Learning to rest in gratitude

A while back, I began hearing many reviews of and recommendations that we read the book One Thousand Gifts . It kind of stuck in my head until I bought it and recently began reading it. I haven't quite finished reading the book yet, however there are several areas that have struck a chord in me. I thought this particular topic was worthy of talking about here.

One of the ideas the author really focuses on is our inability to experience full joy if we do not show gratitude. I have been pondering that concept since I read it a few weeks ago and began observing my own attitude and mood in relationship to my feelings of gratitude or of ungratefulness. I also began considering the difference between real appreciation vs expressing gratefulness because that's what we're supposed to do. What I noticed is that when I focused on looking for things to be thankful for, I found myself seeking the good in many situations and my mood was improved. I am certain most of us have heard the phrase..."fake it til you feel it." While I believe that has its place, I wonder if it would be more helpful to focus our minds on things to be grateful for instead of attempting to force a "good mood."


Traffic is backed up or stopped, causing me to be late for my appointment, work, or wherever I am headed. 

I could become angry, frustrated, or anxious. My blood pressure could raise horribly. Road rage could be a possibility. OR could I find something to be grateful for while I am sitting there waiting to move the next 2 feet? Maybe I could actually listen to the words to the song on the radio. I may find myself drawn into worship. I could "car watch," checking out the different makes and colors of cars surrounding me. What about the color of the sky, the colors of the leaves, the mountains in the horizon? I could be grateful that I have a car with gas to get me where I need to go. If I am on a bus, I could people watch. I could be grateful that I am not the one driving in this traffic mess. There are so many things I could notice if I just shifted my attitude and looked.


The only phone calls I get from my children are when they need something.

That could certainly frustrate the strongest of parents. I could become bitter that I gave so much of my life raising these people and I find I have to keep giving and keep giving. Are they ever grateful? OR I could be grateful that my children know where they can turn when they need help. I could be touched that they see me as someone who they can depend on. That I have the children in the first place. That I have children who actually want to talk to me. (For the record, my children are amazing and I absolutely adore whatever time I get to have with them. I miss having them both together in my home. There is nothing better than snuggling with my kiddos, hearing the sibling banter, cooking for my family. sigh...)


Today has been incredibly stressful at work.


When we spend most of our awake time at work, hard days can definitely make keeping a positive attitude a challenge. Why does my boss just pick on me? Why are the clients so ungrateful? Why does this day seem to drag on? The computer system just crashed again. Now I can't get my work done. OR I can be grateful that I have a job. I can be grateful that I have a computer that usually works. I have a desk and a comfy chair. Since the computer is down, I have a chance to eat lunch away from my desk. I get to work with clients who are having a tough day and maybe help their day improve. I can maybe share my positive attitude with the others.




I discovered when I stay in the negative and hold onto the stressful feelings, I feel icky. I begin to feel down or grumpy. When I search for things to be grateful for, my insides feel lighter. I would even say that, by making gratitude a goal, I begin to feel joyful. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~ James 1:2-4

Is this maybe part of what James is talking about? If I keep the negative, grumpy attitude then it makes it difficult to persevere. When I show gratitude, my heart feels joyful and often peaceful. That sure helps the perseverance. Maybe I should try to be more grateful for the little things as well as the big things. Do you notice a difference when you focus on even the little things? For someone who has been called this year to learn how to rest, maybe this is one of the ways I can learn that. If being grateful produces joy and peace, the feeling of unrest dissipates, leaving a calm rest and a closeness to my Father. Wow. Such a big deal. Why have I not discovered this until now?

Thank you Lord for teaching me this lesson. Please help me focus more on how to seek gratitude. Please use that gratefulness to remove the negative and judgmental nature from my spirit. Please use this lesson to draw me closer to you. Amen.

Just over halfway through a year of REST?

I recently realized how long it has been since I have written on here, so I thought it was time to pop in and update on my goal of learning to acquaint myself with the word "Rest." It has been so long that I had to revisit recent posts to see where I last left you. 

Well, as for my health, my annual CT scan and appointment with my surgical oncologist went quite well. The word he used to describe the scan results was "pristine." A word that I never thought I would appreciate quite so much. Praise God!! So my focus has been less on cancer and more on other health issues, though God and I are working together to fight through these as well. I continue to pray that the physicians figure out a treatment that will help arthritis that has become quite painful. There is not much I can do with that one, so I reckon I will continue plugging through and see what happens.

As far as my career goes, God has begun to clarify His mission for this, resulting in a mix of anxiety and excitement. I am currently in the process of doing some research on a few things and waiting for the input from others who could be involved. The possibilities are incredible and I can not wait to see where God takes this idea.

So, if you are keeping score, you will notice that my word for the year is "REST" and I am dealing with chronic health issues, in the process of working full time and attempting to set up a private practice doing crisis services, raising my 17yr old daughter who is learning how to drive and taking college classes, and yes, I continue to be involved with my congregation. Craziness. I love each piece, yet it is all crazy just the same. How is rest involved here? What is God teaching me?

In the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the meaning of rest includes sleep, freedom from activity or labor, a period of inactivity, peace of mind or spirit, something used for support, and free of anxieties. I guess I have always thought of resting as the definitions involving inactivity, sleep, being still. Well, that has not transpired this year so I began wondering what I was missing. Oh...peace of mind or spirit. Free of anxieties. How would I find peace of mind and spirit? How am I able to be free of anxieties? 

Recently there have been a few songs that hit me squarely in the heart and reminded me of how I may be able to rest in the craziness of my life and upcoming changes. One song, I first heard during worship in church. This one hits me so hard that I am not always able to make it through the whole thing without breaking into a puddle of tears as I beg God to help me trust without borders. 

This next one hit home when the Sidewalk Prophets came to our church for a concert, then spent the weekend leading praise and worship. A really cool thing was that I had the honor of interpreting for them as I was on the schedule that weekend. Amazing experience. If you ever have a chance to go see them, I recommend it. Great group of guys!! Anyway, the song they ended the service with was one that I believe was specifically for me. I did not interpret this one as much as prayed it in ASL in front of the congregation. I have never had that happen before. Moist eyes and nearly forgetting there were people in front of me. And guess what? This song nearly plays non-stop on the radio and on the shuffle on my iPod. Do you think God is trying to tell me something?

So to answer my question about the word "Rest"? Well, another definition in the Merriam Webster is to remain confident; to trust. Oh. Trust. So we have relief from anxiety, peace, and.... trust. So I am to confidently rest in the fact that God is in control and I am to be obedient to His call. Not an easy task, I assure you. I thought I tended to trust Him, yet I wonder if, at times,it is more of an apathetic behavior than a heartfelt release of control to the One I know has my best in mind.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." ~ Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong

"If there's a road I should walk help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever your will, can you help me find it? I will trust in You. You've never failed before. I will trust in You." ~ Help Me Find It by Sidewalk Prophets

Well, it is surely a good thing that I still have most of the second half of 2013 to work more on "resting." Who knows? Maybe God will tell me that I need another few years on this one. He is certainly finally getting my attention. 

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You."  ~ Psalm 33:20-22

Lots of Pondering

It has been a while since my last post and I have to say that, for someone who's word for the year is "REST," my life has been what a friend has referred to as "crazy busy." Between being a mom to my teenage daughter, building my career, and church involvement, life has moved pretty well non-stop. While life has been so "crazy busy," I have to admit that I love that. As I noted in my most recent post, I am a full blown extravert and was raised to keep myself busy. In the past few years, I found myself being surrounded by so many introverts, that life became less involved and I began struggling in many ways. While I have been happy in general, deciphering areas in which God wanted me to focus on growth gradually became apparent. During the past few weeks, I started experiencing this inner peace with myself. I guess you could say there was some feeling of acceptance brewing deep inside.

For those of you who have read even a few of my blog posts, it likely did not take long to realize that this woman has some fairly deep seated struggles with self-acceptance. Between spending most of my life feeling that I was not good enough, being involved in numerous unhealthy relationships, and being a "divorcee," I have wondered how in the world God could not be disappointed with His creation. No wonder God has taken so long to gently take me by my heart and spend some serious time challenging these thoughts.

I have heard through the years that I have such a bright smile, a "healing smile" a dear friend recently informed me. I heard from others that it's a big smile, that I have big gums. For my high school senior photo, the photographer told me not to smile so big, then my dad expressed dislike for the picture because it didn't look like me. For someone who has a love language of words, these varying descriptions were quite confusing. Then there are people who feel the need to judge a person by their weight, the obsession our society has with the scale and our body mass index. I have a genetic predisposition to being overweight. I have a solid body structure, making me weigh more than I look, I am told. Fat people are not attractive. Doctors label us obese. One could go on and on. I am an extrovert, which makes me a blabber mouth. A person who talks all the time, right? I have psoriatic arthritis that makes itself known all over my body by disfiguring my swollen, painful joints and causing ugly, red patches on my skin. Appearance is everything, right? 

For many years, these are some of the words I have been holding onto. I have found it amazing ever since my family began attending our church nearly ten years ago that our pastor and I are regularly on the same path, only for varying reasons. Last weekend, he spoke about Paul's writing to the church in Philippi. How is it possible that Paul is able to speak so much about having joy in all things while he is chained to a guard 24/7? 

"The results of Paul's chains are that people are coming to know Christ and people are being encouraged....Paul's chains are evident. You can see the chains......We need to look beyond the circumstances to see what God wants to do through you and I. We need to look beyond personalities and see priorities. " ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong

My best friend used to always ask me why I place so much value on the negative words and so little value on the affirmations. I could never answer her question, yet I continued to sit with the negative self thoughts, being afraid of holding the positive words. Last year, my word of the year was accept. God spent the year teaching me to accept so many things about my life and my circumstances. This year, my word is rest, yet I have been busier than I have in a long time. I wondered how these lessons would show themselves to be related and I believe I am beginning to understand. The craziness that my life has become is actually providing some fairly significant sanity, more acceptance, and energizing restfulness.

God has returned music into my life in the form of the choir, the worship team, and interpreting for our Deaf ministry. My career is making some intensive changes, moving forward in ways that I would have never foreseen a year ago. As I sat in church last weekend, a wave of peace and acceptance came over me, nearly drawing me to tears. I am learning to realize that, though I am overweight, have dysfunctional joints and skin, have significant scars from various surgeries, and am not talented enough to be a professional performer, God can and does use me to achieve His purposes for my life. Family members or friends may not feel time with me is worthwhile. They may not see the need for positive affirmations, spewing apathy or negative words instead. That is okay. These people did not create me and should not take up space in my head, though they are deep in my heart.

"Keep the important thing, the important thing. When people want to come in and tear down what you are doing, think on the important stuff. Think on the things that matter." ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ......I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you." Philippians 1:27-28

As I said, the past few months have been busy, yet energizing in a way I have not experienced in such a long time. I am grateful that our Lord directed me to learn acceptance last year so this year I am able to rest in the knowledge that He does indeed have a plan and I am exactly where He wants me to be to accomplish His purpose. I don't want to spend my life carrying the anxiety and icky words. I would much prefer to touch the hearts and lives of those God places in front of me, resting in His plan and being obedient to His will without resistance. 

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God." ~ Philippians 1:9-11 

 

Introverts vs. Extroverts

I'm an extrovert who lives in a world of introverts. I suppose one could also say that I've been surrounded by introverts during much of my life. Both of my children are quite strong introverts; my best friend is an introvert; the majority of my friends are introverts. In my family of origin, my mom and two of my three brothers are introverts, while my dad and other brother tend to fluctuate between the two. I believe that's called being an "Ambivert." In all honesty, I think that's possibly the safest place to live as it seems they can adapt to either environment. Of course I've never spoken to either of them about it, so I may be completely off base. In this particular post, what I am more concerned with addressing is the perceived competition between introverts and extroverts. 

I have had to engage in a substantial amount of research to find valid, unbiased definitions about both personality types. In Psychology Today, I found an article by Dan Buettner that described both pretty well. 

"Two major personality types are extroverts and introverts. These types are known to have unique ways of feeling re-energized and motivated. They each have characteristic ways of interacting with the world and processing information."

In this article, Mr. Buettner describes extroverts as people who "learn by doing and enjoy talking through ideas and problems." "These 'social butterflies' thrive under social stimulation." He describes introverts as people who "get their energy from having alone time or in small groups of people, but may get overwhelmed in new situations or in large groups of people. They prefer to focus on one task at a time and observe a situation before jumping in." In another Psychology Today article, Irene S. Levine simplifies this a bit more, saying that "the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts, but draining for introverts."

In the past couple of years, I have heard quite a lot about the differences between introverts and extroverts. Much of what I have heard has been complaints about extroverts being outspoken, pushy, overly talkative, and opinionated. Videos have been sent around that have accused extroverts of not being observant, jumping in without thinking of the consequences, shallow minded, etc. These same sources insist that introverts are more empathic, sensitive, more observant, and better listeners than extroverts. A video I watched recently was a TED talk on this very subject, in which Susan Cain stated:

"The vast majority of teachers reports believing that the ideal student is an extrovert as opposed to an introvert, even though introverts actually get better grades and are more knowledgeable, according to research."

She went on to say that introverts are better leaders because extroverts interfere with the creative process. She also said that when psychologists look at the lives of many creative people, they find that the most creative people are introverts because they create in solitude. 

SO, with all of that said, I have to admit that these cause me to feel pretty defensive. Why is it that, because I am energized by being around other people and my mood sinks when I am alone too long, I am a person who is "less-than"? Why do we feel the need to put people down who are different than us in order to lift ourselves up? Why does it have to be better to be one way or the other? I have a Master's degree and am a mental health professional, a therapist and crisis specialist. My hobbies include reading and I earned a 3.97 GPA in graduate school. I am frequently told that I score quite highly in the areas of empathy and ability to listen to others. I enjoy people watching. I am quite observant, often the first one to notice if someone is feeling troubled or is struggling. I will grant you the lack of creativity part, however I am unable to speak for the numerous other extroverts in the world. What I do know is that God created each of us, introverts and extroverts alike, in His image. 

"So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them." ~ Genesis 1:27

 "He created them male and female and blessed them. And he named them 'Mankind' when they were created." ~ Genesis 5:2

"For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13 

As we each seek explanations for how and why we behave, for why our personalities are formed the way they are, I caution that we should not use the personalities and characters of others as stepping stones. Owning our behaviors, our personalities, our character is admirable. Putting another person down for behaving differently and having alternate skills, talents, gifts only succeeds in creating a win/lose scenario.

Learning to Rest

I have been spending a great deal of time recently considering what it is like to rest. When God gave me that word for this year, what is it that He wants me to learn? In pondering this, there are several areas in my life that come to mind. Often, when I have an inner struggle, God allows me to go to the ocean or a lake to find peace and re-center my heart. That hasn't been the case recently as there hasn't been an opportunity to head towards water, however He has been using other means to give me direction.

One of the areas that I mentioned where I am trying to learn to rest is my career. I felt God release me from my current job a few months ago and I have been seeking new employment, even interviewing for a couple of jobs. The problem is that I have not been hired, at this point, for either of them. I continue to wait for either another interview or some other evidence indicating that I am heading in the wrong direction, agency-wise. I have also begun the process of planning for a private practice that I hope to start sometime later this year. Both of these adventures bring frustration and excitement. I love the work that I do right now and completely enjoy the daily camaraderie with my colleagues, however at the same time, I feel separated, as though I'm heading a different direction from them.  

Another area where I have been conflicted has been music and how God is calling for me use it in ministry. I continue to sing in the choir and have discussed the possibility of joining the worship teams to lead weekend worship. In addition, the leadership at my church recently agreed to re-start the Deaf Ministry that has been dormant for a few years. I have agreed to serve in this ministry as a music interpreter. It's likely that my career as a clinical social worker will also enable me to provide another service to this ministry at some point. 

These are just a couple of the areas that are occupying a great deal of time and energy in my heart and my mind. I have no real idea where either of these will lead me and waiting has never been a strength of mine. Once I'm told what to do, I primarily move forward pretty quickly. I guess you can say that immediate obedience was pretty well drilled into me from birth.

Something else that has been weighing on my heart has been the fact that I am approaching the one year anniversary of my experimental cancer surgery. I have my one year check up in a few short weeks, including a CT scan to assess for any return of the mucinous appendix cancer. I have a peace that all will go according to God's plan and if the cancer has returned, I will do whatever necessary to continue fighting this disease. I also have to admit that the unknown can bring some anxiety.

Now that I have explained a few recent ponderings, I will share some of what God has been sharing with me. As I mentioned in my recent post, it's pretty amazing how many ways I am being reminded to rest. Our pastors have been teaching on the book of Nehemiah during the past month. In this Old Testament book, we read how Nehemiah was so grieved at how the Jews had been exiled and the news that the walls of Jerusalem had been torn apart. We learn that his reaction was to mourn, fast, and pray....then plan how to rebuild what had been destroyed. Many people may have immediately jumped in to try to fix everything, though Nehemiah showed wisdom. He took the necessary time to humble himself, seek for God's will, and then plan accordingly. 

I also "happened" upon a video that spoke to me. It was a great reminder to focus on what God wants for my life and to rest in Him as He leads. 

"Rest in me today because it's not about what you have to do. It's about what I will do."

There is nothing I can do to hasten the next phase of my career. I am unable to predict God's plan on the whole music front, though accepting music as a part of my life again continues to be a struggle for me. As much as I would like to hear that my CT scan is clear of cancer, I am unable to predict what it will show or have any control over what my body is doing in that front. Of course, God being who He is has already addressed that in His Word. Christ says:

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." ~ Matthew 11:28-29

2013 Word of the Year

I know that February is about halfway over and I haven't written about my word for this year but I finally have the opportunity and the brain power to sit down and focus on it. The  word this year appears to be "REST." Life is so busy and my brain is one of those that never seems to shut down. As a single mom who is attempting to figure out my future career goals and am still in the process of working with last year's word, resting is not always high on my priority list. When I began to ask God what He wanted my word to be this year, the word "REST" began popping up all over the place and then I noticed how difficult that is for me to do.

When I researched "rest" in Scripture, I found numerous references. The first one is found in Genesis 2:2, in which God rested on the seventh day, after creating the universe. In Exodus 20, we find what is known as the 10 Commandments. We are told to follow God's example by resting on the Sabbath day. Deuteronomy 33:12 says, "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." Matthew 11:28-29 instructs us to "come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls."

According to Merriam-Webster, the word "rest" is defined as "to cease from action or motion; refrain from motion or exertion; to be free from anxiety or disturbance; to sit or lie fixed or supported; to remain confident; to be based or founded." 

In further pondering the word, "rest," I though of the phrase "be still." Here are a few Scripture passages in which we are encouraged to rest or be still. In Exodus 12:12, Moses tells the Israelites that "the Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." Psalm 37:7 instructs us to "be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him." Psalm 46:10 says to "be still and know that I am God."

So it sounds like, in given the word "rest," I am being instructed to not push my way through life. I am not a person who enjoys waiting for things to happen. I tend to plug through, make myself heard, and attempt to open doors that I feel I am supposed to go through. I don't tend to wait patiently. Hold on a minute. The word was rest, not wait. Rest. Be still. Let God do the work that needs to be done and allow Him to lead the way.

There are a few places in my life where learning to be still and rest will be beneficial. What all does it entail? What is God trying to teach me? I really don't know at this point. I do know that, if I learn as much from resting as I have from accepting, 2013 may be a challenging year. Would you be willing to rest with me?

My Year of learning to ACCEPT

At the beginning of 2012, I happened upon a site that encouraged us to seek a word to focus on during the year. As the year progressed, we were to note how the word made changes in our lives, how we based our decisions on learning to live out the word, and what lessons we learned. As 2012 comes to a close, taking a mental inventory is a common occurrence, though for purposes of this post, the inventory will review how learning to accept played a role in the year.

If you have read my blog much in the past year, you'll notice that my word was ACCEPT. I have been working on learning how to accept myself, accept others, accept situations, and challenges. It certainly did not help matters that I was given a diagnosis of cancer just over a year ago. I have had to learn to accept that cancer is now a part of my daily life, as are CT scans, doctor's visits, and body awareness.

For a long time, I have struggled with acceptance. Acceptance of myself and feeling accepted by others has been a battle for most of my life. God and I have increasingly been working on this struggle for a few years now, though much of it culminated this year with one simple word of instruction, ACCEPT. I had to take a risk and learn to accept myself. I had to risk allowing others to accept me and show me their love. Throughout the year, the word accept has taken shape in various forms. Often it involved me taking the risk and stepping out when I normally would have shied back, fearing failure. To me, self confidence frequently translated into arrogance and being over-confident, ready to fall flat on my face. That scenario would only serve to prove that I was a failure as I had suspected anyway. Being instructed to learn how to accept has meant allowing for risks and not owning the fear. One thing that I did learn from having a cancer diagnosis, is that I need to live the life I am called to live for the time I have here. Is cancer going to kill me? I have no idea. No one knows how much time we have left on this earth. It could be days, weeks, months, or many years.

One of my jobs is to show others love and empathy. I get to do that in my job. I have always been pretty concerned that my career is moving so super quickly and I am not ready for what I am heading into. Though I am told by my clients and colleagues that I am naturally talented and skilled at what I do, I have always waited for the other shoe to drop. This year I have begun to listen to others. Not necessarily owning everything that is positive and disputing the negative. Just giving them equal credence. Self assessing my work, both skills and challenges, has not been easy, however looking at both parts has been helpful. Accepting that I can have skills as well as challenges continues to be a work in progress. I think I am getting a handle on it. I could go more into detail, but I believe I would lead myself down the road of challenges and that would defeat the purpose of this post, eh? Plus the sweet stuff just might make for good blogs in the future. 

Another area that I have been evaluating have been my looks and my weight. Getting in shape would be a wonderful goal and it is a goal that may be on my list one of these days. Accepting that I will never be thin or drop dead beautiful was made easier when I discovered that so much weight had dropped off in the first surgery. My priority now is to become physically and emotionally healthy. When that becomes stable, I will hopefully be able to focus on the additional bonus of shape building. My first job? Accept WHO I am in all shapes and sizes and then move on from there.

Something else I have blogged about has been my struggle with music and singing. While this remains an area of uncertainty for me, apparently it continues to move forward. I accepted the challenge and was given an offer by a sweet man who was willing to provide me with some help and encouragement.  Again, there are numerous questions in my head and fear of falling flat on my face, however he and several others have instructed that I am NOT to stop singing ever again. As I type this, I am awaiting a notification for my assignment to a worship team and soon hopefully being linked with the drama team. While this may be what is slated to fill the hole in my heart that I spoke about in an earlier post, my plan is to ride the wave. Accept the time and see what God does with this. Lord willing, He will allow me to be a part of leading others into His presence in worship. 

These are just a few areas in my life in which the word ACCEPT has played a role in my life in 2012. I wonder what the word will be for 2013. For now, I think that learning to accept so many things will continue to circumvent my journey and help me become the woman God has created me to be.

Thanksgiving

A year ago at this time, my family and friends were still reeling from the news that I was diagnosed with cancer and was to undergo an experimental surgical procedure. To be honest, we really had no idea what 2012 was going to hold, what my health status would look like, and whether or not I would survive the surgery. We went into the holidays softly, expressing gratitude that I had the original surgery, that I was being treated, and praying that God's will (whatever that was) be what occurred.

This year, the scary surgery was considered a success. While I will not likely ever be given a clean bill of health again, and cancer will always be a part of my life, I do not have to have trepidation about my future. I have recently been surrounded by others who's futures are not as optimistic. My aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer after going to the doctor saying she hadn't been feeling well. She passed away four weeks later. Someone I met online after my diagnosis, who was diagnosed shortly before I was and had the same surgery I did, was told recently that his cancer is terminal and he is fighting the fight again while at the same time preparing for the birth of their firstborn. For myself, honestly, I know that I have no control over my future in relationship to the cancer. What I do know is that I do not intend to allow it to control my life. I am grateful that I can trust my God. I can trust that He is in charge and His ultimate plan is what will be successful. I am incredibly grateful that God is the one who makes the final decisions. I'm grateful that He alone will decide my future. I am so thankful that He allowed me to survive this past year to continue on this journey called life.

As we begin to approach this holiday season, I find it no surprise that the holidays begin with gratitude. I have so many other things that also deserve my thanks. If you don't mind, I'd like to list some of them.

• I am grateful to have children whom I love more than life itself. My son has arrived into adulthood, not without aches and pains, but he is moving forward and making a life of his own with a young lady who we have all learned to enjoy having in our family. My daughter is approaching adulthood and moving so much quicker than I ever imagined. She is struggling to figure out her career goals and what she wants out of life. So much fun to be able to witness.

• I am grateful that my parents had a safe trip across the country this summer, with no more than a nervous few moments when Dad was hospitalized with pneumonia. My parents are not perfect, but they, like the rest of us, do what they can with what they have.

• I have brothers with whom I have shared much of my life. We all are not super close, as we live in three different states with our various families. I am grateful that we all still pretty much like one another. Two of them have married women who I am proud to call my sister-in-laws. I am grateful that one of my brothers and his family live only a few hours away. My family has been blessed by several nieces and a nephew who I sure wish I could have closer relationships with. I love it when I get to see them, however I can only pray that they know how much I love each and every one of them. 

• I am grateful for my very best friend. She stands beside me through thick and thin. I never have to wonder if she will be there. If I am having a tough day, she's there. She celebrates with me. She fights for me. She has helped me raise my children. I am blessed with her friendship more than I can ever express. She has stood by me this past year, and even before. Her family has adopted my children and I into their family, making it so nice to have local "family members."

• I am grateful for my adopted sister. She returned to school this year. I am grateful that she received the necessary funding to begin this scholarly journey. I hope I will be able to be there to witness her travel this path and see where God takes her. We have been so close for so many years. I can not imagine life without her as part of it.

• I am grateful for the myriad of friends God has placed in my life. Some I can only see on occasion and others I get to see and communicate with more regularly. They all hold such a special place in my heart. You see, I don't love my friends lightly. I thank God for them and can usually be found trying to stay in touch, trying to arrange a gathering, or feeling sad if we have to go too long without touching base.

• I am thankful for technology such as the internet and text messages that can keep family members and friends in communication even if we are all over the country. It makes not living nearby more tolerable than it would if we were completely out of touch.

• I am thankful for my job and my career that has been cemented more and more, the longer I get to do it. I have the privilege of working with some wonderful people that I will miss tremendously when it is time for me to move on.

• I am thankful for my church family. I have grown to love them and feel they are indeed family. It is amazing to have leaders who I can trust and respect. The longer I am part of our church family, the more I cherish them.

• I am grateful for an ex-husband and father to my children who has chosen to be supportive to our children and to me. While we were not a successful married couple, we do pretty well at working together as we are there for our children and one another.

• I am thankful for medical technology and medical providers who take care of their patients, for researchers who come up with surgeries such as the HIPEC surgery to give people like me a chance to live longer, and have a productive life at that.

I guess the bottom line for me this year is that, no matter what time or types of energy others send my way, or whatever the future holds, I will be thankful. We never know how much time we have left on this earth. I do not want my life to be decided upon by the way others feel about me or what situations are thrown my way. I want to choose to be thankful for the numerous awesome blessings God has given me. I intend to be grateful and try to focus on the positives, not dwell on the hurt, the negatives, and the challenges. 

Thank you dear readers for taking the time to read my thoughts this Thanksgiving. I hope you take the time to be grateful and appreciate the good in your life.

Birthdays - To Celebrate or Not To Celebrate

I've been thinking a lot about birthdays today. Birthdays appear to bring about mixed emotions for some people and I guess you could say I am one of them. When I think about birthdays, I typically remember the birthday parties we held for my children or surprise birthday parties we held for friends or family. These parties have typically involved lots of plans, inviting friends and family, buying just the right card and gift, ordering a cake, fun and yummy food, and socializing. Sounds like fun, right? They sure were. I have some friends who even plan their own birthday parties to assure their birthday is celebrated the way they want. 

When I was growing up, my birthday always involved inviting a few friends over for a sleepover. I  would choose my special birthday dinner that Mom would make, including what kind of cake I wanted her to make. My "party" would involve my friends who were going to sleep over and the family members who may be local at the time. I never knew any different. That was always enjoyable and I knew it was me who was being celebrated. My day. My parents would regularly spend a lot of time planning surprise parties for other friends or family. It was always fun to see how surprised the special person was. It was also a ton of fun to plan these celebrations.

When I got married, it seemed that my birthday began to be celebrated less and less. Eventually it was frequently not celebrated because I was born early in the month and our budget was unable to justify any additional costs. My ex-husband's birthday was the last day of the month, just after Christmas, and was always celebrated by parties, gifts, or whatever he wanted it to be. Through the years, I never knew if my birthday was going to be celebrated or not. I eventually just chose to ignore it. When they were little, my children never knew what day my birthday was on or considered that I even had one.

Eventually, I began to feel that, if the leader of my home, my husband, did not celebrate my day, then it should not be celebrated by others. Many years my parents would call and sometimes they wouldn't. They always sent me a card, either the day of my birthday, a few days prior, or sometimes one to two weeks after. My brothers occasionally called if they remembered. I remember one year my adopted sister decided to show up at our home with balloons, a card, and a gift. She wanted to express her love for me, while at the same time try to show my husband that my birthday was important to celebrate. I was surprised and felt special, while at the same time, felt bad that my husband had forgotten. It was most assuredly a mixed feeling kind of day. She regularly attempted to make it a special day for me, but she does have her own life, as do others.

My best friend discovered eventually that my children had no idea when my birthday actually was and took it upon herself to change that. She respected how I felt, however became quite upset that she was unable to celebrate the day that her best friend was born. She began to make it her mission to teach my children to remember the day their mother was born. She began to do what she could to make it special for me. I will say that I have not been an easy student. When I learn a lesson, I learn it well. The more that time had gone on, the more I realized that I am different. Celebrating my birthday is not a luxury I have. She even tried to plan a surprise lunch for me several years ago, inviting some good friends. We arrived at the restaurant with my children, and my sister w/ her children. No one else arrived. This person who my best friend was convinced was so special, was obviously not as special to others.

Eventually, my children did learn when my birthday was. Sometimes they choose to celebrate it and other years they don't. My best friend never forgets, but she is only one who remembers it every year. It is fascinating that I can remember everyone else's birthday, call, plan parties, etc yet mine is regularly passed over. This year, my best buddy was more excited about my birthday than normal. She said it was because of how traumatic the last year had been. My last birthday had been just after my surgery in which I was diagnosed with appendix cancer. She said she wanted to celebrate that I was still alive.

The reason this has been on my mind today is that today is my birthday. My daughter and my best friend remember the date, though I have little doubt that it is mostly because my daughter was reminded by my best friend earlier this week. My best friend wrote on my Facebook wall and tagged me in a post, informing everyone that today was my birthday. It was after that posting that, eventually people began to notice and wish me a happy birthday. Until that posting, it appeared that it was going to be yet another year when my birthday was just another day to others. I guess I am an all or nothing person. Either consider me important enough to remember the day I was born, or lets just not celebrate it at all. Is that a selfish view? Should I just accept that I am important to a few and not to most others? Is it that big of a deal to not celebrate it? At a work lunch last week, we were discussing the fact that we rarely celebrate my birthday. I was informed that it is time for that to change, that I should begin to celebrate my birthday. I have no idea how or even where to start with that.

I guess I just thought I would share my annual birthday self ramblings.Thank you for taking the time to read my pondering.... Honestly? Sometimes I just wish this day would just go away and then I would not have to struggle with it. 

Judgement or Compassion?

I am a believer and follower of Christ Jesus. He is my Lord and my Savior. I believe that God the Father and Creator of the universe sent His Son, Jesus, to die for our sins. Christ lived His life as an example for us, was sacrificed as the Ultimate Redeemer, resurrected and returned to sit at God's right hand. After Christ's return to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit to us as a Counselor. 

Why did God create a world that He, in His all knowing, perfect self, would let Him down and be the sinful souls that we are? I am unable to answer that. What I do know is that He loves us beyond all understanding. The fact that, throughout history, as recorded in Scripture, God has always displayed His amazing love for us, given us more chances than any of us could have ever dreamed, and gifted us with mercy and compassion that we can never quite grasp. Outside of Jesus, no one in history has ever lived a sin-free life. Our lives are so sinful that the only way we are able to become pure enough to even consider approaching heaven's throne is that God (the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) was so incredibly compassionate to make the ultimate, most awesome sacrifice. Yet, we all still continue to sin. We all still mess up. We still 100% depend on God's grace and mercy to even live day by day.

I was raised in a judgemental environment. I was taught that we should judge good and evil as a way to assure I was living a life worthy of being considered a Christian. I guess you could say I was raised in a "works" and "earn your way to heaven" mindset. Through the years, I found myself being judgemental. Doing my own version of separating the sheep from the goats. I was never good enough, while at the same time, as long as I did the right things and made the right decisions, I might be able to squeeze my way in. As I became an adult and my relationship with God developed, I began to realize that all the best behavior possible would not allow my entrance into heaven. It is through God's grace and His grace alone. I also realized that not everyone believes the same as I do. Not everyone behaves the same as I do. I also learned that....guess what? I don't have all of the right answers.

I never thought I would make many decisions that I made. I surely would not have been divorced. I would surely never be accused of being an immoral person because I would not live my life in such a way. What I had not taken into account is that others may not know what goes on behind closed doors. Everyone, including myself, does not always have all of the answers. I don't always know the message and direction given by God to other people. What I DO know is that I am instructed not to judge, but to LOVE and FORGIVE. If I feel called to judge, I should judge the same way that I want God to judge me. God alone is judge. God's example over and over again is that HE will deal with things that need to be dealt with.

In the past several years, I have both experienced and witnessed judgement, gossip, and slander. Unfortunately the primary aggressors have been other people who declare themselves as believers. People who study the same Scripture and follow the same God whom I do. I have to say that "friendly fire" hurts unlike any other hurt. More recently someone I love very dearly has been on a journey that has involved numerous injuries sustained by "friendly fire." Words like "you are living in sin."  "I love you, but I can't support you in this." People who she loved dearly and cherished have placed her in a position they denied they would ever do. Like myself, she trusted these people who "sling the mud." Prayed for illnesses, stood by them during trials, cooked for them, opened our homes for them. These people have proceeded to talk to other people, gossiping, slandering publicly. I am sure that this behavior both causes tears to God's eyes and goes against the behavior He instructed for His children. Are we to judge? Are we to have compassion and love?  What happens to the children of the people we are judging? What example are we showing to others who look to Christ followers as examples of God's love? Do we know the entire story? Do we know the communication between others and God? Do we know what He is instructing the other person to do? We are to come beside, nurture, love, provide loving warnings if necessary, and hold tenderly in our arms.

How do you intend to live your life? For myself, I intend to follow God's leading by His words and His example. LOVE and FORGIVENESS. COMPASSION and MERCY. 

OCTOBER 19th

Today marks a year since I received news that I will never forget. News that permanently changed my life and the lives of those closest to me. This time last year, I was heading into surgery to remove a mass that was discovered in my abdomen. All of the labwork had previously reported that there was minimal chance the mass was cancerous. On October 19, 2011, I underwent surgery where it was discovered I had an extremely rare form of appendix cancer. If you have read much of my blog, you have read about the struggle my family and I have gone through to process this information and learn more than we ever imagined we would learn about this mysterious illness. Six months later, I underwent the only available treatment for this cancer, an experimental procedure to hopefully kill any remaining cancer. We have no idea how effective the procedure was and understand that it may show up at any time in my future. For the rest of my life, I will be considered to have cancer. While the diagnosis does not define me, it certainly impacts my future. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have been informed of the return of the cancer to someone else who appears to be walking a parallel journey, as I noted in my last post. My family also found out recently that one of my aunts was diagnosed with terminal cancer that has spread throughout her body. The doctors believe that any possible treatments would only prolong her life for a couple of months so she is opting to not have any treatments and just wait it out. Ever since my diagnosis, I have come to terms with the fact that cancer has chosen to invade my body and I can either allow it to run my life, or live life to the full. I have chosen to expect that I will be here on earth as long as God has planned and not engage in fearful thoughts. I guess you could say more examples of ACCEPTance. While I have no intention of owning fear, the recent news from Nick, from my aunt, and several others in my life has shaken me. It shed a light on the idea that the cancer may indeed show it's ugly head in my body again. 

A friend asked me earlier this week if I feel this year has gone fast or slow. That caused me to ponder the past year. In all honesty, I don't see this past year as a year at all. I see it in chunks of time, from surgery to surgery, situation to situation, life changes to life changes. In the past year, I learned to accept love and support from friends. I learned how it feels to have people step up and help me, show me how much I mean to them. A couple of examples that caught me completely off guard were a) the number of people who came to visit me in the hospital to see for themselves that I was actually going to be okay and b) the cards, gifts, donated leave, visits, etc from my co-workers. I have been absolutely in awe so many times this past year.

I have also learned to not allow myself to be stuck in the rut of life, to try harder not to allow my past and the mean and ugly words from others to dictate my decisions. I guess you can say that I am trying to push the stop button on the negative inner tape recorder and attempting to embrace more positives. It has not been easy, but I feel it is important to live the life I have left without wasting the gifts God has given me. If my life lasts another 10 years or 50 years, I have a job to do. I can sit on the sidelines and allow the judgements or criticisms of others to decide my actions or decisions or I can step into the race and run as best I can. So, sorry satan. What you may have meant for evil, God meant for good and my Lord promises that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. God promised me that and I believe Him. Sometimes I feel a bit excited about what my future holds, no matter how long or short it is, while at the same time I sure hope I don't have to hear the doctor say that the cancer is back. 

STILL LEARNING TO ACCEPT

It is absolutely amazing to me how God has continually focused me this year on learning to ACCEPT....It appears so often that when I find myself in a struggle or a challenge, that pesky word pops up....Would acceptance help me find my path here? Would acceptance relieve some of the anxiety that I would normally feel in this situation? Would accepting certain things help ease the self doubt and negativity?

In a previous post, I wrote about feeling that God has been making me aware of a hole in my heart and moving me in a specific direction. I have been wondering what is supposed to fill this hole and which direction God is leading me. A few pretty significant things have occurred since then. 

During this summer, a very sweet and encouraging man took time out of his schedule to work with me on a near weekly basis to help build up my diaphragmatic support and dig in the pit to help re-build my self confidence in my singing ability. I am now scheduled to sing on the worship team in a few weeks. How will I do? I have no idea. It's been a very long time since I sang in front of a microphone. I'm pretty nervous, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Also this summer, a friend let me know about a job that would soon be opening in the agency where she works. She felt that I would completely enjoy this job. This comes at a time when I have been pondering leaving my current agency. I have felt that I was nearing the end of the work I've had to do there. I have always felt I would be there temporarily, though I love what I do and the team that I have been privileged to work with for the past five years. It sounded like a great possibility so I waited until the job was advertised and then applied for it. The application process took a couple of weeks, driving me nuts. Let me just say that this job would involve a great deal of bureaucracy, which I knew prior to beginning the application process. During the two months after the job was posted, I found myself struggling with patience, attempting to not become distracted, and trying to present myself as the most appropriate person for the job so they would be interested in hiring me. When I would begin to become anxious, I realized that there was a part of me attempting to take control over something when I should learn to be still and wait. I have to accept God's timing is not always my timing.

When I was diagnosed with Appendix cancer nearly a year ago, God blessed me with the ability to connect with a wonderful young couple whose lives were turned upside down with the same diagnosis. Nick and his wife, Alyssa, have been an amazing support to me on this cancer journey. Nick underwent the same HIPEC surgery that I did, about five months prior to me, so they were able to give me wonderful advice and words of wisdom. We were both healing quite well and moving on with our lives. This week I found out that Nick's cancer has returned. Here is their journey and health update. Hearing that this couple's lives are turned upside down yet again after holding onto the hope that he was healed from the surgery really hit me hard. If Nick's cancer can return full force, so can mine.

Working with people in all walks of life, I hear stories about lives lived and decisions made that are different than I would ever make. Family and friends make choices that either I wouldn't make or I feel like are mistakes. Does that mean that I know the "right" path for everyone? No. Does it mean that I know what I believe would be "right" for myself? I think so. Part of being a social worker is honoring a set of core values. One of these values is respecting the inherent dignity and worth of every person. One of the greatest commands given to Christ followers is to love others as we love ourselves. To me, that means unconditional love and acceptance of everyone. As a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a co-worker, a mental health professional. In all aspects of my life, I am called to accept others as they are and love unconditionally. 

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." ~ Matthew 7:2

So, to summarize my ponderings and my journey to acceptance. It appears that music is being returned into my life. Where it's going, I have no idea. I just have to take it step by step. Terrified of falling flat on my face? Yep, but I am going to do everything I can to accept it and reclaim this as one of my outlets. As far as the job, I did complete the application process and participated in an interview last week. I have no idea whether I will be offered the job or not. What I do know is that I followed where I believe I was led and did the best I could do. I may not hear anything for  a couple of weeks. If I am offered the position, it will be an amazing career move. If I'm not, then God obviously has other plans. Strangely, I have a peace about the career part. Not a peace that the job is for me, however a peace that I am walking the correct path and it will resolve the way God wants it to resolve. Appendix cancer? Well, there is really not much I can do about it. My surgeon does not want to see me again until April. All I can do is pay attention to my body until then and trust that God is in charge. I had to accept the diagnosis a year ago. I had to accept that this will impact my life forever. Others will be diagnosed and re-diagnosed. That does not mean that the cancer will return in my body. I have to accept that there is nothing more I can do and worrying will not help at all.

The next part of my journey as summer has led us into fall is what may be the most difficult. Accepting others and their decisions and maybe even more so, accepting myself. I believe that accepting others is much easier than accepting myself. Am I talented enough to sing on stage? Am I skilled enough to earn such a wonderful career move? Can I go through life not being judgemental and accepting others as who they are? What will happen if I'm told that the cancer has returned? 

When I compare where I am to where I was five years ago or even one year ago, I think I have grown. I think I have learned how to start forgiving my weaknesses. I do wonder where I will be on this path of acceptance by the end of the year. I am so grateful that God will continue leading me on this journey.