PEACEFUL PROGRESS

This evening, my best friend and I decided to head off to the movies. We don't do that very often. Both of us are normally pretty worn out from slam packed days. I have been working regularly at my private practice that keeps growing ever so steadily and continuing to work my last remaining days at the community mental health agency. She has been applying for jobs, piecing together slight income from small part time jobs and beginning her own private tutoring business. Our household has also undergone a fairly dramatic lifestyle change that is helping each of us to feel better, drop some unwanted pounds, and attempt to take much improved care of our bodies. Fortunately my bestie has been home more often and has been willing to do most of the cooking and food preparation for our home so all three of us are able to persevere through this change. My daughter and I are so totally blessed that we have such an amazing roomie.

So I digress. As we were leaving the theater (yes, we splurged at the snack bar in the theater, but one is allowed that once in a while, right?), I felt an overwhelming since of peace come over me. I began thinking about my life and where I am sitting right now. I remembered the words God said to me at the beginning of this year. He said that we were done trudging through the tunnel we had been in for such an incredibly long time and were about to see the fruits of our labor. We were heading for the light at the end of the tunnel. Funny. I had been too busy struggling and surviving for such a long time that I had not even noticed that I was trudging through life until He used those words to me. Then I realized that was right. I had been trudging and that is why I had been so weary and worn. I have been struggling to learn how to accept, to rest, and now return. 

Career changes have been a HUGE part of my recent journey. After I gave notice at my full time job, I agreed to work part-time until they found my replacement. This gave me more time to continue building my practice, yet did not leave my team in a lurch. After a couple of weeks, I felt I needed to give my final notice, which I did. During the same week I felt I needed to give notice, another opportunity fell in my lap. I had been attempting for several years to find a job as a hospital ER social worker, though was continually denied due to lack of medical experience. I finally stopped looking, as I figured this was not meant to be. To make a long story short, a friend/colleague encouraged me to apply for an available ER job. This job would go hand in hand with my private practice and would provide me stable income, benefits, access to numerous resources in the same county where my private practice is at, and remain current in the social work field. I had not been looking at all for this, yet applied and was offered the job immediately after my interview. An on the spot job offer has only happened one other time in my life 23 years ago. Amazing.

The job offer, as exciting as it was, was not the most amazing part of this process for me. I have always (yes always) been a person who has lacked the self confidence to speak about my strengths with confidence. Sell myself in an interview? Gulp. Okay. I can try. This time? Well, I had given the decision to God. Completely. If I was hired, fine. If I wasn't hired? That's okay, too. The interview was not stressful. I was able to answer the questions about my skill set, experience, strengths, goals, etc with confidence. I had returned the interview results over to God. 100%. And, of course, He did not fail. He gave me exactly what I needed, including the peace about His decision, no matter what that was.

My daughter is graduating from high school next weekend. My second child. My baby. My only daughter. My son graduated five years ago and that was incredible. This is my last one. She made it through and I am done parenting. I will always be their mom. Always. I will always be there for them to offer advice when requested, guidance, support, love, etc. BUT I am no longer responsible for their decisions. It is now time for me to be responsible for myself. Just me. What an odd thought. All of my adult life, I have been responsible for my (ex) husband or my children. For the first time since I was 18 years old, I am responsible only for myself. I also realized that I am so tired of trying to live up to the expectations of other people in my life. I want to live the way I believe God is telling me to live. 

One of the other things that came with the wave of peace was the realization that I am happy with my life. Financially strapped with the job changes? Sure. Nervous about starting the new job? Absolutely. Sad to be leaving my friends, colleagues, and clients who I have worked with for so long? For sure. However, I am learning to actually like myself. I like that I can choose for myself what I want for my life, where I want to go, who I want to be with, etc. As I was realizing all of this, the words from God came back to me. I am not trudging anymore. I CAN see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then a passage of Scripture came to me.

"Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute! Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." ~ Philippians 4:4-9 (MSG)

A peace that passes all understanding. WOW!! What an indescribable feeling. All of the work God has done in my life is finally getting through this thick skull of mine. I am pretty excited to see what He has in store next. A dear friend mentioned to me the other night that my faith would not be as strong as it is right now without my cancer history. You know what? He's partially right. It took more than just the cancer to build my faith. It took the many years of trudging to get through the tunnel I have been in for so many years. Was it worth it for the peace that I have right now? For me? You betcha.

What about you? Is trudging worth it for you to reach the peaceful place? Are you willing to plug through, knowing this is what's on the other side? I sure hope so. It is an AWESOME place to be. I would like to think that I am that much closer to being able to sit at my Father's feet, or even in His lap. Maybe that's the next step.

Giving it Back to God

As I try to spend this year returning everything to God, I realize that means I have to focus on Him to be sure I don't hold onto what I need to give back. I heard this song this evening and thought it was a great one to keep in mind and figured it may touch some of your hearts like it did mine. It's not about me. It's ALL about Him.

