What does the future hold?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

About 11 or 12 yrs ago, during a time when I was dealing with lots of emotional stuff, God gave me this verse. It was a reminder that, no matter what happens in my life, whether the decisions I make are right or wrong, I have a future and God Himself ordains that future. Periodically, since that time, I will happen upon this verse in the oddest of places. It's shown up on network television, in movies, on cards, and in sermons. It might be during a time that I'm feeling challenged, questioning my future, or possibly feeling a little down. 

"Fix these words in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." ~ Deuteronomy 11:18-19


When each of my children were born, I dedicated them back to God. I wanted them to know that they were here for God's purpose. I wanted to continually remind myself that these beautiful children were not mine. They belonged to God and I was the privileged woman that  was given the honor and responsibility to raise them the way God wanted them raised. I wanted to be the mom that these children needed me to be. I felt God tell me very clearly that my son had a big job in store for him and I had to fight for him. I have no idea what kind of job this is. I know I've spent a great deal of time fighting for him, but I continue to wonder what this big job is. What I do know is that I adore my 21yr old son. I hurt with him as he struggles to figure out what his life holds. I've watched him walk away from God and journey down his path. At the same time, I know that all of his experiences on this journey will play a role in the job God has planned for him to accomplish. 

My daughter is at the age where she is attempting to figure herself out as well. She'll be 16yrs old next week and is realizing that she has to make more and more adult decisions. She still loves God and is trying to balance her gift of mercy and HUGE heart while trying to read her life road map. She is the most nonjudgmental person I've ever seen. She is drawn to people with special needs like a moth to a flame. Both of my children hold my heart in their hands. Any emotion is that much more intensified if it involves my children. I can laugh until there are tears streaming down my face at a simple comment made by one of them. I can get super frustrated when they do things I know can hurt them. I feel a warmth in my heart unlike any other when my children are happy. Hearing them say "I love you" or give me kisses or hugs is indescribable. Watching my daughter in worship to our God and remembering times when my son would worship Him as well hits me in my very core.




"Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord." ~ Psalm 102:18 

As I watch these two people become young adults and develop their personalities, I become more and more excited to see what God's plan is for THEIR lives. I wonder how their gifts and talents will be used to show others the love of God. How will they be a witness to others of God's love? How long will my son wander before God gets his attention? Will my daughter continue in relationship with God? Will I be alive to witness them on their journey? Oh. Right. Cancer. Risky surgery. God has a plan for me. A plan for hope and a future. For hope OF a future? Hope FOR a future? How long of a future do I have? If my future on earth is short, does that mean that my job here is done? Did I do it right? Did I raise my children to do their jobs effectively? I'd really like to be here as a witness, to be here for them, to encourage them, to love them, to pray for them.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." ~ Proverbs 16:9

Am I being morbid? Am I thinking that this cancer or this surgery is going to kill me? Not at all. I'm just facing reality. The reality that people die of cancer everyday, that this surgery has risks, and the reality that people die from all sorts of things everyday. I will say that having Stage 3C Appendix Cancer and knowing that this surgery is not definitively going to cure it makes one think a bit more about my future and sense of longevity. However long or short my future may be, I haven't lost my hope. 

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off...." Proverbs 23:16

"God has a plan. It's a good plan. We like the plan. We just don't know what it is." I know that whatever plan God has is good and right and just. IF my future is going to be long or short.....only God knows. Only HE decides the number of days we have on this earth. AND only God knows how the future looks for my children. He knew before I was born or my children were born what our futures were going to be. The big job my son has? God knows what it is and the path he is going to take to get there. Whether or not my daughter stays the course? Yep. God knows and I trust that all will go according to His plan.

Thank you Lord for the privilege and honor to witness the lives of these gifts you've blessed me with. Thank You for allowing me to travel this journey with them. If I'm allowed to remain here on this journey, thank You. If you're going to take me home soon? Thank You. Thank You for your love. Thank You for being Sovereign. Thank You for being You.

What's the big deal about friendship?

You know how you hear that there are extroverts and then there are introverts? Well, 90% of the time, I'm pretty well on the far end of the spectrum....on the side of the extroverts. Don't get me wrong. As I get older, I tend to appreciate alone time periodically more than I ever did when I was younger. As recent as 5-10yrs ago, I was an extrovert 100% of the time. I think I've learned to appreciate alone time because of the numerous experiences when I've had to walk on eggshells and be so extremely careful of what I say. I'm the type of person that says what I mean and mean what I say. While I never intend to hurt someone's feelings, it can happen. What I have noticed is that this can happen when someone tries to "read between the lines" of something I've said. The problem with reading between the lines is that....honestly? I really meant exactly what I said. There was no hidden agenda. I've often said if I want you to know you've been offensive, or I feel I have a point that needs to be made....you'll know it. I have no fear of confrontation. I don't like it, but I'm certainly not afraid of it. It's just difficult when folks try to read too much into something I've said. I guess maybe it's our society. There's too much underlying...stuff...and not enough straight forward honesty.


The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. 
~ Proverbs 12:26  

How does that impact friendships? I've experienced and heard the stories of entirely too many people who have been harmed by the loss of friendships due to misunderstandings in communication. As a clinical social worker, I am frequently called upon to mediate conflict with my clients and their family/friends. So often it has been caused by assumptions (we KNOW what they say about that) or trying too hard to figure out what the other person REALLY meant. The end result? Explosions. Grudges.  Lost relationships. Physical harm. Depression. Isolation.  


Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  ~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 

Have I recently lost a friendship due to mis-communication? Is that what this is about? No. Actually this is about the journey I've been on in the past 6 months as compared to my pre-cancer life. There has been a distinct shift in my friendships since my marriage ended nearly 10yrs ago. We had friends together. There were people who made rather large assumptions about our decision. Rumors were spread. Ugliness happened. Black. Horrible. Hurtful. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Loss of friendships I believed were close. Really hard time. The most interesting part to me was that my ex-husband and I have a healthier relationship now than we did when we were married. Others just could not, or would not understand that. For some reason, these folks decided that there was a need to judge and condemn something that they did not know the full story about. Out of those who were active in my life, only a very small intricate smattering of people remained steadfast. I'm extremely grateful that God placed them there to pull me through and keep me moving.


One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  ~ Proverbs 18:24  

Now fast forward to this past year. My life has changed dramatically. I have a career that I absolutely love. I work with a team that I'm proud to say that are my friends as well as colleagues. My church family is absolutely amazing. Enter my nearly adult children who are my pride and joy and life is pretty well better than I could have ever expected. When it was discovered that I was to have surgery to remove a large mass, I began to have many friends offer support, love, and prayers. I was grateful and quite moved. I'd had surgeries before and never had this type of response. I thought that was pretty amazing.  

As always, my best friend/roommate and my friend who's more like a sister than friend were at the hospital, along with new additions to our support team who so wonderfully were willing to be there for each other and me. By the time I awoke, more people had heard about my diagnosis than I could have imagined. The word was out. Tears were shed. Shock and frustration by those who had heard. Prayers were being offered by the bucket loads. The next day, I can't even tell you how many people came to the hospital. I could not believe what was happening. Remember I said I'm an extrovert? That's a good thing because I was definitely receiving so much energy from those folks. I'm sure that's why I was able to bounce back so quickly.


He ordered the centurion to keep Paul under guard but to give him some freedom and permit his friends to take care of his needs. ~ Acts 24:23 


During my recovery, meals were brought to our home, Hallmark stock must have risen dramatically considering all the cards delivered, gift cards for groceries. You name it, my friends provided it. Now, with the upcoming surgery, I continue to be amazed at the love, care, and concern shown to me. God has blessed me more than I ever could have asked or imagined. Just as He promised He always would.


Back to my initial question. What's the big deal about friendships? 

Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as he loved himself. 
~ 1 Samuel 18:1

I have my best friend in the world. She has stood by me through thick and thin. She has lived with my family for the past 13yrs. She has helped raise my children. She tells me the hard things. She fights me FOR me when I can't. She supports and encourages always. When I hurt, she hurts. She has promised to never leave me....and she hasn't. She's my soulmate. I never thought I could have someone who knows me so well still want to be there. She prays for me non-stop. (I'm sure I need it more times than not.) Her family has become my family and my kids adore her like crazy.


When I first moved to the Seattle area, I began working for a company and was warned not to be friends with the president's secretary. Well, I've never been sorry that I didn't heed that warning. She has stood by me and with me ever since. We've been close for nearly 23yrs. Actually, we've realized through the years that, though neither of us was raised with a sister, God provided us one in each other. We've had conflicts, sure. Just like sisters do. We share the blood of Christ instead of the blood of our parents. She was there as my coach and support when both of my children were born. She has cried with me, celebrated with me, defended me, cared for me. We frequently don't share the same interests, but that's okay. We love one another unconditionally. No strings. Her friends have become my friends and my friends, hers. We love them because they love our sister. We embrace them because they are our sister's friends. Ever since God gifted me with my sister, I can't imagine life without her. Other friends have come and gone through the years, yet my sister remains.


My church family will call me, Facebook message me. They will consult with professionals to make sure I'm being cared for appropriately. They pray for me. They encourage me as I travel this journey. They keep me focused on using the gifts that God has given me. They seek me out at church. They listen to me. They cry with me. They pray with me. They love me.


My work family has shown me what support and acceptance in a workplace is all about. They are with me everyday making sure that I'm taking care of myself. Acknowledging if I look tired or reminding me to eat if I get too busy. They make sure that my insurance coverage isn't going to change and mess up my healthcare during this time. They encourage me to keep doing what I'm doing in my job. They provide for my needs in ways that they probably don't even realize. 


My previous classmates in colleges and in high school continue to rally around even from across the country. People who had lost touch with me have found me after so many years. They pray for me and offer encouragement from locally and so far away. Other people have come into my life. Friends of friends. Friends of family. They all encourage and pray and support and show love.

This is what friendship is all about. God has gifted me the past year with the gift of learning what it means to stand with someone. What it feels like to be on the receiving end of that support. I've said it before and I'm sure it won't be the last. I've been so amazingly overwhelmed by those God has placed in my life. I want to thank each of my friends for the role you've had in my life. Thank you Father God for these people. They are amazing and I can never express my gratitude enough.

Sometimes there are no words...

Have you ever had an experience that, despite your best efforts, you're unable to find the right words to explain where you are? You can try and try and still not be able to figure out how to explain how you feel? Times when you are experiencing emotions that don't seem to coincide with the experience at hand? 

A year ago, I was at a Christian Women's Retreat. The speaker last year was a wonderful woman named, Leeanna Tankersley. She touched my heart in such a way that I continue to process the lessons she taught us. Her lessons were on a well known passage. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 ¹ There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from  

   embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Leeanna challenged us to examine where we were at that moment. What season did God have us in? During that time period, I felt that God had asked me to be silent. Just sit and listen. To be still and know that God is there whether I could feel Him there or not, even if I felt alone. Sometimes it's tough to know why God will go for a season without talking to us. Is He not talking or are we too busy talking TO Him and not being still and feel Him, trusting that He will always be there? During the past few years I've been struggling with my relationship with God. Trying to figure out  they hows and whys of me and where I am in relationship with Him. The message I got very clearly last year is to just "be still." 

Recently I read Leeana's blog (www.gypsyink.com) about having just given birth to her third beautiful child. She said something, yet again, that really spoke to me. "I find myself silenced again. Like Someone has turned down my ability to explain it all and has turned up my ability to just experience it." ~ Leeanna Tankersley 

That rang so true to me, only in a completely different scenario. When the mass was discovered in my abdomen last fall, others around me were pretty concerned. They asked me if I was going to be okay. I'm typically a pretty happy person. I've always been an eternal optimist and as stubborn as the day is long. When people ask if I'm going to be okay, my normal response is always "Sure. I'll be fine." This time I couldn't say yes. My response was "I don't know." I have no real answer when others ask if I'm going to be okay. When they ask how I'm doing with the idea that I have cancer, all I can say is that I know that God is in charge and, since I'm His child, I have to go with His plan. His will is always best. Inside, I've asked myself why I have no words to explain how I feel. Perhaps God has taken this person who always has an answer for everything and is teaching me to just experience. Be still and KNOW that He is God and HIS plan is the right path. 

Where this will lead, I honestly don't know. What I do know, is that, by being still, I have learned to accept things that have always been tough for me. I'm learning to accept encouragement from others. I'm learning to accept that I can't do everything and being totally independent is not always the right thing. I'm learning to accept help from others. I'm learning that my opinions do matter to some people. As much as I don't understand it, I'm learning......well, let's just say that I'm learning things about myself that are still far from clear. I do know that if I was spending this time believing that I had the words to explain where I am right now and what this experience is teaching me, then I'd miss the experience that God is giving to me. Me be quiet? Sit and just experience? Something ONLY God can accomplish. ;-)

What a week!!

Do you ever have weeks that are just a wild mix of emotions and experiences? That has been my experience for the past week....or maybe two. It's been interesting to say the least. 

Last week began with a colleague expressing some dissatisfaction with our work relationship and expressed his opinion in a less than professional matter, resulting in a great deal of tension in our workplace and meeting/consultations with our supervisor. Not a lot of fun. I'm a pretty die hard team player. I will do whatever I can to make our work flow, pull together, and help wherever I can. Let's just say that others....well....aren't the same. Hearing that this colleague has been saying ugly things to co-workers that are a) rude and b) not true about me is pretty gut wrenching, for sure. However, by early this week, a meeting had taken place and some things were clarified and apologies made and ACCEPTed. Let's move on with life, I say.

Speaking of work, life in community mental health has been pretty stressful as of late. We've been going through some significant changes and my team has been making plans about how to cope with work and divide my responsibilities while I'm on medical leave. I know that the surgery is necessary for my health, but it's pretty anxiety provoking to know how tough it's going to be on my team for those 2 months. Sometimes I have to ask if I should postpone the surgery until a more opportune time. Of course the questions that are raised then are 1) when would there be a more opportune time, as I'm the ONLY crisis worker in my agency so they will always have to fill my spot and 2) is work more important than my health? Hmmm....Apparently the answers are quite clear. Just take care of the surgery and move on with the healing and kicking cancer's butt. I guess I must just ACCEPT that the team will work things out and I have to focus on my health. That's tough for a team player, for sure.

If you've read some of my other posts, you might have noticed my struggle with music. Well, last year I bit the bullet and joined our church choir. Of course it was partially due to an ulterior motive. My best friend in the world is a wonderful singer and musician, but hadn't been using her gift of music. 

SO, in effort to get her back into music, I joined the choir with her. I was completely prepared to have them ask me to quiet my voice, stand in the back, or whatever form it took for them to let me know I didn't have the skill to sing in the choir. That's been my previous experience, right? Okay....evidently my preconceived idea has not come to pass. We sang in the Easter performance last year and began the 2011/2012 season last fall. Of course my best buddy had to continue on her own after my surgery and cancer diagnosis, but the choir members and leader made me promise I'd return after the first of the year when I'd healed enough. "Really? Are you sure? You still want me there? I don't get it." Last weekend we performed in several services (we belong to a rather large church that has services Saturday night and throughout Sunday morning). After a sound check, one of the women who happens to be a music teacher and has the misfortune (in my view anyway - I'm singing right in her ear) of standing next to me had a little chat with me that really humbled me and took me aback. I'm still processing her words. Mind blowing? Not really. Deep and life changing. I don't know about that....so much. But more meaningful than she could have imagined. She informed me that I have a beautiful voice and that I should never stop singing. She loved that I was standing next to her and loved hearing me sing. Then another person who stands with me commented on how touched she was when she saw me sing last year. You see....I'm pretty animated when I sing. I really enjoy worshiping my God and love the idea of leading others in worship. I just love singing praises to God and sending out His messages of love, grace, and mercy. These sweet women spoke what has been so foreign to me. But I've been so convinced that music is not my gift. How can they be right? I don't understand. How can I ACCEPT what I had totally believed was untrue and a pipe dream? Evidently I'm still processing and struggling with ACCEPTing where God has me right now with this issue.

Then tonight.....tonight. My week was able to end in such a way that fills my heart. My son has fallen for a young lady from another state through primarily online communication. He let me know recently that they are becoming quite serious and she had decided to come here to visit to see how they interact face to face. They have spent the week together and she is leaving on Sunday evening. I requested that I be able to meet this young lady that my son has become so serious about and he was more than willing to oblige. Mom had to do what only Mom's get to do, though. A home-cooked meal it is. So he requested that Mom make her famous meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, and corn for the big dinner, with chocolate cupcakes for dessert. It was such a wonderful evening. My son's new girlfriend is such a sweet girl. We all had an amazing time. My son was BEAMING in a way I have not seen in a very long time. There did not appear to be any facade or forced interaction anywhere. She engaged in conversations and joking around with everyone, including deep, personal history. She informed me that she adores my son and "you did a d*mn great job in raising him." She said that she loves how I can be a "Mama Grizzly Bear," as my kids have been known to call me. She informed me of how she can see how fiercely protective he is over his family, too. I have to say that this relationship doesn't appear to be one that I'll have trouble ACCEPTing. I still have prayers for my son's future and, if she is part of that future, for her as well. But I think it won't be hard to ACCEPT this young lady into our family.

Like I said....what a week. I guess ACCEPT continues to be the word....in a lot of situations.

I Will Not Be Moved

ONE MONTH

			March/April 2012
Sun	Mon	Tue		Wed	Thu		Fri	Sat
11	12	13		14	15		16	17
18	19	20		21	22		23	24
25	26	27		28	29		30	31
1	2	3		4	5		6	7
8	9	10		11

SO....today is March 11th. One month from today, I'll be in the hospital undergoing the BIG surgery. When I was diagnosed with appendix cancer in October, I was provided with two options. I could 1) do nothing and wait to see what the cancer does or 2) agree to do the HIPEC procedure. This type of surgery is an aggressive, risky, experimental surgery. It's the only treatment that has been shown to be effective with this type of cancer. Have you ever heard of this surgery? Very few people have. 

http://www.hipectreatment.com/documents/hipec.php


According to my surgeon, this surgery will likely always be experimental because appendix cancer is too rare for the HIPEC to be approved by the FDA as the standard of care. I've heard about people who have undergone this surgery, lasting anywhere from 6 hours up to 18 hours. The surgeon who will be performing mine says that he believes it will last from 6-8 hours based on what he has seen of my lab results and medical records. My last surgery lasted for 4-1/2 hours and I was in the hospital for 5 days. They are predicting that this time, my stay with be 7-10. From my understanding, most people are placed in ICU for a few days after the surgery, but my surgeon doesn't think I will need that level of treatment. I'm not sure how he can know that, but I'm more than happy to believe that I won't need it. 

During the past 5 months, since I was diagnosed with appendix cancer and informed that this was the only effective treatment, I knew that the date was coming. The closer the date comes, the more I find it on my mind. Friends ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling. I tell them that I'm fine. Physically I'm doing well. That's true. I think I'm pretty recovered from the last surgery. It's tough to rejoice though, about having recovered while at the same time, knowing that I'm getting ready to have another one in a month. It's interesting to me that I haven't been afraid of the cancer, but this surgery isn't producing as much calm. After my diagnosis, I began doing quite a bit of research and repeatedly happened upon this "day long," "intensive" surgery. I saw the various cancer treatments and I felt pretty strongly that this was the one procedure I didn't want to have. It was scary to me from the first time I saw it. When the oncologist said that this was the only treatment for this cancer, I saw no real option other than this. Now it's 1 month away and little by little becoming all too real.


At church this morning, I was speaking to one of our pastors. I found myself repeating what I've said several times and believe with all my heart. I know that God is in charge. I believe that I'm one of God's children and therefore I've given my life for God to use as He chooses. I don't know God's plan for this time of my life, but I do know that  His plan is always best.


"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 5:18  "


"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
Matthew 6:27


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6


"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13


One month from today.....I'll be laying on a table with my surgeon performing an experimental procedure. Will I make it out of surgery? I honestly don't know. If I do make it out of surgery, will I be able to live a normal life, no tubes, no bags, the rest of my organs still in tact? I don't know. If I make it out of surgery, will the cancer be gone? No clue. What I DO know is that God knows. HE knows what HIS plan is for my life. "God has a plan. It's a good plan. We like the plan. We just don't know what it is." My job? ACCEPT God's plan and trust that His plan is what's best for me.

REVELATION SONG