Am I Focusing on the Negative or....?

Someone has mentioned that it appears I tend to focus on the negatives of my life in my blog. That I make accusations towards others rather than focus on my healing. I decided to address those views in this format as well and hopefully clear the air. 

Yes, I was raised in an authoritarian home and then later experienced domestic violence in my 17 year marriage. There have been many experiences in my life that have been really hard and hurtful. The loss of several relationships and communities that were not my choice. One of these communities was a church family that caused the term "friendly fire" to be used, as gossip spread throughout, and I had to patiently wait for God's assurance that "the truth will be revealed" to come to fruition. The loss of two pregnancies to miscarriage. A cancer diagnosis that is hopefully in my past. And many other stories..... All of that to say that yes, these things have happened. And yes, they hurt. And there are times that grief continues to occur.

About 14 years ago, I attended a workshop at a women's retreat. This particular workshop was addressing domestic violence and was taught by an expert in the domestic violence field. In this workshop, the speaker did an exercise that involved the telling of a story of a fictional woman and her life. This was the story of her life that led to her becoming a victim of domestic violence and then her subsequent healing through many years. With each experience of violence, criticism, invalidation, etc, someone in the audience placed a sheet over a volunteer sitting in the front of the room. At a certain point, the sheets began being removed one-by-one, until they were all taken off and the woman was "healed" from the pain and hurt.  As I sat in the audience, witnessing this exercise, I related to this story more than I ever cared to admit and sobbed throughout the workshop. 

On my OneWord365 journey over the past five years, God has been doing a great deal of healing in my life, my heart, my spirit. I guess you could say that the sheets are being removed, one by one as I have worked on accepting, resting, returning, continuing on this journey, and being restored. Some of the sheets have been removed very carefully, while some of the sheets have been ripped off, very painfully. As these "sheets" are removed, the situations that caused the hurt are looked over and, being an analytical type of person, I find myself looking over so many aspects of the experiences, at the people involved, at my role in each situation. I very often attempt to see what of my actions or words could have been different, Did I do something that escalated anything? What could I have said or done differently? 

When I write about my pain, these experiences, or the relationships that I miss and grieve, it is not to be hurtful or pass blame on those people I mention. It is, instead to recognize that this particular sheet is from that pain. It is looking it over and over to ask if I could have done something different. People who have experienced abuse, often blame themselves for the pain. "It's my fault because I'm unworthy and I deserved it." That idea. It is to continue learning to identify what is my responsibility and what was someone else's choice. I did not choose to be abused. My abusers chose to hit verbally, physically, emotionally, etc.... I did not choose to have my life gossiped about so my reputation was horribly slandered. Those people who chose to speak of what they did not have intimate knowledge chose that. I did not choose to end the relationships that are still so painful. The other people did, at times despite my attempts to request and encourage that we sit down and talk about what happened. Primarily to clear up any conflict in the communication, especially on my part, because I must be misunderstanding something. These relationships mean more to me than these people must believe. I love deeply. I love with all I am. I am more loyal than many choose to acknowledge. And I grieve over the possible deaths of these relationships that were part of my very inner core. Situations may change in our lives. We may change inside, however these bonds and love for one another only change if that is our decision. We choose. I did not choose to release those relationships. They were removed from me and coming to terms with that is difficult to say the least, hence the grief.

You see, it is easier, to some degree, to release the experiences of my miscarriages or the cancer, as neither were my fault. Easier to release some of the sheets, than others. These blog posts that I write about are a) to work through the inspection of the experiences, as I am a verbal processor and rather than talk this stuff out with people who may not want to hear it again and again (since I can be a slow processor for some things), I choose to write it out; b) to travel my journey to healing and grow in my relationship with my Lord; and c) to share on here in case my experiences may possibly help someone else know that they are not alone and may relate to my story. 

I believe that, if my story and experiences can help someone else travel through their life, then my experiences were not for naught. This desire to help others with my story has been validated by people, including one dear friend who recently stated "Thank you for sharing. You may not know this side of heaven who you've impacted by processing out loud. Thank you!!" If this is true, then my experiences served a purpose. I have to hold onto that as I travel the peaks and the valleys. Another friend encouraged me to "keep writing," while another wise woman advised me to "keep talking" about my pain and not shut it down. If you are one of the people who is upset at my verbal processing and believe I focus only on the negative aspects of my life, then I apologize that this is the focus you see and encourage you to perhaps process your own experiences in a way that works for you or perhaps discontinue reading my blog. I do not recall ever accusing anyone of being "a crappy person," as was mentioned by someone after reading one of my last posts. I would never do that. I am more likely to ask what I did to cause them to end the friendship.... and inspect the experience thoroughly. As I walk this journey to healing, I am more likely to identify where I needed to have placed my boundaries. 

As God is restoring me to become the person He created me to be, I will continue processing my experiences and various aspects of my journey. At some point, all of the "sheets" will be removed and I will be a survivor that no longer struggles with my self-image, self-worth, and fear of losing people I love. I will be able to place my trust 100% in my Lord and my Savior as He lights my path and I move forward step by step.

If you are one of the people who my journey is helping, I encourage you to keep moving forward and recognize that the "sheets" do indeed come off and the journey to healing is worth it, even if it takes a while. Please feel free to contact me if you need an ear.... I will listen as we travel this journey called life together. Until then, I'll keep writing and working through this pile of "sheets" placed on me through the years. Sorting through the laundry and throwing out what doesn't belong and keeping the lessons learned. 



all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Five Year Anniversary of Life Changing News

• "They found a really big mass. You need to get your life in order because this will be a significant surgery to remove it."

• "It doesn't look like cancer. The bloodwork doesn't show anything indicating cancer, but we won't know until we get in there to remove it and see what we're dealing with."

• "The surgery should only be about 1-1/2 to 2 hours."

• "Plan on an overnight stay at the hospital, but shouldn't be more than a day or so."

Today is October 19, 2016. That means it was five years ago today that this surgery took place. A surgery to remove a "large mass." A mass that my co-workers lovingly referred to as Cyrano. I looked as though I was 6-7 months pregnant with this "mass" inside of me so they decided it needed a name. I think it helped everyone make some sense of what was going on with my body and sometimes humor is the best coping mechanism. Either laugh or cry, right?

What wound up happening is that, once they opened my abdomen, they immediately found the unexpected and something the doctors did not understand. A very rare form of cancer. The "mass" was not a mass at all. Cyrano turned out to be one of my ovaries that had become massive inside due to a large quantity of mucin from a tumor on my appendix. They initially believed it to be ovarian cancer, scaring my best friends and family horribly. Then it was identified as appendix cancer. One of many quite rare cancers that doctors don't even know about. That began the last five years of my life. And the lives of those close to me.

The 90 minute surgery turned into five hours and the overnight hospital stay wound up being a five night stay on the cancer floor. Many phone calls. Many hospital visitors. Friends saying that they really needed to lay eyeballs on me after hearing the unbelievable news. Doctors trying to come up with a treatment plan for something they had no idea what it was. My best friend trying to figure out how to tell my family. My ex-husband. My kids. How do you tell these people that their mom, ex-wife, daughter, sister, friend was just diagnosed with cancer? Prognosis? No idea. We don't even know exactly what this is. My daughter was 15 years old and taking her driver's education class when the news came to my friends. My son was a young 20 years old and had just moved back home after living for 14 months on his own in Arizona.

Thus began the cancer journey. CT scans. Chemo or not chemo? Doctor appointment after doctor appointment. Lab after lab for this test or that test. Many barium drinks. The crinkled brows of many doctors when they hear of cancer. "Appendix cancer? I've never heard of that. How did they treat that?" "Are you in remission now?" The hearing of other people with this cancer journey. Getting to know a young couple online as the husband was diagnosed a couple of months before me. Journeying with them as his body succumbed to it a few short years later, leaving behind a beautiful young wife and nine month old baby girl. (** side note ** One of the positive things from this journey has been the friendship with his wife. Alyssa is an absolutely incredible young woman who I have grown to care about very much.... definitely a gift in my life) An interesting realization I had today was that my son is now the same age as Nick was during his struggle with this horrible illness. What a reality check that was.

I look back at the past five years and I remember so much. I think about the aspects of my life that have changed. The work God has done in me and through me. The changes in my relationships that I thought for sure were permanent. That I had faith in. The bond that has grown deeper with others, including with my kids, my best friend, and even my ex-husband (even though we will never be "together" again, we both sure love and appreciate the ability to remain family). My relationship with myself. My desire to live life to the full. To make memories. To travel. To fulfill my purpose. To love.  To try not to embrace the negative parts that Satan tries to blanket my life with.

Five years. It's hard to believe it's been that long, while at the same time it's hard to believe it's only been five years. Sometimes it seems so long ago. I'd like to end this post with one of the biggest things I have learned over the past five years. Gratitude. I've learned to focus more on what I'm grateful for than what is wrong with my life, with society, with this, that, and everything else.

I am grateful for:

• A healthy life
• A warm home
• The medical world and people who have gone before me who paved the way that allowed me to remain healthy.
• My amazing children
• My soulmate/best friend
• Relationships 
• My beautiful nieces and nephews - blood related as well as adopted 
• Humor
• A calling from God that allows me to use my passion towards walking with people on their journeys towards healing and just loving on them
• The ability to drive freely where I choose with a capable vehicle to get me where I desire to go
• My church family and leadership whom I love and respect in so many ways
• Affirmations from unexpected places
• The ability to watch my children grow and become adults I can be proud of
• The opportunity to live in a free country that allows us the ability to speak freely, worship how we choose, stand for what we feel is important, and travel openly where we choose
• First responders who are waiting to help us when we call
• The AWESOME artwork of God that we too often take for granted in the Pacific Northwest
• Technology - internet, cell phones, computers, and on and on
• SO many more things that I could be here all day listing. 

MOST of all, I am grateful for the love of a Heavenly Father who granted me healing and allows me to remain here on this earth to hopefully bless people as much as they have blessed me. And to show people God's love so they know they have someone who cares, even in the darkest of places. 

