challenging. I was raised to fear God. Be obedient to His commands. The feelings involved in my faith was not something addressed quite so much. For someone who struggles with not feeling good enough, accepting God's love for me as an individual somehow tends to feel prideful. Lest I come across doubtful of God's love, please understand that I believe God sent His Son to save all of us. The problem comes with individualizing that love. That's definitely a blog for another day as I travel down this road learning to accept God's perfect love.

"Accept" has most assuredly been a word I believe God has laid out for me this year. As many changes have occurred during the first half of the year, I become torn between anxiety and excitement for the rest of the year. How will God continue to work in my heart? How will He teach me to accept things about Him, about others, and about myself? Interesting journey I must say.

3 months post surgery - Where am I now?

It's been a while since I posted on here. Life has been absolutely crazy since the last time. I was able to return to work on June 6th, working half days to re-build my energy and then, after 6 days of that, I went back full time. As much as I hated to admit it, working half time was probably a better option, as I became tired pretty quickly. Now, after about a month of full time work, I think I can honestly say that I'm functioning pretty close to normal. I'm so incredibly grateful that God blessed me with such wonderful physicians, such an amazing support system, and granted researchers with the ability to discover the treatments and surgeries I have gone through. 

Balancing work, home, and health has required a great deal more energy than I imagined it would. During my recovery, my best friend and I were able to take a short amount of time and make an appearance at a Relay for Life. Walking part of the relay with the other cancer survivors felt slightly awkward, I must admit. While I understand that I was diagnosed with cancer and underwent intraperitoneal chemo, rather than IV chemo or radiation, I just struggle with the idea that cancer is cancer is cancer. I can't help but feel that I have been very fortunate. The side effects I have experienced have been much shorter and less severe than others have had to endure. My heart goes out to those folks and I wonder how I dare compare what I have been through with their very difficult journeys. My best friend and I have had several conversations regarding this topic, however I'm still struggling with it. Maybe a light bulb will turn on at some point. I think for now, I will just continue to focus on God's graciousness in providing a quick recovery and the possibility of complete healing. I guess that's really the bottom line anyway, isn't it?


In addition to pondering the whole cancer thing, I've also spent some time continuing to ponder the empty space I have discovered. Recently I have been able to gradually add activities to my work schedule, in the hopes of living a full life soon. I was able to join our church choir for a weekend full of performances the weekend before Independence Day. Performing at my church consists of participating in a worship rehearsal and singing for 5 services throughout the weekend. That was tiring, but a lot of fun. I do so enjoy singing. Worshiping God through music is probably one of my favorite things to do. Then add to my personal enjoyment, the thought that we have the opportunity to lead others into the same privilege of approaching God's throne to sing to Him.....WOW.....Words are unable to describe the feeling and honor.


I have to say that singing in the choir has helped that hole not feel quite so spacious. I was recently asked what I would like to do with my music. I was at a loss for words, honestly. My ultimate response was that I would love to be able to lead others in their worship, draw them closer to God by the music, the lyrics, or whatever else the Holy Spirit chooses to use. To be used by God in that manner would be absolutely amazing. Is God calling me into this area to be used that way? I really don't know. I would love to think yes, but honestly I'm afraid to think yes. I think I continue to feel I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. During my surgery, the surgeons scraped my diaphragm, resulting in a lack of sustaining power and an ability to hit notes I can normally hit. Someone has recently offered to help me get that back into shape. He has offered to work with me on a near weekly basis to see what my voice can do. I accepted his offer, but I am pretty nervous. What will happen if it is discovered that I was right? That I'm not as good as I would like to be? It seems that recently God has repeatedly brought to my attention what my family/friends lovingly refer to as "my verse." 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Yes, Lord, I understand. My job is to continue going where You call me to go. It is not to question. It is to trust. I trusted You 100% with the cancer and my surgeries. Why is it so difficult to trust with this? What an interesting thought. Maybe it's because I knew that the cancer and surgeries were out of my control, but I'm afraid I will mess this one up. Maybe I'm afraid of embracing music as a talent, in case I'm wrong. "For I know the plans I have for you...." Yes Father. You know the plans. That's all that really matters, isn't it? For if You know, I don't need to know. I simply need to accept YOUR plan and trust You. Thank You. Thank You for healing me. Thank You for reminding me. Thank You for using me for Your plans. I love You my God.

