Learning to ACCEPT who I am

When I entered into the field of social work, ultimately becoming a mental health professional and therapist, I was informed by many that this was a great fit for me. I have heard multiple times that "you're finally trained now to do something that you've always done. You've always been drawn to the people who are hurting. If there's someone in a room who is upset, you always seem to find yourself sitting with them as they pour their heart out." 


I guess I have to admit that these people are right. I have never been shy. During my entire life, I have heard my parents tell others that I have "never met a stranger." Put together my natural, outgoing nature with my heart for people who are hurting and....there you go. 


It seems I've been on a life-long mission to discover more about myself and how to better communicate with those in my life. I've studied the 5 Love Languages and learned that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation. I've studied various Learning Styles as taught by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias and discovered that I am Concrete Sequential. My friends and I recently began exploring personality tests. We found particular interest in the Myer's & Briggs Personality Types. I had taken this test during my senior year of my undergraduate program, then took it again with my friends. In college, I tested as an ESTJ. Recently, I tested as an ESFJ. The difference between the T (Thinking) and the F (Feeling) appears to be quite minimal, actually. I believe that I tested higher in the Thinking area while in school because I had been using more of the intellectual portion of myself. Regardless, I began researching the various personality types to see how accurate the results are.


According to the Myer's and Briggs Foundation, they describe the ESFJ (Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judging - Please follow the link to the website for descriptions of the various types.) as:  

"Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-by-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute."

Fascinated, I continued to search for more information and discovered the Keirsey Temperament Sorter. They further break down the various personality types of the Myer's & Briggs by grouping the types into 4 groups and breaking them down from there. Their description of the ESFJ is as a Guardian Provider. 

"Providers take it upon themselves to insure the health and welfare of those in their care, but they are also the most sociable of all the Guardians, and thus are the great nurturers of social institutions such as schools, churches, social clubs, and civic groups. Providers are very likely more than ten percent of the population, and this is fortunate for the rest of us, because friendly social service is a key to their nature. Wherever they go, Providers happily give their time and energy to make sure that the needs of others are met, and that social functions are a success.

Highly cooperative themselves, Providers are skilled in maintaining teamwork among their helpers, and are also tireless in their attention to the details of furnishing goods and services. They make excellent chairpersons in charge of dances, banquets, class reunions, charity fund-raisers, and the like. They are without peer as masters of ceremonies, able to speak publicly with ease and confidence. And they are outstanding hosts or hostesses, knowing everyone by name, and seemingly aware of what everyone's been doing. Providers love to entertain, and are always concerned about the needs of their guests, wanting to make sure that all are involved and provided for.

         Friendly, outgoing, neighborly - in a word, Providers are gregarious, so much so that 

         they can become restless when isolated from people. They love to talk with others, and 

         will often strike up a conversation with strangers and chat pleasantly about any topic 

         that comes to mind. Friendships matter a great deal to Providers, and their 

         conversations with friends often touch on good times from years past. Family traditions

         are also sacred to them, and they carefully observe birthdays and anniversaries. In 

         addition, Providers show a delightful fascination with news of their friends and 

         neighbors. If we wish to know what's been going on in the local community, school, or 

         church, they're happy to fill us in on all the details.

Providers are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the tireless service they give to others." 

Wow. That was pretty interesting. I researched this personality type on various other websites and increasingly discovered that this type describes me pretty well. To further confirm it, my friends and my daughter nodded each of their heads while listening to the descriptions. I have heard it said that I am quite verbal and outgoing, a team player, compassionate/empathetic, and overly sensitive to criticism. I have been called a busybody. "Why do you need to know everyone's business?" The ironic thing is that the same people who say this to me are the ones who look to me when they need to know what's going on around them. 


"Why do you care so much what they think?" "What that person says doesn't matter." Do I like being sensitive to the words of others? Do I wish that I didn't care so much? Of course I don't always like being "too sensitive." Who would like to have their heart hurt every time someone says something mean? Pondering these questions, I am reminded of what Scripture tells us about words. 

"The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit." ~ Proverbs 15:4

"The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." ~ Proverbs 12:18 

"For the ear test words as the tongue tastes food." ~ Job 34:3

"Before a word is on my tongue, you Lord, know it completely." ~ Psalm 139:4 

That means that God created me to be sensitive to the words of others. He created me with the ability to appreciate words of others. He created me to listen to the words of others. It's pretty easy to accept the "good" parts of our personalities. The parts that we like and that are liked by others, we deem as acceptable. The parts that are difficult, we feel are less acceptable. Being a team player, compassionate, empathetic, having a good memory for special occasions are all good things. Admirable qualities some may say. Being an extrovert in a world full of introverts is not easy. Using my five senses and being concrete in the way I take in information can make it difficult to relate to those who are more abstract and intuitive. 


During the past 8 weeks since my surgery, I've had a lot of time to heal and think. Probably too much time to think, but....it's what I do when I have so much free time on my own and away from other people for extended periods of time. My word for this year is ACCEPT. Well, one of the things I should probably learn to accept is myself and to accept myself, maybe learning who I am is a good place to start. Maybe then I'll be able to figure out what God is placing inside that hole that He is creating inside of me. Will I learn what talents I have buried inside? Will I be able to figure out talents that I don't realize are talents? Will I find an outlet that I had not grasped previously? What I do know right now is that God created me and has plans for me. I am grateful to have professionals that study personality traits, learning styles, love languages, and temperaments to help people like me learn about ourselves. Studying these has provided validation for me. I am who God created me to be. Next step? What do I do with that knowledge and validation? 

Moving Forward

I've been spending a great deal of time recently pondering my life. My surgeon said it best at my post-op appointment this week. "This thing has taken enough of your life. Start living life and moving on." I certainly couldn't agree with him more. Let me say that, he also does not feel he needs to see me again until next year. He said that a) he has no reason to believe that all of the cancer is not gone, however he can't guarantee it and b) IF it is not completely gone, it is slow growing and he would not do anything different prior to next April anyway, so there's no reason to allow this to take more of my life at this point. SO....now that my health is finally put on the back burner (unless something comes up that needs my attention), I can look forward to my future once again. 


I had one of those moments when one uses that 20/20 vision that is hindsight....some clarity over where God has taken me during the past 6 months to a year. I realized that God has spent a great deal of time building confidence in me. This is something that I'm really not used to. If you've read many of my other posts, you've read some of my struggles so I won't go over them again. I've come to realize that, while I love my job and love being a clinical social worker, I also feel like it is my "calling." I wish I could explain how well it seems to fit me. My personality. My heart. Doing crisis work and working with people who are struggling with various aspects of their lives, including mental illness brings fulfillment to me unlike anything else has ever done. I have no idea how or why this fits so well. It just does. I can confidently say that this is what I do for a living and not be as afraid of failure as I once was. When I consult with others about mental health issues, developmental issues, resources, etc, I have come to accept that I DO know how to respond. I DO know that I am able to speak with some degree of authority on the subject. Please don't confuse this with arrogance. This is much different. This is confidence. Again. Something I'm certainly not used to. It feels kind of weird, yet.....I don't know. I guess I'm still processing. I do know that I am much less afraid of failure as I once was. It is an interesting place to be. Hmmm....


I have also been considering some other things. Everyone needs an outlet.  When one works in an arena that can be quite intense, sometimes I feel an outlet is crucial. When someone like me receives such large amounts of fulfillment in their career, an outlet can be missed and it might be easy to immerse myself in my job, my faith, and "doing" life. Recently, I've felt an opening being created inside of me. I don't really know how to explain it other than to say that I feel like God is preparing me for things He is going to add. What this looks like, I don't know. I have a few ideas, but I'm just not sure. The confidence that God has built in me professionally, has not followed through to this other portion quite yet. What will go into this opening that He is creating? Will I accept it or will I do the same thing that I've done historically and fight it? While I am on medical leave, I am anticipating that some of this will be made clear. Maybe not all of it, but I already feel some sort of direction is beginning to occur.....and it's a little scary.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." ~ Isaiah 40:28-31

2 weeks (and 1 day) post surgery....

Alrighty.....Yesterday was 2 weeks since the big HIPEC surgery. The fact that I'm here to post should be one indication that the worst did not occur. Actually, to the contrary. Everything went much better than the surgeon expected and he was apparently rather pleased. Pleased that I had stood firm on wanting the surgery sooner rather than later and pleased that there were no major surprises. 


Let's go back to the days prior to the surgery. On the Monday just after Easter, I completed my final day of work before my medical leave began. Everything went well. I completed all of the necessary paperwork and consulted with my supervisor who would be taking over the crisis portion of my job while I'm out. During my meeting with him, co-workers and HR staff presented me with a couple of beautiful bouquets of flowers and the announcement that I was chosen to be April employee of the month. I continue to be amazed at how my fellow teammates show appreciation to me for doing my job. I am learning, as I get older, exactly how much of a team player I am. I'm really not one to put myself in a holier than thou place. We're all staff and there for the clients and each other. Let's show that. Anyway....that's another topic for another time, I'm sure. That day was full of a mix of emotions. I love my job. I love my co-workers who have become wonderful friends. I sure do miss being there on a daily basis, though the 2mos will go by quickly, so I should focus on healing, I'm certain. By the end of the day, good-byes were said, everything prepared, and I left at the end of the day knowing that I was going to be missed, prayers were being offered up, and I would be back as soon as possible. 


On Tuesday, I did the bowel clean out that had been prescribed. If you haven't had a MoviPrep, you might read Dave Barry's take on it and see what it's all about.   It wasn't quite as bad as Mr. Barry described, but....it sure wasn't a fun experience. I also had to spend the afternoon on heavy doses of antibiotics in preparation for the surgery. I was notified that I needed to be at the hospital at 7:15am the next morning. As far as my mental health, I wasn't sure what I was feeling. Just going on autopilot and putting everything in God's hands. God is the only One who knew how things were going to turn out. I just had to trust His timing and His plan and move forward as I was doing.


The hospital where the surgery was performed is north of Seattle and I live quite a bit south of there, with my church and support team living even further south. My support team converged at my home early the next morning to carpool to the hospital, where we met another friend and pastors from my church. 3 of our pastors came to pray and offer love and support. Unfortunately I wasn't able to pray with 2 of them as timing didn't play in our favor, however I hope they know how much I appreciate their love, support, and prayers. I was honored that they came such a long distance, so early in the morning to be with us. I was grateful we had a chance to visit before I was called back to prepare.


The rest of the day is pretty blurry for me, due to lots of medication and the surgery. They put in IVs and an epidural. I hear that the 6-8hr long surgery actually only lasted less than 6hrs. When I awoke in recovery, I was having some trouble breathing so they gave me a breathing treatment. I did realize immediately that I had no NG tube in my nose or colostomy bag attached to me. This was WONDERFUL news for me. They allowed my best friend and my sister to come in to visit one at a time so they could see me for myself and know that I was okay. I had a nurse that was dedicated to just me and my care. I felt pretty fortunate. 


I was told that the surgeon was surprised at how the cancer had advanced since my previous abdominal surgery in October, though the pathology reports continued to say that it was the low grade, slow growing neoplasm that they had initially diagnosed. Just prior to the surgery, I had informed him that I believed the mucinous material had increased. He stated that he would be quite surprised if it had. Then, he discovered "a substantial amount of mucin" upon opening me up. He did a colon resection (removing the part of the colon that was attached to the appendix), scraped the cancer off of the liver and diaphragm, and removed the remaining portion of my omentum. They then did the heated chemo bath portion of the surgery. I haven't seen my surgical report yet, but this is what I know so far.


I was in the hospital for a full week. It was interesting being in a teaching hospital and having teams for my care. Dealing with numerous IV sites, lots of tubes, the epidural, pain medication, etc is likely more information than any of you want to read in a blog post. Suffice it to say that it was a week of medical care, a week of listening to my bowels to assure they started moving again after the surgery, and lots of lost time due to sleep and pain medication. Good thing my support team was always there for one another so no one became supremely bored. 


Since my discharge last week, I've been spending a great deal of time becoming accustomed to my post-surgery bowel struggles, lack of appetite, loss of energy, and difficulty sleeping. All of this is normal for the procedure that I had done. As friends of mine who are in the medical field have repeatedly informed me....this is my 2nd significant abdominal surgery in 6 months. That I should give my body a break from expectations. Okay. So I spend the next bit of time gradually increasing and moving forward. The 27 staples were removed 2 days ago and I have a post-op appointment with the surgeon next week. 


So, that's what's been going on with me health-wise. Lest I lose sight of the rest of the story, we attended church Saturday night. Unbeknownst to me, a wonderful deaf man was speaking last weekend. Luke Everett is the son of the founder of Rancho Sordo Mudo. He said some things that really touched my heart. Reminders that God has granted my request to continue living and working for Him here on Earth, as much as I would like to be in His presence in heaven. 


"Vision is a reflection of what God wants to do through us to impact the world.... Living and doing what we do, we can become very comfortable and just plug on until Christ comes back..... You can lose sight of the needs that are around you..... You can see the brokenness in humanity......Every life has meaning. Jesus died for every life. If you change one family, one life, then you've made a difference because every life has meaning. Jesus loves every life. We always think of God has a group hug kind of God, but He loves each of us individually. " ~ Luke Everett


I'm not sure what the future holds. God does. I don't know yet what the vision is, but it's becoming increasingly clear as time marches on. 


"Don't give up on yourself because God hasn't given up on you.... God has a plan. God has a vision for you guys." ~ Luke Everett 

Easter Weekend

Well, it is now Easter evening. For me, the celebration of Christ's resurrection this year was spent singing in the choir at my church for 5 services over the past two days. I am a member of a rather large congregation that I have grown to love. Having been raised in small Southern churches, I never believed I'd be able to become intimately involved in a large church. Always one to be proven wrong, God has done just that. 

After spending the previous 10-12yrs attempting to walk away from the music that has always been a significant part of my life, God has gradually pulled me back into the music world. 9yrs ago, within the first year of beginning to attend my congregation, after having left a pretty dysfunctional small church and pretty hurtful personal experiences, I was asked to begin interpreting the music during services. That led to becoming quite involved in the Deaf Ministry and developing relationships with both deaf and hearing church family. It also reminded me of how much music is an outlet for me. One that I had missed, whether I wanted to admit to it or not. Several years later, the Deaf Ministry came to a close and music was once again set aside. A year ago, God managed to convince me to join the church choir. I began to develop closer relationships w/ those whom I had come to know through the years at my church and make new friends with others. They have spent the last year loving me, encouraging me, and offering tons of support.

Last October, when I had the surgery that resulted in my cancer diagnosis, I was provided with indescribable amounts of love from various groups of people in my life including this church family, my work family, and other folks in my daily life. Prayers were offered up all over the US and other countries, I'm told. That was pretty overwhelming. In a wonderful way.

As the time as drawn closer for my upcoming surgery, I have become quite focused on preparation. Preparing for taking time off from work. Preparing with my insurance for the surgery to be paid for. Preparing my family and friends who are so incredibly concerned and worried. Preparing for my children and my roommate financially and for decisions that may need to be made. And preparing myself for the possibilities that this may not go well. You've heard the term, "plan for the worst and hope for the best." I would hate to have had this amount of time to prepare and fritter it away. During this time of preparation, it has become easier and easier to plan FOR the inevitable. Not having control, options, or choices in a situation can do that to a person. I completely trust that God is in control. I accept that His will is the best plan. To me, that has meant accepting whatever His plan is.

This weekend, being Easter weekend and having spent a good portion of it with my church family, God was able to adjust my focus a bit. I was able to spend SO much time in full worship, even though I was with my choir friends and on stage. God used my outlet to regain my attention. After one of the services, the choir members pulled me aside and prayed over me. Understand that our choir is approximately 40 or so members and many of them were in the room. My sister and her best friend were both there, as well as my best friend/roommate who is also in the choir. The words spoken were amazingly touching to me, tears fell from many. More than one member of the pastoral staff said that they are coming to the hospital the day of the surgery to pray with and over me. Another choir member requested that I ask God if he would be allowed to pray healing prayers over me as he has felt called into a healing ministry. During our performances, various choir members would lay their hands on me, subtly, in a silent prayer.  Another member held my hand during an entire portion of the performance. And the one who asked if he could pray healing prayers? The very last performance, the standing order miraculously became changed and I found myself standing in front of him. He spent the majority of an entire song laying hands on me.

During a large amount of the weekend, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit again and again. I was told more than once that I was inspiring in my ability to rejoice and worship our Father in light of my health and fear of the upcoming surgery. I had no idea how to respond to that. I'd like to now, if you'll bear with me. You see, the weekend began with a great deal of thought that this may be my last weekend able to worship with this group of people. That I needed to write some messages to those I love to assure that they know how much I love and care for them. I wanted to be able to spend the last of my time here, showing others how much I love my Lord and for Him to know my heart (like He doesn't already). Unbeknownst to me, I had begun to embrace the fear and worry of others by believing their fears were indication of the future. By the end of the weekend with my church family and in the presence of the Holy Spirit, God had gradually adjusted my thoughts. There's no need for any more preparation. I've done what I need to do. The recovery from this surgery may be difficult, however I'm not done here. I still have a lot of work to do. I don't know how long I'm to live on this world, but I do know that God continues to have a plan for me. My days continue to be numbered and I don't know how many numbers there are. God does. That's His job. My job is to continue worshiping Him and living my life as a witness to His love, faithfulness, grace, and mercy.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts while on this journey. I don't know where it will lead, but I'm grateful that you're willing to travel with me. Don't ever forget that God loves you. As our pastor said this morning, "He delights in you." Quite a thought to ponder. I know He has certainly shown me a lot this weekend. What is He trying to tell you? For those of you who have been praying for my healing and my recovery.....Thank you. God is hearing you and He is answering.

The Ultimate Gift

SO…….today is Good Friday….also the first evening of Passover. ….For Christians, Good Friday represents the day that our Savior was crucified on the cross. God sent His willing Son to our world to become the only sacrifice able to pay for all of our sins. No other sacrifice could pay for our sins and make us worthy to be in God's presence….God wants His children to be in relationship with Him so Christ gave His life to pay that debt and allow us direct access to our Father. This Ultimate Sacrifice occurred during Passover. Christ died on Friday, then was resurrected on Sunday. He did what NO ONE would ever be able to do. We celebrate Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection each year on Easter.




"As you know, the Passover is two days away—and the Son of Man will be handed over to be crucified."    ~ Matthew 26:2 


"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again." "Then they remembered his words."    ~ Luke 24:5b-8 


Passover is a celebration of God rescuing the Israelites from their captivity in Egypt. This year, it is celebrated today, April 6th until next Saturday, April 14th. Passover is a reminder that God will save us if only we do as He asks and accept His gift of freedom. 

“Take a bunch of hyssop, dip it into the blood in the basin and put some of the blood on the top and on both sides of the doorframe. None of you shall go out of the door of your house until morning. When the Lord goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, he will see the blood on the top and sides of the doorframe and will pass over that doorway, and he will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down….. And when your children ask you, 'What does this ceremony mean to you?' then tell them, 'It is the Passover sacrifice to the Lord, who passed over the houses of the Israelites in Egypt and spared our homes when he struck down the Egyptians.”      ~ Exodus 12:22-23, 26-27 

Though one would think that, since Passover and Easter are so connected, that they would be celebrated together. However, due to whatever reason, they are not celebrated during the same time period every year. The timing only comes together periodically. This year, Passover begins on Good Friday. 


Today was also my last Friday of work before my surgery. I have one more day to work and then will be fully preparing my body and mind. Interestingly enough, a job that has been maddenly busy for the past few weeks, has all of a sudden slowed down to a crawl for the past 2 days. I spent yesterday preparing my office and work load for the fact that I’ll be out for at least 2mos. Today I was able to complete an Advanced Directive and my Will. It was very odd to see a document stating that it is my Last Will and Testament. Lest you believe I’m becoming negative and morbid, I’m not at all. I’m a single mother of a 16yr old daughter and 21yr old son. My legal next of kin would be considered my 21yr old son. I feel that I would be doing my children a grave dis-service if I did not prepare for difficult medical decisions in advance. Do I think that something is going to go wrong? No. I feel that preparation is the best way to protect my loved ones from being stuck in a position of having to make decisions in regards to my life. 


What does all of this have to do with Good Friday and Passover? I simply find the timing interesting. In Egypt, God told the Israelites to place the blood of a sacrificial lamb on their door frames. Those who did not do so lost their first born when the Angel of Death passed through. The homes of those who had been obedient were passed over. 


When Christ was willing to do what His Father asked of Him, He became the sacrifice for all of God’s children who are willing to do accept the gift. My life is currently at a place where things like God’s grace, gift of salvation, and acceptance of God’s will tend to be more highlighted than at other times in my life. I really have no idea what my future holds. I know what plans I had for my life. I know that I have always planned to live until I’m in my 90s as the majority of the women in my family have done. I know that I love being a mother to my children and would love to be with them through their adult lives. I know that I love being a social worker. It’s not just what I do. It often defines a lot about who I am. What I don’t know is what the doctor will find during this surgery to kill the cancer that has decided to live in my abdominal cavity. I don’t know how my body will respond to the day-long surgery that will occur in just a few days. I don’t know what this future will look like at the end of Passover. Will the Angel of Death pass-over because God has decided to leave me here to live a while longer? 

"A person's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." ~ Job 14:5


"Show me, Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life is. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Everyone is but a breath, even those who seem secure. "Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom; in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth without knowing whose it will finally be. "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” ~ Psalm 39: 4-7 


Just on a side note, my daughter was born on Good Friday. This year, her birthday fell on the Thursday before Good Friday and Passover. She turned 16yrs old yesterday.

What does the future hold?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

About 11 or 12 yrs ago, during a time when I was dealing with lots of emotional stuff, God gave me this verse. It was a reminder that, no matter what happens in my life, whether the decisions I make are right or wrong, I have a future and God Himself ordains that future. Periodically, since that time, I will happen upon this verse in the oddest of places. It's shown up on network television, in movies, on cards, and in sermons. It might be during a time that I'm feeling challenged, questioning my future, or possibly feeling a little down. 

"Fix these words in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." ~ Deuteronomy 11:18-19


When each of my children were born, I dedicated them back to God. I wanted them to know that they were here for God's purpose. I wanted to continually remind myself that these beautiful children were not mine. They belonged to God and I was the privileged woman that  was given the honor and responsibility to raise them the way God wanted them raised. I wanted to be the mom that these children needed me to be. I felt God tell me very clearly that my son had a big job in store for him and I had to fight for him. I have no idea what kind of job this is. I know I've spent a great deal of time fighting for him, but I continue to wonder what this big job is. What I do know is that I adore my 21yr old son. I hurt with him as he struggles to figure out what his life holds. I've watched him walk away from God and journey down his path. At the same time, I know that all of his experiences on this journey will play a role in the job God has planned for him to accomplish. 

My daughter is at the age where she is attempting to figure herself out as well. She'll be 16yrs old next week and is realizing that she has to make more and more adult decisions. She still loves God and is trying to balance her gift of mercy and HUGE heart while trying to read her life road map. She is the most nonjudgmental person I've ever seen. She is drawn to people with special needs like a moth to a flame. Both of my children hold my heart in their hands. Any emotion is that much more intensified if it involves my children. I can laugh until there are tears streaming down my face at a simple comment made by one of them. I can get super frustrated when they do things I know can hurt them. I feel a warmth in my heart unlike any other when my children are happy. Hearing them say "I love you" or give me kisses or hugs is indescribable. Watching my daughter in worship to our God and remembering times when my son would worship Him as well hits me in my very core.




"Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord." ~ Psalm 102:18 

As I watch these two people become young adults and develop their personalities, I become more and more excited to see what God's plan is for THEIR lives. I wonder how their gifts and talents will be used to show others the love of God. How will they be a witness to others of God's love? How long will my son wander before God gets his attention? Will my daughter continue in relationship with God? Will I be alive to witness them on their journey? Oh. Right. Cancer. Risky surgery. God has a plan for me. A plan for hope and a future. For hope OF a future? Hope FOR a future? How long of a future do I have? If my future on earth is short, does that mean that my job here is done? Did I do it right? Did I raise my children to do their jobs effectively? I'd really like to be here as a witness, to be here for them, to encourage them, to love them, to pray for them.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." ~ Proverbs 16:9

Am I being morbid? Am I thinking that this cancer or this surgery is going to kill me? Not at all. I'm just facing reality. The reality that people die of cancer everyday, that this surgery has risks, and the reality that people die from all sorts of things everyday. I will say that having Stage 3C Appendix Cancer and knowing that this surgery is not definitively going to cure it makes one think a bit more about my future and sense of longevity. However long or short my future may be, I haven't lost my hope. 

"There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off...." Proverbs 23:16

"God has a plan. It's a good plan. We like the plan. We just don't know what it is." I know that whatever plan God has is good and right and just. IF my future is going to be long or short.....only God knows. Only HE decides the number of days we have on this earth. AND only God knows how the future looks for my children. He knew before I was born or my children were born what our futures were going to be. The big job my son has? God knows what it is and the path he is going to take to get there. Whether or not my daughter stays the course? Yep. God knows and I trust that all will go according to His plan.

Thank you Lord for the privilege and honor to witness the lives of these gifts you've blessed me with. Thank You for allowing me to travel this journey with them. If I'm allowed to remain here on this journey, thank You. If you're going to take me home soon? Thank You. Thank You for your love. Thank You for being Sovereign. Thank You for being You.

What's the big deal about friendship?

You know how you hear that there are extroverts and then there are introverts? Well, 90% of the time, I'm pretty well on the far end of the spectrum....on the side of the extroverts. Don't get me wrong. As I get older, I tend to appreciate alone time periodically more than I ever did when I was younger. As recent as 5-10yrs ago, I was an extrovert 100% of the time. I think I've learned to appreciate alone time because of the numerous experiences when I've had to walk on eggshells and be so extremely careful of what I say. I'm the type of person that says what I mean and mean what I say. While I never intend to hurt someone's feelings, it can happen. What I have noticed is that this can happen when someone tries to "read between the lines" of something I've said. The problem with reading between the lines is that....honestly? I really meant exactly what I said. There was no hidden agenda. I've often said if I want you to know you've been offensive, or I feel I have a point that needs to be made....you'll know it. I have no fear of confrontation. I don't like it, but I'm certainly not afraid of it. It's just difficult when folks try to read too much into something I've said. I guess maybe it's our society. There's too much underlying...stuff...and not enough straight forward honesty.


The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. 
~ Proverbs 12:26  

How does that impact friendships? I've experienced and heard the stories of entirely too many people who have been harmed by the loss of friendships due to misunderstandings in communication. As a clinical social worker, I am frequently called upon to mediate conflict with my clients and their family/friends. So often it has been caused by assumptions (we KNOW what they say about that) or trying too hard to figure out what the other person REALLY meant. The end result? Explosions. Grudges.  Lost relationships. Physical harm. Depression. Isolation.  


Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  ~ Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 

Have I recently lost a friendship due to mis-communication? Is that what this is about? No. Actually this is about the journey I've been on in the past 6 months as compared to my pre-cancer life. There has been a distinct shift in my friendships since my marriage ended nearly 10yrs ago. We had friends together. There were people who made rather large assumptions about our decision. Rumors were spread. Ugliness happened. Black. Horrible. Hurtful. Depression. Suicidal thoughts. Loss of friendships I believed were close. Really hard time. The most interesting part to me was that my ex-husband and I have a healthier relationship now than we did when we were married. Others just could not, or would not understand that. For some reason, these folks decided that there was a need to judge and condemn something that they did not know the full story about. Out of those who were active in my life, only a very small intricate smattering of people remained steadfast. I'm extremely grateful that God placed them there to pull me through and keep me moving.


One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.  ~ Proverbs 18:24  

Now fast forward to this past year. My life has changed dramatically. I have a career that I absolutely love. I work with a team that I'm proud to say that are my friends as well as colleagues. My church family is absolutely amazing. Enter my nearly adult children who are my pride and joy and life is pretty well better than I could have ever expected. When it was discovered that I was to have surgery to remove a large mass, I began to have many friends offer support, love, and prayers. I was grateful and quite moved. I'd had surgeries before and never had this type of response. I thought that was pretty amazing.  

As always, my best friend/roommate and my friend who's more like a sister than friend were at the hospital, along with new additions to our support team who so wonderfully were willing to be there for each other and me. By the time I awoke, more people had heard about my diagnosis than I could have imagined. The word was out. Tears were shed. Shock and frustration by those who had heard. Prayers were being offered by the bucket loads. The next day, I can't even tell you how many people came to the hospital. I could not believe what was happening. Remember I said I'm an extrovert? That's a good thing because I was definitely receiving so much energy from those folks. I'm sure that's why I was able to bounce back so quickly.


He ordered the centurion to keep Paul under guard but to give him some freedom and permit his friends to take care of his needs. ~ Acts 24:23 


During my recovery, meals were brought to our home, Hallmark stock must have risen dramatically considering all the cards delivered, gift cards for groceries. You name it, my friends provided it. Now, with the upcoming surgery, I continue to be amazed at the love, care, and concern shown to me. God has blessed me more than I ever could have asked or imagined. Just as He promised He always would.


Back to my initial question. What's the big deal about friendships? 

Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as he loved himself. 
~ 1 Samuel 18:1

I have my best friend in the world. She has stood by me through thick and thin. She has lived with my family for the past 13yrs. She has helped raise my children. She tells me the hard things. She fights me FOR me when I can't. She supports and encourages always. When I hurt, she hurts. She has promised to never leave me....and she hasn't. She's my soulmate. I never thought I could have someone who knows me so well still want to be there. She prays for me non-stop. (I'm sure I need it more times than not.) Her family has become my family and my kids adore her like crazy.


When I first moved to the Seattle area, I began working for a company and was warned not to be friends with the president's secretary. Well, I've never been sorry that I didn't heed that warning. She has stood by me and with me ever since. We've been close for nearly 23yrs. Actually, we've realized through the years that, though neither of us was raised with a sister, God provided us one in each other. We've had conflicts, sure. Just like sisters do. We share the blood of Christ instead of the blood of our parents. She was there as my coach and support when both of my children were born. She has cried with me, celebrated with me, defended me, cared for me. We frequently don't share the same interests, but that's okay. We love one another unconditionally. No strings. Her friends have become my friends and my friends, hers. We love them because they love our sister. We embrace them because they are our sister's friends. Ever since God gifted me with my sister, I can't imagine life without her. Other friends have come and gone through the years, yet my sister remains.


My church family will call me, Facebook message me. They will consult with professionals to make sure I'm being cared for appropriately. They pray for me. They encourage me as I travel this journey. They keep me focused on using the gifts that God has given me. They seek me out at church. They listen to me. They cry with me. They pray with me. They love me.


My work family has shown me what support and acceptance in a workplace is all about. They are with me everyday making sure that I'm taking care of myself. Acknowledging if I look tired or reminding me to eat if I get too busy. They make sure that my insurance coverage isn't going to change and mess up my healthcare during this time. They encourage me to keep doing what I'm doing in my job. They provide for my needs in ways that they probably don't even realize. 


My previous classmates in colleges and in high school continue to rally around even from across the country. People who had lost touch with me have found me after so many years. They pray for me and offer encouragement from locally and so far away. Other people have come into my life. Friends of friends. Friends of family. They all encourage and pray and support and show love.

This is what friendship is all about. God has gifted me the past year with the gift of learning what it means to stand with someone. What it feels like to be on the receiving end of that support. I've said it before and I'm sure it won't be the last. I've been so amazingly overwhelmed by those God has placed in my life. I want to thank each of my friends for the role you've had in my life. Thank you Father God for these people. They are amazing and I can never express my gratitude enough.

Sometimes there are no words...

Have you ever had an experience that, despite your best efforts, you're unable to find the right words to explain where you are? You can try and try and still not be able to figure out how to explain how you feel? Times when you are experiencing emotions that don't seem to coincide with the experience at hand? 

A year ago, I was at a Christian Women's Retreat. The speaker last year was a wonderful woman named, Leeanna Tankersley. She touched my heart in such a way that I continue to process the lessons she taught us. Her lessons were on a well known passage. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 ¹ There is a time for everything, 
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 ² a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 ³ a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 ⁴ a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 ⁵ a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from  

   embracing,
 ⁶ a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 ⁷ a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 ⁸ a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.

Leeanna challenged us to examine where we were at that moment. What season did God have us in? During that time period, I felt that God had asked me to be silent. Just sit and listen. To be still and know that God is there whether I could feel Him there or not, even if I felt alone. Sometimes it's tough to know why God will go for a season without talking to us. Is He not talking or are we too busy talking TO Him and not being still and feel Him, trusting that He will always be there? During the past few years I've been struggling with my relationship with God. Trying to figure out  they hows and whys of me and where I am in relationship with Him. The message I got very clearly last year is to just "be still." 

Recently I read Leeana's blog (www.gypsyink.com) about having just given birth to her third beautiful child. She said something, yet again, that really spoke to me. "I find myself silenced again. Like Someone has turned down my ability to explain it all and has turned up my ability to just experience it." ~ Leeanna Tankersley 

That rang so true to me, only in a completely different scenario. When the mass was discovered in my abdomen last fall, others around me were pretty concerned. They asked me if I was going to be okay. I'm typically a pretty happy person. I've always been an eternal optimist and as stubborn as the day is long. When people ask if I'm going to be okay, my normal response is always "Sure. I'll be fine." This time I couldn't say yes. My response was "I don't know." I have no real answer when others ask if I'm going to be okay. When they ask how I'm doing with the idea that I have cancer, all I can say is that I know that God is in charge and, since I'm His child, I have to go with His plan. His will is always best. Inside, I've asked myself why I have no words to explain how I feel. Perhaps God has taken this person who always has an answer for everything and is teaching me to just experience. Be still and KNOW that He is God and HIS plan is the right path. 

Where this will lead, I honestly don't know. What I do know, is that, by being still, I have learned to accept things that have always been tough for me. I'm learning to accept encouragement from others. I'm learning to accept that I can't do everything and being totally independent is not always the right thing. I'm learning to accept help from others. I'm learning that my opinions do matter to some people. As much as I don't understand it, I'm learning......well, let's just say that I'm learning things about myself that are still far from clear. I do know that if I was spending this time believing that I had the words to explain where I am right now and what this experience is teaching me, then I'd miss the experience that God is giving to me. Me be quiet? Sit and just experience? Something ONLY God can accomplish. ;-)

What a week!!

Do you ever have weeks that are just a wild mix of emotions and experiences? That has been my experience for the past week....or maybe two. It's been interesting to say the least. 

Last week began with a colleague expressing some dissatisfaction with our work relationship and expressed his opinion in a less than professional matter, resulting in a great deal of tension in our workplace and meeting/consultations with our supervisor. Not a lot of fun. I'm a pretty die hard team player. I will do whatever I can to make our work flow, pull together, and help wherever I can. Let's just say that others....well....aren't the same. Hearing that this colleague has been saying ugly things to co-workers that are a) rude and b) not true about me is pretty gut wrenching, for sure. However, by early this week, a meeting had taken place and some things were clarified and apologies made and ACCEPTed. Let's move on with life, I say.

Speaking of work, life in community mental health has been pretty stressful as of late. We've been going through some significant changes and my team has been making plans about how to cope with work and divide my responsibilities while I'm on medical leave. I know that the surgery is necessary for my health, but it's pretty anxiety provoking to know how tough it's going to be on my team for those 2 months. Sometimes I have to ask if I should postpone the surgery until a more opportune time. Of course the questions that are raised then are 1) when would there be a more opportune time, as I'm the ONLY crisis worker in my agency so they will always have to fill my spot and 2) is work more important than my health? Hmmm....Apparently the answers are quite clear. Just take care of the surgery and move on with the healing and kicking cancer's butt. I guess I must just ACCEPT that the team will work things out and I have to focus on my health. That's tough for a team player, for sure.

If you've read some of my other posts, you might have noticed my struggle with music. Well, last year I bit the bullet and joined our church choir. Of course it was partially due to an ulterior motive. My best friend in the world is a wonderful singer and musician, but hadn't been using her gift of music. 

