THE JOURNEY TO ACCEPTING THE HARD THINGS

Ever since I heard about the 365 day challenge, the word "ACCEPT" has been super prevalent in my life. It's amazing how that works.....and crazy how a simple challenge can introduce a word that would help define a journey unlike any others. About a year and a half ago, I felt the need to write down some thoughts to describe how I felt about much of my life. I entitled it "Never Good Enough." These thoughts are much too long to put here, but they detailed life experiences in which I never felt I was good enough and could not measure up to the standards of others, myself, or much less God. Here are some quotes.....  

          "The two things that were spoken about primarily about this girl were that she “talks all the time. She never shuts up.” And that she could sing........She continued singing at church, singing solos, joining the choir. Through the years, she was told she needed to practice more. She was told she tended to go flat. She was never chosen for parts in productions. When she asked others to sing with her for special music, there were always reasons why they couldn’t do it. Eventually she was no longer placed on the music rotation. She just wasn’t good enough. This young lady, who had previously written how important music was in her life and how she couldn’t imagine life without it, was now consistently being told that she was not good enough at the only outlet she’s ever had. Evidently she’d been lied to and been on the wrong road during her life. “Well, okay. I guess I walk away and stop singing if I’m not good enough.”   

           "This woman had 3 younger brothers who she loved a great deal. She invited them to participate in her wedding. They were her brothers, of course. Why wouldn’t she? The brother next to her had moved to Oregon.....He brought his girlfriend and future wife to visit at times. Then, when the couple became engaged, she and her family were simply invited to their wedding. Both of the younger brothers were invited to participate, but not her or her family.....She and her family were left out.....A few years later, the next brother became engaged....Once again, the brothers were invited to participate in the wedding, as was this woman’s son. A wedding had to have a ring bearer, right? She was only an invited guest, not to be involved in any way. Evidently she was still not good enough."   

                    In regards to my marriage, "After 17yrs of marriage, this marriage was undeniably damaged and likely irretrievably broken. Years of abuse, control, and emotional separation had taken their toll. The couple who had such high expectations, who were so committed to this marriage had failed at keeping it moving forward......While others could survive a marriage such as this, she wasn’t a good enough wife or mother.....While some understood the decision that was made, others simply judged her. Judged him for the abuse? No. Judged her. “You don’t just walk away from a marriage” was told to her by an associate pastor. People she thought were friends abandoned her. They didn’t know the full story. They didn’t want to know the full story. She had been told at one point, by their pastor, that she had definitely married the right man. Her husband was SO incredibly talented at so many things. The same pastor knew that he was abusive. He knew their background......She wasn’t good enough or smart enough. She was the lucky one. Somehow not good enough to be married to such a wonderful man. Poor guy."   

I think you get the picture.  These experiences continued in relationships w/ well meaning friends. They say they treasure our friendship and me as a friend, however it seems like "out of sight, out of mind." They appear to find it easy to move on with life. I guess maybe I feel I'm not good enough for a relationship with them. Why do I explain this background? I think this may help to explain my relationship with God. I've never felt I was good enough for God. I know that no one is worthy, but He loves us anyway and sent His Son to save us. Our job is to trust His will for our lives and believe that Paul was right in his letter to the church in Rome. 

          "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whot have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 

I've always pretty well been the type of person to accept what's been handed out to me and move forward. "These are the cards I'm dealt so deal with it." I feel very deeply. I think absolutely all the time. It's been proven that my brain never (I mean NEVER) stops working....and is frequently on overdrive. I think about what I can do to help someone who's hurting. I think about what God would want me to do in a certain situation. I think about how I can do the right thing. I've often been heard to say "I want to make sure I do it right." I was raised that "if you want to do something, do it right or don't do it at all." You could say that I'm a perfectionist....with myself.....in my relationships, in my job, as a parent, and....as a child of God. I feel I have to do it right. God has been teaching me for the last while that I'll never be perfect and that He loves me anyway. He's still teaching me that. I'm a difficult student, I suppose. That’s certainly a tough thing for me to accept.

Now....the past few years, God and I have been working really hard together to get through my head that I have to accept His unconditional love for me. I know I can't earn it. I know He loves me. I get it. Honest. The feelings of not being good enough is SO EXTREMELY ingrained in me that it's super tough to work through and dig out. Talk about those recordings that won't stop playing. He's placed amazing people in my life in my home, at church, and in my workplace. They are consistently providing words of affirmation.....yet I continue to struggle accepting it. I never realized how hard this battle would be. I want to believe what they say.....but it's tough for this person who has never been good enough. 

Oh yea...we also have another kink in things.....the date for my cancer surgery has been scheduled. We met with the surgeon a week ago and he did a great job of laying out the options and odds. I have the choice of either doing nothing and see how long it takes for the cancer to grow again, as it is a slow growing, low-grade cancer. OR take the aggressive route and have the risky surgery. Well, doing nothing has never been a strong personality trait of mine. I feel that I should undergo the surgery and take care of it now rather than wait 5-10yrs and see what happens. However.....I'm also not one who is much of a risk taker. This makes for a struggle in my heart.  I guess this is part of the whole "accepting" thing and trusting that God will work His plan in my life. Part of that means that I have to accept what could happen in this surgery. What if I'm one of those who doesn't make it through the day-long surgery? What if there are consequences that alter my life? What if? What will happen to those around me if the unforeseen occurs? What about my children? How will they handle it? How will I have been a witness of God's love? How will I be remembered? "Lord, I'm not ready yet. I know we're supposed to want to go Home, but....I don't feel I've completed the job you sent me here to do." How do I accept all of this? Will I have been "good enough"?  

          "...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39 

          "...the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:25-27 

             "Then Jesus said to his disciples:  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:22-26 

SO.....accept.....that I don't have to be good enough, that God wants to give me peace, and that I should not fear what is to come. Did I mention this journey could be pretty interesting? 

all contents (c) 2012-2019 Laura Inglis