He'll Do it Again

A few years ago, I was at a Christian Women's Retreat. My ex-husband and I had separated nearly a year before and I was really struggling with the idea of divorce. When we married, I married until death do us part. The thought that it was over was incredibly difficult to grasp, as was the thought that I would soon be a divorced woman. I had been a stay-at-home mother for 12yrs, putting my life on hold, supporting my husband, raising our children, and focusing on what I felt I was supposed to focus on. I had no idea what my future would hold. I had no idea what this break-up would mean for my walk with Christ, with my Christian friends, with my family, for my children. What would my life look like as a divorced woman starting over? How would I support my children? Having been raised in a controlling home and being in an abusive marriage for 17yrs, would I have any idea how to live life alone?

At the retreat, the guest speaker was an amazing woman who had also survived an abusive marriage. She had been raised in the church and struggled with what God would think of her  ending the marriage. She knew the struggle that I was facing as I was dealing with conflict in my congregation due to the break-up of my marriage. She took the time to talk to me and give me the hard words as well as the encouragement to accept my future as a gift from God. During the weekend, she dedicated this song to me. I'll never forget her words. I purchased her CD and this song touches me every time I hear it.

Fast forward 5yrs from that retreat. God had called me back to school. I had graduated with a BA degree, followed by a Master's degree. To celebrate and to provide a gift to my family, we took a trip to Hawaii. The pictures in this video are from that trip. A frequent reminder of God taking care of things and moving my life forward. A reminder that, to accept the call to travel the journey he takes us on, often leads to a life unlike what we ever would have imagined. I can not imagine where my life would be at this point had I not followed His call. As I continue learning to accept His direction, I need to be reminded that all will work out according to God's plan.....and that's the only way to go. I hope this song touches you as it touched me.

Thank you Tammie Kay Arnim for your words and for using your talent.

Mid-Way Through Learning to Accept

  
So, those of us who are participating in the One Word challenge have been asked to do a mid-year update on how we're doing. My word this year has been ACCEPT and it has certainly been quite the challenge. Between dealing with the whole appendix cancer diagnosis and two abdominal surgeries within six months, learning to accept help and support from others, and figuring out some changes that need to happen in my thinking this year has been interesting to say the least.

Something that I had not considered when I agreed to the challenge was how often I reminded myself of the need to accept the changes in my life. Accepting the idea that cancer had chosen to lay claim to my abdomen was actually the simplest of the things I have had to accept. During my medical leave, when others offered to help and/or stay at the hospital, reminding myself that they were there because they wanted to be with me was a bit easier when I remembered that I was learning to accept help from others. I had to remember that allowing them to stand with me was no different than me standing with others. I do it because I care. Why shouldn't they be able to show me that they care about me the same way? How dare I prevent them from expressing their love and concern for me?


Learning to accept how much I am respected at work is proving to be slightly more difficult. I have not been in the social work field for very long so how is it possible that  I am as equally skilled as those whom I have the privilege of working beside? A very dear friend made a book for me to take the hospital. It was a guest book for those who visited to sign with messages so I would be able to remember who had been there. Not only did she make this beautiful book, she arranged for many of my colleagues and friends to send me messages in the book. The love and support this team has shown to me this past year has been more incredible than I could ever have imagined. Remembering the word I was working towards this year has helped remind me to accept this love and support as well as accept their opinions of my social work skills. Maybe I actually am a skilled social worker. Maybe God has provided me with what I need to do this job. 


Probably even more challenging for me has been learning to accept abilities that could possibly be talents given to me by God. For so long I have struggled with the concept of talents and consistently compared myself to others, of course always weighing in as not good enough. I'm continuing down this journey of attempting to find and accept these pieces of myself. Not sure yet how this journey will play out, however my job right now is to learn the acceptance of what may or may not be talents for me. A goal of learning to accept my abilities without comparing them to others is a good place to start. I'll have to let you know how that one goes as time goes on.

The most difficult part of this journey is learning to accept love from God. As someone who has been raised in church and has the full knowledge that God loves me, accepting that love is frequently more challenging. I was raised to fear God. Be obedient to His commands. The feelings involved in my faith was not something addressed quite so much. For someone who struggles with not feeling good enough, accepting God's love for me as an individual somehow tends to feel prideful. Lest I come across doubtful of God's love, please understand that I believe God sent His Son to save all of us. The problem comes with individualizing that love. That's definitely a blog for another day as I travel down this road learning to accept God's perfect love.

