Am I Focusing on the Negative or....?

Someone has mentioned that it appears I tend to focus on the negatives of my life in my blog. That I make accusations towards others rather than focus on my healing. I decided to address those views in this format as well and hopefully clear the air. 

Yes, I was raised in an authoritarian home and then later experienced domestic violence in my 17 year marriage. There have been many experiences in my life that have been really hard and hurtful. The loss of several relationships and communities that were not my choice. One of these communities was a church family that caused the term "friendly fire" to be used, as gossip spread throughout, and I had to patiently wait for God's assurance that "the truth will be revealed" to come to fruition. The loss of two pregnancies to miscarriage. A cancer diagnosis that is hopefully in my past. And many other stories..... All of that to say that yes, these things have happened. And yes, they hurt. And there are times that grief continues to occur.

About 14 years ago, I attended a workshop at a women's retreat. This particular workshop was addressing domestic violence and was taught by an expert in the domestic violence field. In this workshop, the speaker did an exercise that involved the telling of a story of a fictional woman and her life. This was the story of her life that led to her becoming a victim of domestic violence and then her subsequent healing through many years. With each experience of violence, criticism, invalidation, etc, someone in the audience placed a sheet over a volunteer sitting in the front of the room. At a certain point, the sheets began being removed one-by-one, until they were all taken off and the woman was "healed" from the pain and hurt.  As I sat in the audience, witnessing this exercise, I related to this story more than I ever cared to admit and sobbed throughout the workshop. 

On my OneWord365 journey over the past five years, God has been doing a great deal of healing in my life, my heart, my spirit. I guess you could say that the sheets are being removed, one by one as I have worked on accepting, resting, returning, continuing on this journey, and being restored. Some of the sheets have been removed very carefully, while some of the sheets have been ripped off, very painfully. As these "sheets" are removed, the situations that caused the hurt are looked over and, being an analytical type of person, I find myself looking over so many aspects of the experiences, at the people involved, at my role in each situation. I very often attempt to see what of my actions or words could have been different, Did I do something that escalated anything? What could I have said or done differently? 

When I write about my pain, these experiences, or the relationships that I miss and grieve, it is not to be hurtful or pass blame on those people I mention. It is, instead to recognize that this particular sheet is from that pain. It is looking it over and over to ask if I could have done something different. People who have experienced abuse, often blame themselves for the pain. "It's my fault because I'm unworthy and I deserved it." That idea. It is to continue learning to identify what is my responsibility and what was someone else's choice. I did not choose to be abused. My abusers chose to hit verbally, physically, emotionally, etc.... I did not choose to have my life gossiped about so my reputation was horribly slandered. Those people who chose to speak of what they did not have intimate knowledge chose that. I did not choose to end the relationships that are still so painful. The other people did, at times despite my attempts to request and encourage that we sit down and talk about what happened. Primarily to clear up any conflict in the communication, especially on my part, because I must be misunderstanding something. These relationships mean more to me than these people must believe. I love deeply. I love with all I am. I am more loyal than many choose to acknowledge. And I grieve over the possible deaths of these relationships that were part of my very inner core. Situations may change in our lives. We may change inside, however these bonds and love for one another only change if that is our decision. We choose. I did not choose to release those relationships. They were removed from me and coming to terms with that is difficult to say the least, hence the grief.

You see, it is easier, to some degree, to release the experiences of my miscarriages or the cancer, as neither were my fault. Easier to release some of the sheets, than others. These blog posts that I write about are a) to work through the inspection of the experiences, as I am a verbal processor and rather than talk this stuff out with people who may not want to hear it again and again (since I can be a slow processor for some things), I choose to write it out; b) to travel my journey to healing and grow in my relationship with my Lord; and c) to share on here in case my experiences may possibly help someone else know that they are not alone and may relate to my story. 

I believe that, if my story and experiences can help someone else travel through their life, then my experiences were not for naught. This desire to help others with my story has been validated by people, including one dear friend who recently stated "Thank you for sharing. You may not know this side of heaven who you've impacted by processing out loud. Thank you!!" If this is true, then my experiences served a purpose. I have to hold onto that as I travel the peaks and the valleys. Another friend encouraged me to "keep writing," while another wise woman advised me to "keep talking" about my pain and not shut it down. If you are one of the people who is upset at my verbal processing and believe I focus only on the negative aspects of my life, then I apologize that this is the focus you see and encourage you to perhaps process your own experiences in a way that works for you or perhaps discontinue reading my blog. I do not recall ever accusing anyone of being "a crappy person," as was mentioned by someone after reading one of my last posts. I would never do that. I am more likely to ask what I did to cause them to end the friendship.... and inspect the experience thoroughly. As I walk this journey to healing, I am more likely to identify where I needed to have placed my boundaries. 

As God is restoring me to become the person He created me to be, I will continue processing my experiences and various aspects of my journey. At some point, all of the "sheets" will be removed and I will be a survivor that no longer struggles with my self-image, self-worth, and fear of losing people I love. I will be able to place my trust 100% in my Lord and my Savior as He lights my path and I move forward step by step.

If you are one of the people who my journey is helping, I encourage you to keep moving forward and recognize that the "sheets" do indeed come off and the journey to healing is worth it, even if it takes a while. Please feel free to contact me if you need an ear.... I will listen as we travel this journey called life together. Until then, I'll keep writing and working through this pile of "sheets" placed on me through the years. Sorting through the laundry and throwing out what doesn't belong and keeping the lessons learned. 



all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis