We also see relationships with healthy boundaries. Relationships that consist in clear and open communication. When I was in college and graduate school, the idea of boundaries and self-care in relationships was taught over and over, again and again, by all professors and in all aspects of our education. One professor encouraged us to assure that our needs were satisfied in our personal lives so we were less likely to fall into unhealthy relationships in our roles as social workers. Now that I have been in the professional world for several years, I understand the warnings more clearly. When people you have worked with are stripped of their clinical privileges, it is very shocking and upsetting for all involved.
In this post, I would like to address more intimate relationships. These are relationships within families and/or friends. In my life, I have experienced a myriad of intimate relationships with my siblings, parents, ex-husband, children, and close friends. I would like to be able to say that these were healthy relationships with good boundaries and healthy communication, but that was not the case in many of them. I was raised in a family that appeared more authoritarian than not and we were discouraged from evaluating our feelings. A family in which obedience was the word, not talking about our feelings. I never knew what boundaries were. I only knew how to be obedient. Then I married a man who was also not "feelings" observant, so we ended up in an unhealthy relationship and ultimately divorcing many years later. Oddly enough, my children will tell you that my primary lesson in their upbringing was communication. More than anything, I wanted to have an open relationship with my children and wanted them to know that they were able to come to me with and about anything and everything. Now that they are young adults, I would like to say that this has been a successful venture. They each have their struggles, however they will both say that we have an open, honest relationship in which we have a lot of respect for one another. I am pleased with that.
With my parents, our relationship is more surface in nature. I'm kind of the odd duck in my family, as I prefer reality in relationships and feel completely disconnected when there is limited communication. Much of my family of origin is similar to that as well as extended family. Through the years, I have learned that people find me deep, almost intensely so, and anything but surface. The few people who know me well, know that I require loyalty, openness, and honesty. I don't like to play games. I don't do well when someone pulls back from me, and then likes to pretend to be a close friend. Some might say that I am all or nothing in these close relationships.
To complicate things, my primary love language is words of affirmation. One thing that many people don't realize is that love languages can be used to express love, cause harm, and can be withheld. For instance, if someone experiences love with the love language of physical touch, they are the child who does not do well with spanking as a discipline. They are the person who loves snuggling and feels neglected when touch is withheld. For me, growing up in a home like mine, I was considered a talker. A person who rambled and had a difficult time shutting up. As I grew up, when I realized that my language is words of affirmation, I understood that much of the reason I talked so much was because I was searching for love and affection from those around me.
Now, let's fast forward to my adult world. I have found relationships to be quite interesting. Being an extrovert, I am energized by being around people and in relationships. This often leads to many friendships, some long lasting, others brief acquaintances, and everywhere in between. I have experienced close friendships in which we are like family, friendships that are more surface, friendships that exist due to them being friends of friends/family, and short-term friendships. I have friends who have been with me through so many stages of life. Friends who sat with me or in the waiting room of hospitals (whether it was me or family members who were patients), helped me raise my children, spent hours on the telephone (chatting, crying, laughing), were with me during the births of my children, held me accountable for life decisions, prayed with me and for me, met me for coffee, etc, etc... I have cherished these relationships more than the friends could ever know. I would like to think that I was there as well for some of my friends during their times of need.
We have all heard the quote "people come into your lives for a reason, season, and/or a lifetime." Something that I worked on in my learning to "return" last year is returning my relationships to God. My prayer is that God return to me whatever He wants me to have. At the beginning of this post, I said that I have been pondering relationships for a long while.A post I wrote a long time ago was about feeling I am not good enough. One of the things that causes the feelings of not being good enough are the words used by others when they describe me, speak to me, or withhold from me.
In pondering relationships, I look at relationships with people whom I considered close friends or family. Some of these people whom I cherish have appeared to move on with their lives. Communication has gradually been withheld from me. Over the past couple of years, there have been less and less attempts at communication towards and with me. They will engage in relationships with others, but not me. They communicate with others, hang out, schedule time together, go on day trips, become involved with their lives, have phone conversations, etc. I have been feeling like I am not a priority in these relationships. Then, of course, this gives the evil one the opportunity to hurl darts my direction and remind me that these people are moving on without me, don't need me, and have ended the season of the relationship. I'm not good enough to be in a relationship for a lifetime, right? I'm not worth their time and energy.
Please note that I do understand, after being on this journey of accepting, resting and returning, that my worth is not determined by the view of other people. It does, however, still hurt to think that those who I've loved so dearly have moved me down the list of priorities. People who once said they loved being in relationship with me choose to move on to bigger and better relationships. Communicate my pain to these people, you suggest? I have attempted to do so with some of these relationships and through the years. The end result has been that they say I victimize and lash out at them. I am verbally attacked, called names, and relationships are ended whether it is with family or friends. What do you do when you are no longer a priority to someone? How do you handle the fact that they would rather walk away than show love? That they would prefer to withhold your love language? Maybe this is all part of the journey I am on to learn how to see myself through God's lens. I sure wish the journey wasn't quite so painful for all involved. Not funny at all.
all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis