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Identifying Strongholds in a Time of Restoration

As I move through the second half of my year of restoration, I am in the midst of two fairly intensive Bible Studies. One of the studies is about the Armor of God and the other is Rooted. Interestingly enough, a few friends of mine and I began the Armor of God study during the summer prior to learning that our Women's ministry was going to do it as well this fall. SO that means we get to do it at least twice, which is a really good thing as there is a lot of information to process internally. As far as the Rooted study goes, only coaches and trainers were asked to participate in this study during this round and I was one that was asked to take it as we are working towards being a church family that wraps our arms around folks who are hurting. There are many things from a person's past or even current pain that can be brought out in this process of moving forward and growing in our relationship with God. We want to have resources in place and be prepared to stand ready to be with these folks when that happens. So often groups of people, churches included, do not prepare for the possible outcomes prior to kicking off programs that will "stir the pot" per-say. 

NASA - Apollo/Saturn V Center (Firing Room Theater) July 2016

I find it fascinating that these studies are occurring this year, as God and I are walking through Him working in me to restore me to become the woman He created me to be. The timeliness of these studies is nothing short of impressive and, in my mind (since I do not believe in coincidences), providential. To add to this, the past couple of weeks has been a lot of identifying "spiritual strongholds" that prevent us from experiencing a close relationship with God and prevent us from moving forward in the path He has planned for us. Wow. Sometimes I feel like my head is like a pinball machine. Craziness...

Part of identifying strongholds, especially by looking through the lens of using God's armor, is learning how to identify weaknesses that satan will use to tear us apart. Last night, while doing one of my studies, I began going through my Bible and found a few pieces of paper...printed copies of emails from my past. Emails from about 15 and 16 years ago. A couple of them from men who were friends of mine and my ex-husband's and another from someone who was like family to me. These emails took me back to that time in my life that was so hard to get through. Messages to my ex-husband telling him about how I was financially incompetent, how people at our church would certainly not blame him for the end of our marriage no matter what I had told them, and that he had biblical grounds for leaving our marriage. Then an email from my friend who stated that she would "ALWAYS" be there for me. I had forgotten these messages, even though I am unable to forget that time period in my life. The messages to my ex-husband from our friends were so hurtful as I believed them to be my friends as well, yet they were speaking untruths about me and certainly adding to the conflict and ultimate end to our marriage. Then the message from my friend hurt because she has since ended our close relationship, stating that she never considered me family and did not feel we could continue our friendship. 

NASA - Apollo/Saturn V Center (Firing Room Theater) July 2016

One of the strongholds that I have dealt with for much of my life is feeling insecure and not good enough. Having people who commit to being a support to me betray me and walk away from relationship with me has been incredibly painful. It is apparent to me that the evil one attempted to use, yet again, this part of my life at a time when I am healing and embracing the truth about me. Now let's fast forward to present day. My ex-husband and I are friends, even planning a couple of family vacations with both of our children and with my best friend. Boundaries are strongly established and we choose to create memories for our children. We may be unable to be a married couple, but we are family and we want our children (and one day in the distant future, grandchildren) to have memories with us all as a united family (albeit one that does not happen to live together). One of the friends who sent a message continues to be a friend of mine and of my ex-husband. My friend who has ended our close relationship? While I have very limited interaction with her, I still love her dearly. I still pray for reconciliation at some point, in God's timing.

Why am I sharing all of this? Part of my journey to restoration is learning how to stand firm with God's armor in place. One of the pieces of armor is the belt of truth. I believe that what the evil one means for evil, my Lord uses for good. While satan may have meant to trigger me with these memories, God allowed me to see how I could stand firm with the belt of truth in place. Yes, these were hurtful memories, however I am not the same person and the relationships with these people are not the same either. Do people continue to believe that my relationship with my best friend is "inappropriate"? Possibly. Unfortunately for them, I no longer place value on those opinions. That has been part of the healing that has happened over the past few years.

"Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.'" ~ John 8:31b-32

I know I did nothing wrong. I know that my friendship with her is a gift from God and our friendship draws me closer to God, not further away. I know that, even these hurtful memories can not take me away from the arms and love of God. In this year of restoration, God is helping me to identify the flaming arrows of the evil one and stand firm on what I know to be truth. If someone chooses to take sides in something that they don't have all of the information, then that is between them and their Creator.

Oddly enough, I woke up this morning with this tune in my head..... 

I had the privilege of seeing this song performed live a few weeks ago. Ever since then I have been processing these lyrics. Part of releasing these strongholds in my life is doing "the very next thing" and focusing on what God is doing in me and through me. 

Satan, you don't get to use this history of my painful experiences to bring me down. You don't get to hurt me anymore. I choose to follow the lead of the One you feel the need to compete with. I am a daughter of THE King. I am fully armored up and you don't get to have any power over me. My Lord is my God and my Savior and will NEVER leave me or forsake me. 

What are the strongholds that are keeping you stuck in a spiral in your life? Feelings or experiences that make you feel you're not good enough? History of messages spoken into you that lead you to believe you're a bad person or unworthy? Perhaps God is wanting to provide some restoration on your end as well? What is YOUR very next thing?

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis