Pondering My Year of Returning

So......it is now the end of 2014 and, as seems to be the theme for this time of year, I have been reflecting on the past year. The word God gave me for 2014 was RETURN. I have spent much of the year, focusing on returning everything back to God. My attempt was to give everything back to Him and only accept what God gave back to me. It may sound like an odd venture, but focusing on that has certainly helped keep my attitude in a different place.

It has been more than six months since I last blogged. This is because my life has been incredibly busy. As I write this particular post I am in Hood River, Oregon on a much needed vacation. When I last posted in this blog, I had just given my final notice at a job that I loved, where I was working with people who had become great friends, and was hired by a local hospital emergency room. Since June, I have been working night shifts each week, building my private practice, singing in the church choir, and learning how to be a mom to two young adults. It is such a new experience for me to have adult children. I'm still processing that change so will likely discuss that in a later post. As for now, I believe I have begun to understand why God gave me the word "RETURN" to work on for 2014.

Stepping out of my comfort zone in my professional world has been quite the challenge. I am learning how to adapt to working in a medical field, which has been a good experience for me. My private practice continues to grow in ways that amaze me and I have been given the honor to work with people who allow me into their lives, work with their children, and in their marriages. I constantly have to remember to return my career to God so I stay in line with His goal for this world where He has called me to go.

As far as my personal life, learning to return every aspect has begun to become a coping mechanism. Returning my finances, my relationships, and my health to God helps me stay more focused on God's will for my life than my frequently poor judgment. Trusting that God has a plan when finances are tight, that health concerns are controlled only by God, and that the relationship to keep focused on is my relationship with God are all definitely goals to keep in mind. Previously, when I would feel hurt in my relationships with family or friends, I would translate that into my own self worth. In returning these situations to God, I am learning to not allow other people to have that much power in my life. My self-worth is more appropriately evaluated through God's lens, not the lens of others. Boundary setting at it's best. 

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart."                                                                                                                                        ~ Jeremiah 24:7

An interesting side note as also occurred in focusing on returning everything to God. I have found myself becoming more focused on gratitude. In the midst of returning people, situations, and decisions to God I realize that I feel thankful for God's GPS system and the circumstances He allows. Pretty productive year, I do believe. I sure wonder what 2015 will hold as I consider my "JOURNEY."

"Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us as the winter rains, like the spring rains that waters the earth." ~ Hosea 6:3

                                                                                            all contents (c) 2014 Laura Inglis

PEACEFUL PROGRESS

This evening, my best friend and I decided to head off to the movies. We don't do that very often. Both of us are normally pretty worn out from slam packed days. I have been working regularly at my private practice that keeps growing ever so steadily and continuing to work my last remaining days at the community mental health agency. She has been applying for jobs, piecing together slight income from small part time jobs and beginning her own private tutoring business. Our household has also undergone a fairly dramatic lifestyle change that is helping each of us to feel better, drop some unwanted pounds, and attempt to take much improved care of our bodies. Fortunately my bestie has been home more often and has been willing to do most of the cooking and food preparation for our home so all three of us are able to persevere through this change. My daughter and I are so totally blessed that we have such an amazing roomie.

So I digress. As we were leaving the theater (yes, we splurged at the snack bar in the theater, but one is allowed that once in a while, right?), I felt an overwhelming since of peace come over me. I began thinking about my life and where I am sitting right now. I remembered the words God said to me at the beginning of this year. He said that we were done trudging through the tunnel we had been in for such an incredibly long time and were about to see the fruits of our labor. We were heading for the light at the end of the tunnel. Funny. I had been too busy struggling and surviving for such a long time that I had not even noticed that I was trudging through life until He used those words to me. Then I realized that was right. I had been trudging and that is why I had been so weary and worn. I have been struggling to learn how to accept, to rest, and now return. 

Career changes have been a HUGE part of my recent journey. After I gave notice at my full time job, I agreed to work part-time until they found my replacement. This gave me more time to continue building my practice, yet did not leave my team in a lurch. After a couple of weeks, I felt I needed to give my final notice, which I did. During the same week I felt I needed to give notice, another opportunity fell in my lap. I had been attempting for several years to find a job as a hospital ER social worker, though was continually denied due to lack of medical experience. I finally stopped looking, as I figured this was not meant to be. To make a long story short, a friend/colleague encouraged me to apply for an available ER job. This job would go hand in hand with my private practice and would provide me stable income, benefits, access to numerous resources in the same county where my private practice is at, and remain current in the social work field. I had not been looking at all for this, yet applied and was offered the job immediately after my interview. An on the spot job offer has only happened one other time in my life 23 years ago. Amazing.

