Just Be Held

I heard this song today and it completely spoke to me. So often we try SO hard to hold on, forgetting that God is holding onto us. It's in these times that He just wants us to let Him hold us. It makes me remember when my kids were small, scared, or hurt and terrified. They were frantically holding on, arms wrapped around my neck. It was during some of these times that I had to pull their arms away from my neck and wrap them completely within my arms, so they would be 100% safe. That's the visual when I hear this song. God just wants us to allow His arms to be wrapped around us. No fighting. Just sit and allow Him to hold us safely and securely. If only we wouldn't fight so hard. Sigh.....

Today I Grieve

Today I am wearing black. I'm wearing black because I grieve. I grieve over the state of our world. I grieve over so many lost relationships that we felt were impenetrable. I grieve over the horrendous happenings around the world. Paris was bombed. Refugees are trying to find a safe place to go, having to leave their war-torn homes. Unborn children continue to be killed. Children are killing their parents. Parents are killing their children. Marriages are falling apart. 

Families are divided. Unemployment continues for so many people or is just around the corner for others. Families are 
losing their homes, resulting in being forced to live in dirty motels (the only thing they can afford, but at least it's a roof over their head), in their car (that may not even run due to inability to afford gas), or in a cardboard box or tent on the streets or in the woods. Children are bullied at school or in the neighborhood...or on social media. Adults are bullied at work. Opinions are deemed not opinions, but facts. We're so competitive that we care more about being right than we do the relationship with the person we're speaking with. OR than we do about possibly learning something and changing our perspective. It IS possible, you know.

We hear a knock on the door. The knock that sounds like it's "supposed" to be a friend (You know the one - Shave and a haircut?). Then you find it's some strange man and you're alone in the home with your child. NO idea what he wants so, concerned for safety, you don't answer the door. OR you run to your gun. You know? The gun that we are supposed to have or NOT supposed to have, depending on the political view someone has. 


We used to hear that one can discuss anything, EXCEPT for politics and religion. No more. Now either you agree with those around you, or you risk alienating the people you care so much about. So you stand quiet. There is so much you could add to the conversation, however....you know they won't hear you and you will likely lose the relationship because you're on the OTHER side, therefore not a friend. Either you believe in gun control or you endorse the killing of children. Either you support that homosexuals can marry or you're a homophobic. Either you agree that homosexuality is "spinal cord sin" and you're a perverted human or you lack understanding and must hate those who are in love with someone of the same gender. Either you believe in spanking your children to maintain control/discipline or you are a permissive parent. Either you avoid spanking your child or you're an abusive parent. If a middle aged single mother and her best female girlfriend live together as roommates, to help support one another emotionally, financially, spiritually, then they must be lesbians. If a single mother is financially unable to support her children or is not present as she is working or taking classes (so she can find a job to support her family), she's neglectful and "should not" have custody of her children.

I grieve that violence appears to be the only response to be heard. I grieve because we run

a risk everyday to be harmed or killed in a random shooting, or a road rage incident, or even in our own home. I grieve because gangs are the only family some people are able to hold as their own, even if that particular gang is one who implements violence as it's way of holding it's territory or to place revenge for some believed wrong. I grieve that those who have committed to serve and protect are targeted whether that police officer is a "dirty cop" or is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I grieve that people who have willingly joined the military to fight for our freedoms are not being cared for by the same country they serve and fight for.

I grieve. My heart is broken. My eyes tear and water threatens to roll down my cheek, onto my black sweatshirt. Then I am reminded by these still small words I hear inside my heart:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:10

In my grief, I cry out to God and ask why. Why is this happening? Why, when so many are trying to be obedient, when many are trying to seek Your will, are we feeling we are being punished? Why are children hurting? Why are people who confess Your name and seek to be obedient turning on one another? Why is it when we choose to love through Your lens, that we are judged and condemned? I don't understand, LORD. Why? Then I read God's conversation with Job and consider this:

"Then Job replied to the Lord: I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. "You said,'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.' My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." ~ Job 42:1-6

I don't know Your plan, Father God. What I do know is that, in my grief, so do you grieve. You tell us that You catch every tear. You feel every hurt. In the midst of this pain, of this horrible time of this world, my job is to:

 "Be still and know that I am God." ~ Psalm 46:10

......and continue to LOVE, even in my grief.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" ~ Matthew 22:37-39

all contents (c) Laura Inglis

Travel Update

It's been a while since I sat down to write on here. There have been some pretty significant changes in this year of journeying. I always felt this was a safe place to express my feelings and work out some of my ponderings, however when I am privately approached by someone accusing me of writing a veiled message to them, it makes one feel it isn't so safe. After some time, I have chosen to return to one of my outlets. I don't know how many people read this, but it truly is my place to write out my thoughts and feelings. If it touches someone else and helps them on their journey, then I am grateful. If it is just thrown out into the world wide web to never be read by anyone, then I've still exercised the opportunity to process what is going on in my head. So, if you are reading this, I encourage you to take what works for you and leave the rest for another time or person.

2015 is halfway over and I continue on quite the journey, for sure. My career continues to shift, leaving me to wonder what in the world it will look like this time next year...or in the next five years. God never ceases to amaze me as He plants seeds of contacts, ideas, and other building blocks for my private practice. I moved into a new office space last month that is pretty incredible. I still share a suite of offices with other colleagues, though we all have so much more space. I'll likely be there for at least the next three years. I'm curious as to what it will all look like by then. I remain in awe that clients or friends of clients will refer people to me for counseling, that pastors will send parishioners to me, fellow hospital social workers, previous clients returning after several months, etc. Another interesting part of this journey is my confidence level in my career. For someone who has struggled so hard with self-image and self confidence, this building confidence is a bit of a shock to my system.

In my personal life, there are other changes. People who meant the world to me have chosen to discredit years of close relationship and move on with their lives. I wish we could

have sat down and discussed the feelings and clarify possible miscommunication, yet I have to respect the feelings of the others and wait for an open door. Hurtful words spoken and relationships ended this way is not a part of the journey that is pleasant. I pray that the door opens again and God do what only He can do with these children of His. I also recently heard that there are people who I believed accepted me as family, have an issue with my presence at gatherings. Do I confront this issue or do I just wait it out? The past few years have involved several issues with relationships in my life. My first question is, obviously, to wonder if I have done something wrong in the relationship. What happens when I realize that my role involved my desire to have open/honest communication, acceptance, and accountability? Are these concepts wrong? What kind of person do I want to be in relationships? Do I want to be what someone referred to as a "bobble-head friend"? Do I want competition in my relationships? For the record, I was raised in a home of athletes, FULL of competition. I know competition more than I ever wanted to know. To be honest, I hate competition, especially in relationships. Remember the acceptance, open/honest communication, and accountability that I mentioned? What role does competition have in these healthy relationship tools? No so much, I would bet. 

One of the biggest parts of my journey this year has been my relationship with God. I have found myself spending more and more time reading God's Word, standing on the foundation that my faith has been built upon. One of our pastors mentioned a while back about the idea of "the first 15." This was about dedicating the first part of the day with God. Most of my time with God had historically been at night, as I tend to be a night person. Okay, actually through all of my life I have been a night person. Just ask my parents. (LOL!) What I discovered is, by bookending my days in time with God, it keeps my focus on Him. This is my favorite part of my journey this year. Getting to know more about God's character and embracing my walk with Him is something I would like to make sure I continue for a long time. To be honest, this part of my journey is what has gotten me through the tough parts of my journey through 2015. Learning to accept God's love for me, that I was created in His image, and that His plans are always the best and successful, is not easy to grasp for sure, but definitely worthwhile.

I'd like to end this post with the other thing that has been my focus on this year's journey. Gratitude. I can be grateful for the times had and the memories created with people currently in my life and those no longer actively involved with me. I can give the hurt to God and ask Him to renew dismembered relationships and continue to love these folks through His lens. I can worry about my career and whether or not it will succeed and allow me to appropriately support myself or I can be grateful for the amazing opportunity to love my clients through God's lens. I can be grateful that God gives me the honor to walk through difficult journeys with people who are struggling and hurting. Sometimes I have a hard time accepting that He trusts me with that honor and privilege. I am grateful for so many things in my life.

                                                A home that is safe and comfortable. 

                                                                Dependable transportation.

                                The privilege of being Mom to two AMAZING children. 

That God put His protective arms around my son in the middle of dangerous situations. 

The ability to work towards being debt free, hopefully in the foreseeable future.

That I get to live with my best friend and my daughter as my roommates.

          The freedom to worship God if, when, and how I choose.

The opportunity to eat a healthy diet and attempt to take care of the body God has given me. After surviving cancer and dealing with chronic pain/illness, I realize how tenuous life and health can be.

The honor to pray with my clients when they ask and to incorporate faith and Scripture in therapy when requested by my clients. 

The freedom to be myself and be real in all aspects of my life.

Fun times with family this summer.

The honor to have been invited to celebrate several graduations and a wedding with friends and family. 

The opportunity to travel this summer. ROAD TRIP, HERE WE COME!! 

"To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." ~  2 Thessalonians 1:11-12



"For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving," ~ 1 Timothy 4:4


"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes it's boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together! I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed." ~ Psalm 34:1-5

all contents (c 2015) Laura Inglis

Prayer for You

Your child is hurting, Father. Your child is struggling. Your child is wandering. Please touch your child's heart. Your child is sick. Your child is seeking love from wrong sources. Please help your child feel Your love. Please let Your child know that your love is a love like no other and has no strings attached. Please allow Your child to know that no amount of wandering is too far for You to reach. Please shine Your light into the dark pit that has Your child scared and feeling alone. Please help Your child to feel Your presence and help Your child to find the way out of the darkness.

Your child is finding rest and solace in dark places where You are not present. Please Lord, wrap Your arms around Your child and provide healing, direction, and wisdom. Please help Your child to begin discerning Your will from the will of the evil one. Please help Your child to avoid snares set by the one who wants harm for Your child. Your child is making choices that sadden You and worry others. Please help the other children as they attempt to offer love, support, encouragement, and appropriate accountability to one another. Please help the relationships You have set in place be determined and led by You and only You.

Father God, we know that You want us to willingly enter Your presence. I ask that Your child choose to enter into the presence of the Most High and Holy Lord Almighty. You have plans for Your child. I ask that You see Your plans through on Your child's journey. Thank You for the work You choose to do, whatever that looks like. I trust that Your will be done. YOU FATHER GOD ARE AWESOME!!



all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Working Through Acknowledging My Own Love Language

In recent weeks, I have been pondering my journey over the past few years. Evaluating my struggle with feeling that I am not good enough, struggle with relationships, and how to view myself through the lens of the Most Holy One. Being a clinical social worker by profession, I work with clients on a daily basis who struggle with low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. As well as self-image issues, there are frequently relationship conflicts and expressions of feeling unloved and unappreciated. Part of therapy includes researching the "whys" and "hows" of feeling unloved and one of the things I discovered a long time ago is the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. If you have never heard about the 5 Love Languages, I highly recommend taking a look. Here are brief descriptions of each of the languages that Dr. Chapman provides: 

Words of Affirmation - "Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, 'I love you,' are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten."

 Quality Time - "In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says 'I love you' like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful."

 Receiving Gifts - "Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures."

 Acts of Service - "Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an Acts of Service person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear are, 'Let me do that for you.' Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them, tell those with this language their feelings don’t matter."

 Physical Touch - "This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive."

                                                                       

As a therapist, I have the opportunity to spend a great deal of time thinking on mental health and relationships. Yes, most of my time is spent with clients in my office and/or my patients in the emergency room, yet the situations that my clients/patients struggle with often cause me to reflect on my worldview and how I might respond in similar scenarios. Many people have heard about the 5 Love Languages, however I've discovered that many don't realize that, as Dr. Chapman points out, the language in which one can feel most loved can also be used to cause significant harm if used in a neglectful, critical, or thoughtless manner. 

Most people who have known me very long or very well, know that my primary language is Words of Affirmation. After affirming words, physical touch and quality time seem to run fairly close in the next position. In my self-exploration, I have spent time considering the situations in which I have felt hurt in various relationships. The pain has been caused by criticism, insults, belittling, condescension, neglect, avoidance, or simple apathy. I realized that the times I feel most loved, appreciated, and valued are when people take the time to acknowledge me, recognize the effort I have put into something, offer constructive criticism (wherein someone offers positive words as well as ideas of how to improve, rather than "that doesn't measure up" or "that's not right"), choose to follow through with plans to spend time with me, or just flat out offer heartfelt words of appreciation, etc.

Being raised in a home and in a culture that did not value women (unless they are of the Southern Belle variety, perhaps), I was not often provided with affirming words. This lead to the lack of self-worth, feelings of inferiority, and horrible self-image. I was always referred to as overweight (even when I weighed a whopping 120lbs at 18 yrs old) and was limited on my abilities, never good enough to measure up to anyone's standards. Most people did not encourage deep, self-reflection. Relationships either were or weren't. Conversations were rarely deep, as people became uncomfortable whenever someone attempted to address issues in which one might think differently from the flock. Religion and politics were pretty black and white. Either you stood on one side or the other and you were right and the other side was wrong. Zero gray existed in that area at that time. The idea of love languages did not exist. People who became suicidal were "sick." People who engaged in self-reflection or self-exploration were self-centered. 


As I entered adulthood and moved to a whole new world (Southern East Coast to the Pacific Northwest), self-reflection was encouraged and everyone appeared to have such an amazing understanding of themselves. This left me to trying to fit in. A woman who became a very dear friend, who I had the privilege of working with when I first moved to Washington (my first friend here, to be honest), reflected back that I appeared to be "fresh off the boat." My naivety and simple-mindedness was different to people here. Reflecting on the poor souls that had to interact with me when I moved across the country, my sympathies go out to them, for sure. I had a lot of learnin' to do to catch up. So there I was, a young woman who did not fit in down south and certainly did not fit in upon arrival in the Pacific Northwest. I was learning about how to become an independent woman from my dear friend, how to dress in a professional manner, to develop my own views, and so many other ways that one grows into an adult in a new culture. I began to be recognized as a "people pleaser" by those around me. As someone with the love language that requires affirming words, I did whatever I could do to please those around me so as not to receive the condemning or critical words. 

In the past few years, in counseling sessions, I found some of the words I have given to my clients to ring true to myself. Encouragement to evaluate situations to determine why we respond the way we do to different interactions. Why do we get hurt when we feel ignored? Why does it mean so much to have someone randomly call you just to say hi? For someone who thrives on constructive criticism, why does it hurt so much when someone is critical by nature? I began to take a hard look at myself and how I respond to the people around me and realized that I have come to a precipice. Do I acknowledge that I am worth people wanting to spend time with me and/or accept positive, affirming words or do I continue living in a world of self-condemnation? A world that allows myself to feel like people are doing me a favor to want to be my friends and that any kind words are stretching the truth because I'll never be as good as they are? How does a therapist provide counseling to people suffering from depression and self-image struggles if I don't practice my own words?

Since the cancer diagnosis a few years ago, since becoming confident in the career in which I can see investing the rest of my life, since becoming physically healthy by dropping some much needed weight and eating incredibly healthier than before, and since allowing God to draw me ever so much closer to Him, I feel like a light is turning on. I am realizing that I do have something to offer others. I am a good friend. I am loyal. My opinions do matter. The way that others treated me does say more about them than it does about me. If people want to take the time to invest in a healthy relationship with me, then they are welcomed in. If they want me to be dependent on them for my self-worth, then I choose to respond with a polite "No, thank you." I am learning to refuse to accept someone else's finger pointing of blame in my direction when I did nothing wrong. I am allowed to express my feelings. It is no longer my job to please everyone around me, especially to the detriment of my value. If someone misunderstands something that I say, then it is up to that person to speak to me about it so I am able to clarify. My character is able to speak for itself. Do words still hurt? Absolutely. If someone wants me to chase them to be their friend, then I will wait patiently until they decide they want to choose someone who is loyal, committed, an advocate, and will always take the time to put into the relationship, while respecting both sets of boundaries. Respect goes both ways and I no longer accept the darts that people have tried to send my way. 

Will I struggle with this newfound view? I have no doubt that I will have many times. I guess I will just have to keep recalling a few Scripture verses that remind me of how much my Father loves me. Try to keep the lens cleaner handy, I suppose. I will let you know how it goes. 

"The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outwards appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." ~ 1 Samuel 16:7b

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."                                                                                ~Joshua 1:9 

all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Journeying Through Some of my Thoughts

Once I was given the word "Journey" as my word for 2015,
I've been pondering what that might say I'm in for this year. As I look back to the past few years since I began the One Word 365 program, I realize that the past few years have been very enlightening and I feel I have learned so much about myself.

If you have read many of my posts, I'm quite sure that you may have gotten a pretty clear feeling that I have battled significantly with self confidence and self image. If you have thought that, then you would be correct. For many reasons, (that I have talked about to death so I won't bore you once again) I have certainly struggled in the area of seeing myself through a mentally healthy lens. The common theme of the words appear to be teaching me how to accept myself (strengths & challenges), resting (physically, mentally, & spiritually), returning (including trials, relationships, struggles, etc & wait to see what God gives back to me), and now journey (ask me at the end of 2015). Yep. Definitely cause to ponder what is in store for this year. 

 At the present moment, there are a few different areas in my life that have been on my mind. The priority in this journey we call life is always my relationship with God. A word that I've heard frequently in the past year is "brave." I've heard it so often that I was a bit surprised when that wasn't the word sent my direction this year. Be brave in our spiritual walk. Be brave and boldly go where we are called. Be brave and stand for what is right. To be brave is a pretty large order that I'm not sure I could grasp over a year. (Maybe that's my word for the decade....I'll have to ponder that one.) What I do know is part of my journey in my relationship with God is to learn to allow Him to love me in the way only my Father is able to do. To feel His love so completely and allow myself to be drawn into His arms. Wow. Just the thought of it is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I think I most assuredly have a lot of work to do for that part of the journey.

The next part of my journey that is taking quite a bit of my time and energy is my career. When I was in college, I heard many people inform other students of their "natural" social work ability. That these students will obviously be most excellent social workers. As for me? I struggled with terminology, with staying on task with the scholarly portion, and with attempting to adjust to being a "returning adult student" who was old enough to be the mother of many of my classmates and a peer to my professors. Even something as basic as a thesis statement. "What the heck is that?" (Never fear, I was quickly educated in the most basic of expectations in my paper writing.) Enter my fear of failure. My fear of falling on my face. My feelings of not being good enough. 

Now, fast forward to my current professional life. Leaving an agency where I was known and respected to go out on my own in one arena and, at the same time entering a brand new world of hospital social work. Just a little bit of anxiety, you ask? Sure. Just a little (or a lot, to be honest) of insecure feelings going on in my head through 2014. Recently, I have experienced some acknowledgement that has got my head spinning. To hear clients tell me how much I've helped them, that therapy has been a literal life saver for them, that "we looked at your website and thought you were the right person for my daughter and you were. She's so much better and I'd like for you to work with me, too." To have clients refer their friends to me, or people who I have incredible respect for to send their close friends and family my way for help. Or to advocate so hard for patients in the emergency room, going toe-to-toe with doctors, psychiatrists, nurses, insurance approval folks, or crisis teams when I feel like a person needs more help than they are able to receive just because my gut says there's a problem here. When I hear a physician tell me that "you're a life saver. You got more out of that patient than I ever could have" or "if your gut says there's a problem, then we need to trust it." To hear a supervisor request that you consider receiving supervisor training, that they are recommending an intern work with me, and that an intern would love to work with me after shadowing me for one night. To hear an intern say "Wow! I sure hope I'm that I can be as good as that one of these days. You were amazing with that patient." Or to have a sweet young adult friend of mine ask to have coffee so she can pick my brain about some career thoughts for herself or the other young adult friend who referred to me as her mentor. My thoughts when I hear those words? "Really? You are all talking to me? About me? Wait a minute. Let me make sure there's not someone behind me. Because this is not really the person that I see in the mirror everyday. How did I fool you so well? What useful information do I have for you?" Yep. I do believe there is so much work to do here as well on this journey.



The next thing on my heart this year, thus far, has been relationships. As I wrote about in the last post, relationships are such finicky things. A friend recently gave a wonderful analogy about relationships. She likened them to a garden that takes tending and care. Going along with the same analogy, part of tending the garden is pulling the weeds and adding food to the soil. What would the weeds and soil food be in a relationship? What about co-dependency? What about boundaries? Let's take a look at some things that may be considered weeds in a relationship.

Is a friend "allowed" to have other friends, or must they only be friends with you? Is a friend allowed to express themselves to you without fear of recrimination? Have you ever expressed a hurt feeling or attempted to encourage someone (friend or family) only to have everything explode in your face? Then be informed that you shouldn't say such things as it might hurt someone's feelings? Yea. Me, too. What about if you have a different view than your friend/family? Does that mean you can't be friends or family anymore? How about friends who are only there when it is convenient? 

I've seen gardens and relationships that are not tended to in such a way that one could consider them to be priorities. It's not really pretty. With a garden, they've been described as an eyesore and you can certainly not often gain great food and/or flowers from them. I would propose that relationships are the same way. One of the really great things, though, is that weeding and feeding a garden can do amazing things. I would bet that doing the same to relationships can do the same. A great deal of work, but in the end it could be pretty great. Especially if one kept up the care. The issue at times? You might not want to prune, weed, or feed another one's garden. Part of this journey is acknowledging the boundaries. Staying out of other's gardens and keeping others out of ours. Yes. I will be so brave to say that I think there are things many of us can learn about relationships on this life journey.




If this is where my brain is going in only the second month of the year, I might think it wise to be afraid? To take a quote from a popular movie "to boldly go where no one has gone before." Okay. Maybe not where no one has gone before, just a new place for myself.







all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Relationships are "funny" things....

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately....Actually for a long while. Relationships come in all sorts of forms. There are parent/child relationships, sibling relationships, romantic relationships, marital relationships, friend relationships, acquaintance relationships, professional relationships. and the list goes on and on. With each of these relationships, along comes various dynamics and conflicts. We've all heard about sibling rivalries, jealousy between parents and children, conflict between spouses, and co-dependent or enmeshed relationships. 

We also see relationships with healthy boundaries. Relationships that consist in clear and open communication. When I was in college and graduate school, the idea of boundaries and self-care in relationships was taught over and over, again and again, by all professors and in all aspects of our education. One professor encouraged us to assure that our needs were satisfied in our personal lives so we were less likely to fall into unhealthy relationships in our roles as social workers. Now that I have been in the professional world for several years, I understand the warnings more clearly. When people you have worked with are stripped of their clinical privileges, it is very shocking and upsetting for all involved. 

In this post, I would like to address more intimate relationships. These are relationships within families and/or friends. In my life, I have experienced a myriad of intimate relationships with my siblings, parents, ex-husband, children, and close friends. I would like to be able to say that these were healthy relationships with good boundaries and healthy communication, but that was not the case in many of them. I was raised in a family that appeared more authoritarian than not and we were discouraged from evaluating our feelings. A family in which obedience was the word, not talking about our feelings. I never knew what boundaries were. I only knew how to be obedient. Then I married a man who was also not "feelings" observant, so we ended up in an unhealthy relationship and ultimately divorcing many years later. Oddly enough, my children will tell you that my primary lesson in their upbringing was communication. More than anything, I wanted to have an open relationship with my children and wanted them to know that they were able to come to me with and about anything and everything. Now that they are young adults, I would like to say that this has been a successful venture. They each have their struggles, however they will both say that we have an open, honest relationship in which we have a lot of respect for one another. I am pleased with that. 

With my parents, our relationship is more surface in nature. I'm kind of the odd duck in my family, as I prefer reality in relationships and feel completely disconnected when there is limited communication. Much of my family of origin is similar to that as well as extended family. Through the years, I have learned that people find me deep, almost intensely so, and anything but surface. The few people who know me well, know that I require loyalty, openness, and honesty. I don't like to play games. I don't do well when someone pulls back from me, and then likes to pretend to be a close friend. Some might say that I am all or nothing in these close relationships. 

To complicate things, my primary love language is words of affirmation. One thing that many people don't realize is that love languages can be used to express love, cause harm, and can be withheld. For instance, if someone experiences love with the love language of physical touch, they are the child who does not do well with spanking as a discipline. They are the person who loves snuggling and feels neglected when touch is withheld. For me, growing up in a home like mine, I was considered a talker. A person who rambled and had a difficult time shutting up. As I grew up, when I realized that my language is words of affirmation, I understood that much of the reason I talked so much was because I was searching for love and affection from those around me. 

Now, let's fast forward to my adult world. I have found relationships to be quite interesting. Being an extrovert, I am energized by being around people and in relationships. This often leads to many friendships, some long lasting, others brief acquaintances, and everywhere in between. I have experienced close friendships in which we are like family, friendships that are more surface, friendships that exist due to them being friends of friends/family, and short-term friendships. I have friends who have been with me through so many stages of life. Friends who sat with me or in the waiting room of hospitals (whether it was me or family members who were patients), helped me raise my children, spent hours on the telephone (chatting, crying, laughing), were with me during the births of my children, held me accountable for life decisions, prayed with me and for me, met me for coffee, etc, etc... I have cherished these relationships more than the friends could ever know. I would like to think that I was there as well for some of my friends during their times of need. 

We have all heard the quote "people come into your lives for a reason, season, and/or a lifetime." Something that I worked on in my learning to "return" last year is returning my relationships to God. My prayer is that God return to me whatever He wants me to have. At the beginning of this post, I said that I have been pondering relationships for a long while.A post I wrote a long time ago was about feeling I am not good enough. One of the things that causes the feelings of not being good enough are the words used by others when they describe me, speak to me, or withhold from me. 

In pondering relationships, I look at relationships with people whom I considered close friends or family. Some of these people whom I cherish have appeared to move on with their lives. Communication has gradually been withheld from me. Over the past couple of years, there have been less and less attempts at communication towards and with me. They will engage in relationships with others, but not me. They communicate with others, hang out, schedule time together, go on day trips, become involved with their lives, have phone conversations, etc. I have been feeling like I am not a priority in these relationships. Then, of course, this gives the evil one the opportunity to hurl darts my direction and remind me that these people are moving on without me, don't need me, and have ended the season of the relationship. I'm not good enough to be in a relationship for a lifetime, right? I'm not worth their time and energy.

Please note that I do understand, after being on this journey of accepting, resting and returning, that my worth is not determined by the view of other people. It does, however, still hurt to think that those who I've loved so dearly have moved me down the list of priorities. People who once said they loved being in relationship with me choose to move on to bigger and better relationships. Communicate my pain to these people, you suggest? I have attempted to do so with some of these relationships and through the years. The end result has been that they say I victimize and lash out at them. I am verbally attacked, called names, and relationships are ended whether it is with family or friends. What do you do when you are no longer a priority to someone? How do you handle the fact that they would rather walk away than show love? That they would prefer to withhold your love language? Maybe this is all part of the journey I am on to learn how to see myself through God's lens. I sure wish the journey wasn't quite so painful for all involved. Not funny at all. 


                                                                                              all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Starting my JOURNEY through 2015

Each year I hear about New Year's resolutions and each year I hear people say that they failed to complete the year with the resolution still in tact. Several years ago, I was introduced to One Word 365, which encourages people to focus on one word for the year instead of a list of resolutions. I feel like this has been an amazing experience. At the end of each year, I spend much time in prayer, asking God to tell me which word He would like for me to focus on. This year, I feel like God has told me to focus on the word "JOURNEY." 


My previous years' words have entailed "accepting," "resting," and "returning" so hearing that the word for 2015 is "journey" definitely peaked my interest. According to my friend, Google, the definition of journey is "an act of traveling from one place to another" and "a long and often difficult process of personal change and development." In the verb form, it can be used to describe "making one's way." Some Scriptures I found about journeys are:

"The Lord said to Abram, 'Go from your country, your people and your father's household to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.'"             ~ Genesis 12:1-2

"Then they said to him, 'Please inquire of God so we will know if we will have a successful journey.' The priest told him, 'Go in peace. The Lord is watching over the journey you are going on.'" ~ Judges 18:5-6

"Only a few years will pass before I take the path of no return." ~ Job 16:22

"The Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this vast wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you, and you have not lacked anything."                                                                           ~ Deuteronomy 2:7

"who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go."   ~ Deuteronomy 1:33

Then I found some interesting quotes:

 "Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home."     ~ Matsuo Basho

 "Sometimes it's the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination."   ~ Drake

 "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."       ~ Lao Tzu






And, of course I can't have a post about journeying without the verse God gave me so long ago. This verse often reminds me of where God is calling me to be and that He is always there with me. 

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" 
                       ~ Jeremiah 29:11-13








Well, I'm not really sure where this year will find me, however, if this year is anything at all like the past few, the journey will be pretty interesting. I will do everything I can do make sure I gather pictures and souvenirs from the trip. 

 

 

                                                                                                all contents (c) 2015 Laura Inglis

Pondering My Year of Returning

So......it is now the end of 2014 and, as seems to be the theme for this time of year, I have been reflecting on the past year. The word God gave me for 2014 was RETURN. I have spent much of the year, focusing on returning everything back to God. My attempt was to give everything back to Him and only accept what God gave back to me. It may sound like an odd venture, but focusing on that has certainly helped keep my attitude in a different place.

It has been more than six months since I last blogged. This is because my life has been incredibly busy. As I write this particular post I am in Hood River, Oregon on a much needed vacation. When I last posted in this blog, I had just given my final notice at a job that I loved, where I was working with people who had become great friends, and was hired by a local hospital emergency room. Since June, I have been working night shifts each week, building my private practice, singing in the church choir, and learning how to be a mom to two young adults. It is such a new experience for me to have adult children. I'm still processing that change so will likely discuss that in a later post. As for now, I believe I have begun to understand why God gave me the word "RETURN" to work on for 2014.

Stepping out of my comfort zone in my professional world has been quite the challenge. I am learning how to adapt to working in a medical field, which has been a good experience for me. My private practice continues to grow in ways that amaze me and I have been given the honor to work with people who allow me into their lives, work with their children, and in their marriages. I constantly have to remember to return my career to God so I stay in line with His goal for this world where He has called me to go.

As far as my personal life, learning to return every aspect has begun to become a coping mechanism. Returning my finances, my relationships, and my health to God helps me stay more focused on God's will for my life than my frequently poor judgment. Trusting that God has a plan when finances are tight, that health concerns are controlled only by God, and that the relationship to keep focused on is my relationship with God are all definitely goals to keep in mind. Previously, when I would feel hurt in my relationships with family or friends, I would translate that into my own self worth. In returning these situations to God, I am learning to not allow other people to have that much power in my life. My self-worth is more appropriately evaluated through God's lens, not the lens of others. Boundary setting at it's best. 

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart."                                                                                                                                        ~ Jeremiah 24:7

An interesting side note as also occurred in focusing on returning everything to God. I have found myself becoming more focused on gratitude. In the midst of returning people, situations, and decisions to God I realize that I feel thankful for God's GPS system and the circumstances He allows. Pretty productive year, I do believe. I sure wonder what 2015 will hold as I consider my "JOURNEY."

"Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come to us as the winter rains, like the spring rains that waters the earth." ~ Hosea 6:3

                                                                                            all contents (c) 2014 Laura Inglis

PEACEFUL PROGRESS

This evening, my best friend and I decided to head off to the movies. We don't do that very often. Both of us are normally pretty worn out from slam packed days. I have been working regularly at my private practice that keeps growing ever so steadily and continuing to work my last remaining days at the community mental health agency. She has been applying for jobs, piecing together slight income from small part time jobs and beginning her own private tutoring business. Our household has also undergone a fairly dramatic lifestyle change that is helping each of us to feel better, drop some unwanted pounds, and attempt to take much improved care of our bodies. Fortunately my bestie has been home more often and has been willing to do most of the cooking and food preparation for our home so all three of us are able to persevere through this change. My daughter and I are so totally blessed that we have such an amazing roomie.

So I digress. As we were leaving the theater (yes, we splurged at the snack bar in the theater, but one is allowed that once in a while, right?), I felt an overwhelming since of peace come over me. I began thinking about my life and where I am sitting right now. I remembered the words God said to me at the beginning of this year. He said that we were done trudging through the tunnel we had been in for such an incredibly long time and were about to see the fruits of our labor. We were heading for the light at the end of the tunnel. Funny. I had been too busy struggling and surviving for such a long time that I had not even noticed that I was trudging through life until He used those words to me. Then I realized that was right. I had been trudging and that is why I had been so weary and worn. I have been struggling to learn how to accept, to rest, and now return. 

Career changes have been a HUGE part of my recent journey. After I gave notice at my full time job, I agreed to work part-time until they found my replacement. This gave me more time to continue building my practice, yet did not leave my team in a lurch. After a couple of weeks, I felt I needed to give my final notice, which I did. During the same week I felt I needed to give notice, another opportunity fell in my lap. I had been attempting for several years to find a job as a hospital ER social worker, though was continually denied due to lack of medical experience. I finally stopped looking, as I figured this was not meant to be. To make a long story short, a friend/colleague encouraged me to apply for an available ER job. This job would go hand in hand with my private practice and would provide me stable income, benefits, access to numerous resources in the same county where my private practice is at, and remain current in the social work field. I had not been looking at all for this, yet applied and was offered the job immediately after my interview. An on the spot job offer has only happened one other time in my life 23 years ago. Amazing.

The job offer, as exciting as it was, was not the most amazing part of this process for me. I have always (yes always) been a person who has lacked the self confidence to speak about my strengths with confidence. Sell myself in an interview? Gulp. Okay. I can try. This time? Well, I had given the decision to God. Completely. If I was hired, fine. If I wasn't hired? That's okay, too. The interview was not stressful. I was able to answer the questions about my skill set, experience, strengths, goals, etc with confidence. I had returned the interview results over to God. 100%. And, of course, He did not fail. He gave me exactly what I needed, including the peace about His decision, no matter what that was.

My daughter is graduating from high school next weekend. My second child. My baby. My only daughter. My son graduated five years ago and that was incredible. This is my last one. She made it through and I am done parenting. I will always be their mom. Always. I will always be there for them to offer advice when requested, guidance, support, love, etc. BUT I am no longer responsible for their decisions. It is now time for me to be responsible for myself. Just me. What an odd thought. All of my adult life, I have been responsible for my (ex) husband or my children. For the first time since I was 18 years old, I am responsible only for myself. I also realized that I am so tired of trying to live up to the expectations of other people in my life. I want to live the way I believe God is telling me to live. 

One of the other things that came with the wave of peace was the realization that I am happy with my life. Financially strapped with the job changes? Sure. Nervous about starting the new job? Absolutely. Sad to be leaving my friends, colleagues, and clients who I have worked with for so long? For sure. However, I am learning to actually like myself. I like that I can choose for myself what I want for my life, where I want to go, who I want to be with, etc. As I was realizing all of this, the words from God came back to me. I am not trudging anymore. I CAN see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then a passage of Scripture came to me.

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." ~ Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)

A peace that passes all understanding. WOW!! What an indescribable feeling. All of the work God has done in my life is finally getting through this thick skull of mine. I am pretty excited to see what He has in store next. A dear friend mentioned to me the other night that my faith would not be as strong as it is right now without my cancer history. You know what? He's partially right. It took more than just the cancer to build my faith. It took the many years of trudging to get through the tunnel I have been in for so many years. Was it worth it for the peace that I have right now? For me? You betcha.

What about you? Is trudging worth it for you to reach the peaceful place? Are you willing to plug through, knowing this is what's on the other side? I sure hope so. It is an AWESOME place to be. I would like to think that I am that much closer to being able to sit at my Father's feet, or even in His lap. Maybe that's the next step.