More on Restoration

Casting Crowns concern 10/2016

This year has been quite interesting for me. Looking back over the year, I feel like there have been so many changes inside of me. Several realizations have begun penetrating through this thick head of mine and turning on some light bulbs. Every time I hear the word restore, often in song lyrics, but in other places as well, it causes me to pause and evaluate my life at that moment. I ask if God is trying to speak to me, like restore is a "code word" (I know. Pretty funny, right? Like God needs a code word? HAHA!!) or ask myself if there is something in my life that continues to remain stuck. I have kind of practiced that through previous words (OneWord 365), yet this year feels a bit more intentional. The changes have a deeper feel inside of them. I feel some of this deep down in my spirit. There have been many changes in my life this year, much more direction. One might call it the end of a section in the Book of Laura's Life, with some teasers remaining about the upcoming chapters.

Panorama of The Cove at Palisades Park in Culver, OR

View of Mt. Jefferson from Culver, OR

This year I was called to step way out of my box by accepting requests to do public speaking and training about faith and mental health. This was not anything I ever thought I would be asked to do, much less accept the call. I found that I actually enjoyed speaking to groups of people, making use of many years of experience and training in how to relate to and try to engage an audience. Apparently my passion for people, to help them realize that they're not alone and that there is help, comes through very clearly in this format. I have been told that my method of speaking and willingness to share my story openly allows the audience to feel connected to me and let their guards down somewhat. What is being restored here? The realization and reminder that God never wastes a step. That my experiences, both positive and negative, were allowed to serve a purpose and I have been allowed a glimpse into God's plan. I am humbled that God would consider using me in this manner.

Herd of deer in Culver, OR

This year, my business has continued to grow. My caseload has remained full most of the year, to the point that I have had to turn down well over 100 people who have contacted me for help. While folks say that this "is a good problem to have," it breaks my heart every time I have to say no. This is hard because it can take a lot of time, energy, and strength to make that call requesting help and, to be told there's no room, can be very discouraging. Often to the point of giving up on trying to find help. I became a social worker to help people, not make things harder, so saying no is discouraging even to me. Historically I may have just accepted that this is the way it is and moved forward, or kicked myself for not being able to do more, or even lowered my boundaries and taken on more clients (to my own detriment). Part of restoration in this arena? I have begun looking forward to the future of my business, anticipating the opportunity to expand and become an actual agency, not a private practice. Working with interns and externs, as well as contracting with other licensed clinicians. My point is, instead of accepting my current limitations, I am looking forward to expanding to meet the needs of the community in which I work, as well as working to help train other people with the same heart and desire that I have. And to think that only three years ago I purchased my business license. That's a huge change.

A flock of ducks & a lone goose at Cline Falls State Park in Redmond, OR

There have been several other situations in personal relationships in my life over the past few years that have left pain inside of me (and possibly them, but I can only speak to myself). As I have journeyed through this year of restoration, God chose to shine a light on these relationships to show me a few reasons why they may have been removed. I am an extremely loyal person. I don't leave people. It's just not in my DNA to walk away. I love with all that I am. In some scenarios, I am learning that this persistance can at times be to my detriment. Part of the restoration happening this year is the realization and acceptance that these people have been removed to allow me to grow in a different way than I would have had they been active in my life. These people are on their own journeys that are likely different than they would be with me involved as well. Will there be reconciliation at some point in the future? I sure hope so, but at the same time I have to let them go and allow God to do the work He chooses to do inside of them and inside of me. 

Most of the friends/family at my surprise 50th birthday party

In my adult years, my birthday has been extremely painful to me. This year was my 50th birthday (perhaps the purpose of my book analogy from earlier in the post - I am now into the second half of my life) and God's work on restoring my life included my birthday. I wrote about my birthday struggle several years ago "Birthdays - To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate". My best friend has literally fought me for many years about the pain this has caused to me. This year, God spoke to me very quietly one night, telling me that, as part of restoration this year, perhaps He was trying to restore my birthday as well. That I had to let Him do that work. My best friend had gotten together with my community over the past year to decide they were going to attempt to throw me a surprise party for my 50th. After much internal struggle and the conversation with God about it, I decided to go to my friend and give my "permission" for the celebration. I had to step out of the boat and trust. What I did not know at that time was that a dear friend had offered her home for this party and people from various aspects of my life attended. There were 31 of my friends and family who came to show their love for me, even going around the room and speaking affirming words to me one by one. My words of afirmation heart was overflowing. The love I felt from this group of my community was incredible. I continue to process this experience. I was informed by them that my birthday was being restored and my birthday was going to be celebrated from now on. 

A tangled log that reminds me of some relationships (Sisters, OR)

Three Tree Point, Burien, WA (Mt. Rainier in the distance)

During this summer, my family came together to celebrate my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. It was a fun two weeks of family, fun, and celebration...as well as getting to visit with family I have not had a chance to visit with in a very long time. The interpersonal dynamics was very interesting and more enlightening to me. There were some clarifications from various family members as to why decisions are made that I was unaware of. More realization of the differences in our personalities. Reconciliation in a relationship with a niece who was taken away during a previous family conflict. That she attended the celebration meant so much to me, and that she allowed relationship to occur again even more so. God is restoring my place in my family to where He wanted it to be when I was created, not in the way it has occured through the years. I just have to allow Him to do the work and stay out of His way. To allow myself to be shaped instead of fighting to be included and accepted. My feelings matter. My personality may be different. That does not mean it's wrong. I may be different than my family and that is okay. I just have to find my foundation and stand strong on it. 

Cline Falls State Park, Redmond, OR

Cline Falls, Redmond, OR

Tumalo Falls State Park, Bend, OR

Over the past few years, my best friend and I (and my daughter on occasion) have chosen to do quite a bit more traveling. We have been taking road trips all over the Pacific Northwest (SUCH AWESOME VIEWS), going hiking (on less occasions than I'd like, but it still occurs), and taking photos of nature. I realized that one of my coping skils is not only going on drives and hikes, but to take photos of nature. Taking snapshots of beautiful clouds, mountains, water, and all sorts of nature is so healing to my heart. Going back to the photos later helps me remember our Creator and how He makes all things new and beautiful. God is restoring a love for nature that never truly developed before now. I was raised in a competitve home and, since several friends, my ex-husband, and both of my children are all amazing photographers, I have been hesitant to acknowledge my love for taking pictures. Now I am at the place where I can say I love taking photos, even purchased my first DSLR (I know. RIGHT?!) and will continue using it as my emotional outlet. Definitely a restoration because I would not have made that big of a step before (even agonized over making the purchase of such a big camera). 

Blue Star Memorial Rest Area, Chemult, OR

Lest we believe that the restoration is complete, there are still so many things that God is working on restoring inside of me. It's definitely an interesting journey for sure. Learning how to identify boundaries where I feel they need to be, allowing myself to be the woman God created without comparing myself or competing with others, and stepping out of the boat trusting that God will carry me and allow me to walk on whatever terrain He chooses for me to walk on. As the final weeks of 2016 bring this year to a close, I wonder what God has in store for 2017. I have already become curious as to what next year's word is since each word builds on the previous one. ACCEPT, REST, RETURN, JOURNEY, RESTORE. Hmmm... 

Casting Crowns concert, 10/2016

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis