Saturday, September 17, 2016

Beauty and Bricks


The past few weeks have found me in some deep thought. God has been putting some of the puzzle pieces together bit by bit. This has left me in awe, in tears, and desiring to see more clearly the path He is taking me. One of the things that never ceases to grab my attention is when God pulls things from various times in my life and puts them smack dab in the center of my current journey. One of the frustrations that I have is when this occurs, my immediate reaction is a desire to run and hide; to return to my previous coping mechanism of believing this can't be about me, that I'm not good enough to do this, and how am I worthy of this calling God is placing on my life? I have lived like this for so long that, God surely doesn't want to give me healing and shower me with so much now. I have become comfortable in knowing my limitations. I am fully aware that people only want me there for their time and convenience. They don't want true, deep relationship and community with me. I mean, seriously. I'm too deep. I don't do surface conversations or relationships. I lack intelligence that the intellectuals in my life have in abundance. I'm just a little Southern girl who was transplanted into the Pacific Northwest so I don't fit in with folks here. The list goes on and on (as evidenced by many blog posts on this journey of mine). 

Ever since God started me on the OneWord 365 journey, choosing a word for the year, lightbulbs have begun lighting up. I have struggled to step out of the boat and trust that God will lead me as I keep my eyes on Him, while walking forward on the water. One of our pastors spoke to some of the women of our church the other night. She mentioned this passage of Scripture and boy howdy did it catch my attention. Here is some of the chapter:

"The Lord God has put his Spirit in me, because the Lord has appointed me to tell the good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort those whose hearts are broken, to tell the captives they are free, and to tell the prisoners they are released........He has sent me to comfort all those who are sad and to help the sorrowing people of Jerusalem. I will give them a crown to replace their ashes, and the oil of gladness to replace their sorrow, and clothes of praise to replace their spirit of sadness. Then they will be called Trees of Goodness, trees planted by the Lord to show his greatness. They will rebuild the old ruins and restore the places destroyed long ago. They will repair the ruined cities that were destroyed for so long........The Lord makes me very happy; all that I am rejoices in my God. He has covered me with clothes of salvation and wrapped me with a coat of goodness, like a bridegroom dressed for his wedding, like a bride dressed in jewels....." ~ Isaiah 61 NCV




It brought to mind my 2016 word (restore) as well as a song from my past that I had forgotten about. When my marriage ended, due to many things, including years of abuse (even though we are good friends now that we've both moved on in our lives), this song was introduced to me by dear friends (the husband is kind of an adopted dad to me). 







Along with the song, they gave me a brick to help me remember what God is doing in my life and how He will pull all of this pain together to make me even stronger. Though I was so hurt and in a place that I never thought I would be in, they wanted me to remember that God was and would continue to do a good work in me.



Now fast forward over the years since the end of my marriage in 2002. Since then I have earned a Bachelor's degree, a Master's degree, and my social work license. I have become successfully self-employed and can envision a business that will grow and provide a needed service to the area. I have begun doing trainings at my church and am currently taking a class that may indeed provide more focus in that area of my life. This year, not only is God providing healing in my life to restore me back to the person He created me to be, He is guiding me and lighting my path as I move step by step. This morning I recalled the eagle experience when God confirmed my word for the year and the message God gave me. The eagle was once endangered, but has now been restored. It continues to be protected. Not only is the eagle a protected creature, it is cherished by many. It is used in many analogies for it's grace, beauty, and strength. 

Now I return to the passage my pastor friend shared. This passage reminds me of my call to help people who are hurting; to redirect them to their Comforter; to use my experiences to help others know they are not alone and how to armor up with the Full Armor of God. God is making beauty from the ashes. Some versions of this passage specify the trees as oak trees. They represent the strength and endurance. God is doing a good work in me and in those who are willing to be called by His name. He is restoring. He is creating beauty from ashes. He turning our ashes into bricks on which He uses to build onto the cornerstone. Christ is our cornerstone. He is the One on whom we depend when the world is shaking. When the evil one tries to throw the flaming arrows, I need to remember to put up my shield of faith that is given to me as part of the armor I am reminded to wear daily. When I am told I am not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy, and just....not.... I need to remember these lessons. I need to remember that Christ was not considered enough either. He was mocked even more so, though He stood firm in what He knew to be the truth. Great example for me, as I read Isaiah 61; as I listen to this song; as I recall the brick given to me by my friends; and as I continue on this journey God has laid out for me. 




all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Possible Irrational Ramblings

I would like to start this particular post off by reiterating that this blog is my space to process my feelings and my thoughts. You see, I'm a verbal processor and, sometimes, it's easier to write some of these struggles here than it is to bend the ear again and again of my family or friends. My poor best friend is usually the one who is the recipient when I find myself overwhelmed with these thoughts. She so patiently listens and lets me vent, cry, and work these thoughts out. Sometimes I want to give her a break and just emotionally dump it out here, so if some of my posts sound like I'm having a pity party or an emotional rambling I ask that you just bear with me or just skip over that particular post.

