STILL LEARNING TO ACCEPT

It is absolutely amazing to me how God has continually focused me this year on learning to ACCEPT....It appears so often that when I find myself in a struggle or a challenge, that pesky word pops up....Would acceptance help me find my path here? Would acceptance relieve some of the anxiety that I would normally feel in this situation? Would accepting certain things help ease the self doubt and negativity?

In a previous post, I wrote about feeling that God has been making me aware of a hole in my heart and moving me in a specific direction. I have been wondering what is supposed to fill this hole and which direction God is leading me. A few pretty significant things have occurred since then. 

During this summer, a very sweet and encouraging man took time out of his schedule to work with me on a near weekly basis to help build up my diaphragmatic support and dig in the pit to help re-build my self confidence in my singing ability. I am now scheduled to sing on the worship team in a few weeks. How will I do? I have no idea. It's been a very long time since I sang in front of a microphone. I'm pretty nervous, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Also this summer, a friend let me know about a job that would soon be opening in the agency where she works. She felt that I would completely enjoy this job. This comes at a time when I have been pondering leaving my current agency. I have felt that I was nearing the end of the work I've had to do there. I have always felt I would be there temporarily, though I love what I do and the team that I have been privileged to work with for the past five years. It sounded like a great possibility so I waited until the job was advertised and then applied for it. The application process took a couple of weeks, driving me nuts. Let me just say that this job would involve a great deal of bureaucracy, which I knew prior to beginning the application process. During the two months after the job was posted, I found myself struggling with patience, attempting to not become distracted, and trying to present myself as the most appropriate person for the job so they would be interested in hiring me. When I would begin to become anxious, I realized that there was a part of me attempting to take control over something when I should learn to be still and wait. I have to accept God's timing is not always my timing.

When I was diagnosed with Appendix cancer nearly a year ago, God blessed me with the ability to connect with a wonderful young couple whose lives were turned upside down with the same diagnosis. Nick and his wife, Alyssa, have been an amazing support to me on this cancer journey. Nick underwent the same HIPEC surgery that I did, about five months prior to me, so they were able to give me wonderful advice and words of wisdom. We were both healing quite well and moving on with our lives. This week I found out that Nick's cancer has returned. Here is their journey and health update. Hearing that this couple's lives are turned upside down yet again after holding onto the hope that he was healed from the surgery really hit me hard. If Nick's cancer can return full force, so can mine.

Working with people in all walks of life, I hear stories about lives lived and decisions made that are different than I would ever make. Family and friends make choices that either I wouldn't make or I feel like are mistakes. Does that mean that I know the "right" path for everyone? No. Does it mean that I know what I believe would be "right" for myself? I think so. Part of being a social worker is honoring a set of core values. One of these values is respecting the inherent dignity and worth of every person. One of the greatest commands given to Christ followers is to love others as we love ourselves. To me, that means unconditional love and acceptance of everyone. As a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a co-worker, a mental health professional. In all aspects of my life, I am called to accept others as they are and love unconditionally. 

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~ Matthew 7:2

So, to summarize my ponderings and my journey to acceptance. It appears that music is being returned into my life. Where it's going, I have no idea. I just have to take it step by step. Terrified of falling flat on my face? Yep, but I am going to do everything I can to accept it and reclaim this as one of my outlets. As far as the job, I did complete the application process and participated in an interview last week. I have no idea whether I will be offered the job or not. What I do know is that I followed where I believe I was led and did the best I could do. I may not hear anything for  a couple of weeks. If I am offered the position, it will be an amazing career move. If I'm not, then God obviously has other plans. Strangely, I have a peace about the career part. Not a peace that the job is for me, however a peace that I am walking the correct path and it will resolve the way God wants it to resolve. Appendix cancer? Well, there is really not much I can do about it. My surgeon does not want to see me again until April. All I can do is pay attention to my body until then and trust that God is in charge. I had to accept the diagnosis a year ago. I had to accept that this will impact my life forever. Others will be diagnosed and re-diagnosed. That does not mean that the cancer will return in my body. I have to accept that there is nothing more I can do and worrying will not help at all.

The next part of my journey as summer has led us into fall is what may be the most difficult. Accepting others and their decisions and maybe even more so, accepting myself. I believe that accepting others is much easier than accepting myself. Am I talented enough to sing on stage? Am I skilled enough to earn such a wonderful career move? Can I go through life not being judgemental and accepting others as who they are? What will happen if I'm told that the cancer has returned? 

When I compare where I am to where I was five years ago or even one year ago, I think I have grown. I think I have learned how to start forgiving my weaknesses. I do wonder where I will be on this path of acceptance by the end of the year. I am so grateful that God will continue leading me on this journey.