SO, in effort to get her back into music, I joined the choir with her. I was completely prepared to have them ask me to quiet my voice, stand in the back, or whatever form it took for them to let me know I didn't have the skill to sing in the choir. That's been my previous experience, right? Okay....evidently my preconceived idea has not come to pass. We sang in the Easter performance last year and began the 2011/2012 season last fall. Of course my best buddy had to continue on her own after my surgery and cancer diagnosis, but the choir members and leader made me promise I'd return after the first of the year when I'd healed enough. "Really? Are you sure? You still want me there? I don't get it." Last weekend we performed in several services (we belong to a rather large church that has services Saturday night and throughout Sunday morning). After a sound check, one of the women who happens to be a music teacher and has the misfortune (in my view anyway - I'm singing right in her ear) of standing next to me had a little chat with me that really humbled me and took me aback. I'm still processing her words. Mind blowing? Not really. Deep and life changing. I don't know about that....so much. But more meaningful than she could have imagined. She informed me that I have a beautiful voice and that I should never stop singing. She loved that I was standing next to her and loved hearing me sing. Then another person who stands with me commented on how touched she was when she saw me sing last year. You see....I'm pretty animated when I sing. I really enjoy worshiping my God and love the idea of leading others in worship. I just love singing praises to God and sending out His messages of love, grace, and mercy. These sweet women spoke what has been so foreign to me. But I've been so convinced that music is not my gift. How can they be right? I don't understand. How can I ACCEPT what I had totally believed was untrue and a pipe dream? Evidently I'm still processing and struggling with ACCEPTing where God has me right now with this issue.

Then tonight.....tonight. My week was able to end in such a way that fills my heart. My son has fallen for a young lady from another state through primarily online communication. He let me know recently that they are becoming quite serious and she had decided to come here to visit to see how they interact face to face. They have spent the week together and she is leaving on Sunday evening. I requested that I be able to meet this young lady that my son has become so serious about and he was more than willing to oblige. Mom had to do what only Mom's get to do, though. A home-cooked meal it is. So he requested that Mom make her famous meatloaf, macaroni and cheese, and corn for the big dinner, with chocolate cupcakes for dessert. It was such a wonderful evening. My son's new girlfriend is such a sweet girl. We all had an amazing time. My son was BEAMING in a way I have not seen in a very long time. There did not appear to be any facade or forced interaction anywhere. She engaged in conversations and joking around with everyone, including deep, personal history. She informed me that she adores my son and "you did a d*mn great job in raising him." She said that she loves how I can be a "Mama Grizzly Bear," as my kids have been known to call me. She informed me of how she can see how fiercely protective he is over his family, too. I have to say that this relationship doesn't appear to be one that I'll have trouble ACCEPTing. I still have prayers for my son's future and, if she is part of that future, for her as well. But I think it won't be hard to ACCEPT this young lady into our family.

Like I said....what a week. I guess ACCEPT continues to be the word....in a lot of situations.

I Will Not Be Moved

ONE MONTH

			March/April 2012
Sun	Mon	Tue		Wed	Thu		Fri	Sat
11	12	13		14	15		16	17
18	19	20		21	22		23	24
25	26	27		28	29		30	31
1	2	3		4	5		6	7
8	9	10		11

SO....today is March 11th. One month from today, I'll be in the hospital undergoing the BIG surgery. When I was diagnosed with appendix cancer in October, I was provided with two options. I could 1) do nothing and wait to see what the cancer does or 2) agree to do the HIPEC procedure. This type of surgery is an aggressive, risky, experimental surgery. It's the only treatment that has been shown to be effective with this type of cancer. Have you ever heard of this surgery? Very few people have. 

http://www.hipectreatment.com/documents/hipec.php


According to my surgeon, this surgery will likely always be experimental because appendix cancer is too rare for the HIPEC to be approved by the FDA as the standard of care. I've heard about people who have undergone this surgery, lasting anywhere from 6 hours up to 18 hours. The surgeon who will be performing mine says that he believes it will last from 6-8 hours based on what he has seen of my lab results and medical records. My last surgery lasted for 4-1/2 hours and I was in the hospital for 5 days. They are predicting that this time, my stay with be 7-10. From my understanding, most people are placed in ICU for a few days after the surgery, but my surgeon doesn't think I will need that level of treatment. I'm not sure how he can know that, but I'm more than happy to believe that I won't need it. 

During the past 5 months, since I was diagnosed with appendix cancer and informed that this was the only effective treatment, I knew that the date was coming. The closer the date comes, the more I find it on my mind. Friends ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling. I tell them that I'm fine. Physically I'm doing well. That's true. I think I'm pretty recovered from the last surgery. It's tough to rejoice though, about having recovered while at the same time, knowing that I'm getting ready to have another one in a month. It's interesting to me that I haven't been afraid of the cancer, but this surgery isn't producing as much calm. After my diagnosis, I began doing quite a bit of research and repeatedly happened upon this "day long," "intensive" surgery. I saw the various cancer treatments and I felt pretty strongly that this was the one procedure I didn't want to have. It was scary to me from the first time I saw it. When the oncologist said that this was the only treatment for this cancer, I saw no real option other than this. Now it's 1 month away and little by little becoming all too real.


At church this morning, I was speaking to one of our pastors. I found myself repeating what I've said several times and believe with all my heart. I know that God is in charge. I believe that I'm one of God's children and therefore I've given my life for God to use as He chooses. I don't know God's plan for this time of my life, but I do know that  His plan is always best.


"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 
1 Thessalonians 5:18  "


"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"
Matthew 6:27


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
Philippians 4:6


"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13


One month from today.....I'll be laying on a table with my surgeon performing an experimental procedure. Will I make it out of surgery? I honestly don't know. If I do make it out of surgery, will I be able to live a normal life, no tubes, no bags, the rest of my organs still in tact? I don't know. If I make it out of surgery, will the cancer be gone? No clue. What I DO know is that God knows. HE knows what HIS plan is for my life. "God has a plan. It's a good plan. We like the plan. We just don't know what it is." My job? ACCEPT God's plan and trust that His plan is what's best for me.