Five Year Anniversary of Life Changing News

• "They found a really big mass. You need to get your life in order because this will be a significant surgery to remove it."

• "It doesn't look like cancer. The bloodwork doesn't show anything indicating cancer, but we won't know until we get in there to remove it and see what we're dealing with."

• "The surgery should only be about 1-1/2 to 2 hours."

• "Plan on an overnight stay at the hospital, but shouldn't be more than a day or so."

Today is October 19, 2016. That means it was five years ago today that this surgery took place. A surgery to remove a "large mass." A mass that my co-workers lovingly referred to as Cyrano. I looked as though I was 6-7 months pregnant with this "mass" inside of me so they decided it needed a name. I think it helped everyone make some sense of what was going on with my body and sometimes humor is the best coping mechanism. Either laugh or cry, right?

What wound up happening is that, once they opened my abdomen, they immediately found the unexpected and something the doctors did not understand. A very rare form of cancer. The "mass" was not a mass at all. Cyrano turned out to be one of my ovaries that had become massive inside due to a large quantity of mucin from a tumor on my appendix. They initially believed it to be ovarian cancer, scaring my best friends and family horribly. Then it was identified as appendix cancer. One of many quite rare cancers that doctors don't even know about. That began the last five years of my life. And the lives of those close to me.

The 90 minute surgery turned into five hours and the overnight hospital stay wound up being a five night stay on the cancer floor. Many phone calls. Many hospital visitors. Friends saying that they really needed to lay eyeballs on me after hearing the unbelievable news. Doctors trying to come up with a treatment plan for something they had no idea what it was. My best friend trying to figure out how to tell my family. My ex-husband. My kids. How do you tell these people that their mom, ex-wife, daughter, sister, friend was just diagnosed with cancer? Prognosis? No idea. We don't even know exactly what this is. My daughter was 15 years old and taking her driver's education class when the news came to my friends. My son was a young 20 years old and had just moved back home after living for 14 months on his own in Arizona.

Thus began the cancer journey. CT scans. Chemo or not chemo? Doctor appointment after doctor appointment. Lab after lab for this test or that test. Many barium drinks. The crinkled brows of many doctors when they hear of cancer. "Appendix cancer? I've never heard of that. How did they treat that?" "Are you in remission now?" The hearing of other people with this cancer journey. Getting to know a young couple online as the husband was diagnosed a couple of months before me. Journeying with them as his body succumbed to it a few short years later, leaving behind a beautiful young wife and nine month old baby girl. (** side note ** One of the positive things from this journey has been the friendship with his wife. Alyssa is an absolutely incredible young woman who I have grown to care about very much.... definitely a gift in my life) An interesting realization I had today was that my son is now the same age as Nick was during his struggle with this horrible illness. What a reality check that was.

I look back at the past five years and I remember so much. I think about the aspects of my life that have changed. The work God has done in me and through me. The changes in my relationships that I thought for sure were permanent. That I had faith in. The bond that has grown deeper with others, including with my kids, my best friend, and even my ex-husband (even though we will never be "together" again, we both sure love and appreciate the ability to remain family). My relationship with myself. My desire to live life to the full. To make memories. To travel. To fulfill my purpose. To love.  To try not to embrace the negative parts that Satan tries to blanket my life with.

Five years. It's hard to believe it's been that long, while at the same time it's hard to believe it's only been five years. Sometimes it seems so long ago. I'd like to end this post with one of the biggest things I have learned over the past five years. Gratitude. I've learned to focus more on what I'm grateful for than what is wrong with my life, with society, with this, that, and everything else.

I am grateful for:

• A healthy life
• A warm home
• The medical world and people who have gone before me who paved the way that allowed me to remain healthy.
• My amazing children
• My soulmate/best friend
• Relationships 
• My beautiful nieces and nephews - blood related as well as adopted 
• Humor
• A calling from God that allows me to use my passion towards walking with people on their journeys towards healing and just loving on them
• The ability to drive freely where I choose with a capable vehicle to get me where I desire to go
• My church family and leadership whom I love and respect in so many ways
• Affirmations from unexpected places
• The ability to watch my children grow and become adults I can be proud of
• The opportunity to live in a free country that allows us the ability to speak freely, worship how we choose, stand for what we feel is important, and travel openly where we choose
• First responders who are waiting to help us when we call
• The AWESOME artwork of God that we too often take for granted in the Pacific Northwest
• Technology - internet, cell phones, computers, and on and on
• SO many more things that I could be here all day listing. 

MOST of all, I am grateful for the love of a Heavenly Father who granted me healing and allows me to remain here on this earth to hopefully bless people as much as they have blessed me. And to show people God's love so they know they have someone who cares, even in the darkest of places. 