Lesson in Learning How to Trust

It has been a while since I have posted anything on here. The last time I did, I was in a confusing place, questioning where I was at in this journey. I believed I was following the path laid out for me, but I felt lost, as things were not clear. Well, apparently I just needed to wait a bit longer for my private practice to begin moving forward. At this point, I have hit the place when I feel I have to either "fish or cut bait." I need to either be able to focus on this ministry where God has called me, or remain in the "safe place" at the agency where I have spent nearly seven years of my life. I really felt called to leave my full time job and focus on the agency God has been setting up. I have been averaging 7-9 clients a week after working a full day at the other job, both locations separated by over 30 miles. It has been a journey for certain, however I find myself incredibly excited about what God has in store for Serenity Hope Counseling.


That said, reality and practicality pop into my head in the form of (as is so frequently the case) finances. I am unable to live off of the money I am earning in the private practice, plus there is the overhead, and the fact that I will have to pay for my own health insurance. Wow. Okay. Well, God will take care of it, if He is calling me to it, right? Now enter the fact that my daughter is preparing to graduate from high school this year, resulting in the fact that her father will begin easing off of the child support. I have been amazingly fortunate in that he offered to cut down the support in chunks so I won't lose all of it at one time. He will take a portion each year over the next four years. Trust me. For this, I am SO grateful. That said, each chunk is a chunk out of our budget, while I will be losing my "guaranteed" income at my job. And now shall we add to it that our roommate has just lost her job. She is a teacher and may not be employed again until fall. She pays 1/3 of our household bills as well as her own debt. 

"Lord, are you really calling me to leave my job? Can we really afford to live on no stable income?"

We have asked our prayer warrior friends and support system to join us in prayer. I have resigned from my full time position as I feel I was instructed. Now I sit and ask God for confirmation and wonder how this will all play out. Remember that my word for 2014 was to RETURN? I felt I was told I needed to consistently return everything to God and make use of what He gave back to me. Oh. Right. Got it. Easy? Not a chance. In January, as I struggled with feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I returned my practice to God and have continued to do so. Part of returning the practice is returning my career. What about my finances? What about the future of our home and family? Yep. I must return this. 

In August, God laid this song on my heart that continued to follow me. A song that pleads for God to teach me how to trust without borders. To keep my eyes always on my Savior. This has consistently been my prayer over the past several months.

   Recently, this song has begun to speak to me as well. 

Do I believe that God is in control? Do I believe that He will return to me everything He wants for me to have? Do I believe enough that I will return everything to Him? This morning, I was reading a book by an author and speaker who I absolutely find amazing. Andy Andrews has a way of telling stories unlike anyone I have ever heard. This is a passage from his book, The Noticer Returns.

"Do you think Jones is lost?" Christy asked. 

"No," Baker said. "No, I don't."

"You are correct," came a voice from the darkness. And when they looked, Jones was less than ten feet from them. His flashlight must have been in his pocket because the old man was very close, yet they had not seen him. There were general comments from the three, but it was not a joyful welcome. They were relieved he was there, but they weren't certain if they were happy with him. 

"How long have you been here?" Sealy demanded. "How long have you been standing right here?" 

"The whole time," Jones admitted. 

"That's not true," Christy said accusingly. "You left us alone out here."        "No, I didn't," Jones replied. "I was around. I always am."  

..............

Jones waited for anyone else to speak up. When no one did, he brushed off a place on the ground, eased to one knee, and asked, "So...what are you going to do?" There was still no response. "Maybe now's the time to quit and go back the way you came. You know for sure what's behind you. It can't be any worse... On the other hand, you have no clue what lies ahead." He cocked his head and smiled mysteriously. "And it could get a lot worse. Truly, you don't know whether this thorny chaos will last five more minutes or five more hours." 

He stood up and addressed the three of them. "As I said, you were never alone. In fact, my eyes have been on you at every moment. Less than thirty minutes ago, when this particular part of your journey began, you were close enough to me that, had you asked, I would have held your hand or even carried you. "At the beginning I asked you to do one thing. As you stepped into the unknown, I issued a single, very simple instruction. That instruction, as casual and unimportant as it might have sounded to you only half an hour ago, continues even now to be the critical component that will determine your future, which begins with the success or failure of tonight's adventure." 

Jones looked carefully at the three people before him. They were damaged and dirty, exhausted and wary, but he loved them even when they ignored him or rejected his efforts to help as they had done this evening. With a patient smile the old man simply explained the path they had chosen and the immediate results that choice had produced. 

"Ignoring my instruction, your minds quite naturally drifted from the safety that wise counsel can provide. Of course, your physical actions quickly followed, and just that quickly" - Jones snapped his fingers - "you were in trouble. Darkness commands an inordinate amount of attention from a person who is unprepared and unprotected. Attention to darkness produces doubt. When a person is distracted and weakened by struggles, doubt whispers a message logically urging surrender; and soon, that person's focus is on his own discomfort, his fear and anger, regret and resentment. That is precisely what happened with you," Jones noted. "'Follow me,' I said. It was my only request. When you did not, the inevitable occurred, and you lost sight of me completely. To you, it seemed as though I were not there at all. Yet, even then, had you only stopped to call my name, I would have made my presence known, and your vision - your vision that sees even in the darkness - would have returned." 

Without a glance away from them, Jones pointed in the direction of the bay. "For I know well the plans I have made for you," he said. "These are plans to prosper you - not to allow harm to come to you - but plans to give you hope and an incredible future." Jones picked up his duffel bag. "So let's try this again, shall we? Follow me," he said and turned as if to go. Incredibly, still, the three hesitated, glancing nervously at each other.

"Where are we going?" Baker asked. "Son," Jones said with a sigh, "if we leave right now, all will be well. But if you continue to question everything I say, you will not accomplish anything. Is it not enough that you know I would not get you up in the middle of the night and bring you through all of this without some purpose?" 

Baker was in pain. His wife was bleeding. Christy was in no better shape. "Jones...I just don't understand." "Yes, I know that you don't," Jones replied, "but it's an odd thing you've been unable to grasp...See, I'm not requiring you to understand. I am simply urging you to obey. For it is only when you obey that, eventually, you begin to understand." 

Jones gestured for them to come close. When they had gathered in a tight group, the old man pointed in the direction of the wind and spoke. "The bay is there. You did not know how close you were when you quit. There is still time. There is more difficult terrain to traverse. Yes, before you are out of this wilderness, you might stumble, and you may fall. But listen to me...you make it to that bay even if you have to crawl.

"Every step you take is a step of faith. If you can't see in front of you, walk on, and just believe. Don't despair. Whisper words of prayer. And when you get there..." Jones shook his head, laughing softly. Placing his arms around them, he squeezed and finished what he was about to say. "When you get there, the miracle, I promise, will be waiting in the water." 

~ Andy Andrews, The Noticer Returns (p. 198-201, (c) 2013)




I am constantly in AWE of the way God knows just the right message and timing to speak to my heart. He only wants me to follow Him. He wants me to take the steps of faith without taking my eyes away from His.

One more thing that happened last night. After asking some friends to pray for our home during these current struggles and fears, one of my friends chose to add some perspective with her prayers. Earlier this month I underwent my second annual CT scan to check on the status of my abdominal area and any possible recurrence of the appendix cancer. At the same time these struggles began in earnest, I was given the word that I remain cancer free. My friend's words of reminder also caused me to recall an incident only a week prior to my check-up. My 18 year old daughter experienced a car malfunction at night that could have been a devastating accident. The bottom line was that this new driver was driving highway speed at night, alone, when her car ended up spinning out of control, stopping sideways in the fast lane with cars coming towards her. Without going into too many details, she was not hit, experienced the kindness of a stranger who stopped to check on her, and was ultimately able to drive away in one piece. God took His hands, guided her car safely and protected anyone from hitting her. He took care of my daughter, HIS daughter. Both of these add quite a bit of perspective to current life circumstances... as well as my take away. ACCEPT, REST, RETURN, TRUST, and OBEY. What a year 2014 looks to be.

How do we know.....?

Have you ever followed a path that you felt led to follow, only to find yourself feeling like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? Does everyone who joins Dorothy and her friends on the yellow brick road find themselves chatting with the wizard in the Emerald City? Does everyone who chats with the wizard make their way home by clicking their heels together?

When I went to college to earn my degree, I was told by many people in the Deaf community that there is no one in this particular county who provided counseling in their language. I felt drawn to this community and my heart ached to see so many deaf people unable to receive counseling in sign language. Deaf people and sign language interpreters alike encouraged me through my studies, with a goal of earning my degree and becoming a trained therapist so I would be able to meet this need.

I have always had a passion for people who were abused. I felt a connection with women and children who experienced domestic violence. When I was fresh out of high school, a freshman in the local state college, my goal was to work with abused and neglected children. As life moved on, I became a married woman and raised children of my own, I learned to relate to parents as well as their children. Why would someone hit their child? Sometimes power and control is a survival technique. Sometimes life becomes so stressful and chaotic, that the harm is accidental. There are many reasons for the violence, believe it or not. I don't believe that a parent, husband, wife, or child wakes up one morning and decides to become an abuser. I believe there are other reasons yet to be discovered. I want to work with those who are trying to heal from these experiences. 

As I began my career in community mental health, I found that my passion is not only for the Deaf community and for domestic violence survivors. I am also drawn to people who are hurting, considering suicide, depressed or anxious. Oddly enough, I heard from friends who have known me since childhood that they have never been surprised that I became a therapist, much less a crisis specialist. They told me that I have always been the person in our community who people were drawn to when they needed someone to talk to. Imagine my surprise. I never knew that.

After working in community mental health for several years, earning my license, and, as one of our directors informed me, built a solid foundation for my career, I felt it was time for me to move on. I applied for many jobs in the county in which I had so long felt I was supposed to establish myself. I was interviewed for several jobs, though was not offered any of them. 

Within the past year, the idea of setting up my own private practice was suggested by a friend and colleague of mine. The year involved working with my family and friends to come up with a name, finding an office space, and doing the rest of the things required to establish a business. Much time, money, energy, and prayers have been spent setting this up. I have been so incredibly excited to finally meet the need that had so long been discussed. The perfect office space was rented, furniture purchased and arranged, business license and malpractice insurance received, website created, and business cards passed out. 

One would think that the next stop on the journey would be the phone calls from all of these clients who I was told were in need of my services. Right? That's what I thought, too. This is my third month with the office space. My third month with a business license. My third month with no clients asking for my services. I have found myself on the yellow brick road. There are people around me giving me ideas (directions, if you will). I follow these directions, to find myself no closer to my destination. Imagine everywhere you look, you see a maze of yellow bricks, with no idea which direction to go. 

The one thing I can still see is my current job. The place where they have all been sad to know I may be leaving. The place where they were such an amazing support to me during my health crisis a couple of years ago. Am I supposed to stay there? What were all of these dead end job applications, job interviews, and failed attempts to set up this practice leading me to? How do we know which direction to follow? At this point I have signed a one year lease with no way to get out of it. A phone contract for two years that would be quite expensive to cancel. Maybe this is one of those areas where God is teaching me to assure that I return this to Him. Maybe I need to take all ten fingers off and let God do what He wants to do, guide me where He wants me to go. 

"To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God..... Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." ~ Psalm 25:1-6

What does 2014 hold for me?

2014 will be the third year that I have participated in OneWord365. In the first year, my word was ACCEPT and I went on a journey learning to accept myself, my health, and support from others, among other things. Last year, my word was REST and I began learning to move forward in my life, leaning on God, resting on my faith in His Word. Sometimes we have to make decisions based only on our knowledge that we are doing the right thing, even when we are unable to see around the corner. As I have traveled the journey of accepting and resting, I find myself needing to learn how to RETURN.

In researching the word “return,” I found a few definitions that were interesting:

 “To go or come back, as to a former place, position, or state; to revert to a former owner; to revert or recur, as in thought or discourse, to make a reply or retort; to put, bring, take, give, or send back to the original or proper place, position, etc; to send or give back in reciprocation, recompense, or requital”

When I first felt that “return” was supposed to be my word, I wondered what in the world that meant. After pondering it and researching a bit, all of a sudden it made sense after the years I have had trying to focus on accepting and resting.  I don’t know about you, but I struggle with making decisions and going about life changes. As things become quite complicated, I find myself often fighting an inward battle. I try to figure out which direction I am supposed to go, what changes I am called to make, what am I to embrace and what am I to let go of. How do I distinguish the difference between embracing my thoughts and desires from God’s instructions and plans for my life?

I have often heard the phrase “give it (struggles, prayer requests, etc) up to God and take all ten fingers off.” The point is stop trying to take control over something that we are asking God to take care of. I have difficulty trying to determine what is letting go of control and what is walking away, becoming passive.

Some of my struggles right now involve my private practice that is taking much longer than I believed it would, causing me to question if my decision to go out on my own was my desire or God’s instruction. Did I do what I was called to do? I thought I was instructed to place music back in my life, however I seem to have hit a dead end. Was I coerced into that decision because I really did want it back or was God really asking me to step back out in faith? How about my health? Is the cancer really gone or will it pop back up again? There are so many other places in my life where I question if I am “hearing” God correctly. 

How do I know which direction to go?

         “Pray that the Lord Your God will tell us where we should go and what we should do.” 

                                                                                                                         ~ Jeremiah 42:3

From my current understanding on the first day of this New Year, it appears that I will be learning how to return these thoughts and ideas to God. If they are truly from Him, He owns them. He will once again give to me what He wants me to have. I don’t know what this will look like, though I am interested in knowing what my reports will look like throughout the year.

      “But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.”                                                                                                                                     ~ Micah 7:7

End of 2013 - Coming to terms with RESTing

Well, my word for 2013 has been REST. It has certainly been an interesting year for that word. It actually feels as though my world has involved everything except resting. At the beginning of the year, I believed that I was going to learn how to rest and find something resembling relaxation and physical rest in my life. As the year progressed, however, I discovered that the word REST for me this year had little to do with relaxing. Let me explain.

Throughout the year, I became increasingly involved in the Creative Arts Ministry at my church. I was singing in the choir and was a substitute worship team member. My church reinstated the Deaf Ministry and I committed to interpreting the praise and worship portion of the services as well as interpreting a few other times as requested. Watching this ministry become active again has been an amazing joy. I spent numerous days completing my continuing education credit units to maintain my clinical social work license.  My family took a couple of day trips to the mountains. We enjoyed hiking and taking numerous photos of God’s handiwork that is like no other. I have lived near both Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier for over 20 years and had only spent limited time on Mt. Rainier and, until now, had never gone to Mt. St. Helens.

Last but not least, I felt that God was calling me to begin a private practice, providing talk therapy and mental health evaluations in a part of the area that has limited counseling services. Part of the plan has been to coordinate with local churches to offer this ministry to people who come into the churches in crisis. Another group I am focusing on is the Deaf community. I have always heard that there is an amazing need for them to have a therapist who can provide therapy in sign language. I have spent the past few months setting up this practice  with the anticipation of building it until I am able to leave my current position and turn this into my full time job. It has taken a great deal of work and I am incredibly excited about this opportunity.

As I write this blog and think about how it sounds, I realize that it sounds quite exciting, however let me explain where the word REST has come into play. As this busy year carried forth, I began to realize that a definition for rest is also leaning on someone or something, trusting that you will be held. I have learned how difficult it is for me to depend on others, including my God. Yes, I believe He is my Father and I believe I tend to do relatively well on the idea of being obedient to His call, however I realize that I tend to try to do it all on my own and lean on myself to take care of things.

As the year has moved forward, I discovered that I have been taken off of the worship team list with no warning or explanation. I can’t possibly explain how much this pained my heart and has caused me to re-consider the role music has in my life. While I think I know why it is that I began singing again, how did I allow myself to be put in the place where I can be so hurt once more? I recently resigned from choir until I figure out once and for all what the role is, if any, that music plays in my life. Maybe it was a temporary resurgence to get me from point A to point B in the recent years. I have no idea.  By the Fall of this year, I stepped out of an active role in Deaf Ministry due to such a busy schedule as I planned to move forward with my private practice. Oh, and the private practice? I signed a one year lease approximately two months ago, purchased furniture, have a website, and business cards. I have spent the past two months attempting to network, passing out letters announcing my practice and specialties, and passing out my cards. The end result? Crickets. I have had two referrals that I am aware of and neither have resulted in appointments or services for clients.

My first annual cancer check-up in April this year showed my CT scan to be “pristine.” Am I still cancer free? All I can go on is that last appointment and wait until April 2014 for my second annual appointment. I have no control if this appendix cancer shows itself again. I am heartbroken at this moment that someone I met online in my cancer journey (a 27 year old father of a 9 month old daughter and husband to a beautiful young woman), after we were both diagnosed about the same time, is currently on hospice care losing his fight with this disease.

Nothing in my private practice is in my control. I am unable to control how people hear my singing or any desire they have or don’t have in wanting me to be involved with the choir or worship teams. I have no control how my body chooses to keep a recurrence of the cancer at bay or be overcome with the mucin again. REST? Lean on others? I do trust that God has it all under control. What have I learned this year? More than anything, I believe I have learned how difficult it is for me to rest IN God and stop fighting. I need to learn how to allow God to give me that peace that passes all understanding. I need to learn how to not take everything on my own. Perhaps stop being like Peter as he looked around and realized how impossible it was that he was walking on the water.

This is my second year participating in “One Word 365,” with my first word being ACCEPT and this year being REST. This evening at church, I believe God gave me my word for next year. I am noticing a pattern, as it appears the next word is RETURN. Keep in touch for my introductory blog for 2014’s One Word 365. Accept, Rest, Return. Hmmm…..

Dear Lord, I ask that You be with me as You take me through these life journeys. I ask that You lead me as I learn how to be more like You and help me to follow Your guidance. Please give me wisdom and discernment to know what is from You and what is my own human nature. Thank You for the past two years as we have traveled this journey together.

Learning to rest in gratitude

A while back, I began hearing many reviews of and recommendations that we read the book One Thousand Gifts . It kind of stuck in my head until I bought it and recently began reading it. I haven't quite finished reading the book yet, however there are several areas that have struck a chord in me. I thought this particular topic was worthy of talking about here.

One of the ideas the author really focuses on is our inability to experience full joy if we do not show gratitude. I have been pondering that concept since I read it a few weeks ago and began observing my own attitude and mood in relationship to my feelings of gratitude or of ungratefulness. I also began considering the difference between real appreciation vs expressing gratefulness because that's what we're supposed to do. What I noticed is that when I focused on looking for things to be thankful for, I found myself seeking the good in many situations and my mood was improved. I am certain most of us have heard the phrase..."fake it til you feel it." While I believe that has its place, I wonder if it would be more helpful to focus our minds on things to be grateful for instead of attempting to force a "good mood."


Traffic is backed up or stopped, causing me to be late for my appointment, work, or wherever I am headed. 

I could become angry, frustrated, or anxious. My blood pressure could raise horribly. Road rage could be a possibility. OR could I find something to be grateful for while I am sitting there waiting to move the next 2 feet? Maybe I could actually listen to the words to the song on the radio. I may find myself drawn into worship. I could "car watch," checking out the different makes and colors of cars surrounding me. What about the color of the sky, the colors of the leaves, the mountains in the horizon? I could be grateful that I have a car with gas to get me where I need to go. If I am on a bus, I could people watch. I could be grateful that I am not the one driving in this traffic mess. There are so many things I could notice if I just shifted my attitude and looked.


The only phone calls I get from my children are when they need something.

That could certainly frustrate the strongest of parents. I could become bitter that I gave so much of my life raising these people and I find I have to keep giving and keep giving. Are they ever grateful? OR I could be grateful that my children know where they can turn when they need help. I could be touched that they see me as someone who they can depend on. That I have the children in the first place. That I have children who actually want to talk to me. (For the record, my children are amazing and I absolutely adore whatever time I get to have with them. I miss having them both together in my home. There is nothing better than snuggling with my kiddos, hearing the sibling banter, cooking for my family. sigh...)


Today has been incredibly stressful at work.


When we spend most of our awake time at work, hard days can definitely make keeping a positive attitude a challenge. Why does my boss just pick on me? Why are the clients so ungrateful? Why does this day seem to drag on? The computer system just crashed again. Now I can't get my work done. OR I can be grateful that I have a job. I can be grateful that I have a computer that usually works. I have a desk and a comfy chair. Since the computer is down, I have a chance to eat lunch away from my desk. I get to work with clients who are having a tough day and maybe help their day improve. I can maybe share my positive attitude with the others.




I discovered when I stay in the negative and hold onto the stressful feelings, I feel icky. I begin to feel down or grumpy. When I search for things to be grateful for, my insides feel lighter. I would even say that, by making gratitude a goal, I begin to feel joyful. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kids, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~ James 1:2-4

Is this maybe part of what James is talking about? If I keep the negative, grumpy attitude then it makes it difficult to persevere. When I show gratitude, my heart feels joyful and often peaceful. That sure helps the perseverance. Maybe I should try to be more grateful for the little things as well as the big things. Do you notice a difference when you focus on even the little things? For someone who has been called this year to learn how to rest, maybe this is one of the ways I can learn that. If being grateful produces joy and peace, the feeling of unrest dissipates, leaving a calm rest and a closeness to my Father. Wow. Such a big deal. Why have I not discovered this until now?

Thank you Lord for teaching me this lesson. Please help me focus more on how to seek gratitude. Please use that gratefulness to remove the negative and judgmental nature from my spirit. Please use this lesson to draw me closer to you. Amen.

Just over halfway through a year of REST?

I recently realized how long it has been since I have written on here, so I thought it was time to pop in and update on my goal of learning to acquaint myself with the word "Rest." It has been so long that I had to revisit recent posts to see where I last left you. 

Well, as for my health, my annual CT scan and appointment with my surgical oncologist went quite well. The word he used to describe the scan results was "pristine." A word that I never thought I would appreciate quite so much. Praise God!! So my focus has been less on cancer and more on other health issues, though God and I are working together to fight through these as well. I continue to pray that the physicians figure out a treatment that will help arthritis that has become quite painful. There is not much I can do with that one, so I reckon I will continue plugging through and see what happens.

As far as my career goes, God has begun to clarify His mission for this, resulting in a mix of anxiety and excitement. I am currently in the process of doing some research on a few things and waiting for the input from others who could be involved. The possibilities are incredible and I can not wait to see where God takes this idea.

So, if you are keeping score, you will notice that my word for the year is "REST" and I am dealing with chronic health issues, in the process of working full time and attempting to set up a private practice doing crisis services, raising my 17yr old daughter who is learning how to drive and taking college classes, and yes, I continue to be involved with my congregation. Craziness. I love each piece, yet it is all crazy just the same. How is rest involved here? What is God teaching me?

In the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the meaning of rest includes sleep, freedom from activity or labor, a period of inactivity, peace of mind or spirit, something used for support, and free of anxieties. I guess I have always thought of resting as the definitions involving inactivity, sleep, being still. Well, that has not transpired this year so I began wondering what I was missing. Oh...peace of mind or spirit. Free of anxieties. How would I find peace of mind and spirit? How am I able to be free of anxieties? 

Recently there have been a few songs that hit me squarely in the heart and reminded me of how I may be able to rest in the craziness of my life and upcoming changes. One song, I first heard during worship in church. This one hits me so hard that I am not always able to make it through the whole thing without breaking into a puddle of tears as I beg God to help me trust without borders. 

This next one hit home when the Sidewalk Prophets came to our church for a concert, then spent the weekend leading praise and worship. A really cool thing was that I had the honor of interpreting for them as I was on the schedule that weekend. Amazing experience. If you ever have a chance to go see them, I recommend it. Great group of guys!! Anyway, the song they ended the service with was one that I believe was specifically for me. I did not interpret this one as much as prayed it in ASL in front of the congregation. I have never had that happen before. Moist eyes and nearly forgetting there were people in front of me. And guess what? This song nearly plays non-stop on the radio and on the shuffle on my iPod. Do you think God is trying to tell me something?

So to answer my question about the word "Rest"? Well, another definition in the Merriam Webster is to remain confident; to trust. Oh. Trust. So we have relief from anxiety, peace, and.... trust. So I am to confidently rest in the fact that God is in control and I am to be obedient to His call. Not an easy task, I assure you. I thought I tended to trust Him, yet I wonder if, at times,it is more of an apathetic behavior than a heartfelt release of control to the One I know has my best in mind.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." ~ Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong

"If there's a road I should walk help me find it. If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment. Whatever your will, can you help me find it? I will trust in You. You've never failed before. I will trust in You." ~ Help Me Find It by Sidewalk Prophets

Well, it is surely a good thing that I still have most of the second half of 2013 to work more on "resting." Who knows? Maybe God will tell me that I need another few years on this one. He is certainly finally getting my attention. 

"We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You."  ~ Psalm 33:20-22

Lots of Pondering

It has been a while since my last post and I have to say that, for someone who's word for the year is "REST," my life has been what a friend has referred to as "crazy busy." Between being a mom to my teenage daughter, building my career, and church involvement, life has moved pretty well non-stop. While life has been so "crazy busy," I have to admit that I love that. As I noted in my most recent post, I am a full blown extravert and was raised to keep myself busy. In the past few years, I found myself being surrounded by so many introverts, that life became less involved and I began struggling in many ways. While I have been happy in general, deciphering areas in which God wanted me to focus on growth gradually became apparent. During the past few weeks, I started experiencing this inner peace with myself. I guess you could say there was some feeling of acceptance brewing deep inside.

For those of you who have read even a few of my blog posts, it likely did not take long to realize that this woman has some fairly deep seated struggles with self-acceptance. Between spending most of my life feeling that I was not good enough, being involved in numerous unhealthy relationships, and being a "divorcee," I have wondered how in the world God could not be disappointed with His creation. No wonder God has taken so long to gently take me by my heart and spend some serious time challenging these thoughts.

I have heard through the years that I have such a bright smile, a "healing smile" a dear friend recently informed me. I heard from others that it's a big smile, that I have big gums. For my high school senior photo, the photographer told me not to smile so big, then my dad expressed dislike for the picture because it didn't look like me. For someone who has a love language of words, these varying descriptions were quite confusing. Then there are people who feel the need to judge a person by their weight, the obsession our society has with the scale and our body mass index. I have a genetic predisposition to being overweight. I have a solid body structure, making me weigh more than I look, I am told. Fat people are not attractive. Doctors label us obese. One could go on and on. I am an extrovert, which makes me a blabber mouth. A person who talks all the time, right? I have psoriatic arthritis that makes itself known all over my body by disfiguring my swollen, painful joints and causing ugly, red patches on my skin. Appearance is everything, right? 

For many years, these are some of the words I have been holding onto. I have found it amazing ever since my family began attending our church nearly ten years ago that our pastor and I are regularly on the same path, only for varying reasons. Last weekend, he spoke about Paul's writing to the church in Philippi. How is it possible that Paul is able to speak so much about having joy in all things while he is chained to a guard 24/7? 

"The results of Paul's chains are that people are coming to know Christ and people are being encouraged....Paul's chains are evident. You can see the chains......We need to look beyond the circumstances to see what God wants to do through you and I. We need to look beyond personalities and see priorities. " ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong

My best friend used to always ask me why I place so much value on the negative words and so little value on the affirmations. I could never answer her question, yet I continued to sit with the negative self thoughts, being afraid of holding the positive words. Last year, my word of the year was accept. God spent the year teaching me to accept so many things about my life and my circumstances. This year, my word is rest, yet I have been busier than I have in a long time. I wondered how these lessons would show themselves to be related and I believe I am beginning to understand. The craziness that my life has become is actually providing some fairly significant sanity, more acceptance, and energizing restfulness.

God has returned music into my life in the form of the choir, the worship team, and interpreting for our Deaf ministry. My career is making some intensive changes, moving forward in ways that I would have never foreseen a year ago. As I sat in church last weekend, a wave of peace and acceptance came over me, nearly drawing me to tears. I am learning to realize that, though I am overweight, have dysfunctional joints and skin, have significant scars from various surgeries, and am not talented enough to be a professional performer, God can and does use me to achieve His purposes for my life. Family members or friends may not feel time with me is worthwhile. They may not see the need for positive affirmations, spewing apathy or negative words instead. That is okay. These people did not create me and should not take up space in my head, though they are deep in my heart.

"Keep the important thing, the important thing. When people want to come in and tear down what you are doing, think on the important stuff. Think on the things that matter." ~ Pastor Ray Armstrong

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ......I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you." Philippians 1:27-28

As I said, the past few months have been busy, yet energizing in a way I have not experienced in such a long time. I am grateful that our Lord directed me to learn acceptance last year so this year I am able to rest in the knowledge that He does indeed have a plan and I am exactly where He wants me to be to accomplish His purpose. I don't want to spend my life carrying the anxiety and icky words. I would much prefer to touch the hearts and lives of those God places in front of me, resting in His plan and being obedient to His will without resistance. 

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God." ~ Philippians 1:9-11 

 

Introverts vs. Extroverts

I'm an extrovert who lives in a world of introverts. I suppose one could also say that I've been surrounded by introverts during much of my life. Both of my children are quite strong introverts; my best friend is an introvert; the majority of my friends are introverts. In my family of origin, my mom and two of my three brothers are introverts, while my dad and other brother tend to fluctuate between the two. I believe that's called being an "Ambivert." In all honesty, I think that's possibly the safest place to live as it seems they can adapt to either environment. Of course I've never spoken to either of them about it, so I may be completely off base. In this particular post, what I am more concerned with addressing is the perceived competition between introverts and extroverts. 

I have had to engage in a substantial amount of research to find valid, unbiased definitions about both personality types. In Psychology Today, I found an article by Dan Buettner that described both pretty well. 

"Two major personality types are extroverts and introverts. These types are known to have unique ways of feeling re-energized and motivated. They each have characteristic ways of interacting with the world and processing information."

In this article, Mr. Buettner describes extroverts as people who "learn by doing and enjoy talking through ideas and problems." "These 'social butterflies' thrive under social stimulation." He describes introverts as people who "get their energy from having alone time or in small groups of people, but may get overwhelmed in new situations or in large groups of people. They prefer to focus on one task at a time and observe a situation before jumping in." In another Psychology Today article, Irene S. Levine simplifies this a bit more, saying that "the bottom-line difference between introverts and extroverts is that social interactions are energizing to extroverts, but draining for introverts."

In the past couple of years, I have heard quite a lot about the differences between introverts and extroverts. Much of what I have heard has been complaints about extroverts being outspoken, pushy, overly talkative, and opinionated. Videos have been sent around that have accused extroverts of not being observant, jumping in without thinking of the consequences, shallow minded, etc. These same sources insist that introverts are more empathic, sensitive, more observant, and better listeners than extroverts. A video I watched recently was a TED talk on this very subject, in which Susan Cain stated:

"The vast majority of teachers reports believing that the ideal student is an extrovert as opposed to an introvert, even though introverts actually get better grades and are more knowledgeable, according to research."

She went on to say that introverts are better leaders because extroverts interfere with the creative process. She also said that when psychologists look at the lives of many creative people, they find that the most creative people are introverts because they create in solitude. 

SO, with all of that said, I have to admit that these cause me to feel pretty defensive. Why is it that, because I am energized by being around other people and my mood sinks when I am alone too long, I am a person who is "less-than"? Why do we feel the need to put people down who are different than us in order to lift ourselves up? Why does it have to be better to be one way or the other? I have a Master's degree and am a mental health professional, a therapist and crisis specialist. My hobbies include reading and I earned a 3.97 GPA in graduate school. I am frequently told that I score quite highly in the areas of empathy and ability to listen to others. I enjoy people watching. I am quite observant, often the first one to notice if someone is feeling troubled or is struggling. I will grant you the lack of creativity part, however I am unable to speak for the numerous other extroverts in the world. What I do know is that God created each of us, introverts and extroverts alike, in His image. 

"So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God he created them, male and female he created them." ~ Genesis 1:27

 "He created them male and female and blessed them. And he named them 'Mankind' when they were created." ~ Genesis 5:2

"For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb." ~ Psalm 139:13 

As we each seek explanations for how and why we behave, for why our personalities are formed the way they are, I caution that we should not use the personalities and characters of others as stepping stones. Owning our behaviors, our personalities, our character is admirable. Putting another person down for behaving differently and having alternate skills, talents, gifts only succeeds in creating a win/lose scenario.