3 months post surgery - Where am I now?
It's been a while since I posted on here. Life has been absolutely crazy since the last time. I was able to return to work on June 6th, working half days to re-build my energy and then, after 6 days of that, I went back full time. As much as I hated to admit it, working half time was probably a better option, as I became tired pretty quickly. Now, after about a month of full time work, I think I can honestly say that I'm functioning pretty close to normal. I'm so incredibly grateful that God blessed me with such wonderful physicians, such an amazing support system, and granted researchers with the ability to discover the treatments and surgeries I have gone through.
Balancing work, home, and health has required a great deal more energy than I imagined it would. During my recovery, my best friend and I were able to take a short amount of time and make an appearance at a Relay for Life. Walking part of the relay with the other cancer survivors felt slightly awkward, I must admit. While I understand that I was diagnosed with cancer and underwent intraperitoneal chemo, rather than IV chemo or radiation, I just struggle with the idea that cancer is cancer is cancer. I can't help but feel that I have been very fortunate. The side effects I have experienced have been much shorter and less severe than others have had to endure. My heart goes out to those folks and I wonder how I dare compare what I have been through with their very difficult journeys. My best friend and I have had several conversations regarding this topic, however I'm still struggling with it. Maybe a light bulb will turn on at some point. I think for now, I will just continue to focus on God's graciousness in providing a quick recovery and the possibility of complete healing. I guess that's really the bottom line anyway, isn't it?
In addition to pondering the whole cancer thing, I've also spent some time continuing to ponder the empty space I have discovered. Recently I have been able to gradually add activities to my work schedule, in the hopes of living a full life soon. I was able to join our church choir for a weekend full of performances the weekend before Independence Day. Performing at my church consists of participating in a worship rehearsal and singing for 5 services throughout the weekend. That was tiring, but a lot of fun. I do so enjoy singing. Worshiping God through music is probably one of my favorite things to do. Then add to my personal enjoyment, the thought that we have the opportunity to lead others into the same privilege of approaching God's throne to sing to Him.....WOW.....Words are unable to describe the feeling and honor.
I have to say that singing in the choir has helped that hole not feel quite so spacious. I was recently asked what I would like to do with my music. I was at a loss for words, honestly. My ultimate response was that I would love to be able to lead others in their worship, draw them closer to God by the music, the lyrics, or whatever else the Holy Spirit chooses to use. To be used by God in that manner would be absolutely amazing. Is God calling me into this area to be used that way? I really don't know. I would love to think yes, but honestly I'm afraid to think yes. I think I continue to feel I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. During my surgery, the surgeons scraped my diaphragm, resulting in a lack of sustaining power and an ability to hit notes I can normally hit. Someone has recently offered to help me get that back into shape. He has offered to work with me on a near weekly basis to see what my voice can do. I accepted his offer, but I am pretty nervous. What will happen if it is discovered that I was right? That I'm not as good as I would like to be? It seems that recently God has repeatedly brought to my attention what my family/friends lovingly refer to as "my verse."
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
Yes, Lord, I understand. My job is to continue going where You call me to go. It is not to question. It is to trust. I trusted You 100% with the cancer and my surgeries. Why is it so difficult to trust with this? What an interesting thought. Maybe it's because I knew that the cancer and surgeries were out of my control, but I'm afraid I will mess this one up. Maybe I'm afraid of embracing music as a talent, in case I'm wrong. "For I know the plans I have for you...." Yes Father. You know the plans. That's all that really matters, isn't it? For if You know, I don't need to know. I simply need to accept YOUR plan and trust You. Thank You. Thank You for healing me. Thank You for reminding me. Thank You for using me for Your plans. I love You my God.
Balancing work, home, and health has required a great deal more energy than I imagined it would. During my recovery, my best friend and I were able to take a short amount of time and make an appearance at a Relay for Life. Walking part of the relay with the other cancer survivors felt slightly awkward, I must admit. While I understand that I was diagnosed with cancer and underwent intraperitoneal chemo, rather than IV chemo or radiation, I just struggle with the idea that cancer is cancer is cancer. I can't help but feel that I have been very fortunate. The side effects I have experienced have been much shorter and less severe than others have had to endure. My heart goes out to those folks and I wonder how I dare compare what I have been through with their very difficult journeys. My best friend and I have had several conversations regarding this topic, however I'm still struggling with it. Maybe a light bulb will turn on at some point. I think for now, I will just continue to focus on God's graciousness in providing a quick recovery and the possibility of complete healing. I guess that's really the bottom line anyway, isn't it?
In addition to pondering the whole cancer thing, I've also spent some time continuing to ponder the empty space I have discovered. Recently I have been able to gradually add activities to my work schedule, in the hopes of living a full life soon. I was able to join our church choir for a weekend full of performances the weekend before Independence Day. Performing at my church consists of participating in a worship rehearsal and singing for 5 services throughout the weekend. That was tiring, but a lot of fun. I do so enjoy singing. Worshiping God through music is probably one of my favorite things to do. Then add to my personal enjoyment, the thought that we have the opportunity to lead others into the same privilege of approaching God's throne to sing to Him.....WOW.....Words are unable to describe the feeling and honor.
I have to say that singing in the choir has helped that hole not feel quite so spacious. I was recently asked what I would like to do with my music. I was at a loss for words, honestly. My ultimate response was that I would love to be able to lead others in their worship, draw them closer to God by the music, the lyrics, or whatever else the Holy Spirit chooses to use. To be used by God in that manner would be absolutely amazing. Is God calling me into this area to be used that way? I really don't know. I would love to think yes, but honestly I'm afraid to think yes. I think I continue to feel I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. During my surgery, the surgeons scraped my diaphragm, resulting in a lack of sustaining power and an ability to hit notes I can normally hit. Someone has recently offered to help me get that back into shape. He has offered to work with me on a near weekly basis to see what my voice can do. I accepted his offer, but I am pretty nervous. What will happen if it is discovered that I was right? That I'm not as good as I would like to be? It seems that recently God has repeatedly brought to my attention what my family/friends lovingly refer to as "my verse." 
Oh, Laura, I am so glad I came to the most current post from the "OneWord365" post as I could find out your current status regarding the cancer. Amen. As I read your thoughts about not feeling like you had been through what the other survivors had been through at the Relay for Life, your word came to mind: "accept".
ReplyDeleteI am grateful that God provided the special doctors for you to take you to this point. How wonderful. And you are able to work at the job you love. A tough job, I must say.
I was going to say more about accepting, but decided, Laura, to leave it in God's hands. It is between you and Him, not me. : ) I look forward to checking back with you. Come see me when you can @ "Being Woven" ... beingwovenzephaniah317.wordpress.com
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Thank you SO much Linda. Your words are very meaningful and touch my heart. I agree that God is in control, no matter what. I'll use your word and mine together. I must be "still" and "accept" that God will work everything out according to His plan. I will certainly visit your site. Thank you for coming over to visit me.
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