Saturday, December 31, 2016

Final Thoughts on a year of Restoration

Over the past year, 2016 has been a very interesting year for me in several life systems. The word I was given for this year as part of the OneWord365 program, was RESTORE. My
spiritual, emotional, and social worlds have been rocked in all sorts of ways this year. To clarify, they have been rocked in a good way. Since I have been participating in the OneWord365, I feel that God and I have been peeling back layer after layer of things that have prevented me from living as the woman God created me to be. Having been a strong and extroverted female raised in the Midwest and Southeast Bible Belt in a patriarchal and often times misogynistic society, I never felt like I fit. Sorting through layers of hurt, misconceptions, lies fed to me by the enemy, confusion about so many thoughts in my head that have led to an inability to find my true identity. An identity not defined by these deceptions that have blanketed over me through my entire life. 


The layers removed by the OneWord process have involved learning to ACCEPT (2012), REST (2013), RETURN (2014), take a JOURNEY through my progress (2015), and now to be RESTORED (2016). The past five years have required entirely more self reflection and analyzing than I ever desired. It has been quite the challenge, at times very painful, and incredibly enlightening. As I examine these aspects and apply what I am learning to my life, I find myself growing in ways I could never have imagined...in my work, my relationships, my spiritual life, and my physical life. 

Part of this year of restoration has placed me back at the foot of God's throne, empty handed and surrendering to Him every aspect of me. My self-worth has essentially been in alignment with the culture in which I was raised. Making a decision to engage in an unhealthy marriage at 18 years old sure did not help build that self-worth. Remembering to put myself at the foot of my Lord, and not to be defined by people and situations around me, has been something I have begun working towards. Part of restoring my self-worth has been reminding me to approach God in all things. Be much more intentional in my prayer life and armor up with the FULL armor of God. This leads to the realization that my self-worth is directly correlated to my spiritual life. If I was created at the pleasure of the creator of the universe, then apparently He considered me worthy of whatever purpose He had in mind. Before this
process of removing each of these layers, I would have argued this whole concept with you. The idea of my worth being related to someone so absolutely magnificent, was far too overwhelming to me and did not seem anywhere close to being possible.

Often times these changes have involved the loss of several relationships that were ever so important to me, a part of my very inner core. As I worked through the loss of these folks to death, to life changes, and to decisions that I was no longer necessary in their lives, I have grieved, had to come to terms with the idea that I had lost relationships that I depended on, relationships in which I loved with all that I am, relationships that helped define the woman I have become. Part of the restoration this year has involved making peace with this, rather than taking on ownership of some of these losses and allowing them to define me. One of these people I have grieved, stated that "loyalty is not always a virtue" in regards to a comment I made about myself being loyal to a fault. Another person stated that I was no longer family, even though this person is unable to 100% cut off
full communication. On the flip side, I get to celebrate and enjoy the start of a reconciliation with another family member who was previously convinced to stay away from me. Perhaps this will be restored in full some day. All of this makes things all that more confusing for me, a person who loves with all she is. Through many tears, heartbreak, evaluation and acceptance, I have begun the journey of acceptance, resting, returning these relationships back to the God who gives and takes away. 

This year also found me making new and different movements in my career. This is an area that remains in flux. Part of restoration has been the acceptance of myself as a professional business owner and learning how to step out of the boat and do things I historically would not necessarily have previously tried. Speaking with confidence that I am a skilled mental health professional, being willing to speak with authority from a stage in front of hundreds of people, and entertaining the idea of supervising people who are working towards their licensure. While 2015 ended with some sense of anxiety at supporting myself 100% independently, 2016 found me actually enjoying self-employment and having no desire to change that. To the contrary actually, there are movements towards expanding my agency in the next 1-2 years. Only time will tell how that will play out.

This year of restoration has included a renewed focus on my health. Over the past few years, I have often felt a bit of anxiety over whether or not the cancer may return. Hearing of

more and more people dying from appendix cancer, I would often wonder if I would hear the horrifying news that some of the mucin had been left and multiplied in my abdomen. Earlier this year, I decided to take a break from the annualy CT scans and doctor's visits as a way to focus more on living the life I have, rather than the "Scanxiety" (anxiety from my annual CT scans) that I endure every year.  In the midst of restoration, I remembered what my doctor told me after my surgery, "This thing has taken enough of your life. Start living life and moving on." If God decides it is time for me to go home to heaven, then that is part of His plan for my life. My job here will have been done. If it does not return, then I keep living life and moving forward. My focus on living the life that I have has been restored. I am eating healthy, trying to find time to exercise (not very easy at all). I am not sure if that is part of restoration or turning 50. HAHAHA!! Maybe both things. I am learning to make the most of the next years of my life, enjoying traveling, taking walks and drives through nature, photographing much of what I am seeing, and spending time with the people who choose to spend time with me. 