People often tell me just how strong they see me. That I seem to keep so much together and juggle all of the balls thrown at me. Sometimes I just don't feel strong. Sometimes I feel like an emotional wreck. I feel irrational. All of those balls that I juggle sometimes need to get laid down and I need a break to just...feel....fall apart.... and ponder.


All of that said, my current emotional dump is about two things. 

The first thing is the fear of what my life will look like if the cancer ever decides to make a recurrence. The type of cancer I had does not show itself in any blood markers. It's only found in CT scans that, until this year I had annually. This year was a bi-year so the last time I got an all clear was April 2015. The cancer was slow growing, so the thought is if I was all clear last year, then taking a year off from extra radiation would not be an issue. My surgeon told me last year that he thought I was done with this whole thing and appendix cancer would not bother me again. This is where one may feel that I'm being a bit irrational in a fear that it will raise it's ugly head again. You see, the doctors told me before the cancer diagnosis, that there was no sign of cancer. That I "simply" had a large mass they wanted/needed to remove. When I woke up from the first surgery, I found out the "large mass" was a mucin filled ovary that was 12 inches in diameter and weighed 15lbs (the "normal" size of an ovary is walnut sized).....The mucin? Well that was 3-4 liters of free floating cancer permeating my whole abdominal area. 

While I was dealing with the cancer, I was more fortunate that I ever imagined. The people in the agency I worked with were supportive in ways I I did not anticipate. They loved on me, collected money for grocery store gift cards, donated their own leave so I never went with a single day without pay (even though I missed 4-5 months of work). They were encouraging to me, supportive to me and to my family, checked in regularly with me. When I went back to work on a part-time basis, they looked out for me and made sure I didn't work too hard. The perfect situation to have such a horrible illness. My fear? My fear is that the cancer will rear it's ugly head again. That my health insurance, which has a MUCH higher deductible (a gift of being single and self-employed is I have higher rates than when I had a group policy) will overwhelm my budget. That this practice I have worked so hard to build? That I will have to miss months of work, probably lose clients, not be able to pay my agency expenses that includes my office lease. The list goes on and the worry builds. Pretty irrational when I have no reason to believe the cancer will return, huh? 

Everywhere I turn I hear about someone having a cancer diagnosis. My cousin has been dealing with a couple different types of cancer. I have become friends with a woman who's first husband died from the same type of cancer I had and was diagnosed the same time I was. Another family member has a good friend who was recently diagnosed with appendix cancer as well. My best friend has a co-worker who has been diagnosed with a mucinous disease that we aren't sure if is appendix or colon cancer. And on and on. I will feel I have moved on, then something else will come across my purview and there it is again. On my strong days, I feel confident about my health but there are those other days..... Sigh.... The problem with being in the medical/mental health world is that I kind of know too much about what could happen and what this world looks like. So many people are struggling with a life of fighting cancer. How did I get off so "easy"? Less than a year of my life and I moved on. Maybe I'm waiting on the other shoe to drop? I don't know. 

The other part of my emotional dump is wondering if I will ever get married again. After being married for 17 years, my ex-husband and I mutually separated and nearly eight years later we finalized the end of our marriage by legally divorcing. We were high school sweethearts and he's the only one I've ever been intimately involved with, even though I'm nearly 50 years old. There are many reasons for the divorce, some mine and some his. The part that kind of hurts is that he has dated several people since we split up and yet I have had no one show any interest in me at all. My best friend believes that one day someone will show up and "treat you like you deserve to be treated." I wish I could believe she was right. My marriage ended when he moved out 14 years ago today and no one has ever looked at me since then. The pity party part of me wonders what's wrong with me. I was a good wife. I had my issues and made mistakes. I know I didn't deserve everything that happened in our marriage, but why does he get to have relationships and I don't? (I know. Life's not fair, but seriously? Really?) I see folks so frequently who get divorced or end long term relationships have people jumping at the bit to be with them. Why do I not get to have that? 

One of the reasons I believe guys don't look my way is because my best friend and I are housemates. There have been many people in our lives who assume that we are lesbians and in a relationship. Apparently middle aged women are not allowed to be best friends and housemates unless they are homosexuals (enter serious sarcasm). The fact that she helped me raise my children when my marriage ended, that she walked through the cancer journey with me - staying with me during both hospital stays, taking care of me and my kiddos, that we share a home and expenses, that we enjoy hanging out together, love one another as best friends do, all means that she is my partner. I have been told that I just don't realize I'm a lesbian or that I'm either gay or bisexual and just don't want to admit it for fear of upsetting my parents (my parents, by the way, scoff at this assumption), for the record). This part of my emotional dump actually makes me SO ANGRY. Because I have and had the blessing of a best friend to walk through life with me, to help me navigate the world of being a single mom so I wasn't alone, that I get a label of being a lesbian and don't get to have a relationship with another man again. Because people choose to judge and assume, I live the rest of my life "alone." I just don't understand how and why people feel the need to do that. 