Learning to ACCEPT who I am

When I entered into the field of social work, ultimately becoming a mental health professional and therapist, I was informed by many that this was a great fit for me. I have heard multiple times that "you're finally trained now to do something that you've always done. You've always been drawn to the people who are hurting. If there's someone in a room who is upset, you always seem to find yourself sitting with them as they pour their heart out." 


I guess I have to admit that these people are right. I have never been shy. During my entire life, I have heard my parents tell others that I have "never met a stranger." Put together my natural, outgoing nature with my heart for people who are hurting and....there you go. 


It seems I've been on a life-long mission to discover more about myself and how to better communicate with those in my life. I've studied the 5 Love Languages and learned that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation. I've studied various Learning Styles as taught by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias and discovered that I am Concrete Sequential. My friends and I recently began exploring personality tests. We found particular interest in the Myer's & Briggs Personality Types. I had taken this test during my senior year of my undergraduate program, then took it again with my friends. In college, I tested as an ESTJ. Recently, I tested as an ESFJ. The difference between the T (Thinking) and the F (Feeling) appears to be quite minimal, actually. I believe that I tested higher in the Thinking area while in school because I had been using more of the intellectual portion of myself. Regardless, I began researching the various personality types to see how accurate the results are.


According to the Myer's and Briggs Foundation, they describe the ESFJ (Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judging - Please follow the link to the website for descriptions of the various types.) as:  

"Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-by-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute."

Fascinated, I continued to search for more information and discovered the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. They further break down the various personality types of the Myer's & Briggs by grouping the types into 4 groups and breaking them down from there. Their description of the ESFJ is as a Guardian Provider. 

"Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

         Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that 

         they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and 

         will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic 

         that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their 

         conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions

         are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In 

         addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and 

         neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or 

         church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others." 

Wow. That was pretty interesting. I researched this personality type on various other websites and increasingly discovered that this type describes me pretty well. To further confirm it, my friends and my daughter nodded each of their heads while listening to the descriptions. I have heard it said that I am quite verbal and outgoing, a team player, compassionate/empathetic, and overly sensitive to criticism. I have been called a busybody. "Why do you need to know everyone's business?" The ironic thing is that the same people who say this to me are the ones who look to me when they need to know what's going on around them. 


"Why do you care so much what they think?" "What that person says doesn't matter." Do I like being sensitive to the words of others? Do I wish that I didn't care so much? Of course I don't always like being "too sensitive." Who would like to have their heart hurt every time someone says something mean? Pondering these questions, I am reminded of what Scripture tells us about words. 

"The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit." ~ Proverbs 15:4

"The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." ~ Proverbs 12:18 

"For the ear test words as the tongue tastes food." ~ Job 34:3

"Before a word is on my tongue, you Lord, know it completely." ~ Psalm 139:4 

That means that God created me to be sensitive to the words of others. He created me with the ability to appreciate words of others. He created me to listen to the words of others. It's pretty easy to accept the "good" parts of our personalities. The parts that we like and that are liked by others, we deem as acceptable. The parts that are difficult, we feel are less acceptable. Being a team player, compassionate, empathetic, having a good memory for special occasions are all good things. Admirable qualities some may say. Being an extrovert in a world full of introverts is not easy. Using my five senses and being concrete in the way I take in information can make it difficult to relate to those who are more abstract and intuitive. 


During the past 8 weeks since my surgery, I've had a lot of time to heal and think. Probably too much time to think, but....it's what I do when I have so much free time on my own and away from other people for extended periods of time. My word for this year is ACCEPT. Well, one of the things I should probably learn to accept is myself and to accept myself, maybe learning who I am is a good place to start. Maybe then I'll be able to figure out what God is placing inside that hole that He is creating inside of me. Will I learn what talents I have buried inside? Will I be able to figure out talents that I don't realize are talents? Will I find an outlet that I had not grasped previously? What I do know right now is that God created me and has plans for me. I am grateful to have professionals that study personality traits, learning styles, love languages, and temperaments to help people like me learn about ourselves. Studying these has provided validation for me. I am who God created me to be. Next step? What do I do with that knowledge and validation?