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Identifying Strongholds in a Time of Restoration

As I move through the second half of my year of restoration, I am in the midst of two fairly intensive Bible Studies. One of the studies is about the Armor of God and the other is Rooted. Interestingly enough, a few friends of mine and I began the Armor of God study during the summer prior to learning that our Women's ministry was going to do it as well this fall. SO that means we get to do it at least twice, which is a really good thing as there is a lot of information to process internally. As far as the Rooted study goes, only coaches and trainers were asked to participate in this study during this round and I was one that was asked to take it as we are working towards being a church family that wraps our arms around folks who are hurting. There are many things from a person's past or even current pain that can be brought out in this process of moving forward and growing in our relationship with God. We want to have resources in place and be prepared to stand ready to be with these folks when that happens. So often groups of people, churches included, do not prepare for the possible outcomes prior to kicking off programs that will "stir the pot" per-say. 

NASA - Apollo/Saturn V Center (Firing Room Theater) July 2016

I find it fascinating that these studies are occurring this year, as God and I are walking through Him working in me to restore me to become the woman He created me to be. The timeliness of these studies is nothing short of impressive and, in my mind (since I do not believe in coincidences), providential. To add to this, the past couple of weeks has been a lot of identifying "spiritual strongholds" that prevent us from experiencing a close relationship with God and prevent us from moving forward in the path He has planned for us. Wow. Sometimes I feel like my head is like a pinball machine. Craziness...

Part of identifying strongholds, especially by looking through the lens of using God's armor, is learning how to identify weaknesses that satan will use to tear us apart. Last night, while doing one of my studies, I began going through my Bible and found a few pieces of paper...printed copies of emails from my past. Emails from about 15 and 16 years ago. A couple of them from men who were friends of mine and my ex-husband's and another from someone who was like family to me. These emails took me back to that time in my life that was so hard to get through. Messages to my ex-husband telling him about how I was financially incompetent, how people at our church would certainly not blame him for the end of our marriage no matter what I had told them, and that he had biblical grounds for leaving our marriage. Then an email from my friend who stated that she would "ALWAYS" be there for me. I had forgotten these messages, even though I am unable to forget that time period in my life. The messages to my ex-husband from our friends were so hurtful as I believed them to be my friends as well, yet they were speaking untruths about me and certainly adding to the conflict and ultimate end to our marriage. Then the message from my friend hurt because she has since ended our close relationship, stating that she never considered me family and did not feel we could continue our friendship. 

NASA - Apollo/Saturn V Center (Firing Room Theater) July 2016

One of the strongholds that I have dealt with for much of my life is feeling insecure and not good enough. Having people who commit to being a support to me betray me and walk away from relationship with me has been incredibly painful. It is apparent to me that the evil one attempted to use, yet again, this part of my life at a time when I am healing and embracing the truth about me. Now let's fast forward to present day. My ex-husband and I are friends, even planning a couple of family vacations with both of our children and with my best friend. Boundaries are strongly established and we choose to create memories for our children. We may be unable to be a married couple, but we are family and we want our children (and one day in the distant future, grandchildren) to have memories with us all as a united family (albeit one that does not happen to live together). One of the friends who sent a message continues to be a friend of mine and of my ex-husband. My friend who has ended our close relationship? While I have very limited interaction with her, I still love her dearly. I still pray for reconciliation at some point, in God's timing.

Why am I sharing all of this? Part of my journey to restoration is learning how to stand firm with God's armor in place. One of the pieces of armor is the belt of truth. I believe that what the evil one means for evil, my Lord uses for good. While satan may have meant to trigger me with these memories, God allowed me to see how I could stand firm with the belt of truth in place. Yes, these were hurtful memories, however I am not the same person and the relationships with these people are not the same either. Do people continue to believe that my relationship with my best friend is "inappropriate"? Possibly. Unfortunately for them, I no longer place value on those opinions. That has been part of the healing that has happened over the past few years.

"Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.'" ~ John 8:31b-32

I know I did nothing wrong. I know that my friendship with her is a gift from God and our friendship draws me closer to God, not further away. I know that, even these hurtful memories can not take me away from the arms and love of God. In this year of restoration, God is helping me to identify the flaming arrows of the evil one and stand firm on what I know to be truth. If someone chooses to take sides in something that they don't have all of the information, then that is between them and their Creator.

Oddly enough, I woke up this morning with this tune in my head..... 

I had the privilege of seeing this song performed live a few weeks ago. Ever since then I have been processing these lyrics. Part of releasing these strongholds in my life is doing "the very next thing" and focusing on what God is doing in me and through me. 

Satan, you don't get to use this history of my painful experiences to bring me down. You don't get to hurt me anymore. I choose to follow the lead of the One you feel the need to compete with. I am a daughter of THE King. I am fully armored up and you don't get to have any power over me. My Lord is my God and my Savior and will NEVER leave me or forsake me. 

What are the strongholds that are keeping you stuck in a spiral in your life? Feelings or experiences that make you feel you're not good enough? History of messages spoken into you that lead you to believe you're a bad person or unworthy? Perhaps God is wanting to provide some restoration on your end as well? What is YOUR very next thing?

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Beauty and Bricks

The past few weeks have found me in some deep thought. God has been putting some of the puzzle pieces together bit by bit. This has left me in awe, in tears, and desiring to see more clearly the path He is taking me. One of the things that never ceases to grab my attention is when God pulls things from various times in my life and puts them smack dab in the center of my current journey. One of the frustrations that I have is when this occurs, my immediate reaction is a desire to run and hide; to return to my previous coping mechanism of believing this can't be about me, that I'm not good enough to do this, and how am I worthy of this calling God is placing on my life? I have lived like this for so long that, God surely doesn't want to give me healing and shower me with so much now. I have become comfortable in knowing my limitations. I am fully aware that people only want me there for their time and convenience. They don't want true, deep relationship and community with me. I mean, seriously. I'm too deep. I don't do surface conversations or relationships. I lack intelligence that the intellectuals in my life have in abundance. I'm just a little Southern girl who was transplanted into the Pacific Northwest so I don't fit in with folks here. The list goes on and on (as evidenced by many blog posts on this journey of mine). 

Ever since God started me on the OneWord 365 journey, choosing a word for the year, lightbulbs have begun lighting up. I have struggled to step out of the boat and trust that God will lead me as I keep my eyes on Him, while walking forward on the water. One of our pastors spoke to some of the women of our church the other night. She mentioned this passage of Scripture and boy howdy did it catch my attention. Here is some of the chapter:

"The Lord God has put his Spirit in me, because the Lord has appointed me to tell the good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort those whose hearts are broken, to tell the captives they are free, and to tell the prisoners they are released........He has sent me to comfort all those who are sad and to help the sorrowing people of Jerusalem. I will give them a crown to replace their ashes, and the oil of gladness to replace their sorrow, and clothes of praise to replace their spirit of sadness. Then they will be called Trees of Goodness, trees planted by the Lord to show his greatness. They will rebuild the old ruins and restore the places destroyed long ago. They will repair the ruined cities that were destroyed for so long........The Lord makes me very happy; all that I am rejoices in my God. He has covered me with clothes of salvation and wrapped me with a coat of goodness, like a bridegroom dressed for his wedding, like a bride dressed in jewels....." ~ Isaiah 61 NCV

It brought to mind my 2016 word (restore) as well as a song from my past that I had forgotten about. When my marriage ended, due to many things, including years of abuse (even though we are good friends now that we've both moved on in our lives), this song was introduced to me by dear friends (the husband is kind of an adopted dad to me). 







Along with the song, they gave me a brick to help me remember what God is doing in my life and how He will pull all of this pain together to make me even stronger. Though I was so hurt and in a place that I never thought I would be in, they wanted me to remember that God was and would continue to do a good work in me.



Now fast forward over the years since the end of my marriage in 2002. Since then I have earned a Bachelor's degree, a Master's degree, and my social work license. I have become successfully self-employed and can envision a business that will grow and provide a needed service to the area. I have begun doing trainings at my church and am currently taking a class that may indeed provide more focus in that area of my life. This year, not only is God providing healing in my life to restore me back to the person He created me to be, He is guiding me and lighting my path as I move step by step. This morning I recalled the eagle experience when God confirmed my word for the year and the message God gave me. The eagle was once endangered, but has now been restored. It continues to be protected. Not only is the eagle a protected creature, it is cherished by many. It is used in many analogies for it's grace, beauty, and strength. 

Now I return to the passage my pastor friend shared. This passage reminds me of my call to help people who are hurting; to redirect them to their Comforter; to use my experiences to help others know they are not alone and how to armor up with the Full Armor of God. God is making beauty from the ashes. Some versions of this passage specify the trees as oak trees. They represent the strength and endurance. God is doing a good work in me and in those who are willing to be called by His name. He is restoring. He is creating beauty from ashes. He turning our ashes into bricks on which He uses to build onto the cornerstone. Christ is our cornerstone. He is the One on whom we depend when the world is shaking. When the evil one tries to throw the flaming arrows, I need to remember to put up my shield of faith that is given to me as part of the armor I am reminded to wear daily. When I am told I am not good enough, not smart enough, not worthy, and just....not.... I need to remember these lessons. I need to remember that Christ was not considered enough either. He was mocked even more so, though He stood firm in what He knew to be the truth. Great example for me, as I read Isaiah 61; as I listen to this song; as I recall the brick given to me by my friends; and as I continue on this journey God has laid out for me. 

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Possible Irrational Ramblings

I would like to start this particular post off by reiterating that this blog is my space to process my feelings and my thoughts. You see, I'm a verbal processor and, sometimes, it's easier to write some of these struggles here than it is to bend the ear again and again of my family or friends. My poor best friend is usually the one who is the recipient when I find myself overwhelmed with these thoughts. She so patiently listens and lets me vent, cry, and work these thoughts out. Sometimes I want to give her a break and just emotionally dump it out here, so if some of my posts sound like I'm having a pity party or an emotional rambling I ask that you just bear with me or just skip over that particular post.

People often tell me just how strong they see me. That I seem to keep so much together and juggle all of the balls thrown at me. Sometimes I just don't feel strong. Sometimes I feel like an emotional wreck. I feel irrational. All of those balls that I juggle sometimes need to get laid down and I need a break to just...feel....fall apart.... and ponder.

All of that said, my current emotional dump is about two things. 

The first thing is the fear of what my life will look like if the cancer ever decides to make a recurrence. The type of cancer I had does not show itself in any blood markers. It's only found in CT scans that, until this year I had annually. This year was a bi-year so the last time I got an all clear was April 2015. The cancer was slow growing, so the thought is if I was all clear last year, then taking a year off from extra radiation would not be an issue. My surgeon told me last year that he thought I was done with this whole thing and appendix cancer would not bother me again. This is where one may feel that I'm being a bit irrational in a fear that it will raise it's ugly head again. You see, the doctors told me before the cancer diagnosis, that there was no sign of cancer. That I "simply" had a large mass they wanted/needed to remove. When I woke up from the first surgery, I found out the "large mass" was a mucin filled ovary that was 12 inches in diameter and weighed 15lbs (the "normal" size of an ovary is walnut sized).....The mucin? Well that was 3-4 liters of free floating cancer permeating my whole abdominal area. 

While I was dealing with the cancer, I was more fortunate that I ever imagined. The people in the agency I worked with were supportive in ways I I did not anticipate. They loved on me, collected money for grocery store gift cards, donated their own leave so I never went with a single day without pay (even though I missed 4-5 months of work). They were encouraging to me, supportive to me and to my family, checked in regularly with me. When I went back to work on a part-time basis, they looked out for me and made sure I didn't work too hard. The perfect situation to have such a horrible illness. My fear? My fear is that the cancer will rear it's ugly head again. That my health insurance, which has a MUCH higher deductible (a gift of being single and self-employed is I have higher rates than when I had a group policy) will overwhelm my budget. That this practice I have worked so hard to build? That I will have to miss months of work, probably lose clients, not be able to pay my agency expenses that includes my office lease. The list goes on and the worry builds. Pretty irrational when I have no reason to believe the cancer will return, huh? 

Everywhere I turn I hear about someone having a cancer diagnosis. My cousin has been dealing with a couple different types of cancer. I have become friends with a woman who's first husband died from the same type of cancer I had and was diagnosed the same time I was. Another family member has a good friend who was recently diagnosed with appendix cancer as well. My best friend has a co-worker who has been diagnosed with a mucinous disease that we aren't sure if is appendix or colon cancer. And on and on. I will feel I have moved on, then something else will come across my purview and there it is again. On my strong days, I feel confident about my health but there are those other days..... Sigh.... The problem with being in the medical/mental health world is that I kind of know too much about what could happen and what this world looks like. So many people are struggling with a life of fighting cancer. How did I get off so "easy"? Less than a year of my life and I moved on. Maybe I'm waiting on the other shoe to drop? I don't know. 

The other part of my emotional dump is wondering if I will ever get married again. After being married for 17 years, my ex-husband and I mutually separated and nearly eight years later we finalized the end of our marriage by legally divorcing. We were high school sweethearts and he's the only one I've ever been intimately involved with, even though I'm nearly 50 years old. There are many reasons for the divorce, some mine and some his. The part that kind of hurts is that he has dated several people since we split up and yet I have had no one show any interest in me at all. My best friend believes that one day someone will show up and "treat you like you deserve to be treated." I wish I could believe she was right. My marriage ended when he moved out 14 years ago today and no one has ever looked at me since then. The pity party part of me wonders what's wrong with me. I was a good wife. I had my issues and made mistakes. I know I didn't deserve everything that happened in our marriage, but why does he get to have relationships and I don't? (I know. Life's not fair, but seriously? Really?) I see folks so frequently who get divorced or end long term relationships have people jumping at the bit to be with them. Why do I not get to have that? 

One of the reasons I believe guys don't look my way is because my best friend and I are housemates. There have been many people in our lives who assume that we are lesbians and in a relationship. Apparently middle aged women are not allowed to be best friends and housemates unless they are homosexuals (enter serious sarcasm). The fact that she helped me raise my children when my marriage ended, that she walked through the cancer journey with me - staying with me during both hospital stays, taking care of me and my kiddos, that we share a home and expenses, that we enjoy hanging out together, love one another as best friends do, all means that she is my partner. I have been told that I just don't realize I'm a lesbian or that I'm either gay or bisexual and just don't want to admit it for fear of upsetting my parents (my parents, by the way, scoff at this assumption), for the record). This part of my emotional dump actually makes me SO ANGRY. Because I have and had the blessing of a best friend to walk through life with me, to help me navigate the world of being a single mom so I wasn't alone, that I get a label of being a lesbian and don't get to have a relationship with another man again. Because people choose to judge and assume, I live the rest of my life "alone." I just don't understand how and why people feel the need to do that. 

Anyway.....I don't know if any of this makes sense, if you're still reading this dump. Maybe just getting this out here will help me process it all. Or at least get it out of my head so I don't have to sit with it all right now. Who knows? Maybe it will help me deal with some of this stuff in my head.



all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Still Finding My Way to Restoration

I've been thinking quite a bit recently about this year of restoration. When I was first given the word "restore" as my word for the year, I wondered what this would look like. As the calendar flipped over the the second half of this year, some lights have begun turning on and the restoring that was taking place has started coming into clearer focus.

The first part of the year was a lot of taking a good, hard look at the areas of my life that were unhealthy. The parts inside of me that hold scars. Scars that still cause pain when they are hit or rubbed in a harsh manner. It has been a year of acknowledging why some scars are so deep and painful, while others only minimally so. Some of this entailed looking hard at boundaries, love languages, relationships, and goals for myself.  After my last post, someone I love dearly asked why I was so focused on the hurts of my past, instead of enjoying the life that I profess to be so wonderful. My response to this person is that healing is a journey. One is able to have a positive attitude, even while healing from hurt and deep pain. My life is so amazing and I will be able to feel that even more so once I get to know the “me” the way I was created to be. I feel like this is what is happening right now. I am being restored to the person I was meant to be separate from the pain and insecurities that have tagged along throughout my life.

One of the surprising things that has happened this year involves my professional world. I was asked by the leadership of my church women's ministry to speak at our winter conference on anxiety and depression. We were hoping for 250 women, however were quite surprised to have nearly 400 attendees. Having worked as a clinical social worker for some time now, in various settings, speaking as a professional to groups of people is something so completely new and out of my element. I was finally adjusting to being 100% self-employed by using my education and training and now I was being asked to step way out of my comfort zone and add a new skill to my professional world. To my shock and amazement, the leadership and the people who attended the conference expressed appreciation for the presentation and have continued to ask me to speak to various groups through the year. Many conference attendees and church staff were surprised that I had never done something like this before, stating that this is very likely one of my gifts. This area continues to be a work in progress, with me still processing this addition.

I have also been learning how to accept the phone calls from people who are referred to my agency by my other clients. Apparently my clients are "raving" about how much they are enjoying therapy. "I knew what you did, but my friends who see you tell me how wonderful you are. It's hard to make this first call, but after hearing that, I had to step out and make the call." I want to ask if they actually mean “me” and did not dial a wrong number. Are they confused? You see, there's an actual syndrome called imposter syndrome. Due to my history, I have suffered from this ever since I was in college and graduate school. It kicked into high gear when I stepped out on my own and had quite a large fear of failure. Many people who suffer from fear of failure will often sabotage themselves. On top of feeling afraid of being discovered as an impostor, I'm a professional who works with people who sabotage their dreams. Many know how to handle failure, but not success. I started wondering if I fall into any of those categories.

Then there is my weight and long standing attempts to separate my self-view and self-worth from my body shape. Becoming healthy has been a focus of mine for the past several years, since I received the cancer diagnosis and following all clear. For me, part of getting healthy means significant weight loss. When I look at photos of myself, I immediately judge myself based on how the photo shows my weight and how fat I feel like I look (imagine how I feel when I see my presentations on video - ACK!!). My friends all seem to be much smaller than me, which accentuates how large I look to myself. You see, the words I've heard during my life continue to ring in my head. I tend to think this will be a lengthier journey than I would like. A realization I had this week is that, while I’m not as healthy or at a weight that I would like to be, I’m not as large as I used to be or as large/unhealthy as I could be. This is something that people have been trying to tell me for a very long time, however I have a rather thick skull at times. You see, when people are given a message much of their life that they aren’t pretty enough, small enough, smart enough, or even good enough, it is very difficult to let go of those words. Especially difficult for a “words of affirmation person.” 

What does all of this have in common, you may ask? Well, while I may be insecure about speaking in front of groups of people, may feel the responsibility in full of the job that I have in providing therapy to folks in need of help, my weight does not determine my worth or the validity of what I have to say. The responses I have gotten from people who have worked with me or have sat in a crowd, listening to my “talks,” are humbling to say the least. “You gave my mom the opportunity to tell me that what happened to me 15 years ago was not my fault.” “I left so empowered that I could go out and try to make a difference.” “You helped us realize that we are not alone and the stigma needs to stop.” A pastor informed me last week that “Your testimony is SO powerful” and that it is helpful for people to hear it as part of my work. Not one of them gave the disclaimer that “even though you’re not thin” or “even though you’re not a real speaker,” or other such descriptions. They really appreciated the words I have to say. They value my perspective, my ability to help and teach them. Church leadership values me so much that they want me to be involved in ministry as we move forward to helping assure the church is a hospital and not a country club.

All of this causes me to flashback to the verse God gave me so many years ago. “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, ‘ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:11-14 

While there remains a great deal of work to do, I think I may be beginning to see some of the blueprints for this journey to restoration and release from captivity. I still don’t know what it looks like in full, but it has been interesting thus far and I thought I would share this with you who are following me as I travel the road of restoration.

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Completely

all contents (c) Laura Inglis

Living by Restoration or By the Words of Others?

You're worthless. 

You're not good enough. 

You're too long winded.

For someone as obese as you....

You're pitchy when you sing. You tend to go flat. 

You're too judgmental.

Why can't you be like everyone else?

Get back in your place. 

I can read between the lines. I know better than you what you're thinking. What you really mean is......

Don't talk so much.

You're so bossy.

You're a loser.

You're such a victim.

You're getting fat so don't eat so much.

You're so stupid.

Why can't you be as athletic as your brothers?

Why can't you get better grades?  

You have psoriatic arthritis. 

Because diabetes is in your family, you're probably going to get it no matter what you do.

 It's hard to tell that someone is bloated when they have such a big stomach (when it was really symptoms related to stage 3 appendix cancer).

You're neglecting your job as a Mom and housewife by being involved with......

You're not my sister anymore.  

I don't want to be your friend anymore.      

You're too much like a counselor.

 People your size tend to have acid reflux (when it was really a gallbladder

attack).

You need to be obedient to your husband.

You definitely married the right man (even though he was seriously abusive). 

I know he shouldn't have hit you or threatened you, but what did you do to make him mad? 

I know I shouldn't have lost my temper, but you knew I was already upset about.... 

Why did you push my buttons? 

You need to be open to getting remarried since you're still young enough to have a life with a man. 

Don't be a social worker. You won't make enough money to support yourself.

These are things that I've been told throughout the past nearly 50 years of my life. Painful words. Judgmental words. For a Words of Affirmation girl, those hit SO hard. For a pretty significant extrovert, they tell me how wrong it is to be an extrovert and that extroverts are not as good or smart as introverts. For someone who loves with every fiber of my being, these words are incredibly painful. 

Fast forward to this year, a year of restoration, and I am beginning to learn how to set firm boundaries and sort through the words I'm willing to accept as truth and those that I choose to let bounce off as untruths. My best friend and I went to the movies last night, where we saw the movie "Miracles From Heaven."  This movie reminded me that, no matter what happens in our lives, God is always in control. As we put on every piece of the "full armor of God," I remember that the first piece of armor is the belt of truth. We also are instructed to pick up the shield of faith, "with which we can extinguish every flaming arrow of the evil one." Harsh words may be slung at us, that are all too often lies meant to hurt and deceive. Hard and scary diagnoses may be given. People may choose to walk away from us if we are different from them or have different beliefs than they do. While these can be hard and painful, we are promised that, if we pick up the shield of faith, it will extinguish ALL the flaming arrows. I have begun to realize that, perhaps I have given these words too much credit and a stronger hold in my life than necessary.


People are free to have their own opinions and feelings about my life, my appearance, my voice, my work, my words, my health, and my marital status. Their beliefs or opinions of these situations are theirs, not my own, and I am not required to own them. Part of this restoration process, I am discovering, is learning how to identify the truth and adjust my lens to be more like the lens of my Father. This requires faith. This requires a desire to move past the hurt and embrace the love of God. Our pastor recently spoke about various life cycles. 

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under theheavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."                           ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The life cycles he referenced were:

• Courtship
• Infancy
• Growth 
• Adolescence - Struggling
• PRIME - in the ZONE
• Stability - Not growing. Just kind of there. No pizzazz. No joy. Nothing's really happening. Not living. Just existing.

What prevents us from moving forward and doing what we need to do? 

• Fear
• Entitlement
• Perfectionism  

We've got to break through these. Do it scared. Do whatever you need to do to become the person God created you to be. Don't accept stability. That's not what God has in store for you.                                                                              
                                                                                           ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong

I think this is my time to restore. Restore myself as the person God created me to be. To not only figure out how to see myself through God's lens, but to also discern the harsh words spoken to me from the words of truth God would have me hear and accept.

Am I overweight according to the BMI chart? Yes. Could I use more exercise? Absolutely. Can I eat healthier? Yep. Does that mean my value is less because of this? Absolutely NOT.

Do I carry a perfect tune every time I sing? No. Does everyone? Probably not. Does that discount the words from others who tell me that I have a "beautiful voice"? It probably shouldn't. (Obviously still a difficult one for me to work with.)

Am I a cancer survivor? Yes. Do I live in fear that the cancer will return? No. But I am very aware of my body and, honestly, I do experience some anxiety when I consider the possibility that I could hear the news of a recurrence some day.  

Was I an honor roll student in high school? No. I did, however make the Dean's List and was part of the Phi Alpha Honor Society while in university. Then graduated with my Master's degree with a 3.97 GPA. Do either of these mean I'm really smart or lack intelligence? No. It just means that I did better in some classes than others.   

Because I experienced domestic violence, does that mean I am a victim? No. Did I cause him to be angry or cause the abuse? Not at all. It means that my ex-husband was unable to control his temper and used power and control to achieve his needs in our marriage.

If friends or family find it difficult to accept the part of me that is a helper and a counselor and choose to have limited relationships with me does that mean I need to change fields? Should I change my personality in order to please them? No. It means that these friends or family have their own struggles and find it difficult to interact with me on a close and personal level. I can still love them dearly and hope and pray that they change their mind at some point and time. I still miss them and still love them unconditionally. 

 If others struggle with what I do for a living, should I reconsider this field? No way. This is the world that I feel God has called me to. I have a successful business and am finding that my professional world is expanding and growing far beyond what I could ever ask or imagine. 

This part of my journey to restoration appears to be a place in which I am as an adolescent, struggling to figure out who and where I am. I'm not nearly in a level of stability and certainly not in a PRIME level. I can choose to continue trying to please others or live in the level of pain, or I can choose to follow the path that God is calling me to be on. A path that includes attempting to see myself through my Father's eyes, restoring the me that God sent me to this world to be. I can choose to find joy and gratitude in this path, in both good times and hard times. I can buckle up with the belt of truth everyday, put on the breastplate of righteousness, have my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. I can hold onto the shield of faith and take hold of the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit - which is the Word of God. I believe this is the best way to achieve the restoration God is trying to give to me. 

• TRUTH
• RIGHTEOUSNESS
• PEACE
• FAITH
• SALVATION
• WORD OF GOD

If I hold to Christ's teaching, I am really His disciple. Then I will know the truth and the truth will set me free. ~ Ephesians 8:31-32

Based on the things I've been told in my life, I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. I graduated from high school with a 2.97 GPA and ended my freshman year of college with a 2.63 GPA, then quit school to get married. I should never have been able to return to school 20 years later and earn two college degrees, with good grades, as a single mother. I earned my BA in 2007 and my Master's degree in 2008. Fast forward 8 years later, and I now have a successful private practice that is thriving. God is doing incredible things with my career.

While my 17 year marriage involved domestic violence, the police were never called (which is not always a good thing, for the record. I could have really been harmed at times.) and my ex-husband and myself were able to remain friends and continued to co-parent our children. Not many marriages are able to end that way. Children of divorced homes often struggle in their adult lives. Both of my children are now in community colleges moving forward with their education. 

My gallbladder issue that I mentioned before? It "should" have burst, which likely would have killed me. It didn't. The appendix cancer that was found at stage 3? It is way too often a terminal illness, though not always. My recovery was quick and I remain cancer-free to my knowledge. 

I share these things with you to point out that harsh words are not always truth. When I reflect on the negative words spoken into my life, I "should not" have the life I do. Freedom from all of these negative and hurtful words sounds wonderful to me. Now to learn to identify the truth in the words of others (and my own self-talk) from the words of God. Definitely restorative as God does the work HE wants done in me

.

all contents (c) 2016 Laura Inglis

Let the Restoration Begin

As typical for my life after God gives me my word for the year, this year has had me running, becoming more and more curious about the next months of 2016. If you have read my blog for very long, you are aware of at least two things. I am a clinical social worker and I have struggled for most of my life with my self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. God has been working on and with me for several years, teaching me to accept myself and my life's journey. 

I have always been passionate about people who are considered "less than." Those people who suffer in silence, who are abused/neglected, who feel they are unable to start a journey towards healing and wholeness. I was provided with an opportunity last Fall to attend a conference in Southern California that focused on Mental Health and the Church. The primary goal for this conference was to bring awareness to the stigma of mental illness. Entirely too many people suffer in silence and that saddens me. Christians currently have a reputation in so many realms of being judgmental and hateful to those who are different from ourselves. One of the reasons for this is, in my opinion, due to closed mindedness to anything that we do not understand or due to beliefs that are different from our own. Competition as to who is right springs up quickly and causes so much pain. Need I even come close to our current election year antics and horrors? Enough said about that....

Myself, being raised in a controlling and authoritarian home, marrying into an abusive marriage, becoming a divorcee, then followed by becoming a "returning adult student" to receive my Social Work degrees left me to have a great deal of understanding for these "differences" between people. I was always different than others around me. I had a few close friends throughout school, but was never really considered part of the "in" crowd (Fortunately, as years passed by, we all matured and became less invested in the popularity once felt so important. Thanks to social media, I have had the joy of reconnecting with many of my classmates, which has been a joy to my adult life.)....but I digress.... 

As a private practice clinician, I have the privilege of being able to intertwine my faith into my therapeutic orientation or type of therapy I use, as I believe a person's spiritual life is another part of their "system" (emotional life, physical life, sexual life, etc). Most of my current caseload are folks who have come to me in part because I do provide faith-based counseling. A few months ago, I was working with a young lady who has found herself trying to escape an abusive marriage and is jumping through the court system as they determine appropriate parenting for her young child. In one of our sessions, I felt a tug to read Ephesians 6:10-18 (putting on the full Armor of God) to her, which I did. Several months later (a much longer story of which I won't bore you), this passage found itself taped outside of my shower. One morning, in my shower, as I was praying this Scripture, the word "RESTORE" came to my mind as I read that we are to "stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist." Pondering my harsh experiences and my own feelings of being "less than," I realized that God desires to restore in me HIS truth, not the truth of others. As long as I hold onto the truth of others, I am not buckling THE belt of truth around my waist.

I began to think about the hurtful experiences in my life and wondered why they hurt so

much. I began to understand that God created me to experience love the most via affirming words and quality time. When people speak hurtful or harsh words to me, it's like a sword in my heart. When people avoid spending time with me or communicating with me, I feel neglected and unloved. When I graduated from college and then graduate school, I felt a sense of accomplishment unlike what I have experienced before. When I recalled this feeling, I remembered the pain I felt from a family member and then from a friend I love as a family member when they each refused to discuss a conflict in person because I am a counselor. The words spoken to me during both occasions were so incredibly hurtful to me, as I felt attacked as a person as well as feeling it undermined my sense of accomplishments. I have applied the words of other people to my view of self in relationship to my appearance, my clothing style, hairstyle, my weight, my parenting....shoot.... basically all of me. I have never really known how to see my strengths. Lest this appear to be a victim-fest, please allow me to clarify. When I see myself in a mirror, in photos, on video, I provide judgement to myself, not affirmations. It is not only my friends, family, or others who speak harsh words to me. I am guilty as well, probably even more guilty. I most often will hold tightly to the words of criticism, rather than words of affirmation, and apply them to the lens through which I look. What God revealed to me is that this is not the truth He wants buckled around my waist.

One of my dearest friends throughout most of my life, since adolescence, uncovered part of the reason I was so hurt when she informed me recently that my personality has always been that of a counselor/helper. "When I ever needed to talk to someone about actual issues, big situations, I would always come to you. You were always the one we all went to for your wisdom and ability to counsel us." She went on to say that my college degrees simply made it more official and gave me the professional training that went hand in hand with my personality. The light bulb turned on when I put this with my recent shower experience. God created me to be a social worker. He created me to counsel and be a helper. When these words from people so dear to me were spoken, they hurt me to the very core of my being, because that invalidated who I am as a person. Who God created me to be. As well as speaking hurtful words, they both also basically removed themselves from my life. Both love languages were slayed and damage was done that continues to hurt today. 


What I realized in that shower conversation with God was that He created me to be the person I am and He has chosen this year to be a year of restoration for me. To restore me to be the person He created, offer healing from the pain I have experienced, and help me to recognize the truth instead of embrace the lies that have been showered over me much of my life. 

"If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." ~ John 8:31b-32

My job is to learn to hold to God's teaching, embrace His words rather than the words of others and to cherish my time with Him instead of grieve my time with others. When I change this focus, my heart will be restored and I will be able to view through God's lenses, not my own. I wonder what that will look like. I have to also say that, being human and loving those people I spoke of and missing these relationships that I hold so dearly, I wonder often if any part of these will be restored as well. I guess only time will tell.







all contents (c 2016) Laura Inglis