Word of the Year

                    "ACCEPT"

Pick one word to focus on for the year (http://oneword365.com/). I was reading a blog post (http://cowgirlinadress.blogspot.com/2011/12/one-word.html) of a special young lady where she linked to this blog and announced that her word of the year is honesty. I began pondering what word I would choose if I participated in this challenge. At first I thought I'd pick "choose," considering the many decisions I must make this year. As I considered the word "choose," I began to realize that "accept" might be a more appropriate word. 

2011 was a year of many emotions and challenges for me. I began a new position as a crisis specialist at my job in July 2010. Within a few months, I was informed that I was at risk for being laid off due to County budget cuts. I was completely amazed at the reaction of my co-workers. I constantly heard from so many who were upset that it was possible that I would lose my job and no longer be in my agency. Everyone from colleagues to administration were seeking other positions to keep me employed there. Quite humbling, for sure. As the year ended, it became revealed that I was able to keep my job and I spent the beginning of 2011 amazed that I had kept this job that I loved so much. I had been afraid that I would not measure up in this position, though was repeatedly informed at how well I fit in the position. I'm constantly afraid of failing and not offering the correct services or enough support for my clients and fellow staff. Falling on my face has always been a large fear, especially when it could cost someone their life.

For much of my life, I prayed that God would give me a job, and would make use of my life. Ultimately, in 2007, I graduated with my BA in Social Work and then earned a Masters Degree in Social Work in 2008. To some degree, I still feel new and frequently inept in the field. I still have a lot of experience to obtain before I feel I will be skilled enough to do this with confidence. I love that God called me to the field of social work and crisis services. I love my job. I hope that one day I can feel proficient. This year, I earned my social work license. How did that happen? I'm not skilled enough for that. Am I in over my head? I pray that God give me the words to say and the ability to accurately assess the situations in my personal and professional lives.

I have many relationships with people in my life.I always have. My parents have always said that I have never met a stranger. I suppose that's true. I've always loved with all of my heart and hoped that one day I would be shown that love in return. The problem is that I've always been pretty "all or nothing" in my thinking about relationships. I love with all that I am and have rarely felt that others love me the same way. People appear to easily walk away from my life if/when they disagree with me, if my life displays conflict, or if I appear to need support or help. It seems easier for them to leave than to stick with me. I've always just figured they didn't care after all. I accepted the hurt and moved on believing I was obviously not as important to them as I had hoped. I've said things to encourage friends that were misinterpreted and lost close bonds that I had previously felt were tightly connected. I've attempted to make it right by explaining what I meant, to be shown it wasn't enough and those relationships were damaged beyond what I could see or do to fix them. I've felt I've been judged by standards that I don't always understand and am left unsure what I can do to repair these broken relationships. 

In October, I was diagnosed with cancer during a surgery to remove a large mass. The doctors had previously said that it did not appear to be cancerous, though we needed to remove the mass. My family and friends were informed of the cancer diagnosis while I was still in surgery. From the evening of the surgery, it became apparent that this diagnosis had impacted others more than I could have ever imagined. Visitors came to the hospital and to our home with tears in their eyes, to pray over me and with me, to offer support and encouragement. I received cards and flowers, dinners were provided, gift cards given for groceries, donated leave provided at work, etc. I learned that people were really impacted by the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer. I was told over and over again that they were upset that someone as "nice" as me was given this struggle and that I have such a positive attitude.

Why is all of this important to this year's word? I feel I have to learn to accept that I am in the career field God has placed me in. I need to learn to accept that God will provide the necessary skills to do the job He has placed me in. It's not up to me to do it effectively. It's up to me to accept His guidance with each client and interaction with each co-worker. I need to accept that people will not always understand me or be willing to continue relationship with me. I need to accept that people of other belief systems may not always accept me as equals in their lives and I can't or shouldn't try to make it otherwise. I would like to learn to love unconditionally and let God take care of the rest. I need to learn to accept the support of those who would like to offer support and help. I have to learn that I can't always do it myself and shouldn't try or I'll miss out on blessings in my life and allowing blessings in theirs. I need to learn how to accept this diagnosis of cancer that is now a part of my life and will always be in my vocabulary. I have to accept that a positive attitude won't fix everything, but trust in God will get me through it all, including the really scary surgery necessary to treat it. Most importantly, I need to learn to accept God's love for me. While I accept that He died on the cross for our salvation, it's not so easy to understand and fully accept His love for me as an individual. I have to accept that I don't have to try to be good enough.

This could be an interesting year. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

all contents (c) 2011-2019 Laura Inglis