Anyway.....I don't know if any of this makes sense, if you're still reading this dump. Maybe just getting this out here will help me process it all. Or at least get it out of my head so I don't have to sit with it all right now. Who knows? Maybe it will help me deal with some of this stuff in my head.



all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Still Finding My Way to Restoration

I've been thinking quite a bit recently about this year of restoration. When I was first given the word "restore" as my word for the year, I wondered what this would look like. As the calendar flipped over the the second half of this year, some lights have begun turning on and the restoring that was taking place has started coming into clearer focus.

The first part of the year was a lot of taking a good, hard look at the areas of my life that were unhealthy. The parts inside of me that hold scars. Scars that still cause pain when they are hit or rubbed in a harsh manner. It has been a year of acknowledging why some scars are so deep and painful, while others only minimally so. Some of this entailed looking hard at boundaries, love languages, relationships, and goals for myself.  After my last post, someone I love dearly asked why I was so focused on the hurts of my past, instead of enjoying the life that I profess to be so wonderful. My response to this person is that healing is a journey. One is able to have a positive attitude, even while healing from hurt and deep pain. My life is so amazing and I will be able to feel that even more so once I get to know the “me” the way I was created to be. I feel like this is what is happening right now. I am being restored to the person I was meant to be separate from the pain and insecurities that have tagged along throughout my life.

One of the surprising things that has happened this year involves my professional world. I was asked by the leadership of my church women's ministry to speak at our winter conference on anxiety and depression. We were hoping for 250 women, however were quite surprised to have nearly 400 attendees. Having worked as a clinical social worker for some time now, in various settings, speaking as a professional to groups of people is something so completely new and out of my element. I was finally adjusting to being 100% self-employed by using my education and training and now I was being asked to step way out of my comfort zone and add a new skill to my professional world. To my shock and amazement, the leadership and the people who attended the conference expressed appreciation for the presentation and have continued to ask me to speak to various groups through the year. Many conference attendees and church staff were surprised that I had never done something like this before, stating that this is very likely one of my gifts. This area continues to be a work in progress, with me still processing this addition.

I have also been learning how to accept the phone calls from people who are referred to my agency by my other clients. Apparently my clients are "raving" about how much they are enjoying therapy. "I knew what you did, but my friends who see you tell me how wonderful you are. It's hard to make this first call, but after hearing that, I had to step out and make the call." I want to ask if they actually mean “me” and did not dial a wrong number. Are they confused? You see, there's an actual syndrome called imposter syndrome. Due to my history, I have suffered from this ever since I was in college and graduate school. It kicked into high gear when I stepped out on my own and had quite a large fear of failure. Many people who suffer from fear of failure will often sabotage themselves. On top of feeling afraid of being discovered as an impostor, I'm a professional who works with people who sabotage their dreams. Many know how to handle failure, but not success. I started wondering if I fall into any of those categories.

Then there is my weight and long standing attempts to separate my self-view and self-worth from my body shape. Becoming healthy has been a focus of mine for the past several years, since I received the cancer diagnosis and following all clear. For me, part of getting healthy means significant weight loss. When I look at photos of myself, I immediately judge myself based on how the photo shows my weight and how fat I feel like I look (imagine how I feel when I see my presentations on video - ACK!!). My friends all seem to be much smaller than me, which accentuates how large I look to myself. You see, the words I've heard during my life continue to ring in my head. I tend to think this will be a lengthier journey than I would like. A realization I had this week is that, while I’m not as healthy or at a weight that I would like to be, I’m not as large as I used to be or as large/unhealthy as I could be. This is something that people have been trying to tell me for a very long time, however I have a rather thick skull at times. You see, when people are given a message much of their life that they aren’t pretty enough, small enough, smart enough, or even good enough, it is very difficult to let go of those words. Especially difficult for a “words of affirmation person.” 

What does all of this have in common, you may ask? Well, while I may be insecure about speaking in front of groups of people, may feel the responsibility in full of the job that I have in providing therapy to folks in need of help, my weight does not determine my worth or the validity of what I have to say. The responses I have gotten from people who have worked with me or have sat in a crowd, listening to my “talks,” are humbling to say the least. “You gave my mom the opportunity to tell me that what happened to me 15 years ago was not my fault.” “I left so empowered that I could go out and try to make a difference.” “You helped us realize that we are not alone and the stigma needs to stop.” A pastor informed me last week that “Your testimony is SO powerful” and that it is helpful for people to hear it as part of my work. Not one of them gave the disclaimer that “even though you’re not thin” or “even though you’re not a real speaker,” or other such descriptions. They really appreciated the words I have to say. They value my perspective, my ability to help and teach them. Church leadership values me so much that they want me to be involved in ministry as we move forward to helping assure the church is a hospital and not a country club.

All of this causes me to flashback to the verse God gave me so many years ago. “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, ‘ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:11-14 


While there remains a great deal of work to do, I think I may be beginning to see some of the blueprints for this journey to restoration and release from captivity. I still don’t know what it looks like in full, but it has been interesting thus far and I thought I would share this with you who are following me as I travel the road of restoration.



all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis