Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Moving Forward

I've been spending a great deal of time recently pondering my life. My surgeon said it best at my post-op appointment this week. "This thing has taken enough of your life. Start living life and moving on." I certainly couldn't agree with him more. Let me say that, he also does not feel he needs to see me again until next year. He said that a) he has no reason to believe that all of the cancer is not gone, however he can't guarantee it and b) IF it is not completely gone, it is slow growing and he would not do anything different prior to next April anyway, so there's no reason to allow this to take more of my life at this point. SO....now that my health is finally put on the back burner (unless something comes up that needs my attention), I can look forward to my future once again. 


I had one of those moments when one uses that 20/20 vision that is hindsight....some clarity over where God has taken me during the past 6 months to a year. I realized that God has spent a great deal of time building confidence in me. This is something that I'm really not used to. If you've read many of my other posts, you've read some of my struggles so I won't go over them again. I've come to realize that, while I love my job and love being a clinical social worker, I also feel like it is my "calling." I wish I could explain how well it seems to fit me. My personality. My heart. Doing crisis work and working with people who are struggling with various aspects of their lives, including mental illness brings fulfillment to me unlike anything else has ever done. I have no idea how or why this fits so well. It just does. I can confidently say that this is what I do for a living and not be as afraid of failure as I once was. When I consult with others about mental health issues, developmental issues, resources, etc, I have come to accept that I DO know how to respond. I DO know that I am able to speak with some degree of authority on the subject. Please don't confuse this with arrogance. This is much different. This is confidence. Again. Something I'm certainly not used to. It feels kind of weird, yet.....I don't know. I guess I'm still processing. I do know that I am much less afraid of failure as I once was. It is an interesting place to be. Hmmm....


I have also been considering some other things. Everyone needs an outlet.  When one works in an arena that can be quite intense, sometimes I feel an outlet is crucial. When someone like me receives such large amounts of fulfillment in their career, an outlet can be missed and it might be easy to immerse myself in my job, my faith, and "doing" life. Recently, I've felt an opening being created inside of me. I don't really know how to explain it other than to say that I feel like God is preparing me for things He is going to add. What this looks like, I don't know. I have a few ideas, but I'm just not sure. The confidence that God has built in me professionally, has not followed through to this other portion quite yet. What will go into this opening that He is creating? Will I accept it or will I do the same thing that I've done historically and fight it? While I am on medical leave, I am anticipating that some of this will be made clear. Maybe not all of it, but I already feel some sort of direction is beginning to occur.....and it's a little scary.


"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~ Isaiah 40:28-31