Prayer for You

Your child is hurting, Father. Your child is struggling. Your child is wandering. Please touch your child's heart. Your child is sick. Your child is seeking love from wrong sources. Please help your child feel Your love. Please let Your child know that your love is a love like no other and has no strings attached. Please allow Your child to know that no amount of wandering is too far for You to reach. Please shine Your light into the dark pit that has Your child scared and feeling alone. Please help Your child to feel Your presence and help Your child to find the way out of the darkness.

Your child is finding rest and solace in dark places where You are not present. Please Lord, wrap Your arms around Your child and provide healing, direction, and wisdom. Please help Your child to begin discerning Your will from the will of the evil one. Please help Your child to avoid snares set by the one who wants harm for Your child. Your child is making choices that sadden You and worry others. Please help the other children as they attempt to offer love, support, encouragement, and appropriate accountability to one another. Please help the relationships You have set in place be determined and led by You and only You.

Father God, we know that You want us to willingly enter Your presence. I ask that Your child choose to enter into the presence of the Most High and Holy Lord Almighty. You have plans for Your child. I ask that You see Your plans through on Your child's journey. Thank You for the work You choose to do, whatever that looks like. I trust that Your will be done. YOU FATHER GOD ARE AWESOME!!



all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Working Through Acknowledging My Own Love Language

In recent weeks, I have been pondering my journey over the past few years. Evaluating my struggle with feeling that I am not good enough, struggle with relationships, and how to view myself through the lens of the Most Holy One. Being a clinical social worker by profession, I work with clients on a daily basis who struggle with low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. As well as self-image issues, there are frequently relationship conflicts and expressions of feeling unloved and unappreciated. Part of therapy includes researching the "whys" and "hows" of feeling unloved and one of the things I discovered a long time ago is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. If you have never heard about the 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend taking a look. Here are brief descriptions of each of the languages that Dr. Chapman provides: 

Words of Affirmation - "Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, 'I love you,' are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten."

 Quality Time - "In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says 'I love you' like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful."

 Receiving Gifts - "Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures."

 Acts of Service - "Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an Acts of Service person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear are, 'Let me do that for you.' Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them, tell those with this language their feelings don’t matter."

 Physical Touch - "This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive."

                                                                       

As a therapist, I have the opportunity to spend a great deal of time thinking on mental health and relationships. Yes, most of my time is spent with clients in my office and/or my patients in the emergency room, yet the situations that my clients/patients struggle with often cause me to reflect on my worldview and how I might respond in similar scenarios. Many people have heard about the 5 Love Languages, however I've discovered that many don't realize that, as Dr. Chapman points out, the language in which one can feel most loved can also be used to cause significant harm if used in a neglectful, critical, or thoughtless manner. 

Most people who have known me very long or very well, know that my primary language is Words of Affirmation. After affirming words, physical touch and quality time seem to run fairly close in the next position. In my self-exploration, I have spent time considering the situations in which I have felt hurt in various relationships. The pain has been caused by criticism, insults, belittling, condescension, neglect, avoidance, or simple apathy. I realized that the times I feel most loved, appreciated, and valued are when people take the time to acknowledge me, recognize the effort I have put into something, offer constructive criticism (wherein someone offers positive words as well as ideas of how to improve, rather than "that doesn't measure up" or "that's not right"), choose to follow through with plans to spend time with me, or just flat out offer heartfelt words of appreciation, etc.

Being raised in a home and in a culture that did not value women (unless they are of the Southern Belle variety, perhaps), I was not often provided with affirming words. This lead to the lack of self-worth, feelings of inferiority, and horrible self-image. I was always referred to as overweight (even when I weighed a whopping 120lbs at 18 yrs old) and was limited on my abilities, never good enough to measure up to anyone's standards. Most people did not encourage deep, self-reflection. Relationships either were or weren't. Conversations were rarely deep, as people became uncomfortable whenever someone attempted to address issues in which one might think differently from the flock. Religion and politics were pretty black and white. Either you stood on one side or the other and you were right and the other side was wrong. Zero gray existed in that area at that time. The idea of love languages did not exist. People who became suicidal were "sick." People who engaged in self-reflection or self-exploration were self-centered. 


As I entered adulthood and moved to a whole new world (Southern East Coast to the Pacific Northwest), self-reflection was encouraged and everyone appeared to have such an amazing understanding of themselves. This left me to trying to fit in. A woman who became a very dear friend, who I had the privilege of working with when I first moved to Washington (my first friend here, to be honest), reflected back that I appeared to be "fresh off the boat." My naivety and simple-mindedness was different to people here. Reflecting on the poor souls that had to interact with me when I moved across the country, my sympathies go out to them, for sure. I had a lot of learnin' to do to catch up. So there I was, a young woman who did not fit in down south and certainly did not fit in upon arrival in the Pacific Northwest. I was learning about how to become an independent woman from my dear friend, how to dress in a professional manner, to develop my own views, and so many other ways that one grows into an adult in a new culture. I began to be recognized as a "people pleaser" by those around me. As someone with the love language that requires affirming words, I did whatever I could do to please those around me so as not to receive the condemning or critical words. 

In the past few years, in counseling sessions, I found some of the words I have given to my clients to ring true to myself. Encouragement to evaluate situations to determine why we respond the way we do to different interactions. Why do we get hurt when we feel ignored? Why does it mean so much to have someone randomly call you just to say hi? For someone who thrives on constructive criticism, why does it hurt so much when someone is critical by nature? I began to take a hard look at myself and how I respond to the people around me and realized that I have come to a precipice. Do I acknowledge that I am worth people wanting to spend time with me and/or accept positive, affirming words or do I continue living in a world of self-condemnation? A world that allows myself to feel like people are doing me a favor to want to be my friends and that any kind words are stretching the truth because I'll never be as good as they are? How does a therapist provide counseling to people suffering from depression and self-image struggles if I don't practice my own words?

Since the cancer diagnosis a few years ago, since becoming confident in the career in which I can see investing the rest of my life, since becoming physically healthy by dropping some much needed weight and eating incredibly healthier than before, and since allowing God to draw me ever so much closer to Him, I feel like a light is turning on. I am realizing that I do have something to offer others. I am a good friend. I am loyal. My opinions do matter. The way that others treated me does say more about them than it does about me. If people want to take the time to invest in a healthy relationship with me, then they are welcomed in. If they want me to be dependent on them for my self-worth, then I choose to respond with a polite "No, thank you." I am learning to refuse to accept someone else's finger pointing of blame in my direction when I did nothing wrong. I am allowed to express my feelings. It is no longer my job to please everyone around me, especially to the detriment of my value. If someone misunderstands something that I say, then it is up to that person to speak to me about it so I am able to clarify. My character is able to speak for itself. Do words still hurt? Absolutely. If someone wants me to chase them to be their friend, then I will wait patiently until they decide they want to choose someone who is loyal, committed, an advocate, and will always take the time to put into the relationship, while respecting both sets of boundaries. Respect goes both ways and I no longer accept the darts that people have tried to send my way. 

Will I struggle with this newfound view? I have no doubt that I will have many times. I guess I will just have to keep recalling a few Scripture verses that remind me of how much my Father loves me. Try to keep the lens cleaner handy, I suppose. I will let you know how it goes. 

"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outwards appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7b

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."                                                                                ~Joshua 1:9 

all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Journeying Through Some of my Thoughts

Once I was given the word "Journey" as my word for 2015,
I've been pondering what that might say I'm in for this year. As I look back to the past few years since I began the One Word 365 program, I realize that the past few years have been very enlightening and I feel I have learned so much about myself.

If you have read many of my posts, I'm quite sure that you may have gotten a pretty clear feeling that I have battled significantly with self confidence and self image. If you have thought that, then you would be correct. For many reasons, (that I have talked about to death so I won't bore you once again) I have certainly struggled in the area of seeing myself through a mentally healthy lens. The common theme of the words appear to be teaching me how to accept myself (strengths & challenges), resting (physically, mentally, & spiritually), returning (including trials, relationships, struggles, etc & wait to see what God gives back to me), and now journey (ask me at the end of 2015). Yep. Definitely cause to ponder what is in store for this year. 

 At the present moment, there are a few different areas in my life that have been on my mind. The priority in this journey we call life is always my relationship with God. A word that I've heard frequently in the past year is "brave." I've heard it so often that I was a bit surprised when that wasn't the word sent my direction this year. Be brave in our spiritual walk. Be brave and boldly go where we are called. Be brave and stand for what is right. To be brave is a pretty large order that I'm not sure I could grasp over a year. (Maybe that's my word for the decade....I'll have to ponder that one.) What I do know is part of my journey in my relationship with God is to learn to allow Him to love me in the way only my Father is able to do. To feel His love so completely and allow myself to be drawn into His arms. Wow. Just the thought of it is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I think I most assuredly have a lot of work to do for that part of the journey.

The next part of my journey that is taking quite a bit of my time and energy is my career. When I was in college, I heard many people inform other students of their "natural" social work ability. That these students will obviously be most excellent social workers. As for me? I struggled with terminology, with staying on task with the scholarly portion, and with attempting to adjust to being a "returning adult student" who was old enough to be the mother of many of my classmates and a peer to my professors. Even something as basic as a thesis statement. "What the heck is that?" (Never fear, I was quickly educated in the most basic of expectations in my paper writing.) Enter my fear of failure. My fear of falling on my face. My feelings of not being good enough. 

Now, fast forward to my current professional life. Leaving an agency where I was known and respected to go out on my own in one arena and, at the same time entering a brand new world of hospital social work. Just a little bit of anxiety, you ask? Sure. Just a little (or a lot, to be honest) of insecure feelings going on in my head through 2014. Recently, I have experienced some acknowledgement that has got my head spinning. To hear clients tell me how much I've helped them, that therapy has been a literal life saver for them, that "we looked at your website and thought you were the right person for my daughter and you were. She's so much better and I'd like for you to work with me, too." To have clients refer their friends to me, or people who I have incredible respect for to send their close friends and family my way for help. Or to advocate so hard for patients in the emergency room, going toe-to-toe with doctors, psychiatrists, nurses, insurance approval folks, or crisis teams when I feel like a person needs more help than they are able to receive just because my gut says there's a problem here. When I hear a physician tell me that "you're a life saver. You got more out of that patient than I ever could have" or "if your gut says there's a problem, then we need to trust it." To hear a supervisor request that you consider receiving supervisor training, that they are recommending an intern work with me, and that an intern would love to work with me after shadowing me for one night. To hear an intern say "Wow! I sure hope I'm that I can be as good as that one of these days. You were amazing with that patient." Or to have a sweet young adult friend of mine ask to have coffee so she can pick my brain about some career thoughts for herself or the other young adult friend who referred to me as her mentor. My thoughts when I hear those words? "Really? You are all talking to me? About me? Wait a minute. Let me make sure there's not someone behind me. Because this is not really the person that I see in the mirror everyday. How did I fool you so well? What useful information do I have for you?" Yep. I do believe there is so much work to do here as well on this journey.



The next thing on my heart this year, thus far, has been relationships. As I wrote about in the last post, relationships are such finicky things. A friend recently gave a wonderful analogy about relationships. She likened them to a garden that takes tending and care. Going along with the same analogy, part of tending the garden is pulling the weeds and adding food to the soil. What would the weeds and soil food be in a relationship? What about co-dependency? What about boundaries? Let's take a look at some things that may be considered weeds in a relationship.

Is a friend "allowed" to have other friends, or must they only be friends with you? Is a friend allowed to express themselves to you without fear of recrimination? Have you ever expressed a hurt feeling or attempted to encourage someone (friend or family) only to have everything explode in your face? Then be informed that you shouldn't say such things as it might hurt someone's feelings? Yea. Me, too. What about if you have a different view than your friend/family? Does that mean you can't be friends or family anymore? How about friends who are only there when it is convenient? 

I've seen gardens and relationships that are not tended to in such a way that one could consider them to be priorities. It's not really pretty. With a garden, they've been described as an eyesore and you can certainly not often gain great food and/or flowers from them. I would propose that relationships are the same way. One of the really great things, though, is that weeding and feeding a garden can do amazing things. I would bet that doing the same to relationships can do the same. A great deal of work, but in the end it could be pretty great. Especially if one kept up the care. The issue at times? You might not want to prune, weed, or feed another one's garden. Part of this journey is acknowledging the boundaries. Staying out of other's gardens and keeping others out of ours. Yes. I will be so brave to say that I think there are things many of us can learn about relationships on this life journey.




If this is where my brain is going in only the second month of the year, I might think it wise to be afraid? To take a quote from a popular movie "to boldly go where no one has gone before." Okay. Maybe not where no one has gone before, just a new place for myself.







all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Relationships are "funny" things....

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately....Actually for a long while. Relationships come in all sorts of forms. There are parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, romantic relationships, marital relationships, friend relationships, acquaintance relationships, professional relationships. and the list goes on and on. With each of these relationships, along comes various dynamics and conflicts. We've all heard about sibling rivalries, jealousy between parents and children, conflict between spouses, and co-dependent or enmeshed relationships. 

We also see relationships with healthy boundaries. Relationships that consist in clear and open communication. When I was in college and graduate school, the idea of boundaries and self-care in relationships was taught over and over, again and again, by all professors and in all aspects of our education. One professor encouraged us to assure that our needs were satisfied in our personal lives so we were less likely to fall into unhealthy relationships in our roles as social workers. Now that I have been in the professional world for several years, I understand the warnings more clearly. When people you have worked with are stripped of their clinical privileges, it is very shocking and upsetting for all involved. 

In this post, I would like to address more intimate relationships. These are relationships within families and/or friends. In my life, I have experienced a myriad of intimate relationships with my siblings, parents, ex-husband, children, and close friends. I would like to be able to say that these were healthy relationships with good boundaries and healthy communication, but that was not the case in many of them. I was raised in a family that appeared more authoritarian than not and we were discouraged from evaluating our feelings. A family in which obedience was the word, not talking about our feelings. I never knew what boundaries were. I only knew how to be obedient. Then I married a man who was also not "feelings" observant, so we ended up in an unhealthy relationship and ultimately divorcing many years later. Oddly enough, my children will tell you that my primary lesson in their upbringing was communication. More than anything, I wanted to have an open relationship with my children and wanted them to know that they were able to come to me with and about anything and everything. Now that they are young adults, I would like to say that this has been a successful venture. They each have their struggles, however they will both say that we have an open, honest relationship in which we have a lot of respect for one another. I am pleased with that. 

With my parents, our relationship is more surface in nature. I'm kind of the odd duck in my family, as I prefer reality in relationships and feel completely disconnected when there is limited communication. Much of my family of origin is similar to that as well as extended family. Through the years, I have learned that people find me deep, almost intensely so, and anything but surface. The few people who know me well, know that I require loyalty, openness, and honesty. I don't like to play games. I don't do well when someone pulls back from me, and then likes to pretend to be a close friend. Some might say that I am all or nothing in these close relationships. 

To complicate things, my primary love language is words of affirmation. One thing that many people don't realize is that love languages can be used to express love, cause harm, and can be withheld. For instance, if someone experiences love with the love language of physical touch, they are the child who does not do well with spanking as a discipline. They are the person who loves snuggling and feels neglected when touch is withheld. For me, growing up in a home like mine, I was considered a talker. A person who rambled and had a difficult time shutting up. As I grew up, when I realized that my language is words of affirmation, I understood that much of the reason I talked so much was because I was searching for love and affection from those around me. 

Now, let's fast forward to my adult world. I have found relationships to be quite interesting. Being an extrovert, I am energized by being around people and in relationships. This often leads to many friendships, some long lasting, others brief acquaintances, and everywhere in between. I have experienced close friendships in which we are like family, friendships that are more surface, friendships that exist due to them being friends of friends/family, and short-term friendships. I have friends who have been with me through so many stages of life. Friends who sat with me or in the waiting room of hospitals (whether it was me or family members who were patients), helped me raise my children, spent hours on the telephone (chatting, crying, laughing), were with me during the births of my children, held me accountable for life decisions, prayed with me and for me, met me for coffee, etc, etc... I have cherished these relationships more than the friends could ever know. I would like to think that I was there as well for some of my friends during their times of need. 

We have all heard the quote "people come into your lives for a reason, season, and/or a lifetime." Something that I worked on in my learning to "return" last year is returning my relationships to God. My prayer is that God return to me whatever He wants me to have. At the beginning of this post, I said that I have been pondering relationships for a long while.A post I wrote a long time ago was about feeling I am not good enough. One of the things that causes the feelings of not being good enough are the words used by others when they describe me, speak to me, or withhold from me. 

In pondering relationships, I look at relationships with people whom I considered close friends or family. Some of these people whom I cherish have appeared to move on with their lives. Communication has gradually been withheld from me. Over the past couple of years, there have been less and less attempts at communication towards and with me. They will engage in relationships with others, but not me. They communicate with others, hang out, schedule time together, go on day trips, become involved with their lives, have phone conversations, etc. I have been feeling like I am not a priority in these relationships. Then, of course, this gives the evil one the opportunity to hurl darts my direction and remind me that these people are moving on without me, don't need me, and have ended the season of the relationship. I'm not good enough to be in a relationship for a lifetime, right? I'm not worth their time and energy.

Please note that I do understand, after being on this journey of accepting, resting and returning, that my worth is not determined by the view of other people. It does, however, still hurt to think that those who I've loved so dearly have moved me down the list of priorities. People who once said they loved being in relationship with me choose to move on to bigger and better relationships. Communicate my pain to these people, you suggest? I have attempted to do so with some of these relationships and through the years. The end result has been that they say I victimize and lash out at them. I am verbally attacked, called names, and relationships are ended whether it is with family or friends. What do you do when you are no longer a priority to someone? How do you handle the fact that they would rather walk away than show love? That they would prefer to withhold your love language? Maybe this is all part of the journey I am on to learn how to see myself through God's lens. I sure wish the journey wasn't quite so painful for all involved. Not funny at all. 


                                                                                              all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Starting my JOURNEY through 2015

Each year I hear about New Year's resolutions and each year I hear people say that they failed to complete the year with the resolution still in tact. Several years ago, I was introduced to One Word 365, which encourages people to focus on one word for the year instead of a list of resolutions. I feel like this has been an amazing experience. At the end of each year, I spend much time in prayer, asking God to tell me which word He would like for me to focus on. This year, I feel like God has told me to focus on the word "JOURNEY." 


My previous years' words have entailed "accepting," "resting," and "returning" so hearing that the word for 2015 is "journey" definitely peaked my interest. According to my friend, Google, the definition of journey is "an act of traveling from one place to another" and "a long and often difficult process of personal change and development." In the verb form, it can be used to describe "making one's way." Some Scriptures I found about journeys are:

"The Lord said to Abram, 'Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.'"             ~ Genesis 12:1-2

"Then they said to him, 'Please inquire of God so we will know if we will have a successful journey.' The priest told him, 'Go in peace. The Lord is watching over the journey you are going on.'" ~ Judges 18:5-6

"Only a few years will pass before I take the path of no return." ~ Job 16:22

"The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything."                                                                           ~ Deuteronomy 2:7

"who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go."   ~ Deuteronomy 1:33

Then I found some interesting quotes:

 "Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home."     ~ Matsuo Basho

 "Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination."   ~ Drake

 "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."       ~ Lao Tzu






And, of course I can't have a post about journeying without the verse God gave me so long ago. This verse often reminds me of where God is calling me to be and that He is always there with me. 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" 
                       ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13








Well, I'm not really sure where this year will find me, however, if this year is anything at all like the past few, the journey will be pretty interesting. I will do everything I can do make sure I gather pictures and souvenirs from the trip. 

 

 

                                                                                                all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Pondering My Year of Returning

So......it is now the end of 2014 and, as seems to be the theme for this time of year, I have been reflecting on the past year. The word God gave me for 2014 was RETURN. I have spent much of the year, focusing on returning everything back to God. My attempt was to give everything back to Him and only accept what God gave back to me. It may sound like an odd venture, but focusing on that has certainly helped keep my attitude in a different place.

It has been more than six months since I last blogged. This is because my life has been incredibly busy. As I write this particular post I am in Hood River, Oregon on a much needed vacation. When I last posted in this blog, I had just given my final notice at a job that I loved, where I was working with people who had become great friends, and was hired by a local hospital emergency room. Since June, I have been working night shifts each week, building my private practice, singing in the church choir, and learning how to be a mom to two young adults. It is such a new experience for me to have adult children. I'm still processing that change so will likely discuss that in a later post. As for now, I believe I have begun to understand why God gave me the word "RETURN" to work on for 2014.

Stepping out of my comfort zone in my professional world has been quite the challenge. I am learning how to adapt to working in a medical field, which has been a good experience for me. My private practice continues to grow in ways that amaze me and I have been given the honor to work with people who allow me into their lives, work with their children, and in their marriages. I constantly have to remember to return my career to God so I stay in line with His goal for this world where He has called me to go.

As far as my personal life, learning to return every aspect has begun to become a coping mechanism. Returning my finances, my relationships, and my health to God helps me stay more focused on God's will for my life than my frequently poor judgment. Trusting that God has a plan when finances are tight, that health concerns are controlled only by God, and that the relationship to keep focused on is my relationship with God are all definitely goals to keep in mind. Previously, when I would feel hurt in my relationships with family or friends, I would translate that into my own self worth. In returning these situations to God, I am learning to not allow other people to have that much power in my life. My self-worth is more appropriately evaluated through God's lens, not the lens of others. Boundary setting at it's best. 

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart."                                                                                                                                        ~ Jeremiah 24:7

An interesting side note as also occurred in focusing on returning everything to God. I have found myself becoming more focused on gratitude. In the midst of returning people, situations, and decisions to God I realize that I feel thankful for God's GPS system and the circumstances He allows. Pretty productive year, I do believe. I sure wonder what 2015 will hold as I consider my "JOURNEY."

"Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us as the winter rains, like the spring rains that waters the earth." ~ Hosea 6:3

                                                                                            all contents (c) 2014 Laura Inglis

PEACEFUL PROGRESS

This evening, my best friend and I decided to head off to the movies. We don't do that very often. Both of us are normally pretty worn out from slam packed days. I have been working regularly at my private practice that keeps growing ever so steadily and continuing to work my last remaining days at the community mental health agency. She has been applying for jobs, piecing together slight income from small part time jobs and beginning her own private tutoring business. Our household has also undergone a fairly dramatic lifestyle change that is helping each of us to feel better, drop some unwanted pounds, and attempt to take much improved care of our bodies. Fortunately my bestie has been home more often and has been willing to do most of the cooking and food preparation for our home so all three of us are able to persevere through this change. My daughter and I are so totally blessed that we have such an amazing roomie.

So I digress. As we were leaving the theater (yes, we splurged at the snack bar in the theater, but one is allowed that once in a while, right?), I felt an overwhelming since of peace come over me. I began thinking about my life and where I am sitting right now. I remembered the words God said to me at the beginning of this year. He said that we were done trudging through the tunnel we had been in for such an incredibly long time and were about to see the fruits of our labor. We were heading for the light at the end of the tunnel. Funny. I had been too busy struggling and surviving for such a long time that I had not even noticed that I was trudging through life until He used those words to me. Then I realized that was right. I had been trudging and that is why I had been so weary and worn. I have been struggling to learn how to accept, to rest, and now return. 

Career changes have been a HUGE part of my recent journey. After I gave notice at my full time job, I agreed to work part-time until they found my replacement. This gave me more time to continue building my practice, yet did not leave my team in a lurch. After a couple of weeks, I felt I needed to give my final notice, which I did. During the same week I felt I needed to give notice, another opportunity fell in my lap. I had been attempting for several years to find a job as a hospital ER social worker, though was continually denied due to lack of medical experience. I finally stopped looking, as I figured this was not meant to be. To make a long story short, a friend/colleague encouraged me to apply for an available ER job. This job would go hand in hand with my private practice and would provide me stable income, benefits, access to numerous resources in the same county where my private practice is at, and remain current in the social work field. I had not been looking at all for this, yet applied and was offered the job immediately after my interview. An on the spot job offer has only happened one other time in my life 23 years ago. Amazing.

The job offer, as exciting as it was, was not the most amazing part of this process for me. I have always (yes always) been a person who has lacked the self confidence to speak about my strengths with confidence. Sell myself in an interview? Gulp. Okay. I can try. This time? Well, I had given the decision to God. Completely. If I was hired, fine. If I wasn't hired? That's okay, too. The interview was not stressful. I was able to answer the questions about my skill set, experience, strengths, goals, etc with confidence. I had returned the interview results over to God. 100%. And, of course, He did not fail. He gave me exactly what I needed, including the peace about His decision, no matter what that was.

My daughter is graduating from high school next weekend. My second child. My baby. My only daughter. My son graduated five years ago and that was incredible. This is my last one. She made it through and I am done parenting. I will always be their mom. Always. I will always be there for them to offer advice when requested, guidance, support, love, etc. BUT I am no longer responsible for their decisions. It is now time for me to be responsible for myself. Just me. What an odd thought. All of my adult life, I have been responsible for my (ex) husband or my children. For the first time since I was 18 years old, I am responsible only for myself. I also realized that I am so tired of trying to live up to the expectations of other people in my life. I want to live the way I believe God is telling me to live. 

One of the other things that came with the wave of peace was the realization that I am happy with my life. Financially strapped with the job changes? Sure. Nervous about starting the new job? Absolutely. Sad to be leaving my friends, colleagues, and clients who I have worked with for so long? For sure. However, I am learning to actually like myself. I like that I can choose for myself what I want for my life, where I want to go, who I want to be with, etc. As I was realizing all of this, the words from God came back to me. I am not trudging anymore. I CAN see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then a passage of Scripture came to me.

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." ~ Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)

A peace that passes all understanding. WOW!! What an indescribable feeling. All of the work God has done in my life is finally getting through this thick skull of mine. I am pretty excited to see what He has in store next. A dear friend mentioned to me the other night that my faith would not be as strong as it is right now without my cancer history. You know what? He's partially right. It took more than just the cancer to build my faith. It took the many years of trudging to get through the tunnel I have been in for so many years. Was it worth it for the peace that I have right now? For me? You betcha.

What about you? Is trudging worth it for you to reach the peaceful place? Are you willing to plug through, knowing this is what's on the other side? I sure hope so. It is an AWESOME place to be. I would like to think that I am that much closer to being able to sit at my Father's feet, or even in His lap. Maybe that's the next step.

Giving it Back to God

As I try to spend this year returning everything to God, I realize that means I have to focus on Him to be sure I don't hold onto what I need to give back. I heard this song this evening and thought it was a great one to keep in mind and figured it may touch some of your hearts like it did mine. It's not about me. It's ALL about Him.

Lesson in Learning How to Trust

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here. The last time I did, I was in a confusing place, questioning where I was at in this journey. I believed I was following the path laid out for me, but I felt lost, as things were not clear. Well, apparently I just needed to wait a bit longer for my private practice to begin moving forward. At this point, I have hit the place when I feel I have to either "fish or cut bait." I need to either be able to focus on this ministry where God has called me, or remain in the "safe place" at the agency where I have spent nearly seven years of my life. I really felt called to leave my full time job and focus on the agency God has been setting up. I have been averaging 7-9 clients a week after working a full day at the other job, both locations separated by over 30 miles. It has been a journey for certain, however I find myself incredibly excited about what God has in store for Serenity Hope Counseling.


That said, reality and practicality pop into my head in the form of (as is so frequently the case) finances. I am unable to live off of the money I am earning in the private practice, plus there is the overhead, and the fact that I will have to pay for my own health insurance. Wow. Okay. Well, God will take care of it, if He is calling me to it, right? Now enter the fact that my daughter is preparing to graduate from high school this year, resulting in the fact that her father will begin easing off of the child support. I have been amazingly fortunate in that he offered to cut down the support in chunks so I won't lose all of it at one time. He will take a portion each year over the next four years. Trust me. For this, I am SO grateful. That said, each chunk is a chunk out of our budget, while I will be losing my "guaranteed" income at my job. And now shall we add to it that our roommate has just lost her job. She is a teacher and may not be employed again until fall. She pays 1/3 of our household bills as well as her own debt. 

"Lord, are you really calling me to leave my job? Can we really afford to live on no stable income?"

We have asked our prayer warrior friends and support system to join us in prayer. I have resigned from my full time position as I feel I was instructed. Now I sit and ask God for confirmation and wonder how this will all play out. Remember that my word for 2014 was to RETURN? I felt I was told I needed to consistently return everything to God and make use of what He gave back to me. Oh. Right. Got it. Easy? Not a chance. In January, as I struggled with feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I returned my practice to God and have continued to do so. Part of returning the practice is returning my career. What about my finances? What about the future of our home and family? Yep. I must return this. 

In August, God laid this song on my heart that continued to follow me. A song that pleads for God to teach me how to trust without borders. To keep my eyes always on my Savior. This has consistently been my prayer over the past several months.

   Recently, this song has begun to speak to me as well. 

Do I believe that God is in control? Do I believe that He will return to me everything He wants for me to have? Do I believe enough that I will return everything to Him? This morning, I was reading a book by an author and speaker who I absolutely find amazing. Andy Andrews has a way of telling stories unlike anyone I have ever heard. This is a passage from his book, The Noticer Returns.

"Do you think Jones is lost?" Christy asked. 

"No," Baker said. "No, I don't."

"You are correct," came a voice from the darkness. And when they looked, Jones was less than ten feet from them. His flashlight must have been in his pocket because the old man was very close, yet they had not seen him. There were general comments from the three, but it was not a joyful welcome. They were relieved he was there, but they weren't certain if they were happy with him. 

"How long have you been here?" Sealy demanded. "How long have you been standing right here?" 

"The whole time," Jones admitted. 

"That's not true," Christy said accusingly. "You left us alone out here."        "No, I didn't," Jones replied. "I was around. I always am."  

..............

Jones waited for anyone else to speak up. When no one did, he brushed off a place on the ground, eased to one knee, and asked, "So...what are you going to do?" There was still no response. "Maybe now's the time to quit and go back the way you came. You know for sure what's behind you. It can't be any worse... On the other hand, you have no clue what lies ahead." He cocked his head and smiled mysteriously. "And it could get a lot worse. Truly, you don't know whether this thorny chaos will last five more minutes or five more hours." 

He stood up and addressed the three of them. "As I said, you were never alone. In fact, my eyes have been on you at every moment. Less than thirty minutes ago, when this particular part of your journey began, you were close enough to me that, had you asked, I would have held your hand or even carried you. "At the beginning I asked you to do one thing. As you stepped into the unknown, I issued a single, very simple instruction. That instruction, as casual and unimportant as it might have sounded to you only half an hour ago, continues even now to be the critical component that will determine your future, which begins with the success or failure of tonight's adventure." 

Jones looked carefully at the three people before him. They were damaged and dirty, exhausted and wary, but he loved them even when they ignored him or rejected his efforts to help as they had done this evening. With a patient smile the old man simply explained the path they had chosen and the immediate results that choice had produced. 

"Ignoring my instruction, your minds quite naturally drifted from the safety that wise counsel can provide. Of course, your physical actions quickly followed, and just that quickly" - Jones snapped his fingers - "you were in trouble. Darkness commands an inordinate amount of attention from a person who is unprepared and unprotected. Attention to darkness produces doubt. When a person is distracted and weakened by struggles, doubt whispers a message logically urging surrender; and soon, that person's focus is on his own discomfort, his fear and anger, regret and resentment. That is precisely what happened with you," Jones noted. "'Follow me,' I said. It was my only request. When you did not, the inevitable occurred, and you lost sight of me completely. To you, it seemed as though I were not there at all. Yet, even then, had you only stopped to call my name, I would have made my presence known, and your vision - your vision that sees even in the darkness - would have returned." 

Without a glance away from them, Jones pointed in the direction of the bay. "For I know well the plans I have made for you," he said. "These are plans to prosper you - not to allow harm to come to you - but plans to give you hope and an incredible future." Jones picked up his duffel bag. "So let's try this again, shall we? Follow me," he said and turned as if to go. Incredibly, still, the three hesitated, glancing nervously at each other.

"Where are we going?" Baker asked. "Son," Jones said with a sigh, "if we leave right now, all will be well. But if you continue to question everything I say, you will not accomplish anything. Is it not enough that you know I would not get you up in the middle of the night and bring you through all of this without some purpose?" 

Baker was in pain. His wife was bleeding. Christy was in no better shape. "Jones...I just don't understand." "Yes, I know that you don't," Jones replied, "but it's an odd thing you've been unable to grasp...See, I'm not requiring you to understand. I am simply urging you to obey. For it is only when you obey that, eventually, you begin to understand." 

Jones gestured for them to come close. When they had gathered in a tight group, the old man pointed in the direction of the wind and spoke. "The bay is there. You did not know how close you were when you quit. There is still time. There is more difficult terrain to traverse. Yes, before you are out of this wilderness, you might stumble, and you may fall. But listen to me...you make it to that bay even if you have to crawl.

"Every step you take is a step of faith. If you can't see in front of you, walk on, and just believe. Don't despair. Whisper words of prayer. And when you get there..." Jones shook his head, laughing softly. Placing his arms around them, he squeezed and finished what he was about to say. "When you get there, the miracle, I promise, will be waiting in the water." 

~ Andy Andrews, The Noticer Returns (p. 198-201, (c) 2013)




I am constantly in AWE of the way God knows just the right message and timing to speak to my heart. He only wants me to follow Him. He wants me to take the steps of faith without taking my eyes away from His.

One more thing that happened last night. After asking some friends to pray for our home during these current struggles and fears, one of my friends chose to add some perspective with her prayers. Earlier this month I underwent my second annual CT scan to check on the status of my abdominal area and any possible recurrence of the appendix cancer. At the same time these struggles began in earnest, I was given the word that I remain cancer free. My friend's words of reminder also caused me to recall an incident only a week prior to my check-up. My 18 year old daughter experienced a car malfunction at night that could have been a devastating accident. The bottom line was that this new driver was driving highway speed at night, alone, when her car ended up spinning out of control, stopping sideways in the fast lane with cars coming towards her. Without going into too many details, she was not hit, experienced the kindness of a stranger who stopped to check on her, and was ultimately able to drive away in one piece. God took His hands, guided her car safely and protected anyone from hitting her. He took care of my daughter, HIS daughter. Both of these add quite a bit of perspective to current life circumstances... as well as my take away. ACCEPT, REST, RETURN, TRUST, and OBEY. What a year 2014 looks to be.