About 11 or 12 yrs ago, during a time when I was dealing with lots of emotional stuff, God gave me this verse. It was a reminder that, no matter what happens in my life, whether the decisions I make are right or wrong, I have a future and God Himself ordains that future. Periodically, since that time, I will happen upon this verse in the oddest of places. It's shown up on network television, in movies, on cards, and in sermons. It might be during a time that I'm feeling challenged, questioning my future, or possibly feeling a little down.
"Fix these words in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." ~ Deuteronomy 11:18-19
When each of my children were born, I dedicated them back to God. I wanted them to know that they were here for God's purpose. I wanted to continually remind myself that these beautiful children were not mine. They belonged to God and I was the privileged woman that was given the honor and responsibility to raise them the way God wanted them raised. I wanted to be the mom that these children needed me to be. I felt God tell me very clearly that my son had a big job in store for him and I had to fight for him. I have no idea what kind of job this is. I know I've spent a great deal of time fighting for him, but I continue to wonder what this big job is. What I do know is that I adore my 21yr old son. I hurt with him as he struggles to figure out what his life holds. I've watched him walk away from God and journey down his path. At the same time, I know that all of his experiences on this journey will play a role in the job God has planned for him to accomplish. 
My daughter is at the age where she is attempting to figure herself out as well. She'll be 16yrs old next week and is realizing that she has to make more and more adult decisions. She still loves God and is trying to balance her gift of mercy and HUGE heart while trying to read her life road map. She is the most nonjudgmental person I've ever seen. She is drawn to people with special needs like a moth to a flame. Both of my children hold my heart in their hands. Any emotion is that much more intensified if it involves my children. I can laugh until there are tears streaming down my face at a simple comment made by one of them. I can get super frustrated when they do things I know can hurt them. I feel a warmth in my heart unlike any other when my children are happy. Hearing them say "I love you" or give me kisses or hugs is indescribable. Watching my daughter in worship to our God and remembering times when my son would worship Him as well hits me in my very core."Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord." ~ Psalm 102:18
As I watch these two people become young adults and develop their personalities, I become more and more excited to see what God's plan is for THEIR lives. I wonder how their gifts and talents will be used to show others the love of God. How will they be a witness to others of God's love? How long will my son wander before God gets his attention? Will my daughter continue in relationship with God? Will I be alive to witness them on their journey? Oh. Right. Cancer. Risky surgery. God has a plan for me. A plan for hope and a future. For hope OF a future? Hope FOR a future? How long of a future do I have? If my future on earth is short, does that mean that my job here is done? Did I do it right? Did I raise my children to do their jobs effectively? I'd really like to be here as a witness, to be here for them, to encourage them, to love them, to pray for them.
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." ~ Proverbs 16:9
Am I being morbid? Am I thinking that this cancer or this surgery is going to kill me? Not at all. I'm just facing reality. The reality that people die of cancer everyday, that this surgery has risks, and the reality that people die from all sorts of things everyday. I will say that having Stage 3C Appendix Cancer and knowing that this surgery is not definitively going to cure it makes one think a bit more about my future and sense of longevity. However long or short my future may be, I haven't lost my hope.
"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off...." Proverbs 23:16
"God has a plan. It's a good plan. We like the plan. We just don't know what it is." I know that whatever plan God has is good and right and just. IF my future is going to be long or short.....only God knows. Only HE decides the number of days we have on this earth. AND only God knows how the future looks for my children. He knew before I was born or my children were born what our futures were going to be. The big job my son has? God knows what it is and the path he is going to take to get there. Whether or not my daughter stays the course? Yep. God knows and I trust that all will go according to His plan.
Thank you Lord for the privilege and honor to witness the lives of these gifts you've blessed me with. Thank You for allowing me to travel this journey with them. If I'm allowed to remain here on this journey, thank You. If you're going to take me home soon? Thank You. Thank You for your love. Thank You for being Sovereign. Thank You for being You.
Amein.
ReplyDeleteI *heart* you.