"Accept" has most assuredly been a word I believe God has laid out for me this year. As many changes have occurred during the first half of the year, I become torn between anxiety and excitement for the rest of the year. How will God continue to work in my heart? How will He teach me to accept things about Him, about others, and about myself? Interesting journey I must say.

3 months post surgery - Where am I now?

It's been a while since I posted on here. Life has been absolutely crazy since the last time. I was able to return to work on June 6th, working half days to re-build my energy and then, after 6 days of that, I went back full time. As much as I hated to admit it, working half time was probably a better option, as I became tired pretty quickly. Now, after about a month of full time work, I think I can honestly say that I'm functioning pretty close to normal. I'm so incredibly grateful that God blessed me with such wonderful physicians, such an amazing support system, and granted researchers with the ability to discover the treatments and surgeries I have gone through. 

Balancing work, home, and health has required a great deal more energy than I imagined it would. During my recovery, my best friend and I were able to take a short amount of time and make an appearance at a Relay for Life. Walking part of the relay with the other cancer survivors felt slightly awkward, I must admit. While I understand that I was diagnosed with cancer and underwent intraperitoneal chemo, rather than IV chemo or radiation, I just struggle with the idea that cancer is cancer is cancer. I can't help but feel that I have been very fortunate. The side effects I have experienced have been much shorter and less severe than others have had to endure. My heart goes out to those folks and I wonder how I dare compare what I have been through with their very difficult journeys. My best friend and I have had several conversations regarding this topic, however I'm still struggling with it. Maybe a light bulb will turn on at some point. I think for now, I will just continue to focus on God's graciousness in providing a quick recovery and the possibility of complete healing. I guess that's really the bottom line anyway, isn't it?


In addition to pondering the whole cancer thing, I've also spent some time continuing to ponder the empty space I have discovered. Recently I have been able to gradually add activities to my work schedule, in the hopes of living a full life soon. I was able to join our church choir for a weekend full of performances the weekend before Independence Day. Performing at my church consists of participating in a worship rehearsal and singing for 5 services throughout the weekend. That was tiring, but a lot of fun. I do so enjoy singing. Worshiping God through music is probably one of my favorite things to do. Then add to my personal enjoyment, the thought that we have the opportunity to lead others into the same privilege of approaching God's throne to sing to Him.....WOW.....Words are unable to describe the feeling and honor.


I have to say that singing in the choir has helped that hole not feel quite so spacious. I was recently asked what I would like to do with my music. I was at a loss for words, honestly. My ultimate response was that I would love to be able to lead others in their worship, draw them closer to God by the music, the lyrics, or whatever else the Holy Spirit chooses to use. To be used by God in that manner would be absolutely amazing. Is God calling me into this area to be used that way? I really don't know. I would love to think yes, but honestly I'm afraid to think yes. I think I continue to feel I'm not good enough. Maybe I don't have what it takes. During my surgery, the surgeons scraped my diaphragm, resulting in a lack of sustaining power and an ability to hit notes I can normally hit. Someone has recently offered to help me get that back into shape. He has offered to work with me on a near weekly basis to see what my voice can do. I accepted his offer, but I am pretty nervous. What will happen if it is discovered that I was right? That I'm not as good as I would like to be? It seems that recently God has repeatedly brought to my attention what my family/friends lovingly refer to as "my verse." 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Yes, Lord, I understand. My job is to continue going where You call me to go. It is not to question. It is to trust. I trusted You 100% with the cancer and my surgeries. Why is it so difficult to trust with this? What an interesting thought. Maybe it's because I knew that the cancer and surgeries were out of my control, but I'm afraid I will mess this one up. Maybe I'm afraid of embracing music as a talent, in case I'm wrong. "For I know the plans I have for you...." Yes Father. You know the plans. That's all that really matters, isn't it? For if You know, I don't need to know. I simply need to accept YOUR plan and trust You. Thank You. Thank You for healing me. Thank You for reminding me. Thank You for using me for Your plans. I love You my God.