The job offer, as exciting as it was, was not the most amazing part of this process for me. I have always (yes always) been a person who has lacked the self confidence to speak about my strengths with confidence. Sell myself in an interview? Gulp. Okay. I can try. This time? Well, I had given the decision to God. Completely. If I was hired, fine. If I wasn't hired? That's okay, too. The interview was not stressful. I was able to answer the questions about my skill set, experience, strengths, goals, etc with confidence. I had returned the interview results over to God. 100%. And, of course, He did not fail. He gave me exactly what I needed, including the peace about His decision, no matter what that was.

My daughter is graduating from high school next weekend. My second child. My baby. My only daughter. My son graduated five years ago and that was incredible. This is my last one. She made it through and I am done parenting. I will always be their mom. Always. I will always be there for them to offer advice when requested, guidance, support, love, etc. BUT I am no longer responsible for their decisions. It is now time for me to be responsible for myself. Just me. What an odd thought. All of my adult life, I have been responsible for my (ex) husband or my children. For the first time since I was 18 years old, I am responsible only for myself. I also realized that I am so tired of trying to live up to the expectations of other people in my life. I want to live the way I believe God is telling me to live. 

One of the other things that came with the wave of peace was the realization that I am happy with my life. Financially strapped with the job changes? Sure. Nervous about starting the new job? Absolutely. Sad to be leaving my friends, colleagues, and clients who I have worked with for so long? For sure. However, I am learning to actually like myself. I like that I can choose for myself what I want for my life, where I want to go, who I want to be with, etc. As I was realizing all of this, the words from God came back to me. I am not trudging anymore. I CAN see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then a passage of Scripture came to me.

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." ~ Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)

A peace that passes all understanding. WOW!! What an indescribable feeling. All of the work God has done in my life is finally getting through this thick skull of mine. I am pretty excited to see what He has in store next. A dear friend mentioned to me the other night that my faith would not be as strong as it is right now without my cancer history. You know what? He's partially right. It took more than just the cancer to build my faith. It took the many years of trudging to get through the tunnel I have been in for so many years. Was it worth it for the peace that I have right now? For me? You betcha.

What about you? Is trudging worth it for you to reach the peaceful place? Are you willing to plug through, knowing this is what's on the other side? I sure hope so. It is an AWESOME place to be. I would like to think that I am that much closer to being able to sit at my Father's feet, or even in His lap. Maybe that's the next step.

Giving it Back to God

As I try to spend this year returning everything to God, I realize that means I have to focus on Him to be sure I don't hold onto what I need to give back. I heard this song this evening and thought it was a great one to keep in mind and figured it may touch some of your hearts like it did mine. It's not about me. It's ALL about Him.

Lesson in Learning How to Trust

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here. The last time I did, I was in a confusing place, questioning where I was at in this journey. I believed I was following the path laid out for me, but I felt lost, as things were not clear. Well, apparently I just needed to wait a bit longer for my private practice to begin moving forward. At this point, I have hit the place when I feel I have to either "fish or cut bait." I need to either be able to focus on this ministry where God has called me, or remain in the "safe place" at the agency where I have spent nearly seven years of my life. I really felt called to leave my full time job and focus on the agency God has been setting up. I have been averaging 7-9 clients a week after working a full day at the other job, both locations separated by over 30 miles. It has been a journey for certain, however I find myself incredibly excited about what God has in store for Serenity Hope Counseling.


That said, reality and practicality pop into my head in the form of (as is so frequently the case) finances. I am unable to live off of the money I am earning in the private practice, plus there is the overhead, and the fact that I will have to pay for my own health insurance. Wow. Okay. Well, God will take care of it, if He is calling me to it, right? Now enter the fact that my daughter is preparing to graduate from high school this year, resulting in the fact that her father will begin easing off of the child support. I have been amazingly fortunate in that he offered to cut down the support in chunks so I won't lose all of it at one time. He will take a portion each year over the next four years. Trust me. For this, I am SO grateful. That said, each chunk is a chunk out of our budget, while I will be losing my "guaranteed" income at my job. And now shall we add to it that our roommate has just lost her job. She is a teacher and may not be employed again until fall. She pays 1/3 of our household bills as well as her own debt. 

