What a week!!

Do you ever have weeks that are just a wild mix of emotions and experiences? That has been my experience for the past week....or maybe two. It's been interesting to say the least. 

Last week began with a colleague expressing some dissatisfaction with our work relationship and expressed his opinion in a less than professional matter, resulting in a great deal of tension in our workplace and meeting/consultations with our supervisor. Not a lot of fun. I'm a pretty die hard team player. I will do whatever I can to make our work flow, pull together, and help wherever I can. Let's just say that others....well....aren't the same. Hearing that this colleague has been saying ugly things to co-workers that are a) rude and b) not true about me is pretty gut wrenching, for sure. However, by early this week, a meeting had taken place and some things were clarified and apologies made and ACCEPTed. Let's move on with life, I say.

Speaking of work, life in community mental health has been pretty stressful as of late. We've been going through some significant changes and my team has been making plans about how to cope with work and divide my responsibilities while I'm on medical leave. I know that the surgery is necessary for my health, but it's pretty anxiety provoking to know how tough it's going to be on my team for those 2 months. Sometimes I have to ask if I should postpone the surgery until a more opportune time. Of course the questions that are raised then are 1) when would there be a more opportune time, as I'm the ONLY crisis worker in my agency so they will always have to fill my spot and 2) is work more important than my health? Hmmm....Apparently the answers are quite clear. Just take care of the surgery and move on with the healing and kicking cancer's butt. I guess I must just ACCEPT that the team will work things out and I have to focus on my health. That's tough for a team player, for sure.

If you've read some of my other posts, you might have noticed my struggle with music. Well, last year I bit the bullet and joined our church choir. Of course it was partially due to an ulterior motive. My best friend in the world is a wonderful singer and musician, but hadn't been using her gift of music. 

SO, in effort to get her back into music, I joined the choir with her. I was completely prepared to have them ask me to quiet my voice, stand in the back, or whatever form it took for them to let me know I didn't have the skill to sing in the choir. That's been my previous experience, right? Okay....evidently my preconceived idea has not come to pass. We sang in the Easter performance last year and began the 2011/2012 season last fall. Of course my best buddy had to continue on her own after my surgery and cancer diagnosis, but the choir members and leader made me promise I'd return after the first of the year when I'd healed enough. "Really? Are you sure? You still want me there? I don't get it." Last weekend we performed in several services (we belong to a rather large church that has services Saturday night and throughout Sunday morning). After a sound check, one of the women who happens to be a music teacher and has the misfortune (in my view anyway - I'm singing right in her ear) of standing next to me had a little chat with me that really humbled me and took me aback. I'm still processing her words. Mind blowing? Not really. Deep and life changing. I don't know about that....so much. But more meaningful than she could have imagined. She informed me that I have a beautiful voice and that I should never stop singing. She loved that I was standing next to her and loved hearing me sing. Then another person who stands with me commented on how touched she was when she saw me sing last year. You see....I'm pretty animated when I sing. I really enjoy worshiping my God and love the idea of leading others in worship. I just love singing praises to God and sending out His messages of love, grace, and mercy. These sweet women spoke what has been so foreign to me. But I've been so convinced that music is not my gift. How can they be right? I don't understand. How can I ACCEPT what I had totally believed was untrue and a pipe dream? Evidently I'm still processing and struggling with ACCEPTing where God has me right now with this issue.

Then tonight.....tonight. My week was able to end in such a way that fills my heart. My son has fallen for a young lady from another state through primarily online communication. He let me know recently that they are becoming quite serious and she had decided to come here to visit to see how they interact face to face. They have spent the week together and she is leaving on Sunday evening. I requested that I be able to meet this young lady that my son has become so serious about and he was more than willing to oblige. Mom had to do what only Mom's get to do, though. A home-cooked meal it is. So he requested that Mom make her famous meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, and corn for the big dinner, with chocolate cupcakes for dessert. It was such a wonderful evening. My son's new girlfriend is such a sweet girl. We all had an amazing time. My son was BEAMING in a way I have not seen in a very long time. There did not appear to be any facade or forced interaction anywhere. She engaged in conversations and joking around with everyone, including deep, personal history. She informed me that she adores my son and "you did a d*mn great job in raising him." She said that she loves how I can be a "Mama Grizzly Bear," as my kids have been known to call me. She informed me of how she can see how fiercely protective he is over his family, too. I have to say that this relationship doesn't appear to be one that I'll have trouble ACCEPTing. I still have prayers for my son's future and, if she is part of that future, for her as well. But I think it won't be hard to ACCEPT this young lady into our family.

Like I said....what a week. I guess ACCEPT continues to be the word....in a lot of situations.

I Will Not Be Moved

ONE MONTH

			March/April 2012
Sun	Mon	Tue		Wed	Thu		Fri	Sat
11	12	13		14	15		16	17
18	19	20		21	22		23	24
25	26	27		28	29		30	31
1	2	3		4	5		6	7
8	9	10		11

SO....today is March 11th. One month from today, I'll be in the hospital undergoing the BIG surgery. When I was diagnosed with appendix cancer in October, I was provided with two options. I could 1) do nothing and wait to see what the cancer does or 2) agree to do the HIPEC procedure. This type of surgery is an aggressive, risky, experimental surgery. It's the only treatment that has been shown to be effective with this type of cancer. Have you ever heard of this surgery? Very few people have. 

http://www.hipectreatment.com/documents/hipec.php


According to my surgeon, this surgery will likely always be experimental because appendix cancer is too rare for the HIPEC to be approved by the FDA as the standard of care. I've heard about people who have undergone this surgery, lasting anywhere from 6 hours up to 18 hours. The surgeon who will be performing mine says that he believes it will last from 6-8 hours based on what he has seen of my lab results and medical records. My last surgery lasted for 4-1/2 hours and I was in the hospital for 5 days. They are predicting that this time, my stay with be 7-10. From my understanding, most people are placed in ICU for a few days after the surgery, but my surgeon doesn't think I will need that level of treatment. I'm not sure how he can know that, but I'm more than happy to believe that I won't need it. 

During the past 5 months, since I was diagnosed with appendix cancer and informed that this was the only effective treatment, I knew that the date was coming. The closer the date comes, the more I find it on my mind. Friends ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling. I tell them that I'm fine. Physically I'm doing well. That's true. I think I'm pretty recovered from the last surgery. It's tough to rejoice though, about having recovered while at the same time, knowing that I'm getting ready to have another one in a month. It's interesting to me that I haven't been afraid of the cancer, but this surgery isn't producing as much calm. After my diagnosis, I began doing quite a bit of research and repeatedly happened upon this "day long," "intensive" surgery. I saw the various cancer treatments and I felt pretty strongly that this was the one procedure I didn't want to have. It was scary to me from the first time I saw it. When the oncologist said that this was the only treatment for this cancer, I saw no real option other than this. Now it's 1 month away and little by little becoming all too real.


At church this morning, I was speaking to one of our pastors. I found myself repeating what I've said several times and believe with all my heart. I know that God is in charge. I believe that I'm one of God's children and therefore I've given my life for God to use as He chooses. I don't know God's plan for this time of my life, but I do know that  His plan is always best.


"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 5:18  "


"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
Matthew 6:27


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6


"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13


One month from today.....I'll be laying on a table with my surgeon performing an experimental procedure. Will I make it out of surgery? I honestly don't know. If I do make it out of surgery, will I be able to live a normal life, no tubes, no bags, the rest of my organs still in tact? I don't know. If I make it out of surgery, will the cancer be gone? No clue. What I DO know is that God knows. HE knows what HIS plan is for my life. "God has a plan. It's a good plan. We like the plan. We just don't know what it is." My job? ACCEPT God's plan and trust that His plan is what's best for me.

REVELATION SONG

WINDOWS and MIRRORS

A friend asked me recently what insight I've gained after having been diagnosed with cancer. How my view might have changed. I really had to think about that question. Maybe it's too early. Not sure what will change as I continue down this journey, but I do know what has been placed on my heart and some of what God began working in me in the past few years. 


I began thinking about perspective. This pondering led me to realizing the similarities between mirrors and windows. They are both made out of glass, right? Mirrors have a reflective coating on the back and windows are transparent. The bottom line is that we see ourselves in a mirror and other see us through a window. The same person is seen in pieces of glass, right? Then why does the person appear different when viewed through each one? 



Have you ever had the experience of having people tell you how great you are? or how much you should work on improving this or that? The advice from people who view you through the window. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see how great you are or do you see a super long list of things you could improve on? Some people's windows are decorated to portray themselves a certain way. Some have the glass covered by a wall that they've built up and words of caution to not attempt breaking the wall down.


When some people see their own reflection, they see pretty designs in attempt to help distract from clarity as they observe themselves. If there are flowers or pretty pictures on the mirror, then maybe it will improve the view, they feel. When we focus more on the art, we don't have to look so hard at what we see in ourselves.




As Christians, we're called to be transparent in our lives. If we're living transparently, then what is viewed through the mirror and the window should be seen the same. Do we show our faults/struggles to others or to ourselves? Do we show our gifts/talents to ourselves or others? Are we transparent to others? Are we transparent to ourselves? Are we transparent to God? God sees it all anyway. Why do we hide? Can we accept the faults inside? Many of us focus on the faults. I know I tend to. That makes it more difficult to focus on the gifts and talents that may be hiding behind the glass. Why do we do that? Why is it so difficult to accept who we've been created to be? 

"I'm an open book to you; even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking.You know when I leave and when I get back; I'm never out of your sight.You know everything I'm going to say before I start the first sentence.I look behind me and you're there, then up ahead and you're there, too-your reassuring presence, coming and going." ~ Psalm 139:2-5 (MSG)

THE JOURNEY TO ACCEPTING THE HARD THINGS

Ever since I heard about the 365 day challenge, the word "ACCEPT" has been super prevalent in my life. It's amazing how that works.....and crazy how a simple challenge can introduce a word that would help define a journey unlike any others. About a year and a half ago, I felt the need to write down some thoughts to describe how I felt about much of my life. I entitled it "Never Good Enough." These thoughts are much too long to put here, but they detailed life experiences in which I never felt I was good enough and could not measure up to the standards of others, myself, or much less God. Here are some quotes.....  

          "The two things that were spoken about primarily about this girl were that she “talks all the time. She never shuts up.” And that she could sing........She continued singing at church, singing solos, joining the choir. Through the years, she was told she needed to practice more. She was told she tended to go flat. She was never chosen for parts in productions. When she asked others to sing with her for special music, there were always reasons why they couldn’t do it. Eventually she was no longer placed on the music rotation. She just wasn’t good enough. This young lady, who had previously written how important music was in her life and how she couldn’t imagine life without it, was now consistently being told that she was not good enough at the only outlet she’s ever had. Evidently she’d been lied to and been on the wrong road during her life. “Well, okay. I guess I walk away and stop singing if I’m not good enough.”   

           "This woman had 3 younger brothers who she loved a great deal. She invited them to participate in her wedding. They were her brothers, of course. Why wouldn’t she? The brother next to her had moved to Oregon.....He brought his girlfriend and future wife to visit at times. Then, when the couple became engaged, she and her family were simply invited to their wedding. Both of the younger brothers were invited to participate, but not her or her family.....She and her family were left out.....A few years later, the next brother became engaged....Once again, the brothers were invited to participate in the wedding, as was this woman’s son. A wedding had to have a ring bearer, right? She was only an invited guest, not to be involved in any way. Evidently she was still not good enough."   

                    In regards to my marriage, "After 17yrs of marriage, this marriage was undeniably damaged and likely irretrievably broken. Years of abuse, control, and emotional separation had taken their toll. The couple who had such high expectations, who were so committed to this marriage had failed at keeping it moving forward......While others could survive a marriage such as this, she wasn’t a good enough wife or mother.....While some understood the decision that was made, others simply judged her. Judged him for the abuse? No. Judged her. “You don’t just walk away from a marriage” was told to her by an associate pastor. People she thought were friends abandoned her. They didn’t know the full story. They didn’t want to know the full story. She had been told at one point, by their pastor, that she had definitely married the right man. Her husband was SO incredibly talented at so many things. The same pastor knew that he was abusive. He knew their background......She wasn’t good enough or smart enough. She was the lucky one. Somehow not good enough to be married to such a wonderful man. Poor guy."   

I think you get the picture.  These experiences continued in relationships w/ well meaning friends. They say they treasure our friendship and me as a friend, however it seems like "out of sight, out of mind." They appear to find it easy to move on with life. I guess maybe I feel I'm not good enough for a relationship with them. Why do I explain this background? I think this may help to explain my relationship with God. I've never felt I was good enough for God. I know that no one is worthy, but He loves us anyway and sent His Son to save us. Our job is to trust His will for our lives and believe that Paul was right in his letter to the church in Rome. 

          "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whot have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28 

I've always pretty well been the type of person to accept what's been handed out to me and move forward. "These are the cards I'm dealt so deal with it." I feel very deeply. I think absolutely all the time. It's been proven that my brain never (I mean NEVER) stops working....and is frequently on overdrive. I think about what I can do to help someone who's hurting. I think about what God would want me to do in a certain situation. I think about how I can do the right thing. I've often been heard to say "I want to make sure I do it right." I was raised that "if you want to do something, do it right or don't do it at all." You could say that I'm a perfectionist....with myself.....in my relationships, in my job, as a parent, and....as a child of God. I feel I have to do it right. God has been teaching me for the last while that I'll never be perfect and that He loves me anyway. He's still teaching me that. I'm a difficult student, I suppose. That’s certainly a tough thing for me to accept.

Now....the past few years, God and I have been working really hard together to get through my head that I have to accept His unconditional love for me. I know I can't earn it. I know He loves me. I get it. Honest. The feelings of not being good enough is SO EXTREMELY ingrained in me that it's super tough to work through and dig out. Talk about those recordings that won't stop playing. He's placed amazing people in my life in my home, at church, and in my workplace. They are consistently providing words of affirmation.....yet I continue to struggle accepting it. I never realized how hard this battle would be. I want to believe what they say.....but it's tough for this person who has never been good enough. 

Oh yea...we also have another kink in things.....the date for my cancer surgery has been scheduled. We met with the surgeon a week ago and he did a great job of laying out the options and odds. I have the choice of either doing nothing and see how long it takes for the cancer to grow again, as it is a slow growing, low-grade cancer. OR take the aggressive route and have the risky surgery. Well, doing nothing has never been a strong personality trait of mine. I feel that I should undergo the surgery and take care of it now rather than wait 5-10yrs and see what happens. However.....I'm also not one who is much of a risk taker. This makes for a struggle in my heart.  I guess this is part of the whole "accepting" thing and trusting that God will work His plan in my life. Part of that means that I have to accept what could happen in this surgery. What if I'm one of those who doesn't make it through the day-long surgery? What if there are consequences that alter my life? What if? What will happen to those around me if the unforeseen occurs? What about my children? How will they handle it? How will I have been a witness of God's love? How will I be remembered? "Lord, I'm not ready yet. I know we're supposed to want to go Home, but....I don't feel I've completed the job you sent me here to do." How do I accept all of this? Will I have been "good enough"?  

          "...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:37-39 

          "...the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:25-27 

             "Then Jesus said to his disciples:  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:22-26 

SO.....accept.....that I don't have to be good enough, that God wants to give me peace, and that I should not fear what is to come. Did I mention this journey could be pretty interesting? 

all contents (c) 2012-2019 Laura Inglis

Challenges and Change

Do you ever have times when it seems like you can't do anything right? Times when you say something to someone to encourage them and it backfires.....then the friendship becomes uncomfortable or no longer existant? Times when you feel like God is giving you a direction and you get all excited about it, only to find a STOP or a YIELD sign in front of you? Is the plan still ahead, just further ahead than you thought? Was I wrong in where I thought I was going? Did God change the plan for some reason?

It seems like the last few years of my life have been full of change. Some of which have resulted in a great deal of hurt and some have been wonderful change. My marriage of 17yrs ended mutually. I was able to return to school and learn ASL, then earn both my BA and Master's degrees. My son graduated from high school after some tumultuous teen years and has been trying to find his way in life since. I have finally discovered a fulfilling career. Of course there was also the calling that God gave me into Deaf ministry. Learning ASL was an incredible challenge, as was earning my degrees. Pretty amazing stuff for someone who was a stay at home wife and mother for 12yrs. I completely believed that my job was solely to be a wife and mother. Nothing else. Fortunately my dear friend believed differently and was such a support to me as I finally came to the realization that there was more for my life after my marriage ended. I'm sure convincing me of that was a bigger challenge for her than she ever thought possible. I'm glad God gave her the stamina to fight with me as I struggled with those changes.

Then, to top it all off, the doctors discovered last October that I have a very rare appendix cancer. Yep. Cancer. So, let's take a look at this. I'm a housewife/mother for most of my adult life then am called into Deaf Ministry and return to college. I struggle and strain, eventually earn my degrees while being a single mom, then enter the career God sent me into. Find a job that suits me well and that I love more than I imagined. God plants a goal into my heart about my future, so I start looking ahead, planning, preparing.....then comes the screeching halt and the time to re-evaluate most everything. Cancer....okay....well....what does that mean? What does that say for my future? I've watched my son become a young adult. My daughter is still in her teens. Don't they still need their mom around? Will I be there as they find their way in life? Why did I have to spend so much time in school and developing my career if I was going to die a few years into it? Wait a minute. Cancer doesn't always go hand in hand with death. Is this just another challenge in my life? I know we're not supposed to worry about tomorrow and I get that, but I do believe we're supposed to plan ahead to be wise in and with what we are given.

I've discovered myself pondering the word "accept" the last week or so. I've found myself responding to various conflict at work and in my personal life with a comment such as "I know it's something I don't agree with, but I accept that I can't do anything about it so I will choose not to fight this battle." Or maybe "I wish this conflict was able to be resolved in this friendship, but I've already clarified and apologized for anything I may have said wrong. I'm just going to accept that there is nothing else I can do. It's his/her call. Not mine at this point, even though I wish there was something else I could do." And of course there is the whole cancer thing. I do struggle with the intense, experimental surgery that is in my near future. It's the only treatment that has been shown to be effective for appendix cancer and it can be scary to think about. I have to accept that it is the only option to fight this and trust that God is going to fulfill His plan. I wish I knew the future, but I don't. The word "accept" is looking to be a tough word for me. I pray that it's not so tough as the year moves forward.

all contents (c) 2011-2019 Laura Inglis

Word of the Year

                    "ACCEPT"

Pick one word to focus on for the year (http://oneword365.com/). I was reading a blog post (http://cowgirlinadress.blogspot.com/2011/12/one-word.html) of a special young lady where she linked to this blog and announced that her word of the year is honesty. I began pondering what word I would choose if I participated in this challenge. At first I thought I'd pick "choose," considering the many decisions I must make this year. As I considered the word "choose," I began to realize that "accept" might be a more appropriate word. 

2011 was a year of many emotions and challenges for me. I began a new position as a crisis specialist at my job in July 2010. Within a few months, I was informed that I was at risk for being laid off due to County budget cuts. I was completely amazed at the reaction of my co-workers. I constantly heard from so many who were upset that it was possible that I would lose my job and no longer be in my agency. Everyone from colleagues to administration were seeking other positions to keep me employed there. Quite humbling, for sure. As the year ended, it became revealed that I was able to keep my job and I spent the beginning of 2011 amazed that I had kept this job that I loved so much. I had been afraid that I would not measure up in this position, though was repeatedly informed at how well I fit in the position. I'm constantly afraid of failing and not offering the correct services or enough support for my clients and fellow staff. Falling on my face has always been a large fear, especially when it could cost someone their life.

For much of my life, I prayed that God would give me a job, and would make use of my life. Ultimately, in 2007, I graduated with my BA in Social Work and then earned a Masters Degree in Social Work in 2008. To some degree, I still feel new and frequently inept in the field. I still have a lot of experience to obtain before I feel I will be skilled enough to do this with confidence. I love that God called me to the field of social work and crisis services. I love my job. I hope that one day I can feel proficient. This year, I earned my social work license. How did that happen? I'm not skilled enough for that. Am I in over my head? I pray that God give me the words to say and the ability to accurately assess the situations in my personal and professional lives.

I have many relationships with people in my life.I always have. My parents have always said that I have never met a stranger. I suppose that's true. I've always loved with all of my heart and hoped that one day I would be shown that love in return. The problem is that I've always been pretty "all or nothing" in my thinking about relationships. I love with all that I am and have rarely felt that others love me the same way. People appear to easily walk away from my life if/when they disagree with me, if my life displays conflict, or if I appear to need support or help. It seems easier for them to leave than to stick with me. I've always just figured they didn't care after all. I accepted the hurt and moved on believing I was obviously not as important to them as I had hoped. I've said things to encourage friends that were misinterpreted and lost close bonds that I had previously felt were tightly connected. I've attempted to make it right by explaining what I meant, to be shown it wasn't enough and those relationships were damaged beyond what I could see or do to fix them. I've felt I've been judged by standards that I don't always understand and am left unsure what I can do to repair these broken relationships. 

In October, I was diagnosed with cancer during a surgery to remove a large mass. The doctors had previously said that it did not appear to be cancerous, though we needed to remove the mass. My family and friends were informed of the cancer diagnosis while I was still in surgery. From the evening of the surgery, it became apparent that this diagnosis had impacted others more than I could have ever imagined. Visitors came to the hospital and to our home with tears in their eyes, to pray over me and with me, to offer support and encouragement. I received cards and flowers, dinners were provided, gift cards given for groceries, donated leave provided at work, etc. I learned that people were really impacted by the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer. I was told over and over again that they were upset that someone as "nice" as me was given this struggle and that I have such a positive attitude.

Why is all of this important to this year's word? I feel I have to learn to accept that I am in the career field God has placed me in. I need to learn to accept that God will provide the necessary skills to do the job He has placed me in. It's not up to me to do it effectively. It's up to me to accept His guidance with each client and interaction with each co-worker. I need to accept that people will not always understand me or be willing to continue relationship with me. I need to accept that people of other belief systems may not always accept me as equals in their lives and I can't or shouldn't try to make it otherwise. I would like to learn to love unconditionally and let God take care of the rest. I need to learn to accept the support of those who would like to offer support and help. I have to learn that I can't always do it myself and shouldn't try or I'll miss out on blessings in my life and allowing blessings in theirs. I need to learn how to accept this diagnosis of cancer that is now a part of my life and will always be in my vocabulary. I have to accept that a positive attitude won't fix everything, but trust in God will get me through it all, including the really scary surgery necessary to treat it. Most importantly, I need to learn to accept God's love for me. While I accept that He died on the cross for our salvation, it's not so easy to understand and fully accept His love for me as an individual. I have to accept that I don't have to try to be good enough.

This could be an interesting year. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

all contents (c) 2011-2019 Laura Inglis