OCTOBER 19th

Today marks a year since I received news that I will never forget. News that permanently changed my life and the lives of those closest to me. This time last year, I was heading into surgery to remove a mass that was discovered in my abdomen. All of the labwork had previously reported that there was minimal chance the mass was cancerous. On October 19, 2011, I underwent surgery where it was discovered I had an extremely rare form of appendix cancer. If you have read much of my blog, you have read about the struggle my family and I have gone through to process this information and learn more than we ever imagined we would learn about this mysterious illness. Six months later, I underwent the only available treatment for this cancer, an experimental procedure to hopefully kill any remaining cancer. We have no idea how effective the procedure was and understand that it may show up at any time in my future. For the rest of my life, I will be considered to have cancer. While the diagnosis does not define me, it certainly impacts my future. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have been informed of the return of the cancer to someone else who appears to be walking a parallel journey, as I noted in my last post. My family also found out recently that one of my aunts was diagnosed with terminal cancer that has spread throughout her body. The doctors believe that any possible treatments would only prolong her life for a couple of months so she is opting to not have any treatments and just wait it out. Ever since my diagnosis, I have come to terms with the fact that cancer has chosen to invade my body and I can either allow it to run my life, or live life to the full. I have chosen to expect that I will be here on earth as long as God has planned and not engage in fearful thoughts. I guess you could say more examples of ACCEPTance. While I have no intention of owning fear, the recent news from Nick, from my aunt, and several others in my life has shaken me. It shed a light on the idea that the cancer may indeed show it's ugly head in my body again. 

A friend asked me earlier this week if I feel this year has gone fast or slow. That caused me to ponder the past year. In all honesty, I don't see this past year as a year at all. I see it in chunks of time, from surgery to surgery, situation to situation, life changes to life changes. In the past year, I learned to accept love and support from friends. I learned how it feels to have people step up and help me, show me how much I mean to them. A couple of examples that caught me completely off guard were a) the number of people who came to visit me in the hospital to see for themselves that I was actually going to be okay and b) the cards, gifts, donated leave, visits, etc from my co-workers. I have been absolutely in awe so many times this past year.

I have also learned to not allow myself to be stuck in the rut of life, to try harder not to allow my past and the mean and ugly words from others to dictate my decisions. I guess you can say that I am trying to push the stop button on the negative inner tape recorder and attempting to embrace more positives. It has not been easy, but I feel it is important to live the life I have left without wasting the gifts God has given me. If my life lasts another 10 years or 50 years, I have a job to do. I can sit on the sidelines and allow the judgements or criticisms of others to decide my actions or decisions or I can step into the race and run as best I can. So, sorry satan. What you may have meant for evil, God meant for good and my Lord promises that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. God promised me that and I believe Him. Sometimes I feel a bit excited about what my future holds, no matter how long or short it is, while at the same time I sure hope I don't have to hear the doctor say that the cancer is back.