Sunday, May 29, 2016

Living by Restoration or By the Words of Others?

You're worthless. 
You're not good enough. 
You're too long winded.
For someone as obese as you....
You're pitchy when you sing. You tend to go flat. 
You're too judgmental.
Why can't you be like everyone else?
Get back in your place. 
I can read between the lines. I know better than you what you're thinking. What you really mean is......
Don't talk so much.
You're so bossy.
You're a loser.
You're such a victim.
You're getting fat so don't eat so much.
You're so stupid.
Why can't you be as athletic as your brothers?
Why can't you get better grades?  
You have psoriatic arthritis. 
Because diabetes is in your family, you're probably going to get it no matter what you do.
 It's hard to tell that someone is bloated when they have such a big stomach (when it was really symptoms related to stage 3 appendix cancer).
You're neglecting your job as a Mom and housewife by being involved with......
You're not my sister anymore.  
I don't want to be your friend anymore.      
You're too much like a counselor.
 People your size tend to have acid reflux (when it was really a gallbladder
attack).
You need to be obedient to your husband.
You definitely married the right man (even though he was seriously abusive). 
I know he shouldn't have hit you or threatened you, but what did you do to make him mad? 
I know I shouldn't have lost my temper, but you knew I was already upset about.... 
Why did you push my buttons? 
You need to be open to getting remarried since you're still young enough to have a life with a man. 
Don't be a social worker. You won't make enough money to support yourself.

These are things that I've been told throughout the past nearly 50 years of my life. Painful words. Judgmental words. For a Words of Affirmation girl, those hit SO hard. For a pretty significant extrovert, they tell me how wrong it is to be an extrovert and that extroverts are not as good or smart as introverts. For someone who loves with every fiber of my being, these words are incredibly painful. 

Fast forward to this year, a year of restoration, and I am beginning to learn how to set firm boundaries and sort through the words I'm willing to accept as truth and those that I choose to let bounce off as untruths. My best friend and I went to the movies last night, where we saw the movie "Miracles From Heaven."  This movie reminded me that, no matter what happens in our lives, God is always in control. As we put on every piece of the "full armor of God," I remember that the first piece of armor is the belt of truth. We also are instructed to pick up the shield of faith, "with which we can extinguish every flaming arrow of the evil one." Harsh words may be slung at us, that are all too often lies meant to hurt and deceive. Hard and scary diagnoses may be given. People may choose to walk away from us if we are different from them or have different beliefs than they do. While these can be hard and painful, we are promised that, if we pick up the shield of faith, it will extinguish ALL the flaming arrows. I have begun to realize that, perhaps I have given these words too much credit and a stronger hold in my life than necessary.


People are free to have their own opinions and feelings about my life, my appearance, my voice, my work, my words, my health, and my marital status. Their beliefs or opinions of these situations are theirs, not my own, and I am not required to own them. Part of this restoration process, I am discovering, is learning how to identify the truth and adjust my lens to be more like the lens of my Father. This requires faith. This requires a desire to move past the hurt and embrace the love of God. Our pastor recently spoke about various life cycles. 
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under theheavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."                           ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
The life cycles he referenced were:
  • Courtship
  • Infancy
  • Growth 
  • Adolescence - Struggling
  • PRIME - in the ZONE
  • Stability - Not growing. Just kind of there. No pizzazz. No joy. Nothing's really happening. Not living. Just existing.
What prevents us from moving forward and doing what we need to do? 
  • Fear
  • Entitlement
  • Perfectionism  
We've got to break through these. Do it scared. Do whatever you need to do to become the person God created you to be. Don't accept stability. That's not what God has in store for you.                                                                              
                                                                                           ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong

I think this is my time to restore. Restore myself as the person God created me to be. To not only figure out how to see myself through God's lens, but to also discern the harsh words spoken to me from the words of truth God would have me hear and accept.


Am I overweight according to the BMI chart? Yes. Could I use more exercise? Absolutely. Can I eat healthier? Yep. Does that mean my value is less because of this? Absolutely NOT.

Do I carry a perfect tune every time I sing? No. Does everyone? Probably not. Does that discount the words from others who tell me that I have a "beautiful voice"? It probably shouldn't. (Obviously still a difficult one for me to work with.)
Am I a cancer survivor? Yes. Do I live in fear that the cancer will return? No. But I am very aware of my body and, honestly, I do experience some anxiety when I consider the possibility that I could hear the news of a recurrence some day.  
Was I an honor roll student in high school? No. I did, however make the Dean's List and was part of the Phi Alpha Honor Society while in university. Then graduated with my Master's degree with a 3.97 GPA. Do either of these mean I'm really smart or lack intelligence? No. It just means that I did better in some classes than others.   
Because I experienced domestic violence, does that mean I am a victim? No. Did I cause him to be angry or cause the abuse? Not at all. It means that my ex-husband was unable to control his temper and used power and control to achieve his needs in our marriage.
If friends or family find it difficult to accept the part of me that is a helper and a counselor and choose to have limited relationships with me does that mean I need to change fields? Should I change my personality in order to please them? No. It means that these friends or family have their own struggles and find it difficult to interact with me on a close and personal level. I can still love them dearly and hope and pray that they change their mind at some point and time. I still miss them and still love them unconditionally. 
 If others struggle with what I do for a living, should I reconsider this field? No way. This is the world that I feel God has called me to. I have a successful business and am finding that my professional world is expanding and growing far beyond what I could ever ask or imagine. 

This part of my journey to restoration appears to be a place in which I am as an adolescent, struggling to figure out who and where I am. I'm not nearly in a level of stability and certainly not in a PRIME level. I can choose to continue trying to please others or live in the level of pain, or I can choose to follow the path that God is calling me to be on. A path that includes attempting to see myself through my Father's eyes, restoring the me that God sent me to this world to be. I can choose to find joy and gratitude in this path, in both good times and hard times. I can buckle up with the belt of truth everyday, put on the breastplate of righteousness, have my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. I can hold onto the shield of faith and take hold of the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit - which is the Word of God. I believe this is the best way to achieve the restoration God is trying to give to me. 


  • TRUTH
  • RIGHTEOUSNESS
  • PEACE
  • FAITH
  • SALVATION
  • WORD OF GOD

If I hold to Christ's teaching, I am really His disciple. Then I will know the truth and the truth will set me free. ~ Ephesians 8:31-32

Based on the things I've been told in my life, I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. I graduated from high school with a 2.97 GPA and ended my freshman year of college with a 2.63 GPA, then quit school to get married. I should never have been able to return to school 20 years later and earn two college degrees, with good grades, as a single mother. I earned my BA in 2007 and my Master's degree in 2008. Fast forward 8 years later, and I now have a successful private practice that is thriving. God is doing incredible things with my career.

While my 17 year marriage involved domestic violence, the police were never called (which is not always a good thing, for the record. I could have really been harmed at times.) and my ex-husband and myself were able to remain friends and continued to co-parent our children. Not many marriages are able to end that way. 
Children of divorced homes often struggle in their adult lives. Both of my children are now in community colleges moving forward with their education. 

My gallbladder issue that I mentioned before? It "should" have burst, which likely would have killed me. It didn't. The appendix cancer that was found at stage 3? It is way too often a terminal illness, though not always. My recovery was quick and I remain cancer-free to my knowledge. 


I share these things with you to point out that harsh words are not always truth. When I reflect on the negative words spoken into my life, I "should not" have the life I do. Freedom from all of these negative and hurtful words sounds wonderful to me. Now to learn to identify the truth in the words of others (and my own self-talk) from the words of God. Definitely restorative as God does the work HE wants done in me
.





all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis