Thursday, April 24, 2014

Giving it Back to God

As I try to spend this year returning everything to God, I realize that means I have to focus on Him to be sure I don't hold onto what I need to give back. I heard this song this evening and thought it was a great one to keep in mind and figured it may touch some of your hearts like it did mine. It's not about me. It's ALL about Him.


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Lesson in Learning How to Trust

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here. The last time I did, I was in a confusing place, questioning where I was at in this journey. I believed I was following the path laid out for me, but I felt lost, as things were not clear. Well, apparently I just needed to wait a bit longer for my private practice to begin moving forward. At this point, I have hit the place when I feel I have to either "fish or cut bait." I need to either be able to focus on this ministry where God has called me, or remain in the "safe place" at the agency where I have spent nearly seven years of my life. I really felt called to leave my full time job and focus on the agency God has been setting up. I have been averaging 7-9 clients a week after working a full day at the other job, both locations separated by over 30 miles. It has been a journey for certain, however I find myself incredibly excited about what God has in store for Serenity Hope Counseling.


That said, reality and practicality pop into my head in the form of (as is so frequently the case) finances. I am unable to live off of the money I am earning in the private practice, plus there is the overhead, and the fact that I will have to pay for my own health insurance. Wow. Okay. Well, God will take care of it, if He is calling me to it, right? Now enter the fact that my daughter is preparing to graduate from high school this year, resulting in the fact that her father will begin easing off of the child support. I have been amazingly fortunate in that he offered to cut down the support in chunks so I won't lose all of it at one time. He will take a portion each year over the next four years. Trust me. For this, I am SO grateful. That said, each chunk is a chunk out of our budget, while I will be losing my "guaranteed" income at my job. And now shall we add to it that our roommate has just lost her job. She is a teacher and may not be employed again until fall. She pays 1/3 of our household bills as well as her own debt. 





"Lord, are you really calling me to leave my job? Can we really afford to live on no stable income?"


We have asked our prayer warrior friends and support system to join us in prayer. I have resigned from my full time position as I feel I was instructed. Now I sit and ask God for confirmation and wonder how this will all play out. Remember that my word for 2014 was to RETURN? I felt I was told I needed to consistently return everything to God and make use of what He gave back to me. Oh. Right. Got it. Easy? Not a chance. In January, as I struggled with feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I returned my practice to God and have continued to do so. Part of returning the practice is returning my career. What about my finances? What about the future of our home and family? Yep. I must return this. 



In August, God laid this song on my heart that continued to follow me. A song that pleads for God to teach me how to trust without borders. To keep my eyes always on my Savior. This has consistently been my prayer over the past several months.





   Recently, this song has begun to speak to me as well. 












Do I believe that God is in control? Do I believe that He will return to me everything He wants for me to have? Do I believe enough that I will return everything to Him? This morning, I was reading a book by an author and speaker who I absolutely find amazing. Andy Andrews has a way of telling stories unlike anyone I have ever heard. This is a passage from his book, The Noticer Returns.


"Do you think Jones is lost?" Christy asked. 
"No," Baker said. "No, I don't."
"You are correct," came a voice from the darkness. And when they looked, Jones was less than ten feet from them. His flashlight must have been in his pocket because the old man was very close, yet they had not seen him. There were general comments from the three, but it was not a joyful welcome. They were relieved he was there, but they weren't certain if they were happy with him. 
"How long have you been here?" Sealy demanded. "How long have you been standing right here?" 
"The whole time," Jones admitted. 
"That's not true," Christy said accusingly. "You left us alone out here."        "No, I didn't," Jones replied. "I was around. I always am."  
..............
Jones waited for anyone else to speak up. When no one did, he brushed off a place on the ground, eased to one knee, and asked, "So...what are you going to do?" There was still no response. "Maybe now's the time to quit and go back the way you came. You know for sure what's behind you. It can't be any worse... On the other hand, you have no clue what lies ahead." He cocked his head and smiled mysteriously. "And it could get a lot worse. Truly, you don't know whether this thorny chaos will last five more minutes or five more hours." 
He stood up and addressed the three of them. "As I said, you were never alone. In fact, my eyes have been on you at every moment. Less than thirty minutes ago, when this particular part of your journey began, you were close enough to me that, had you asked, I would have held your hand or even carried you. "At the beginning I asked you to do one thing. As you stepped into the unknown, I issued a single, very simple instruction. That instruction, as casual and unimportant as it might have sounded to you only half an hour ago, continues even now to be the critical component that will determine your future, which begins with the success or failure of tonight's adventure." 
Jones looked carefully at the three people before him. They were damaged and dirty, exhausted and wary, but he loved them even when they ignored him or rejected his efforts to help as they had done this evening. With a patient smile the old man simply explained the path they had chosen and the immediate results that choice had produced. 
"Ignoring my instruction, your minds quite naturally drifted from the safety that wise counsel can provide. Of course, your physical actions quickly followed, and just that quickly" - Jones snapped his fingers - "you were in trouble. Darkness commands an inordinate amount of attention from a person who is unprepared and unprotected. Attention to darkness produces doubt. When a person is distracted and weakened by struggles, doubt whispers a message logically urging surrender; and soon, that person's focus is on his own discomfort, his fear and anger, regret and resentment. That is precisely what happened with you," Jones noted. "'Follow me,' I said. It was my only request. When you did not, the inevitable occurred, and you lost sight of me completely. To you, it seemed as though I were not there at all. Yet, even then, had you only stopped to call my name, I would have made my presence known, and your vision - your vision that sees even in the darkness - would have returned." 
Without a glance away from them, Jones pointed in the direction of the bay. "For I know well the plans I have made for you," he said. "These are plans to prosper you - not to allow harm to come to you - but plans to give you hope and an incredible future." Jones picked up his duffel bag. "So let's try this again, shall we? Follow me," he said and turned as if to go. Incredibly, still, the three hesitated, glancing nervously at each other.
"Where are we going?" Baker asked. "Son," Jones said with a sigh, "if we leave right now, all will be well. But if you continue to question everything I say, you will not accomplish anything. Is it not enough that you know I would not get you up in the middle of the night and bring you through all of this without some purpose?" 
Baker was in pain. His wife was bleeding. Christy was in no better shape. "Jones...I just don't understand." "Yes, I know that you don't," Jones replied, "but it's an odd thing you've been unable to grasp...See, I'm not requiring you to understand. I am simply urging you to obey. For it is only when you obey that, eventually, you begin to understand." 
Jones gestured for them to come close. When they had gathered in a tight group, the old man pointed in the direction of the wind and spoke. "The bay is there. You did not know how close you were when you quit. There is still time. There is more difficult terrain to traverse. Yes, before you are out of this wilderness, you might stumble, and you may fall. But listen to me...you make it to that bay even if you have to crawl.
"Every step you take is a step of faith. If you can't see in front of you, walk on, and just believe. Don't despair. Whisper words of prayer. And when you get there..." Jones shook his head, laughing softly. Placing his arms around them, he squeezed and finished what he was about to say. "When you get there, the miracle, I promise, will be waiting in the water." 
Andy Andrews, The Noticer Returns (p. 198-201, (c) 2013)




I am constantly in AWE of the way God knows just the right message and timing to speak to my heart. He only wants me to follow Him. He wants me to take the steps of faith without taking my eyes away from His.

One more thing that happened last night. After asking some friends to pray for our home during these current struggles and fears, one of my friends chose to add some perspective with her prayers. Earlier this month I underwent my second annual CT scan to check on the status of my abdominal area and any possible recurrence of the appendix cancer. At the same time these struggles began in earnest, I was given the word that I remain cancer free. My friend's words of reminder also caused me to recall an incident only a week prior to my check-up. My 18 year old daughter experienced a car malfunction at night that could have been a devastating accident. The bottom line was that this new driver was driving highway speed at night, alone, when her car ended up spinning out of control, stopping sideways in the fast lane with cars coming towards her. Without going into too many details, she was not hit, experienced the kindness of a stranger who stopped to check on her, and 
was ultimately able to drive away in one piece. God took His hands, guided her car safely and protected anyone from hitting her. He took care of my daughter, HIS daughter. Both of these add quite a bit of perspective to current life circumstances... as well as my take away. ACCEPT, REST, RETURN, TRUST, and OBEY. What a year 2014 looks to be.