I've been thinking quite a bit recently about this year of
restoration. When I was first given the word "restore" as my word for
the year, I wondered what this would look like. As the calendar flipped over the the second half of this year, some lights have begun turning on and the restoring that was taking place
has started coming into clearer focus.
The first part of the year was a lot of taking a good, hard
look at the areas of my life that were unhealthy. The parts inside of me that
hold scars. Scars that still cause pain when they are hit or rubbed in a harsh
manner. It has been a year of acknowledging why some scars are so deep and
painful, while others only minimally so. Some of this entailed looking hard at
boundaries, love languages, relationships, and goals for myself. After my last post, someone I love dearly asked
why I was so focused on the hurts of my past, instead of enjoying the life that
I profess to be so wonderful. My response to this person is that healing is a
journey. One is able to have a positive attitude, even while healing from hurt
and deep pain. My life is so amazing and I will be able to feel that even more
so once I get to know the “me” the way I was created to be. I feel like this is
what is happening right now. I am being restored to the person I was meant to
be separate from the pain and insecurities that have tagged along throughout my
life.
One of the surprising things that has happened this year involves
my professional world. I was asked by the leadership of my church women's
ministry to speak at our winter conference on anxiety and depression. We were
hoping for 250 women, however were quite surprised to have nearly 400 attendees.
Having worked as a clinical social worker for some time now, in various
settings, speaking as a professional to groups of people is something so
completely new and out of my element. I was finally adjusting to being 100%
self-employed by using my education and training and now I was being asked to
step way out of my comfort zone and add a new skill to my professional world. To
my shock and amazement, the leadership and the people who attended the
conference expressed appreciation for the presentation and have continued to
ask me to speak to various groups through the year. Many conference attendees
and church staff were surprised that I had never done something like this
before, stating that this is very likely one of my gifts. This area continues to be a work in progress, with me still processing
this addition.
I have also been learning how to accept the phone calls from
people who are referred to my agency by my other clients. Apparently my clients
are "raving" about how much they are enjoying therapy. "I knew
what you did, but my friends who see you tell me how wonderful you are. It's
hard to make this first call, but after hearing that, I had to step out and
make the call." I want to ask if they actually mean “me” and did not dial
a wrong number. Are they confused? You see, there's an actual syndrome called
imposter syndrome. Due to my history, I have suffered from this ever since I
was in college and graduate school. It kicked into high gear when I stepped out
on my own and had quite a large fear of failure. Many people who suffer from
fear of failure will often sabotage themselves. On top of feeling afraid of
being discovered as an impostor, I'm a professional who works with people who
sabotage their dreams. Many know how to handle failure, but not success. I
started wondering if I fall into any of those categories.
Then there is my weight and long standing attempts to
separate my self-view and self-worth from my body shape. Becoming healthy has
been a focus of mine for the past several years, since I received the cancer diagnosis and following all clear. For me, part of getting healthy means significant
weight loss. When I look at photos of myself, I immediately judge myself based
on how the photo shows my weight and how fat I feel like I look (imagine how I feel when I see my presentations on video - ACK!!). My friends all
seem to be much smaller than me, which accentuates how large I look to myself.
You see, the words I've heard during my life continue to ring in my head. I
tend to think this will be a lengthier journey than I would like. A realization
I had this week is that, while I’m not as healthy or at a weight that I would
like to be, I’m not as large as I used to be or as large/unhealthy as I could
be. This is something that people have been trying to tell me for a very long
time, however I have a rather thick skull at times. You see, when people are
given a message much of their life that they aren’t pretty enough, small
enough, smart enough, or even good enough, it is very difficult to let go of
those words. Especially difficult for a “words of affirmation person.”
What does all of this have in common, you may ask? Well,
while I may be insecure about speaking in front of groups of people, may feel
the responsibility in full of the job that I have in providing therapy to folks
in need of help, my weight does not determine my worth or the validity of what
I have to say. The responses I have gotten from people who have worked with me
or have sat in a crowd, listening to my “talks,” are humbling to say the least.
“You gave my mom the opportunity to tell me that what happened to me 15 years ago
was not my fault.” “I left so empowered that I could go out and try to make a
difference.” “You helped us realize that we are not alone and the stigma needs
to stop.” A pastor informed me last week that “Your testimony is SO powerful”
and that it is helpful for people to hear it as part of my work. Not one of
them gave the disclaimer that “even though you’re not thin” or “even though
you’re not a real speaker,” or other such descriptions. They really appreciated
the words I have to say. They value my perspective, my ability to help and
teach them. Church leadership values me so much that they want me to be
involved in ministry as we move forward to helping assure the church is a hospital and not
a country club.
All of this causes me to flashback to the verse God gave me so many years ago. “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, ‘ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:11-14
While there remains a great deal of work to do, I think I
may be beginning to see some of the blueprints for this journey to restoration
and release from captivity. I still don’t know what it looks like in full, but
it has been interesting thus far and I thought I would share this with you who are following me as I travel the road of restoration.
all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis
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