This year has been quite productive. It can sometimes be difficult to allow restoration, when I have become so accustomed to living as insecure, feeling "less than" and "not good enough," and that I must always trudge forward. As I have ended this year of focusing on restoring the woman God created me to be, I am finding that there is some worth there. That those who have chosen to remain part of my life are fortunate, as I am a good friend, a
worthwhile family member, and someone who can add to these relationships. I have discovered that my world needs not be defined by my history, my mistakes, my faults, or anything else that I deem unnecessary. What has been restored is the little girl who was born to a young married couple so long ago. A bouncy blue-eyed, sandy blonde, curly haired girl who loved to laugh. Throughout her life, she never met a stranger. Her reputation was that she was loyal, approachable, dedicated, persistent (read stubborn), caring, loving, positive, affirming, and encouraging. These are things that have been spoken over me by folks who have known me for a very long time and, my self-worth has more often been so low that I would push these words back, as I could not believe they were true. After this year of restoration? I believe I can accept these words as who I am.

After all of this, I sure wonder what 2017 holds for me. Each year has built upon the previous, which leads me to wonder what in the world can follow this year. 




all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Sunday, December 18, 2016

I Am in AWE!!


This weekend was our annual Christmas presentation at our church. I have been part of the choir for the past several years and have the privilege of singing with a wonderful group of folks whom I have grown to love incredibly. For the past couple of months, we have been rehearsing the music for this weekend's services. It is amazing to me, after singing these songs so many times, how all of a sudden, the lyrics can bring me to tears. Music is often the way that God gets through my hard head. Somehow my heart becomes vulnerable and perhaps the defensive wall becomes more penetrable in music.




"You didn't want heaven without us so Jesus You brought heaven down. My sin was great, Your love was greater. What could separate us now?" ~ Hillsong - What a Beautiful Name


As we were singing, these words truly spoke to me during this, my year of restoration. I have no doubt that I have heard these words previously in my life, however after a year of removing layers upon layers of insecurity and feeling "less than," these lyrics were able to make their way straight into my heart. I have been reading Scripture throughout these past few years, encouraging me to pull closer to my Lord and Savior, to focus more on living the life God has planned for me. To recognize that God has and will continue to do a good work in my life, if only I offer my free will for His use. To realize that the Holy Spirit has been sealed inside of me.
"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." ~ Ephesians 4:29-32
To recognize and embrace that Christ sent the Holy Spirit to be with us when He returned to heaven so we were not left alone. 
"But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all the things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." ~ John 14:26-27

 Another of the songs we sang was this one:




Sometimes life is very hard, we feel hurt, overwhelmed, confused. This prayer is one I have prayed many times over the past few years so to hear it in music form, really struck hard.
"I'm so confused. I know I heard you loud and clear so I followed through. Somehow I ended up here. I don't wanna think. I may never understand that my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray, all I've got is hurt and these four words. Thy will be done.
I know you're good, but this don't feel good right now. And I know you think of things I could never think about. It's hard to count it all joy, distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense of all your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God and I am not, so thy will be done." ~ Hilary Scott - Thy Will
This puts in amazing words what I feel so often. I feel confused. I feel uncertain about myself, my life. I feel afraid of screwing up, of hurting others. What if I don't hear God right? What if those who have issue with me are right? How about this part of the song (prayer)? Yep. Pretty well sums it up.

"I know you see me. I know you hear me, Lord. Your plans are for me. Goodness you have in store. So thy will be done." 
As this year of restoration winds down, this is definitely my prayer. Thank you Father God for this reminder. I. AM. IN. AWE....



all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Friday, December 9, 2016

Daily & Sufficient Grace

This morning I was on my way to a coffee date with a friend when a particular song played on my radio. I own this album and have listened to it probably a thousand times (not even counting the time I believe she sang it when we saw her in concert a few years ago), however this morning it just struck a major chord inside of me. I listened to it over and over, nearly becoming teary-eyed at the message. There wasn't a part of the song that did not speak so clearly to me. Here is a video to the song, followed by the lyrics.... 


Here are the lyrics

My heart is so proud. My mind is so unfocused.I see the things You do through me as great things I have done.And now You gently break me, then lovingly You take meAnd hold me as my father and mold me as my maker.

I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up,When I keep on letting you down?And each time I will fall short of Your glory,How far will forgiveness abound?"And You answer: " My child, I love you.And as long as you're seeking My face,You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

At times I may grow weak and feel a bit discouraged,Knowing that someone, somewhere could do a better job.For who am I to serve You? I know I don't deserve You.And that's the part that burns in my heart and keeps me hanging on.

I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up,When I keep on letting you down?And each time I will fall short of Your glory,How far will forgiveness abound?"And You answer: " My child, I love you.And as long as you're seeking My face,You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."

You are so patient with me, Lord.As I walk with You, I'm learning what Your grace really means.The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary.So, instead of trying to repay You, I'm learning to simply obey YouBy giving up my life to you For all that You've given to me.

I ask you: "How many times will you pick me up,When I keep on letting you down?And each time I will fall short of Your glory,How far will forgiveness abound?"And You answer: " My child, I love you.And as long as you're seeking My face,You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
In this year of restoration, part of becoming the woman God created me to be is learning to accept God's grace. BUT, before I can accept it, I have to learn what it is, what it looks like and how to recognize it, as well as allow myself to embrace it. 

I do mess up. I do experience pain. I so often feel unworthy. I fall down...a lot. I will at times allow my empathetic nature to affect my life when my heart breaks while I hear of another person who is hurting. When people walk away from me; when people criticize my looks, my personality, my feelings, my opinions/perspectives; when clients say that my type of counseling is not a good fit; when clients attempt suicide even after we have a safety plan in place; when marriages end even after many counseling sessions; when my children don't embrace the relationship with me that I desire; when my family chooses to not engage in relationship with me; when my pain is minimized and when I am undervalued.....I feel unworthy. I feel not good enough. I wonder how God can really love me when I feel so unlovable. Then, when I realize that I'm in the dark place, that I "allowed" myself to go there...again, I find myself asking God the questions that Laura Story so eloquently sings in this song.

You see, it's okay for me to feel down, feel pain, feel like a screw-up. It's okay that I feel hurt from others, that I sometimes feel insecure about my work even though it's my calling from 
God. It's okay that I question my walk and wonder if I'm following the right path. I was raised to strive for perfection and to be the best. When I realized that I am never going to be the best...at anything, then my heart wonders why I should even try because I'll never measure up. Part of this restoration is realizing that, my job is not to be the best. It is to be the woman God created me to be. To follow along the path He has lit for me. To embrace and love on those He puts in my path. To allow those who He is taking away from me to leave. To love unconditionally. To patiently wait for the Holy Spirit to speak to those who have shut Him down in their lives. To speak truth. To listen to the Holy Spirit's direction and compassion in my soul. To learn. To draw closer to God. To listen when God says (as Laura so wonderful sings) "My child, I love you. And as long as you're seeking My face, You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace." That is ALL I need to do....seek His face. (Enter warm heart at that thought)

I am SO grateful for people who have the gift of writing and singing music. I am grateful that God uses music to speak to my heart. I am grateful that God is providing healing and guidance to those of us who, while we are screw-ups, we're still His children and He still desires relationship with us. 


"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
 "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." ~ Hebrews 4:16

"Out of His fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." ~ John 1:16-17 
"And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." ~ 1 Peter 5:10
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand." ~ Romans 5:1-2 
 



all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Friday, December 2, 2016

We HAVE to do SOMETHING SOON


The state of our society right this moment incredibly saddens me.


- The situation in North Dakota where there are two sides of the story (of which I don't feel I know enough to make a stand, BUT.... shooting people with water cannons in the middle of winter in North Dakota sure doesn't sound like a wise idea to me.... and causes me significant concern for folks on both sides as this escalates)

- The various police officers around our country who are targeted by simply writing tickets or sitting in a coffee shop on their break or....

- The officers who try to keep people safe in their own homes and are shot and killed

- The families of those who have lost so much sense of themselves and allow themselves to get so out of control that they pull guns and use their young children as shields

- The families and friends of those who have to now deal with the inexplicable grief - both from the officers as well as the shooter (it's not the fault of the families)

- The officers who have to stand on the roof of a hospital to try to safely remove someone who's mental illness is out of control...and try to get him the much needed help before he or someone else is harmed

- The children who watched their dad kill a police officer yesterday, be held hostage by their dad, see hundreds of first responders around their house and know that their dad won't let them leave, then watch their dad get killed many hours later (early this morning) by other officers in Tacoma

- The children in Burien, who went to school today, only to go into lockdown and hear the bang, bang of bean bags being shot at the man on the hospital roof...just hours after hearing about the situation last night in Tacoma

- Or the first responders and hospital personnel who were/are on the front lines with all of this. The ones who still kept working because there were other lives to be saved.

- Or the domestic violence victims who are now terrified to call for help out of fear that this could happen to their family and/or other officers as well.

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?! My heart aches. It grieves. As a clinical social worker who has worked and still works in the mental health world as a career....who has worked closely with many first responders, with domestic violence victims and perpetrators, worked in a prison with someone who was deemed too dangerous to be released.... As a friend to family members of police officers, who works with officers and other first responders on a regular basis....As a friend to teachers who have to try to instill some calm to their students.... I see both sides. I honestly do.... What I also see is that WE. ARE. OUT. OF CONTROL!! It has been said that Black Lives Matter. It has been said that Blue Lives Matter. It has been said that this person is a victim or that person is a victim. YOU KNOW WHAT?! We're all victims in this. However...we can ALL have control. We can ALL show love and support and encouragement. We can ALL show gratitude. We can ALL own our own attitudes and behaviors. WE ALL MATTER!!

And, for the record, I don't want anyone to be pointing fingers at this year's election. This has been an escalating issue for several years now, which means it is not a political issue. It's a heart issue inside of our society.

How about we start a movement to be encouraging and loving to one another? How about we go up to a stranger and let them know they matter? How about we let a first responder know that we sure appreciate them? Here's one... How about, when we hear someone bashing another person, or a politician, or the police, or or or...that we ask them of what they think can happen to fix it? Then let them know that's a great idea and encourage them to take the steps to let their lawmakers or other policy makers know. Instead of building up the animosity, how about we try to be positive, encouraging, uplifting and try to make a peaceful difference? It CAN work.. We can become much less violent. Honest. Let's try..... PLEASE!??!?!






all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis