Sometimes there are no words...

Have you ever had an experience that, despite your best efforts, you're unable to find the right words to explain where you are? You can try and try and still not be able to figure out how to explain how you feel? Times when you are experiencing emotions that don't seem to coincide with the experience at hand? 

A year ago, I was at a Christian Women's Retreat. The speaker last year was a wonderful woman named, Leeanna Tankersley. She touched my heart in such a way that I continue to process the lessons she taught us. Her lessons were on a well known passage. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 ¹ There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from  

   embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Leeanna challenged us to examine where we were at that moment. What season did God have us in? During that time period, I felt that God had asked me to be silent. Just sit and listen. To be still and know that God is there whether I could feel Him there or not, even if I felt alone. Sometimes it's tough to know why God will go for a season without talking to us. Is He not talking or are we too busy talking TO Him and not being still and feel Him, trusting that He will always be there? During the past few years I've been struggling with my relationship with God. Trying to figure out  they hows and whys of me and where I am in relationship with Him. The message I got very clearly last year is to just "be still." 

Recently I read Leeana's blog (www.gypsyink.com) about having just given birth to her third beautiful child. She said something, yet again, that really spoke to me. "I find myself silenced again. Like Someone has turned down my ability to explain it all and has turned up my ability to just experience it." ~ Leeanna Tankersley 

That rang so true to me, only in a completely different scenario. When the mass was discovered in my abdomen last fall, others around me were pretty concerned. They asked me if I was going to be okay. I'm typically a pretty happy person. I've always been an eternal optimist and as stubborn as the day is long. When people ask if I'm going to be okay, my normal response is always "Sure. I'll be fine." This time I couldn't say yes. My response was "I don't know." I have no real answer when others ask if I'm going to be okay. When they ask how I'm doing with the idea that I have cancer, all I can say is that I know that God is in charge and, since I'm His child, I have to go with His plan. His will is always best. Inside, I've asked myself why I have no words to explain how I feel. Perhaps God has taken this person who always has an answer for everything and is teaching me to just experience. Be still and KNOW that He is God and HIS plan is the right path. 

Where this will lead, I honestly don't know. What I do know, is that, by being still, I have learned to accept things that have always been tough for me. I'm learning to accept encouragement from others. I'm learning to accept that I can't do everything and being totally independent is not always the right thing. I'm learning to accept help from others. I'm learning that my opinions do matter to some people. As much as I don't understand it, I'm learning......well, let's just say that I'm learning things about myself that are still far from clear. I do know that if I was spending this time believing that I had the words to explain where I am right now and what this experience is teaching me, then I'd miss the experience that God is giving to me. Me be quiet? Sit and just experience? Something ONLY God can accomplish. ;-)