Relationships are "funny" things....

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately....Actually for a long while. Relationships come in all sorts of forms. There are parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, romantic relationships, marital relationships, friend relationships, acquaintance relationships, professional relationships. and the list goes on and on. With each of these relationships, along comes various dynamics and conflicts. We've all heard about sibling rivalries, jealousy between parents and children, conflict between spouses, and co-dependent or enmeshed relationships. 

We also see relationships with healthy boundaries. Relationships that consist in clear and open communication. When I was in college and graduate school, the idea of boundaries and self-care in relationships was taught over and over, again and again, by all professors and in all aspects of our education. One professor encouraged us to assure that our needs were satisfied in our personal lives so we were less likely to fall into unhealthy relationships in our roles as social workers. Now that I have been in the professional world for several years, I understand the warnings more clearly. When people you have worked with are stripped of their clinical privileges, it is very shocking and upsetting for all involved. 

In this post, I would like to address more intimate relationships. These are relationships within families and/or friends. In my life, I have experienced a myriad of intimate relationships with my siblings, parents, ex-husband, children, and close friends. I would like to be able to say that these were healthy relationships with good boundaries and healthy communication, but that was not the case in many of them. I was raised in a family that appeared more authoritarian than not and we were discouraged from evaluating our feelings. A family in which obedience was the word, not talking about our feelings. I never knew what boundaries were. I only knew how to be obedient. Then I married a man who was also not "feelings" observant, so we ended up in an unhealthy relationship and ultimately divorcing many years later. Oddly enough, my children will tell you that my primary lesson in their upbringing was communication. More than anything, I wanted to have an open relationship with my children and wanted them to know that they were able to come to me with and about anything and everything. Now that they are young adults, I would like to say that this has been a successful venture. They each have their struggles, however they will both say that we have an open, honest relationship in which we have a lot of respect for one another. I am pleased with that. 

With my parents, our relationship is more surface in nature. I'm kind of the odd duck in my family, as I prefer reality in relationships and feel completely disconnected when there is limited communication. Much of my family of origin is similar to that as well as extended family. Through the years, I have learned that people find me deep, almost intensely so, and anything but surface. The few people who know me well, know that I require loyalty, openness, and honesty. I don't like to play games. I don't do well when someone pulls back from me, and then likes to pretend to be a close friend. Some might say that I am all or nothing in these close relationships. 

To complicate things, my primary love language is words of affirmation. One thing that many people don't realize is that love languages can be used to express love, cause harm, and can be withheld. For instance, if someone experiences love with the love language of physical touch, they are the child who does not do well with spanking as a discipline. They are the person who loves snuggling and feels neglected when touch is withheld. For me, growing up in a home like mine, I was considered a talker. A person who rambled and had a difficult time shutting up. As I grew up, when I realized that my language is words of affirmation, I understood that much of the reason I talked so much was because I was searching for love and affection from those around me. 

Now, let's fast forward to my adult world. I have found relationships to be quite interesting. Being an extrovert, I am energized by being around people and in relationships. This often leads to many friendships, some long lasting, others brief acquaintances, and everywhere in between. I have experienced close friendships in which we are like family, friendships that are more surface, friendships that exist due to them being friends of friends/family, and short-term friendships. I have friends who have been with me through so many stages of life. Friends who sat with me or in the waiting room of hospitals (whether it was me or family members who were patients), helped me raise my children, spent hours on the telephone (chatting, crying, laughing), were with me during the births of my children, held me accountable for life decisions, prayed with me and for me, met me for coffee, etc, etc... I have cherished these relationships more than the friends could ever know. I would like to think that I was there as well for some of my friends during their times of need. 

We have all heard the quote "people come into your lives for a reason, season, and/or a lifetime." Something that I worked on in my learning to "return" last year is returning my relationships to God. My prayer is that God return to me whatever He wants me to have. At the beginning of this post, I said that I have been pondering relationships for a long while.A post I wrote a long time ago was about feeling I am not good enough. One of the things that causes the feelings of not being good enough are the words used by others when they describe me, speak to me, or withhold from me. 

In pondering relationships, I look at relationships with people whom I considered close friends or family. Some of these people whom I cherish have appeared to move on with their lives. Communication has gradually been withheld from me. Over the past couple of years, there have been less and less attempts at communication towards and with me. They will engage in relationships with others, but not me. They communicate with others, hang out, schedule time together, go on day trips, become involved with their lives, have phone conversations, etc. I have been feeling like I am not a priority in these relationships. Then, of course, this gives the evil one the opportunity to hurl darts my direction and remind me that these people are moving on without me, don't need me, and have ended the season of the relationship. I'm not good enough to be in a relationship for a lifetime, right? I'm not worth their time and energy.

Please note that I do understand, after being on this journey of accepting, resting and returning, that my worth is not determined by the view of other people. It does, however, still hurt to think that those who I've loved so dearly have moved me down the list of priorities. People who once said they loved being in relationship with me choose to move on to bigger and better relationships. Communicate my pain to these people, you suggest? I have attempted to do so with some of these relationships and through the years. The end result has been that they say I victimize and lash out at them. I am verbally attacked, called names, and relationships are ended whether it is with family or friends. What do you do when you are no longer a priority to someone? How do you handle the fact that they would rather walk away than show love? That they would prefer to withhold your love language? Maybe this is all part of the journey I am on to learn how to see myself through God's lens. I sure wish the journey wasn't quite so painful for all involved. Not funny at all. 


                                                                                              all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Starting my JOURNEY through 2015

Each year I hear about New Year's resolutions and each year I hear people say that they failed to complete the year with the resolution still in tact. Several years ago, I was introduced to One Word 365, which encourages people to focus on one word for the year instead of a list of resolutions. I feel like this has been an amazing experience. At the end of each year, I spend much time in prayer, asking God to tell me which word He would like for me to focus on. This year, I feel like God has told me to focus on the word "JOURNEY." 


My previous years' words have entailed "accepting," "resting," and "returning" so hearing that the word for 2015 is "journey" definitely peaked my interest. According to my friend, Google, the definition of journey is "an act of traveling from one place to another" and "a long and often difficult process of personal change and development." In the verb form, it can be used to describe "making one's way." Some Scriptures I found about journeys are:

"The Lord said to Abram, 'Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.'"             ~ Genesis 12:1-2

"Then they said to him, 'Please inquire of God so we will know if we will have a successful journey.' The priest told him, 'Go in peace. The Lord is watching over the journey you are going on.'" ~ Judges 18:5-6

"Only a few years will pass before I take the path of no return." ~ Job 16:22

"The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything."                                                                           ~ Deuteronomy 2:7

"who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go."   ~ Deuteronomy 1:33

Then I found some interesting quotes:

 "Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home."     ~ Matsuo Basho

 "Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination."   ~ Drake

 "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."       ~ Lao Tzu






And, of course I can't have a post about journeying without the verse God gave me so long ago. This verse often reminds me of where God is calling me to be and that He is always there with me. 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" 
                       ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13








Well, I'm not really sure where this year will find me, however, if this year is anything at all like the past few, the journey will be pretty interesting. I will do everything I can do make sure I gather pictures and souvenirs from the trip. 

 

 

                                                                                                all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Pondering My Year of Returning

So......it is now the end of 2014 and, as seems to be the theme for this time of year, I have been reflecting on the past year. The word God gave me for 2014 was RETURN. I have spent much of the year, focusing on returning everything back to God. My attempt was to give everything back to Him and only accept what God gave back to me. It may sound like an odd venture, but focusing on that has certainly helped keep my attitude in a different place.

It has been more than six months since I last blogged. This is because my life has been incredibly busy. As I write this particular post I am in Hood River, Oregon on a much needed vacation. When I last posted in this blog, I had just given my final notice at a job that I loved, where I was working with people who had become great friends, and was hired by a local hospital emergency room. Since June, I have been working night shifts each week, building my private practice, singing in the church choir, and learning how to be a mom to two young adults. It is such a new experience for me to have adult children. I'm still processing that change so will likely discuss that in a later post. As for now, I believe I have begun to understand why God gave me the word "RETURN" to work on for 2014.

Stepping out of my comfort zone in my professional world has been quite the challenge. I am learning how to adapt to working in a medical field, which has been a good experience for me. My private practice continues to grow in ways that amaze me and I have been given the honor to work with people who allow me into their lives, work with their children, and in their marriages. I constantly have to remember to return my career to God so I stay in line with His goal for this world where He has called me to go.

As far as my personal life, learning to return every aspect has begun to become a coping mechanism. Returning my finances, my relationships, and my health to God helps me stay more focused on God's will for my life than my frequently poor judgment. Trusting that God has a plan when finances are tight, that health concerns are controlled only by God, and that the relationship to keep focused on is my relationship with God are all definitely goals to keep in mind. Previously, when I would feel hurt in my relationships with family or friends, I would translate that into my own self worth. In returning these situations to God, I am learning to not allow other people to have that much power in my life. My self-worth is more appropriately evaluated through God's lens, not the lens of others. Boundary setting at it's best. 

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart."                                                                                                                                        ~ Jeremiah 24:7

An interesting side note as also occurred in focusing on returning everything to God. I have found myself becoming more focused on gratitude. In the midst of returning people, situations, and decisions to God I realize that I feel thankful for God's GPS system and the circumstances He allows. Pretty productive year, I do believe. I sure wonder what 2015 will hold as I consider my "JOURNEY."

"Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us as the winter rains, like the spring rains that waters the earth." ~ Hosea 6:3

                                                                                            all contents (c) 2014 Laura Inglis

PEACEFUL PROGRESS

This evening, my best friend and I decided to head off to the movies. We don't do that very often. Both of us are normally pretty worn out from slam packed days. I have been working regularly at my private practice that keeps growing ever so steadily and continuing to work my last remaining days at the community mental health agency. She has been applying for jobs, piecing together slight income from small part time jobs and beginning her own private tutoring business. Our household has also undergone a fairly dramatic lifestyle change that is helping each of us to feel better, drop some unwanted pounds, and attempt to take much improved care of our bodies. Fortunately my bestie has been home more often and has been willing to do most of the cooking and food preparation for our home so all three of us are able to persevere through this change. My daughter and I are so totally blessed that we have such an amazing roomie.

So I digress. As we were leaving the theater (yes, we splurged at the snack bar in the theater, but one is allowed that once in a while, right?), I felt an overwhelming since of peace come over me. I began thinking about my life and where I am sitting right now. I remembered the words God said to me at the beginning of this year. He said that we were done trudging through the tunnel we had been in for such an incredibly long time and were about to see the fruits of our labor. We were heading for the light at the end of the tunnel. Funny. I had been too busy struggling and surviving for such a long time that I had not even noticed that I was trudging through life until He used those words to me. Then I realized that was right. I had been trudging and that is why I had been so weary and worn. I have been struggling to learn how to accept, to rest, and now return. 

Career changes have been a HUGE part of my recent journey. After I gave notice at my full time job, I agreed to work part-time until they found my replacement. This gave me more time to continue building my practice, yet did not leave my team in a lurch. After a couple of weeks, I felt I needed to give my final notice, which I did. During the same week I felt I needed to give notice, another opportunity fell in my lap. I had been attempting for several years to find a job as a hospital ER social worker, though was continually denied due to lack of medical experience. I finally stopped looking, as I figured this was not meant to be. To make a long story short, a friend/colleague encouraged me to apply for an available ER job. This job would go hand in hand with my private practice and would provide me stable income, benefits, access to numerous resources in the same county where my private practice is at, and remain current in the social work field. I had not been looking at all for this, yet applied and was offered the job immediately after my interview. An on the spot job offer has only happened one other time in my life 23 years ago. Amazing.

The job offer, as exciting as it was, was not the most amazing part of this process for me. I have always (yes always) been a person who has lacked the self confidence to speak about my strengths with confidence. Sell myself in an interview? Gulp. Okay. I can try. This time? Well, I had given the decision to God. Completely. If I was hired, fine. If I wasn't hired? That's okay, too. The interview was not stressful. I was able to answer the questions about my skill set, experience, strengths, goals, etc with confidence. I had returned the interview results over to God. 100%. And, of course, He did not fail. He gave me exactly what I needed, including the peace about His decision, no matter what that was.

My daughter is graduating from high school next weekend. My second child. My baby. My only daughter. My son graduated five years ago and that was incredible. This is my last one. She made it through and I am done parenting. I will always be their mom. Always. I will always be there for them to offer advice when requested, guidance, support, love, etc. BUT I am no longer responsible for their decisions. It is now time for me to be responsible for myself. Just me. What an odd thought. All of my adult life, I have been responsible for my (ex) husband or my children. For the first time since I was 18 years old, I am responsible only for myself. I also realized that I am so tired of trying to live up to the expectations of other people in my life. I want to live the way I believe God is telling me to live. 

One of the other things that came with the wave of peace was the realization that I am happy with my life. Financially strapped with the job changes? Sure. Nervous about starting the new job? Absolutely. Sad to be leaving my friends, colleagues, and clients who I have worked with for so long? For sure. However, I am learning to actually like myself. I like that I can choose for myself what I want for my life, where I want to go, who I want to be with, etc. As I was realizing all of this, the words from God came back to me. I am not trudging anymore. I CAN see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then a passage of Scripture came to me.

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." ~ Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)

A peace that passes all understanding. WOW!! What an indescribable feeling. All of the work God has done in my life is finally getting through this thick skull of mine. I am pretty excited to see what He has in store next. A dear friend mentioned to me the other night that my faith would not be as strong as it is right now without my cancer history. You know what? He's partially right. It took more than just the cancer to build my faith. It took the many years of trudging to get through the tunnel I have been in for so many years. Was it worth it for the peace that I have right now? For me? You betcha.

What about you? Is trudging worth it for you to reach the peaceful place? Are you willing to plug through, knowing this is what's on the other side? I sure hope so. It is an AWESOME place to be. I would like to think that I am that much closer to being able to sit at my Father's feet, or even in His lap. Maybe that's the next step.

Giving it Back to God

As I try to spend this year returning everything to God, I realize that means I have to focus on Him to be sure I don't hold onto what I need to give back. I heard this song this evening and thought it was a great one to keep in mind and figured it may touch some of your hearts like it did mine. It's not about me. It's ALL about Him.

Lesson in Learning How to Trust

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here. The last time I did, I was in a confusing place, questioning where I was at in this journey. I believed I was following the path laid out for me, but I felt lost, as things were not clear. Well, apparently I just needed to wait a bit longer for my private practice to begin moving forward. At this point, I have hit the place when I feel I have to either "fish or cut bait." I need to either be able to focus on this ministry where God has called me, or remain in the "safe place" at the agency where I have spent nearly seven years of my life. I really felt called to leave my full time job and focus on the agency God has been setting up. I have been averaging 7-9 clients a week after working a full day at the other job, both locations separated by over 30 miles. It has been a journey for certain, however I find myself incredibly excited about what God has in store for Serenity Hope Counseling.


That said, reality and practicality pop into my head in the form of (as is so frequently the case) finances. I am unable to live off of the money I am earning in the private practice, plus there is the overhead, and the fact that I will have to pay for my own health insurance. Wow. Okay. Well, God will take care of it, if He is calling me to it, right? Now enter the fact that my daughter is preparing to graduate from high school this year, resulting in the fact that her father will begin easing off of the child support. I have been amazingly fortunate in that he offered to cut down the support in chunks so I won't lose all of it at one time. He will take a portion each year over the next four years. Trust me. For this, I am SO grateful. That said, each chunk is a chunk out of our budget, while I will be losing my "guaranteed" income at my job. And now shall we add to it that our roommate has just lost her job. She is a teacher and may not be employed again until fall. She pays 1/3 of our household bills as well as her own debt. 

"Lord, are you really calling me to leave my job? Can we really afford to live on no stable income?"

We have asked our prayer warrior friends and support system to join us in prayer. I have resigned from my full time position as I feel I was instructed. Now I sit and ask God for confirmation and wonder how this will all play out. Remember that my word for 2014 was to RETURN? I felt I was told I needed to consistently return everything to God and make use of what He gave back to me. Oh. Right. Got it. Easy? Not a chance. In January, as I struggled with feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I returned my practice to God and have continued to do so. Part of returning the practice is returning my career. What about my finances? What about the future of our home and family? Yep. I must return this. 

In August, God laid this song on my heart that continued to follow me. A song that pleads for God to teach me how to trust without borders. To keep my eyes always on my Savior. This has consistently been my prayer over the past several months.

   Recently, this song has begun to speak to me as well. 

Do I believe that God is in control? Do I believe that He will return to me everything He wants for me to have? Do I believe enough that I will return everything to Him? This morning, I was reading a book by an author and speaker who I absolutely find amazing. Andy Andrews has a way of telling stories unlike anyone I have ever heard. This is a passage from his book, The Noticer Returns.

"Do you think Jones is lost?" Christy asked. 

"No," Baker said. "No, I don't."

"You are correct," came a voice from the darkness. And when they looked, Jones was less than ten feet from them. His flashlight must have been in his pocket because the old man was very close, yet they had not seen him. There were general comments from the three, but it was not a joyful welcome. They were relieved he was there, but they weren't certain if they were happy with him. 

"How long have you been here?" Sealy demanded. "How long have you been standing right here?" 

"The whole time," Jones admitted. 

"That's not true," Christy said accusingly. "You left us alone out here."        "No, I didn't," Jones replied. "I was around. I always am."  

..............

Jones waited for anyone else to speak up. When no one did, he brushed off a place on the ground, eased to one knee, and asked, "So...what are you going to do?" There was still no response. "Maybe now's the time to quit and go back the way you came. You know for sure what's behind you. It can't be any worse... On the other hand, you have no clue what lies ahead." He cocked his head and smiled mysteriously. "And it could get a lot worse. Truly, you don't know whether this thorny chaos will last five more minutes or five more hours." 

