Saturday, December 31, 2016

Final Thoughts on a year of Restoration

Over the past year, 2016 has been a very interesting year for me in several life systems. The word I was given for this year as part of the OneWord365 program, was RESTORE. My
spiritual, emotional, and social worlds have been rocked in all sorts of ways this year. To clarify, they have been rocked in a good way. Since I have been participating in the OneWord365, I feel that God and I have been peeling back layer after layer of things that have prevented me from living as the woman God created me to be. Having been a strong and extroverted female raised in the Midwest and Southeast Bible Belt in a patriarchal and often times misogynistic society, I never felt like I fit. Sorting through layers of hurt, misconceptions, lies fed to me by the enemy, confusion about so many thoughts in my head that have led to an inability to find my true identity. An identity not defined by these deceptions that have blanketed over me through my entire life. 


The layers removed by the OneWord process have involved learning to ACCEPT (2012), REST (2013), RETURN (2014), take a JOURNEY through my progress (2015), and now to be RESTORED (2016). The past five years have required entirely more self reflection and analyzing than I ever desired. It has been quite the challenge, at times very painful, and incredibly enlightening. As I examine these aspects and apply what I am learning to my life, I find myself growing in ways I could never have imagined...in my work, my relationships, my spiritual life, and my physical life. 

Part of this year of restoration has placed me back at the foot of God's throne, empty handed and surrendering to Him every aspect of me. My self-worth has essentially been in alignment with the culture in which I was raised. Making a decision to engage in an unhealthy marriage at 18 years old sure did not help build that self-worth. Remembering to put myself at the foot of my Lord, and not to be defined by people and situations around me, has been something I have begun working towards. Part of restoring my self-worth has been reminding me to approach God in all things. Be much more intentional in my prayer life and armor up with the FULL armor of God. This leads to the realization that my self-worth is directly correlated to my spiritual life. If I was created at the pleasure of the creator of the universe, then apparently He considered me worthy of whatever purpose He had in mind. Before this
process of removing each of these layers, I would have argued this whole concept with you. The idea of my worth being related to someone so absolutely magnificent, was far too overwhelming to me and did not seem anywhere close to being possible.

Often times these changes have involved the loss of several relationships that were ever so important to me, a part of my very inner core. As I worked through the loss of these folks to death, to life changes, and to decisions that I was no longer necessary in their lives, I have grieved, had to come to terms with the idea that I had lost relationships that I depended on, relationships in which I loved with all that I am, relationships that helped define the woman I have become. Part of the restoration this year has involved making peace with this, rather than taking on ownership of some of these losses and allowing them to define me. One of these people I have grieved, stated that "loyalty is not always a virtue" in regards to a comment I made about myself being loyal to a fault. Another person stated that I was no longer family, even though this person is unable to 100% cut off
full communication. On the flip side, I get to celebrate and enjoy the start of a reconciliation with another family member who was previously convinced to stay away from me. Perhaps this will be restored in full some day. All of this makes things all that more confusing for me, a person who loves with all she is. Through many tears, heartbreak, evaluation and acceptance, I have begun the journey of acceptance, resting, returning these relationships back to the God who gives and takes away. 

This year also found me making new and different movements in my career. This is an area that remains in flux. Part of restoration has been the acceptance of myself as a professional business owner and learning how to step out of the boat and do things I historically would not necessarily have previously tried. Speaking with confidence that I am a skilled mental health professional, being willing to speak with authority from a stage in front of hundreds of people, and entertaining the idea of supervising people who are working towards their licensure. While 2015 ended with some sense of anxiety at supporting myself 100% independently, 2016 found me actually enjoying self-employment and having no desire to change that. To the contrary actually, there are movements towards expanding my agency in the next 1-2 years. Only time will tell how that will play out.

This year of restoration has included a renewed focus on my health. Over the past few years, I have often felt a bit of anxiety over whether or not the cancer may return. Hearing of

more and more people dying from appendix cancer, I would often wonder if I would hear the horrifying news that some of the mucin had been left and multiplied in my abdomen. Earlier this year, I decided to take a break from the annualy CT scans and doctor's visits as a way to focus more on living the life I have, rather than the "Scanxiety" (anxiety from my annual CT scans) that I endure every year.  In the midst of restoration, I remembered what my doctor told me after my surgery, "This thing has taken enough of your life. Start living life and moving on." If God decides it is time for me to go home to heaven, then that is part of His plan for my life. My job here will have been done. If it does not return, then I keep living life and moving forward. My focus on living the life that I have has been restored. I am eating healthy, trying to find time to exercise (not very easy at all). I am not sure if that is part of restoration or turning 50. HAHAHA!! Maybe both things. I am learning to make the most of the next years of my life, enjoying traveling, taking walks and drives through nature, photographing much of what I am seeing, and spending time with the people who choose to spend time with me. 


This year has been quite productive. It can sometimes be difficult to allow restoration, when I have become so accustomed to living as insecure, feeling "less than" and "not good enough," and that I must always trudge forward. As I have ended this year of focusing on restoring the woman God created me to be, I am finding that there is some worth there. That those who have chosen to remain part of my life are fortunate, as I am a good friend, a
worthwhile family member, and someone who can add to these relationships. I have discovered that my world needs not be defined by my history, my mistakes, my faults, or anything else that I deem unnecessary. What has been restored is the little girl who was born to a young married couple so long ago. A bouncy blue-eyed, sandy blonde, curly haired girl who loved to laugh. Throughout her life, she never met a stranger. Her reputation was that she was loyal, approachable, dedicated, persistent (read stubborn), caring, loving, positive, affirming, and encouraging. These are things that have been spoken over me by folks who have known me for a very long time and, my self-worth has more often been so low that I would push these words back, as I could not believe they were true. After this year of restoration? I believe I can accept these words as who I am.

After all of this, I sure wonder what 2017 holds for me. Each year has built upon the previous, which leads me to wonder what in the world can follow this year. 




all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

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