THE JOURNEY TO ACCEPTING THE HARD THINGS

Ever since I heard about the 365 day challenge, the word "ACCEPT" has been super prevalent in my life. It's amazing how that works.....and crazy how a simple challenge can introduce a word that would help define a journey unlike any others. About a year and a half ago, I felt the need to write down some thoughts to describe how I felt about much of my life. I entitled it "Never Good Enough." These thoughts are much too long to put here, but they detailed life experiences in which I never felt I was good enough and could not measure up to the standards of others, myself, or much less God. Here are some quotes.....  

          "The two things that were spoken about primarily about this girl were that she “talks all the time. She never shuts up.” And that she could sing........She continued singing at church, singing solos, joining the choir. Through the years, she was told she needed to practice more. She was told she tended to go flat. She was never chosen for parts in productions. When she asked others to sing with her for special music, there were always reasons why they couldn’t do it. Eventually she was no longer placed on the music rotation. She just wasn’t good enough. This young lady, who had previously written how important music was in her life and how she couldn’t imagine life without it, was now consistently being told that she was not good enough at the only outlet she’s ever had. Evidently she’d been lied to and been on the wrong road during her life. “Well, okay. I guess I walk away and stop singing if I’m not good enough.”   

           "This woman had 3 younger brothers who she loved a great deal. She invited them to participate in her wedding. They were her brothers, of course. Why wouldn’t she? The brother next to her had moved to Oregon.....He brought his girlfriend and future wife to visit at times. Then, when the couple became engaged, she and her family were simply invited to their wedding. Both of the younger brothers were invited to participate, but not her or her family.....She and her family were left out.....A few years later, the next brother became engaged....Once again, the brothers were invited to participate in the wedding, as was this woman’s son. A wedding had to have a ring bearer, right? She was only an invited guest, not to be involved in any way. Evidently she was still not good enough."   

                    In regards to my marriage, "After 17yrs of marriage, this marriage was undeniably damaged and likely irretrievably broken. Years of abuse, control, and emotional separation had taken their toll. The couple who had such high expectations, who were so committed to this marriage had failed at keeping it moving forward......While others could survive a marriage such as this, she wasn’t a good enough wife or mother.....While some understood the decision that was made, others simply judged her. Judged him for the abuse? No. Judged her. “You don’t just walk away from a marriage” was told to her by an associate pastor. People she thought were friends abandoned her. They didn’t know the full story. They didn’t want to know the full story. She had been told at one point, by their pastor, that she had definitely married the right man. Her husband was SO incredibly talented at so many things. The same pastor knew that he was abusive. He knew their background......She wasn’t good enough or smart enough. She was the lucky one. Somehow not good enough to be married to such a wonderful man. Poor guy."   

I think you get the picture.  These experiences continued in relationships w/ well meaning friends. They say they treasure our friendship and me as a friend, however it seems like "out of sight, out of mind." They appear to find it easy to move on with life. I guess maybe I feel I'm not good enough for a relationship with them. Why do I explain this background? I think this may help to explain my relationship with God. I've never felt I was good enough for God. I know that no one is worthy, but He loves us anyway and sent His Son to save us. Our job is to trust His will for our lives and believe that Paul was right in his letter to the church in Rome. 

          "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whot have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 

I've always pretty well been the type of person to accept what's been handed out to me and move forward. "These are the cards I'm dealt so deal with it." I feel very deeply. I think absolutely all the time. It's been proven that my brain never (I mean NEVER) stops working....and is frequently on overdrive. I think about what I can do to help someone who's hurting. I think about what God would want me to do in a certain situation. I think about how I can do the right thing. I've often been heard to say "I want to make sure I do it right." I was raised that "if you want to do something, do it right or don't do it at all." You could say that I'm a perfectionist....with myself.....in my relationships, in my job, as a parent, and....as a child of God. I feel I have to do it right. God has been teaching me for the last while that I'll never be perfect and that He loves me anyway. He's still teaching me that. I'm a difficult student, I suppose. That’s certainly a tough thing for me to accept.

Now....the past few years, God and I have been working really hard together to get through my head that I have to accept His unconditional love for me. I know I can't earn it. I know He loves me. I get it. Honest. The feelings of not being good enough is SO EXTREMELY ingrained in me that it's super tough to work through and dig out. Talk about those recordings that won't stop playing. He's placed amazing people in my life in my home, at church, and in my workplace. They are consistently providing words of affirmation.....yet I continue to struggle accepting it. I never realized how hard this battle would be. I want to believe what they say.....but it's tough for this person who has never been good enough. 

Oh yea...we also have another kink in things.....the date for my cancer surgery has been scheduled. We met with the surgeon a week ago and he did a great job of laying out the options and odds. I have the choice of either doing nothing and see how long it takes for the cancer to grow again, as it is a slow growing, low-grade cancer. OR take the aggressive route and have the risky surgery. Well, doing nothing has never been a strong personality trait of mine. I feel that I should undergo the surgery and take care of it now rather than wait 5-10yrs and see what happens. However.....I'm also not one who is much of a risk taker. This makes for a struggle in my heart.  I guess this is part of the whole "accepting" thing and trusting that God will work His plan in my life. Part of that means that I have to accept what could happen in this surgery. What if I'm one of those who doesn't make it through the day-long surgery? What if there are consequences that alter my life? What if? What will happen to those around me if the unforeseen occurs? What about my children? How will they handle it? How will I have been a witness of God's love? How will I be remembered? "Lord, I'm not ready yet. I know we're supposed to want to go Home, but....I don't feel I've completed the job you sent me here to do." How do I accept all of this? Will I have been "good enough"?  

          "...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39 

          "...the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:25-27 

             "Then Jesus said to his disciples:  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:22-26 

SO.....accept.....that I don't have to be good enough, that God wants to give me peace, and that I should not fear what is to come. Did I mention this journey could be pretty interesting? 

all contents (c) 2012-2019 Laura Inglis

Challenges and Change

Do you ever have times when it seems like you can't do anything right? Times when you say something to someone to encourage them and it backfires.....then the friendship becomes uncomfortable or no longer existant? Times when you feel like God is giving you a direction and you get all excited about it, only to find a STOP or a YIELD sign in front of you? Is the plan still ahead, just further ahead than you thought? Was I wrong in where I thought I was going? Did God change the plan for some reason?

It seems like the last few years of my life have been full of change. Some of which have resulted in a great deal of hurt and some have been wonderful change. My marriage of 17yrs ended mutually. I was able to return to school and learn ASL, then earn both my BA and Master's degrees. My son graduated from high school after some tumultuous teen years and has been trying to find his way in life since. I have finally discovered a fulfilling career. Of course there was also the calling that God gave me into Deaf ministry. Learning ASL was an incredible challenge, as was earning my degrees. Pretty amazing stuff for someone who was a stay at home wife and mother for 12yrs. I completely believed that my job was solely to be a wife and mother. Nothing else. Fortunately my dear friend believed differently and was such a support to me as I finally came to the realization that there was more for my life after my marriage ended. I'm sure convincing me of that was a bigger challenge for her than she ever thought possible. I'm glad God gave her the stamina to fight with me as I struggled with those changes.

Then, to top it all off, the doctors discovered last October that I have a very rare appendix cancer. Yep. Cancer. So, let's take a look at this. I'm a housewife/mother for most of my adult life then am called into Deaf Ministry and return to college. I struggle and strain, eventually earn my degrees while being a single mom, then enter the career God sent me into. Find a job that suits me well and that I love more than I imagined. God plants a goal into my heart about my future, so I start looking ahead, planning, preparing.....then comes the screeching halt and the time to re-evaluate most everything. Cancer....okay....well....what does that mean? What does that say for my future? I've watched my son become a young adult. My daughter is still in her teens. Don't they still need their mom around? Will I be there as they find their way in life? Why did I have to spend so much time in school and developing my career if I was going to die a few years into it? Wait a minute. Cancer doesn't always go hand in hand with death. Is this just another challenge in my life? I know we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow and I get that, but I do believe we're supposed to plan ahead to be wise in and with what we are given.

I've discovered myself pondering the word "accept" the last week or so. I've found myself responding to various conflict at work and in my personal life with a comment such as "I know it's something I don't agree with, but I accept that I can't do anything about it so I will choose not to fight this battle." Or maybe "I wish this conflict was able to be resolved in this friendship, but I've already clarified and apologized for anything I may have said wrong. I'm just going to accept that there is nothing else I can do. It's his/her call. Not mine at this point, even though I wish there was something else I could do." And of course there is the whole cancer thing. I do struggle with the intense, experimental surgery that is in my near future. It's the only treatment that has been shown to be effective for appendix cancer and it can be scary to think about. I have to accept that it is the only option to fight this and trust that God is going to fulfill His plan. I wish I knew the future, but I don't. The word "accept" is looking to be a tough word for me. I pray that it's not so tough as the year moves forward.

all contents (c) 2011-2019 Laura Inglis

Word of the Year

                    "ACCEPT"

Pick one word to focus on for the year (http://oneword365.com/). I was reading a blog post (http://cowgirlinadress.blogspot.com/2011/12/one-word.html) of a special young lady where she linked to this blog and announced that her word of the year is honesty. I began pondering what word I would choose if I participated in this challenge. At first I thought I'd pick "choose," considering the many decisions I must make this year. As I considered the word "choose," I began to realize that "accept" might be a more appropriate word. 

2011 was a year of many emotions and challenges for me. I began a new position as a crisis specialist at my job in July 2010. Within a few months, I was informed that I was at risk for being laid off due to County budget cuts. I was completely amazed at the reaction of my co-workers. I constantly heard from so many who were upset that it was possible that I would lose my job and no longer be in my agency. Everyone from colleagues to administration were seeking other positions to keep me employed there. Quite humbling, for sure. As the year ended, it became revealed that I was able to keep my job and I spent the beginning of 2011 amazed that I had kept this job that I loved so much. I had been afraid that I would not measure up in this position, though was repeatedly informed at how well I fit in the position. I'm constantly afraid of failing and not offering the correct services or enough support for my clients and fellow staff. Falling on my face has always been a large fear, especially when it could cost someone their life.

For much of my life, I prayed that God would give me a job, and would make use of my life. Ultimately, in 2007, I graduated with my BA in Social Work and then earned a Masters Degree in Social Work in 2008. To some degree, I still feel new and frequently inept in the field. I still have a lot of experience to obtain before I feel I will be skilled enough to do this with confidence. I love that God called me to the field of social work and crisis services. I love my job. I hope that one day I can feel proficient. This year, I earned my social work license. How did that happen? I'm not skilled enough for that. Am I in over my head? I pray that God give me the words to say and the ability to accurately assess the situations in my personal and professional lives.

I have many relationships with people in my life.I always have. My parents have always said that I have never met a stranger. I suppose that's true. I've always loved with all of my heart and hoped that one day I would be shown that love in return. The problem is that I've always been pretty "all or nothing" in my thinking about relationships. I love with all that I am and have rarely felt that others love me the same way. People appear to easily walk away from my life if/when they disagree with me, if my life displays conflict, or if I appear to need support or help. It seems easier for them to leave than to stick with me. I've always just figured they didn't care after all. I accepted the hurt and moved on believing I was obviously not as important to them as I had hoped. I've said things to encourage friends that were misinterpreted and lost close bonds that I had previously felt were tightly connected. I've attempted to make it right by explaining what I meant, to be shown it wasn't enough and those relationships were damaged beyond what I could see or do to fix them. I've felt I've been judged by standards that I don't always understand and am left unsure what I can do to repair these broken relationships. 

In October, I was diagnosed with cancer during a surgery to remove a large mass. The doctors had previously said that it did not appear to be cancerous, though we needed to remove the mass. My family and friends were informed of the cancer diagnosis while I was still in surgery. From the evening of the surgery, it became apparent that this diagnosis had impacted others more than I could have ever imagined. Visitors came to the hospital and to our home with tears in their eyes, to pray over me and with me, to offer support and encouragement. I received cards and flowers, dinners were provided, gift cards given for groceries, donated leave provided at work, etc. I learned that people were really impacted by the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer. I was told over and over again that they were upset that someone as "nice" as me was given this struggle and that I have such a positive attitude.

Why is all of this important to this year's word? I feel I have to learn to accept that I am in the career field God has placed me in. I need to learn to accept that God will provide the necessary skills to do the job He has placed me in. It's not up to me to do it effectively. It's up to me to accept His guidance with each client and interaction with each co-worker. I need to accept that people will not always understand me or be willing to continue relationship with me. I need to accept that people of other belief systems may not always accept me as equals in their lives and I can't or shouldn't try to make it otherwise. I would like to learn to love unconditionally and let God take care of the rest. I need to learn to accept the support of those who would like to offer support and help. I have to learn that I can't always do it myself and shouldn't try or I'll miss out on blessings in my life and allowing blessings in theirs. I need to learn how to accept this diagnosis of cancer that is now a part of my life and will always be in my vocabulary. I have to accept that a positive attitude won't fix everything, but trust in God will get me through it all, including the really scary surgery necessary to treat it. Most importantly, I need to learn to accept God's love for me. While I accept that He died on the cross for our salvation, it's not so easy to understand and fully accept His love for me as an individual. I have to accept that I don't have to try to be good enough.

This could be an interesting year. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

all contents (c) 2011-2019 Laura Inglis