He stood up and addressed the three of them. "As I said, you were never alone. In fact, my eyes have been on you at every moment. Less than thirty minutes ago, when this particular part of your journey began, you were close enough to me that, had you asked, I would have held your hand or even carried you. "At the beginning I asked you to do one thing. As you stepped into the unknown, I issued a single, very simple instruction. That instruction, as casual and unimportant as it might have sounded to you only half an hour ago, continues even now to be the critical component that will determine your future, which begins with the success or failure of tonight's adventure." 

Jones looked carefully at the three people before him. They were damaged and dirty, exhausted and wary, but he loved them even when they ignored him or rejected his efforts to help as they had done this evening. With a patient smile the old man simply explained the path they had chosen and the immediate results that choice had produced. 

"Ignoring my instruction, your minds quite naturally drifted from the safety that wise counsel can provide. Of course, your physical actions quickly followed, and just that quickly" - Jones snapped his fingers - "you were in trouble. Darkness commands an inordinate amount of attention from a person who is unprepared and unprotected. Attention to darkness produces doubt. When a person is distracted and weakened by struggles, doubt whispers a message logically urging surrender; and soon, that person's focus is on his own discomfort, his fear and anger, regret and resentment. That is precisely what happened with you," Jones noted. "'Follow me,' I said. It was my only request. When you did not, the inevitable occurred, and you lost sight of me completely. To you, it seemed as though I were not there at all. Yet, even then, had you only stopped to call my name, I would have made my presence known, and your vision - your vision that sees even in the darkness - would have returned." 

Without a glance away from them, Jones pointed in the direction of the bay. "For I know well the plans I have made for you," he said. "These are plans to prosper you - not to allow harm to come to you - but plans to give you hope and an incredible future." Jones picked up his duffel bag. "So let's try this again, shall we? Follow me," he said and turned as if to go. Incredibly, still, the three hesitated, glancing nervously at each other.

"Where are we going?" Baker asked. "Son," Jones said with a sigh, "if we leave right now, all will be well. But if you continue to question everything I say, you will not accomplish anything. Is it not enough that you know I would not get you up in the middle of the night and bring you through all of this without some purpose?" 

Baker was in pain. His wife was bleeding. Christy was in no better shape. "Jones...I just don't understand." "Yes, I know that you don't," Jones replied, "but it's an odd thing you've been unable to grasp...See, I'm not requiring you to understand. I am simply urging you to obey. For it is only when you obey that, eventually, you begin to understand." 

Jones gestured for them to come close. When they had gathered in a tight group, the old man pointed in the direction of the wind and spoke. "The bay is there. You did not know how close you were when you quit. There is still time. There is more difficult terrain to traverse. Yes, before you are out of this wilderness, you might stumble, and you may fall. But listen to me...you make it to that bay even if you have to crawl.

"Every step you take is a step of faith. If you can't see in front of you, walk on, and just believe. Don't despair. Whisper words of prayer. And when you get there..." Jones shook his head, laughing softly. Placing his arms around them, he squeezed and finished what he was about to say. "When you get there, the miracle, I promise, will be waiting in the water." 

~ Andy Andrews, The Noticer Returns (p. 198-201, (c) 2013)




I am constantly in AWE of the way God knows just the right message and timing to speak to my heart. He only wants me to follow Him. He wants me to take the steps of faith without taking my eyes away from His.

One more thing that happened last night. After asking some friends to pray for our home during these current struggles and fears, one of my friends chose to add some perspective with her prayers. Earlier this month I underwent my second annual CT scan to check on the status of my abdominal area and any possible recurrence of the appendix cancer. At the same time these struggles began in earnest, I was given the word that I remain cancer free. My friend's words of reminder also caused me to recall an incident only a week prior to my check-up. My 18 year old daughter experienced a car malfunction at night that could have been a devastating accident. The bottom line was that this new driver was driving highway speed at night, alone, when her car ended up spinning out of control, stopping sideways in the fast lane with cars coming towards her. Without going into too many details, she was not hit, experienced the kindness of a stranger who stopped to check on her, and was ultimately able to drive away in one piece. God took His hands, guided her car safely and protected anyone from hitting her. He took care of my daughter, HIS daughter. Both of these add quite a bit of perspective to current life circumstances... as well as my take away. ACCEPT, REST, RETURN, TRUST, and OBEY. What a year 2014 looks to be.

How do we know.....?

Have you ever followed a path that you felt led to follow, only to find yourself feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? Does everyone who joins Dorothy and her friends on the yellow brick road find themselves chatting with the wizard in the Emerald City? Does everyone who chats with the wizard make their way home by clicking their heels together?

When I went to college to earn my degree, I was told by many people in the Deaf community that there is no one in this particular county who provided counseling in their language. I felt drawn to this community and my heart ached to see so many deaf people unable to receive counseling in sign language. Deaf people and sign language interpreters alike encouraged me through my studies, with a goal of earning my degree and becoming a trained therapist so I would be able to meet this need.

I have always had a passion for people who were abused. I felt a connection with women and children who experienced domestic violence. When I was fresh out of high school, a freshman in the local state college, my goal was to work with abused and neglected children. As life moved on, I became a married woman and raised children of my own, I learned to relate to parents as well as their children. Why would someone hit their child? Sometimes power and control is a survival technique. Sometimes life becomes so stressful and chaotic, that the harm is accidental. There are many reasons for the violence, believe it or not. I don't believe that a parent, husband, wife, or child wakes up one morning and decides to become an abuser. I believe there are other reasons yet to be discovered. I want to work with those who are trying to heal from these experiences. 

As I began my career in community mental health, I found that my passion is not only for the Deaf community and for domestic violence survivors. I am also drawn to people who are hurting, considering suicide, depressed or anxious. Oddly enough, I heard from friends who have known me since childhood that they have never been surprised that I became a therapist, much less a crisis specialist. They told me that I have always been the person in our community who people were drawn to when they needed someone to talk to. Imagine my surprise. I never knew that.

After working in community mental health for several years, earning my license, and, as one of our directors informed me, built a solid foundation for my career, I felt it was time for me to move on. I applied for many jobs in the county in which I had so long felt I was supposed to establish myself. I was interviewed for several jobs, though was not offered any of them. 

Within the past year, the idea of setting up my own private practice was suggested by a friend and colleague of mine. The year involved working with my family and friends to come up with a name, finding an office space, and doing the rest of the things required to establish a business. Much time, money, energy, and prayers have been spent setting this up. I have been so incredibly excited to finally meet the need that had so long been discussed. The perfect office space was rented, furniture purchased and arranged, business license and malpractice insurance received, website created, and business cards passed out. 

One would think that the next stop on the journey would be the phone calls from all of these clients who I was told were in need of my services. Right? That's what I thought, too. This is my third month with the office space. My third month with a business license. My third month with no clients asking for my services. I have found myself on the yellow brick road. There are people around me giving me ideas (directions, if you will). I follow these directions, to find myself no closer to my destination. Imagine everywhere you look, you see a maze of yellow bricks, with no idea which direction to go. 

The one thing I can still see is my current job. The place where they have all been sad to know I may be leaving. The place where they were such an amazing support to me during my health crisis a couple of years ago. Am I supposed to stay there? What were all of these dead end job applications, job interviews, and failed attempts to set up this practice leading me to? How do we know which direction to follow? At this point I have signed a one year lease with no way to get out of it. A phone contract for two years that would be quite expensive to cancel. Maybe this is one of those areas where God is teaching me to assure that I return this to Him. Maybe I need to take all ten fingers off and let God do what He wants to do, guide me where He wants me to go. 

"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God..... Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." ~ Psalm 25:1-6

What does 2014 hold for me?

2014 will be the third year that I have participated in OneWord365. In the first year, my word was ACCEPT and I went on a journey learning to accept myself, my health, and support from others, among other things. Last year, my word was REST and I began learning to move forward in my life, leaning on God, resting on my faith in His Word. Sometimes we have to make decisions based only on our knowledge that we are doing the right thing, even when we are unable to see around the corner. As I have traveled the journey of accepting and resting, I find myself needing to learn how to RETURN.

In researching the word “return,” I found a few definitions that were interesting:

 “To go or come back, as to a former place, position, or state; to revert to a former owner; to revert or recur, as in thought or discourse, to make a reply or retort; to put, bring, take, give, or send back to the original or proper place, position, etc; to send or give back in reciprocation, recompense, or requital”

When I first felt that “return” was supposed to be my word, I wondered what in the world that meant. After pondering it and researching a bit, all of a sudden it made sense after the years I have had trying to focus on accepting and resting.  I don’t know about you, but I struggle with making decisions and going about life changes. As things become quite complicated, I find myself often fighting an inward battle. I try to figure out which direction I am supposed to go, what changes I am called to make, what am I to embrace and what am I to let go of. How do I distinguish the difference between embracing my thoughts and desires from God’s instructions and plans for my life?

I have often heard the phrase “give it (struggles, prayer requests, etc) up to God and take all ten fingers off.” The point is stop trying to take control over something that we are asking God to take care of. I have difficulty trying to determine what is letting go of control and what is walking away, becoming passive.

Some of my struggles right now involve my private practice that is taking much longer than I believed it would, causing me to question if my decision to go out on my own was my desire or God’s instruction. Did I do what I was called to do? I thought I was instructed to place music back in my life, however I seem to have hit a dead end. Was I coerced into that decision because I really did want it back or was God really asking me to step back out in faith? How about my health? Is the cancer really gone or will it pop back up again? There are so many other places in my life where I question if I am “hearing” God correctly. 

How do I know which direction to go?

         “Pray that the Lord Your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do.” 

                                                                                                                         ~ Jeremiah 42:3

From my current understanding on the first day of this New Year, it appears that I will be learning how to return these thoughts and ideas to God. If they are truly from Him, He owns them. He will once again give to me what He wants me to have. I don’t know what this will look like, though I am interested in knowing what my reports will look like throughout the year.

      “But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.”                                                                                                                                     ~ Micah 7:7

End of 2013 - Coming to terms with RESTing

Well, my word for 2013 has been REST. It has certainly been an interesting year for that word. It actually feels as though my world has involved everything except resting. At the beginning of the year, I believed that I was going to learn how to rest and find something resembling relaxation and physical rest in my life. As the year progressed, however, I discovered that the word REST for me this year had little to do with relaxing. Let me explain.

Throughout the year, I became increasingly involved in the Creative Arts Ministry at my church. I was singing in the choir and was a substitute worship team member. My church reinstated the Deaf Ministry and I committed to interpreting the praise and worship portion of the services as well as interpreting a few other times as requested. Watching this ministry become active again has been an amazing joy. I spent numerous days completing my continuing education credit units to maintain my clinical social work license.  My family took a couple of day trips to the mountains. We enjoyed hiking and taking numerous photos of God’s handiwork that is like no other. I have lived near both Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier for over 20 years and had only spent limited time on Mt. Rainier and, until now, had never gone to Mt. St. Helens.

Last but not least, I felt that God was calling me to begin a private practice, providing talk therapy and mental health evaluations in a part of the area that has limited counseling services. Part of the plan has been to coordinate with local churches to offer this ministry to people who come into the churches in crisis. Another group I am focusing on is the Deaf community. I have always heard that there is an amazing need for them to have a therapist who can provide therapy in sign language. I have spent the past few months setting up this practice  with the anticipation of building it until I am able to leave my current position and turn this into my full time job. It has taken a great deal of work and I am incredibly excited about this opportunity.

As I write this blog and think about how it sounds, I realize that it sounds quite exciting, however let me explain where the word REST has come into play. As this busy year carried forth, I began to realize that a definition for rest is also leaning on someone or something, trusting that you will be held. I have learned how difficult it is for me to depend on others, including my God. Yes, I believe He is my Father and I believe I tend to do relatively well on the idea of being obedient to His call, however I realize that I tend to try to do it all on my own and lean on myself to take care of things.

As the year has moved forward, I discovered that I have been taken off of the worship team list with no warning or explanation. I can’t possibly explain how much this pained my heart and has caused me to re-consider the role music has in my life. While I think I know why it is that I began singing again, how did I allow myself to be put in the place where I can be so hurt once more? I recently resigned from choir until I figure out once and for all what the role is, if any, that music plays in my life. Maybe it was a temporary resurgence to get me from point A to point B in the recent years. I have no idea.  By the Fall of this year, I stepped out of an active role in Deaf Ministry due to such a busy schedule as I planned to move forward with my private practice. Oh, and the private practice? I signed a one year lease approximately two months ago, purchased furniture, have a website, and business cards. I have spent the past two months attempting to network, passing out letters announcing my practice and specialties, and passing out my cards. The end result? Crickets. I have had two referrals that I am aware of and neither have resulted in appointments or services for clients.

My first annual cancer check-up in April this year showed my CT scan to be “pristine.” Am I still cancer free? All I can go on is that last appointment and wait until April 2014 for my second annual appointment. I have no control if this appendix cancer shows itself again. I am heartbroken at this moment that someone I met online in my cancer journey (a 27 year old father of a 9 month old daughter and husband to a beautiful young woman), after we were both diagnosed about the same time, is currently on hospice care losing his fight with this disease.

Nothing in my private practice is in my control. I am unable to control how people hear my singing or any desire they have or don’t have in wanting me to be involved with the choir or worship teams. I have no control how my body chooses to keep a recurrence of the cancer at bay or be overcome with the mucin again. REST? Lean on others? I do trust that God has it all under control. What have I learned this year? More than anything, I believe I have learned how difficult it is for me to rest IN God and stop fighting. I need to learn how to allow God to give me that peace that passes all understanding. I need to learn how to not take everything on my own. Perhaps stop being like Peter as he looked around and realized how impossible it was that he was walking on the water.

This is my second year participating in “One Word 365,” with my first word being ACCEPT and this year being REST. This evening at church, I believe God gave me my word for next year. I am noticing a pattern, as it appears the next word is RETURN. Keep in touch for my introductory blog for 2014’s One Word 365. Accept, Rest, Return. Hmmm…..

Dear Lord, I ask that You be with me as You take me through these life journeys. I ask that You lead me as I learn how to be more like You and help me to follow Your guidance. Please give me wisdom and discernment to know what is from You and what is my own human nature. Thank You for the past two years as we have traveled this journey together.

Learning to rest in gratitude

A while back, I began hearing many reviews of and recommendations that we read the book One Thousand Gifts . It kind of stuck in my head until I bought it and recently began reading it. I haven't quite finished reading the book yet, however there are several areas that have struck a chord in me. I thought this particular topic was worthy of talking about here.

One of the ideas the author really focuses on is our inability to experience full joy if we do not show gratitude. I have been pondering that concept since I read it a few weeks ago and began observing my own attitude and mood in relationship to my feelings of gratitude or of ungratefulness. I also began considering the difference between real appreciation vs expressing gratefulness because that's what we're supposed to do. What I noticed is that when I focused on looking for things to be thankful for, I found myself seeking the good in many situations and my mood was improved. I am certain most of us have heard the phrase..."fake it til you feel it." While I believe that has its place, I wonder if it would be more helpful to focus our minds on things to be grateful for instead of attempting to force a "good mood."


Traffic is backed up or stopped, causing me to be late for my appointment, work, or wherever I am headed. 

I could become angry, frustrated, or anxious. My blood pressure could raise horribly. Road rage could be a possibility. OR could I find something to be grateful for while I am sitting there waiting to move the next 2 feet? Maybe I could actually listen to the words to the song on the radio. I may find myself drawn into worship. I could "car watch," checking out the different makes and colors of cars surrounding me. What about the color of the sky, the colors of the leaves, the mountains in the horizon? I could be grateful that I have a car with gas to get me where I need to go. If I am on a bus, I could people watch. I could be grateful that I am not the one driving in this traffic mess. There are so many things I could notice if I just shifted my attitude and looked.


The only phone calls I get from my children are when they need something.

That could certainly frustrate the strongest of parents. I could become bitter that I gave so much of my life raising these people and I find I have to keep giving and keep giving. Are they ever grateful? OR I could be grateful that my children know where they can turn when they need help. I could be touched that they see me as someone who they can depend on. That I have the children in the first place. That I have children who actually want to talk to me. (For the record, my children are amazing and I absolutely adore whatever time I get to have with them. I miss having them both together in my home. There is nothing better than snuggling with my kiddos, hearing the sibling banter, cooking for my family. sigh...)


Today has been incredibly stressful at work.


When we spend most of our awake time at work, hard days can definitely make keeping a positive attitude a challenge. Why does my boss just pick on me? Why are the clients so ungrateful? Why does this day seem to drag on? The computer system just crashed again. Now I can't get my work done. OR I can be grateful that I have a job. I can be grateful that I have a computer that usually works. I have a desk and a comfy chair. Since the computer is down, I have a chance to eat lunch away from my desk. I get to work with clients who are having a tough day and maybe help their day improve. I can maybe share my positive attitude with the others.




I discovered when I stay in the negative and hold onto the stressful feelings, I feel icky. I begin to feel down or grumpy. When I search for things to be grateful for, my insides feel lighter. I would even say that, by making gratitude a goal, I begin to feel joyful. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~ James 1:2-4

Is this maybe part of what James is talking about? If I keep the negative, grumpy attitude then it makes it difficult to persevere. When I show gratitude, my heart feels joyful and often peaceful. That sure helps the perseverance. Maybe I should try to be more grateful for the little things as well as the big things. Do you notice a difference when you focus on even the little things? For someone who has been called this year to learn how to rest, maybe this is one of the ways I can learn that. If being grateful produces joy and peace, the feeling of unrest dissipates, leaving a calm rest and a closeness to my Father. Wow. Such a big deal. Why have I not discovered this until now?

Thank you Lord for teaching me this lesson. Please help me focus more on how to seek gratitude. Please use that gratefulness to remove the negative and judgmental nature from my spirit. Please use this lesson to draw me closer to you. Amen.