"Lord, are you really calling me to leave my job? Can we really afford to live on no stable income?"

We have asked our prayer warrior friends and support system to join us in prayer. I have resigned from my full time position as I feel I was instructed. Now I sit and ask God for confirmation and wonder how this will all play out. Remember that my word for 2014 was to RETURN? I felt I was told I needed to consistently return everything to God and make use of what He gave back to me. Oh. Right. Got it. Easy? Not a chance. In January, as I struggled with feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I returned my practice to God and have continued to do so. Part of returning the practice is returning my career. What about my finances? What about the future of our home and family? Yep. I must return this. 

In August, God laid this song on my heart that continued to follow me. A song that pleads for God to teach me how to trust without borders. To keep my eyes always on my Savior. This has consistently been my prayer over the past several months.

   Recently, this song has begun to speak to me as well. 

Do I believe that God is in control? Do I believe that He will return to me everything He wants for me to have? Do I believe enough that I will return everything to Him? This morning, I was reading a book by an author and speaker who I absolutely find amazing. Andy Andrews has a way of telling stories unlike anyone I have ever heard. This is a passage from his book, The Noticer Returns.

"Do you think Jones is lost?" Christy asked. 

"No," Baker said. "No, I don't."

"You are correct," came a voice from the darkness. And when they looked, Jones was less than ten feet from them. His flashlight must have been in his pocket because the old man was very close, yet they had not seen him. There were general comments from the three, but it was not a joyful welcome. They were relieved he was there, but they weren't certain if they were happy with him. 

"How long have you been here?" Sealy demanded. "How long have you been standing right here?" 

"The whole time," Jones admitted. 

"That's not true," Christy said accusingly. "You left us alone out here."        "No, I didn't," Jones replied. "I was around. I always am."  

..............

Jones waited for anyone else to speak up. When no one did, he brushed off a place on the ground, eased to one knee, and asked, "So...what are you going to do?" There was still no response. "Maybe now's the time to quit and go back the way you came. You know for sure what's behind you. It can't be any worse... On the other hand, you have no clue what lies ahead." He cocked his head and smiled mysteriously. "And it could get a lot worse. Truly, you don't know whether this thorny chaos will last five more minutes or five more hours." 

He stood up and addressed the three of them. "As I said, you were never alone. In fact, my eyes have been on you at every moment. Less than thirty minutes ago, when this particular part of your journey began, you were close enough to me that, had you asked, I would have held your hand or even carried you. "At the beginning I asked you to do one thing. As you stepped into the unknown, I issued a single, very simple instruction. That instruction, as casual and unimportant as it might have sounded to you only half an hour ago, continues even now to be the critical component that will determine your future, which begins with the success or failure of tonight's adventure." 

Jones looked carefully at the three people before him. They were damaged and dirty, exhausted and wary, but he loved them even when they ignored him or rejected his efforts to help as they had done this evening. With a patient smile the old man simply explained the path they had chosen and the immediate results that choice had produced. 

"Ignoring my instruction, your minds quite naturally drifted from the safety that wise counsel can provide. Of course, your physical actions quickly followed, and just that quickly" - Jones snapped his fingers - "you were in trouble. Darkness commands an inordinate amount of attention from a person who is unprepared and unprotected. Attention to darkness produces doubt. When a person is distracted and weakened by struggles, doubt whispers a message logically urging surrender; and soon, that person's focus is on his own discomfort, his fear and anger, regret and resentment. That is precisely what happened with you," Jones noted. "'Follow me,' I said. It was my only request. When you did not, the inevitable occurred, and you lost sight of me completely. To you, it seemed as though I were not there at all. Yet, even then, had you only stopped to call my name, I would have made my presence known, and your vision - your vision that sees even in the darkness - would have returned." 

