Sunday, December 29, 2013

End of 2013 - Coming to terms with RESTing

Well, my word for 2013 has been REST. It has certainly been an interesting year for that word. It actually feels as though my world has involved everything except resting. At the beginning of the year, I believed that I was going to learn how to rest and find something resembling relaxation and physical rest in my life. As the year progressed, however, I discovered that the word REST for me this year had little to do with relaxing. Let me explain.

Throughout the year, I became increasingly involved in the Creative Arts Ministry at my church. I was singing in the choir and was a substitute worship team member. My church reinstated the Deaf Ministry and I committed to interpreting the praise and worship portion of the services as well as interpreting a few other times as requested. Watching this ministry become active again has been an amazing joy. I spent numerous days completing my continuing education credit units to maintain my clinical social work license.  My family took a couple of day trips to the mountains. We enjoyed hiking and taking numerous photos of God’s handiwork that is like no other. I have lived near both Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier for over 20 years and had only spent limited time on Mt. Rainier and, until now, had never gone to Mt. St. Helens.

Last but not least, I felt that God was calling me to begin a private practice, providing talk therapy and mental health evaluations in a part of the area that has limited counseling services. Part of the plan has been to coordinate with local churches to offer this ministry to people who come into the churches in crisis. Another group I am focusing on is the Deaf community. I have always heard that there is an amazing need for them to have a therapist who can provide therapy in sign language. I have spent the past few months setting up this practice  with the anticipation of building it until I am able to leave my current position and turn this into my full time job. It has taken a great deal of work and I am incredibly excited about this opportunity.

As I write this blog and think about how it sounds, I realize that it sounds quite exciting, however let me explain where the word REST has come into play. As this busy year carried forth, I began to realize that a definition for rest is also leaning on someone or something, trusting that you will be held. I have learned how difficult it is for me to depend on others, including my God. Yes, I believe He is my Father and I believe I tend to do relatively well on the idea of being obedient to His call, however I realize that I tend to try to do it all on my own and lean on myself to take care of things.

As the year has moved forward, I discovered that I have been taken off of the worship team list with no warning or explanation. I can’t possibly explain how much this pained my heart and has caused me to re-consider the role music has in my life. While I think I know why it is that I began singing again, how did I allow myself to be put in the place where I can be so hurt once more? I recently resigned from choir until I figure out once and for all what the role is, if any, that music plays in my life. Maybe it was a temporary resurgence to get me from point A to point B in the recent years. I have no idea.  By the Fall of this year, I stepped out of an active role in Deaf Ministry due to such a busy schedule as I planned to move forward with my private practice. Oh, and the private practice? I signed a one year lease approximately two months ago, purchased furniture, have a website, and business cards. I have spent the past two months attempting to network, passing out letters announcing my practice and specialties, and passing out my cards. The end result? Crickets. I have had two referrals that I am aware of and neither have resulted in appointments or services for clients.

My first annual cancer check-up in April this year showed my CT scan to be “pristine.” Am I still cancer free? All I can go on is that last appointment and wait until April 2014 for my second annual appointment. I have no control if this appendix cancer shows itself again. I am heartbroken at this moment that someone I met online in my cancer journey (a 27 year old father of a 9 month old daughter and husband to a beautiful young woman), after we were both diagnosed about the same time, is currently on hospice care losing his fight with this disease.

Nothing in my private practice is in my control. I am unable to control how people hear my singing or any desire they have or don’t have in wanting me to be involved with the choir or worship teams. I have no control how my body chooses to keep a recurrence of the cancer at bay or be overcome with the mucin again. REST? Lean on others? I do trust that God has it all under control. What have I learned this year? More than anything, I believe I have learned how difficult it is for me to rest IN God and stop fighting. I need to learn how to allow God to give me that peace that passes all understanding. I need to learn how to not take everything on my own. Perhaps stop being like Peter as he looked around and realized how impossible it was that he was walking on the water.

This is my second year participating in “One Word 365,” with my first word being ACCEPT and this year being REST. This evening at church, I believe God gave me my word for next year. I am noticing a pattern, as it appears the next word is RETURN. Keep in touch for my introductory blog for 2014’s One Word 365. Accept, Rest, Return. Hmmm…..


Dear Lord, I ask that You be with me as You take me through these life journeys. I ask that You lead me as I learn how to be more like You and help me to follow Your guidance. Please give me wisdom and discernment to know what is from You and what is my own human nature. Thank You for the past two years as we have traveled this journey together.