Thursday, March 31, 2016

Let the Restoration Begin


As typical for my life after God gives me my word for the year, this year has had me running, becoming more and more curious about the next months of 2016. If you have read my blog for very long, you are aware of at least two things. I am a clinical social worker and I have struggled for most of my life with my self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. God has been working on and with me for several years, teaching me to accept myself and my life's journey. 

I have always been passionate about people who are considered "less than." Those people who suffer in silence, who are abused/neglected, who feel they are unable to start a journey towards healing and wholeness. I was provided with an opportunity last Fall to attend a conference in Southern California that focused on Mental Health and the Church. The primary goal for this conference was to bring awareness to the stigma of mental illness. Entirely too many people suffer in silence and that saddens me. Christians currently have a reputation in so many realms of being judgmental and hateful to those who are different from ourselves. One of the reasons for this is, in my opinion, due to closed mindedness to anything that we do not understand or due to beliefs that are different from our own. Competition as to who is right springs up quickly and causes so much pain. Need I even come close to our current election year antics and horrors? Enough said about that....

Myself, being raised in a controlling and authoritarian home, marrying into an abusive marriage, becoming a divorcee, then followed by becoming a "returning adult student" to receive my Social Work degrees left me to have a great deal of understanding for these "differences" between people. I was always different than others around me. I had a few close friends throughout school, but was never really considered part of the "in" crowd (Fortunately, as years passed by, we all matured and became less invested in the popularity once felt so important. Thanks to social media, I have had the joy of reconnecting with many of my classmates, which has been a joy to my adult life.)....but I digress.... 


As a private practice clinician, I have the privilege of being able to intertwine my faith into my therapeutic orientation or type of therapy I use, as I believe a person's spiritual life is another part of their "system" (emotional life, physical life, sexual life, etc). Most of my current caseload are folks who have come to me in part because I do provide faith-based counseling. A few months ago, I was working with a young lady who has found herself trying to escape an abusive marriage and is jumping through the court system as they determine appropriate parenting for her young child. In one of our sessions, I felt a tug to read Ephesians 6:10-18 (putting on the full Armor of God) to her, which I did. Several months later (a much longer story of which I won't bore you), this passage found itself taped outside of my shower. One morning, in my shower, as I was praying this Scripture, the word "RESTORE" came to my mind as I read that we are to "stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist." Pondering my harsh experiences and my own feelings of being "less than," I realized that God desires to restore in me HIS truth, not the truth of others. As long as I hold onto the truth of others, I am not buckling THE belt of truth around my waist.

I began to think about the hurtful experiences in my life and wondered why they hurt so
much. I began to understand that God created me to experience love the most via affirming words and quality time. When people speak hurtful or harsh words to me, it's like a sword in my heart. When people avoid spending time with me or communicating with me, I feel neglected and unloved. When I graduated from college and then graduate school, I felt a sense of accomplishment unlike what I have experienced before. When I recalled this feeling, I remembered the pain I felt from a family member and then from a friend I love as a family member when they each refused to discuss a conflict in person because I am a counselor. The words spoken to me during both occasions were so incredibly hurtful to me, as I felt attacked as a person as well as feeling it undermined my sense of accomplishments. I have applied the words of other people to my view of self in relationship to my appearance, my clothing style, hairstyle, my weight, my parenting....shoot.... basically all of me. I have never really known how to see my strengths. Lest this appear to be a victim-fest, please allow me to clarify. When I see myself in a mirror, in photos, on video, I provide judgement to myself, not affirmations. It is not only my friends, family, or others who speak harsh words to me. I am guilty as well, probably even more guilty. I most often will hold tightly to the words of criticism, rather than words of affirmation, and apply them to the lens through which I look. What God revealed to me is that this is not the truth He wants buckled around my waist.

One of my dearest friends throughout most of my life, since adolescence, uncovered part of the reason I was so hurt when she informed me recently that my personality has always been that of a counselor/helper. "When I ever needed to talk to someone about actual issues, big situations, I would always come to you. You were always the one we all went to for your wisdom and ability to counsel us." She went on to say that my college degrees simply made it more official and gave me the professional training that went hand in hand with my personality. The light bulb turned on when I put this with my recent shower experience. God created me to be a social worker. He created me to counsel and be a helper. When these words from people so dear to me were spoken, they hurt me to the very core of my being, because that invalidated who I am as a person. Who God created me to be. As well as speaking hurtful words, they both also basically removed themselves from my life. Both love languages were slayed and damage was done that continues to hurt today. 


What I realized in that shower conversation with God was that He created me to be the person I am and He has chosen this year to be a year of restoration for me. To restore me to be the person He created, offer healing from the pain I have experienced, and help me to recognize the truth instead of embrace the lies that have been showered over me much of my life. 


"If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." ~ John 8:31b-32











My job is to learn to hold to God's teaching, embrace His words rather than the words of others and to cherish my time with Him instead of grieve my time with others. When I change this focus, my heart will be restored and I will be able to view through God's lenses, not my own. I wonder what that will look like. I have to also say that, being human and loving those people I spoke of and missing these relationships that I hold so dearly, I wonder often if any part of these will be restored as well. I guess only time will tell.







all contents (c 2016) Laura Inglis