Without a glance away from them, Jones pointed in the direction of the bay. "For I know well the plans I have made for you," he said. "These are plans to prosper you - not to allow harm to come to you - but plans to give you hope and an incredible future." Jones picked up his duffel bag. "So let's try this again, shall we? Follow me," he said and turned as if to go. Incredibly, still, the three hesitated, glancing nervously at each other.

"Where are we going?" Baker asked. "Son," Jones said with a sigh, "if we leave right now, all will be well. But if you continue to question everything I say, you will not accomplish anything. Is it not enough that you know I would not get you up in the middle of the night and bring you through all of this without some purpose?" 

Baker was in pain. His wife was bleeding. Christy was in no better shape. "Jones...I just don't understand." "Yes, I know that you don't," Jones replied, "but it's an odd thing you've been unable to grasp...See, I'm not requiring you to understand. I am simply urging you to obey. For it is only when you obey that, eventually, you begin to understand." 

Jones gestured for them to come close. When they had gathered in a tight group, the old man pointed in the direction of the wind and spoke. "The bay is there. You did not know how close you were when you quit. There is still time. There is more difficult terrain to traverse. Yes, before you are out of this wilderness, you might stumble, and you may fall. But listen to me...you make it to that bay even if you have to crawl.

"Every step you take is a step of faith. If you can't see in front of you, walk on, and just believe. Don't despair. Whisper words of prayer. And when you get there..." Jones shook his head, laughing softly. Placing his arms around them, he squeezed and finished what he was about to say. "When you get there, the miracle, I promise, will be waiting in the water." 

~ Andy Andrews, The Noticer Returns (p. 198-201, (c) 2013)




I am constantly in AWE of the way God knows just the right message and timing to speak to my heart. He only wants me to follow Him. He wants me to take the steps of faith without taking my eyes away from His.

One more thing that happened last night. After asking some friends to pray for our home during these current struggles and fears, one of my friends chose to add some perspective with her prayers. Earlier this month I underwent my second annual CT scan to check on the status of my abdominal area and any possible recurrence of the appendix cancer. At the same time these struggles began in earnest, I was given the word that I remain cancer free. My friend's words of reminder also caused me to recall an incident only a week prior to my check-up. My 18 year old daughter experienced a car malfunction at night that could have been a devastating accident. The bottom line was that this new driver was driving highway speed at night, alone, when her car ended up spinning out of control, stopping sideways in the fast lane with cars coming towards her. Without going into too many details, she was not hit, experienced the kindness of a stranger who stopped to check on her, and was ultimately able to drive away in one piece. God took His hands, guided her car safely and protected anyone from hitting her. He took care of my daughter, HIS daughter. Both of these add quite a bit of perspective to current life circumstances... as well as my take away. ACCEPT, REST, RETURN, TRUST, and OBEY. What a year 2014 looks to be.

How do we know.....?

Have you ever followed a path that you felt led to follow, only to find yourself feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? Does everyone who joins Dorothy and her friends on the yellow brick road find themselves chatting with the wizard in the Emerald City? Does everyone who chats with the wizard make their way home by clicking their heels together?

When I went to college to earn my degree, I was told by many people in the Deaf community that there is no one in this particular county who provided counseling in their language. I felt drawn to this community and my heart ached to see so many deaf people unable to receive counseling in sign language. Deaf people and sign language interpreters alike encouraged me through my studies, with a goal of earning my degree and becoming a trained therapist so I would be able to meet this need.

I have always had a passion for people who were abused. I felt a connection with women and children who experienced domestic violence. When I was fresh out of high school, a freshman in the local state college, my goal was to work with abused and neglected children. As life moved on, I became a married woman and raised children of my own, I learned to relate to parents as well as their children. Why would someone hit their child? Sometimes power and control is a survival technique. Sometimes life becomes so stressful and chaotic, that the harm is accidental. There are many reasons for the violence, believe it or not. I don't believe that a parent, husband, wife, or child wakes up one morning and decides to become an abuser. I believe there are other reasons yet to be discovered. I want to work with those who are trying to heal from these experiences. 

As I began my career in community mental health, I found that my passion is not only for the Deaf community and for domestic violence survivors. I am also drawn to people who are hurting, considering suicide, depressed or anxious. Oddly enough, I heard from friends who have known me since childhood that they have never been surprised that I became a therapist, much less a crisis specialist. They told me that I have always been the person in our community who people were drawn to when they needed someone to talk to. Imagine my surprise. I never knew that.

