Saturday, June 7, 2014

PEACEFUL PROGRESS

This evening, my best friend and I decided to head off to the movies. We don't do that very often. Both of us are normally pretty worn out from slam packed days. I have been working regularly at my private practice that keeps growing ever so steadily and continuing to work my last remaining days at the community mental health agency. She has been applying for jobs, piecing together slight income from small part time jobs and beginning her own private tutoring business. Our household has also undergone a fairly dramatic lifestyle change that is helping each of us to feel better, drop some unwanted pounds, and attempt to take much improved care of our bodies. Fortunately my bestie has been home more often and has been willing to do most of the cooking and food preparation for our home so all three of us are able to persevere through this change. My daughter and I are so totally blessed that we have such an amazing roomie.

So I digress. As we were leaving the theater (yes, we splurged at the snack bar in the theater, but one is allowed that once in a while, right?), I felt an overwhelming since of peace come over me. I began thinking about my life and where I am sitting right now. I remembered the words God said to me at the beginning of this year. He said that we were done trudging through the tunnel we had been in for such an incredibly long time and were about to see the fruits of our labor. We were heading for the light at the end of the tunnel. Funny. I had been too busy struggling and surviving for such a long time that I had not even noticed that I was trudging through life until He used those words to me. Then I realized that was right. I had been trudging and that is why I had been so weary and worn. I have been struggling to learn how to accept, to rest, and now return. 

Career changes have been a HUGE part of my recent journey. After I gave notice at my full time job, I agreed to work part-time until they found my replacement. This gave me more time to continue building my practice, yet did not leave my team in a lurch. After a couple of weeks, I felt I needed to give my final notice, which I did. During the same week I felt I needed to give notice, another opportunity fell in my lap. I had been attempting for several years to find a job as a hospital ER social worker, though was continually denied due to lack of medical experience. I finally stopped looking, as I figured this was not meant to be. To make a long story short, a friend/colleague encouraged me to apply for an available ER job. This job would go hand in hand with my private practice and would provide me stable income, benefits, access to numerous resources in the same county where my private practice is at, and remain current in the social work field. I had not been looking at all for this, yet applied and was offered the job immediately after my interview. An on the spot job offer has only happened one other time in my life 23 years ago. Amazing.

The job offer, as exciting as it was, was not the most amazing part of this process for me. I have always (yes always) been a person who has lacked the self confidence to speak about my strengths with confidence. Sell myself in an interview? Gulp. Okay. I can try. This time? Well, I had given the decision to God. Completely. If I was hired, fine. If I wasn't hired? That's okay, too. The interview was not stressful. I was able to answer the questions about my skill set, experience, strengths, goals, etc with confidence. I had returned the interview results over to God. 100%. And, of course, He did not fail. He gave me exactly what I needed, including the peace about His decision, no matter what that was.

My daughter is graduating from high school next weekend. My second child. My baby. My only daughter. My son graduated five years ago and that was incredible. This is my last one. She made it through and I am done parenting. I will always be their mom. Always. I will always be there for them to offer advice when requested, guidance, support, love, etc. BUT I am no longer responsible for their decisions. It is now time for me to be responsible for myself. Just me. What an odd thought. All of my adult life, I have been responsible for my (ex) husband or my children. For the first time since I was 18 years old, I am responsible only for myself. I also realized that I am so tired of trying to live up to the expectations of other people in my life. I want to live the way I believe God is telling me to live. 

One of the other things that came with the wave of peace was the realization that I am happy with my life. Financially strapped with the job changes? Sure. Nervous about starting the new job? Absolutely. Sad to be leaving my friends, colleagues, and clients who I have worked with for so long? For sure. However, I am learning to actually like myself. I like that I can choose for myself what I want for my life, where I want to go, who I want to be with, etc. As I was realizing all of this, the words from God came back to me. I am not trudging anymore. I CAN see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then a passage of Scripture came to me.

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." ~ Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)
A peace that passes all understanding. WOW!! What an indescribable feeling. All of the work God has done in my life is finally getting through this thick skull of mine. I am pretty excited to see what He has in store next. A dear friend mentioned to me the other night that my faith would not be as strong as it is right now without my cancer history. You know what? He's partially right. It took more than just the cancer to build my faith. It took the many years of trudging to get through the tunnel I have been in for so many years. Was it worth it for the peace that I have right now? For me? You betcha.



What about you? Is trudging worth it for you to reach the peaceful place? Are you willing to plug through, knowing this is what's on the other side? I sure hope so. It is an AWESOME place to be. I would like to think that I am that much closer to being able to sit at my Father's feet, or even in His lap. Maybe that's the next step.