After working in community mental health for several years, earning my license, and, as one of our directors informed me, built a solid foundation for my career, I felt it was time for me to move on. I applied for many jobs in the county in which I had so long felt I was supposed to establish myself. I was interviewed for several jobs, though was not offered any of them. 

Within the past year, the idea of setting up my own private practice was suggested by a friend and colleague of mine. The year involved working with my family and friends to come up with a name, finding an office space, and doing the rest of the things required to establish a business. Much time, money, energy, and prayers have been spent setting this up. I have been so incredibly excited to finally meet the need that had so long been discussed. The perfect office space was rented, furniture purchased and arranged, business license and malpractice insurance received, website created, and business cards passed out. 

One would think that the next stop on the journey would be the phone calls from all of these clients who I was told were in need of my services. Right? That's what I thought, too. This is my third month with the office space. My third month with a business license. My third month with no clients asking for my services. I have found myself on the yellow brick road. There are people around me giving me ideas (directions, if you will). I follow these directions, to find myself no closer to my destination. Imagine everywhere you look, you see a maze of yellow bricks, with no idea which direction to go. 

The one thing I can still see is my current job. The place where they have all been sad to know I may be leaving. The place where they were such an amazing support to me during my health crisis a couple of years ago. Am I supposed to stay there? What were all of these dead end job applications, job interviews, and failed attempts to set up this practice leading me to? How do we know which direction to follow? At this point I have signed a one year lease with no way to get out of it. A phone contract for two years that would be quite expensive to cancel. Maybe this is one of those areas where God is teaching me to assure that I return this to Him. Maybe I need to take all ten fingers off and let God do what He wants to do, guide me where He wants me to go. 

"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God..... Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." ~ Psalm 25:1-6

What does 2014 hold for me?

2014 will be the third year that I have participated in OneWord365. In the first year, my word was ACCEPT and I went on a journey learning to accept myself, my health, and support from others, among other things. Last year, my word was REST and I began learning to move forward in my life, leaning on God, resting on my faith in His Word. Sometimes we have to make decisions based only on our knowledge that we are doing the right thing, even when we are unable to see around the corner. As I have traveled the journey of accepting and resting, I find myself needing to learn how to RETURN.

In researching the word “return,” I found a few definitions that were interesting:

 “To go or come back, as to a former place, position, or state; to revert to a former owner; to revert or recur, as in thought or discourse, to make a reply or retort; to put, bring, take, give, or send back to the original or proper place, position, etc; to send or give back in reciprocation, recompense, or requital”

When I first felt that “return” was supposed to be my word, I wondered what in the world that meant. After pondering it and researching a bit, all of a sudden it made sense after the years I have had trying to focus on accepting and resting.  I don’t know about you, but I struggle with making decisions and going about life changes. As things become quite complicated, I find myself often fighting an inward battle. I try to figure out which direction I am supposed to go, what changes I am called to make, what am I to embrace and what am I to let go of. How do I distinguish the difference between embracing my thoughts and desires from God’s instructions and plans for my life?

I have often heard the phrase “give it (struggles, prayer requests, etc) up to God and take all ten fingers off.” The point is stop trying to take control over something that we are asking God to take care of. I have difficulty trying to determine what is letting go of control and what is walking away, becoming passive.

Some of my struggles right now involve my private practice that is taking much longer than I believed it would, causing me to question if my decision to go out on my own was my desire or God’s instruction. Did I do what I was called to do? I thought I was instructed to place music back in my life, however I seem to have hit a dead end. Was I coerced into that decision because I really did want it back or was God really asking me to step back out in faith? How about my health? Is the cancer really gone or will it pop back up again? There are so many other places in my life where I question if I am “hearing” God correctly. 

How do I know which direction to go?

         “Pray that the Lord Your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do.” 

                                                                                                                         ~ Jeremiah 42:3

From my current understanding on the first day of this New Year, it appears that I will be learning how to return these thoughts and ideas to God. If they are truly from Him, He owns them. He will once again give to me what He wants me to have. I don’t know what this will look like, though I am interested in knowing what my reports will look like throughout the year.

      “But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.”                                                                                                                                     ~ Micah 7:7